<p>My almost 16 y/o d’s neighborhood friend of 14 years is making some questionable choices.<br>
She has a boyfriend who at age 14 left the public middle school to attend military academy in SC. He’s back in town for the summer. Rumor has it, according to my d, that he has impregnated 3 girls. One day last week, when the friend was supposed to be attending a Global review, she chose to go home with the boyfriend. The parents found out, were upset, grounded her, but the next day allowed her to have her boyfriend visit her at home. </p>
<p>I also learned that there college age son, came home on a weekend when his parents were away and had a party involving alcohol and college age guys. The family’s exchange student, all of 100 lbs., drank 5 beers and got pretty tipsy. The friend thought it was cute and told my d she likes the taste of beer. I’m concerned that high school girls are drinking with college age boys. Although the brother is a pretty decent kid, I don’t know about his guests. He told his sister, he’d rather have her drinking with him than with someone else. </p>
<p>I’m pretty good friends with the mom and I don’t think she would be happy about the party. However, my daughter’s friend told her about the party in confidence. Fortunately my d is concerned and open with me. </p>
<p>I don’t want to betray my daughter’s confidence yet I love the friend who I’ve seen grow up and has spent hours at my house. She is failing two classes, (Global and English) yet her parents are twisted around her little finger. She’s always been spoiled and charms her parents into getting anything she wants. </p>
<p>I could just stay out of it and let this girl possibly mess up her life but on the other hand, it’s not my job to be her parent and don’t want to alienate my daughter or the friend’s mom.<br>
Anyone been in a similar situation?</p>
<p>If your daughter trusted you with that information I think you should not break her trust. The party couldn’t have been much of a party if the parents never found out. If it was really a party all the neighbors would know it and someone would have already told them.</p>
<p>It sounds like the parents are aware of the girl’s behavior, so I don’t see how it does you any good to bring it up.</p>
<p>I always find these situations to be very tough. I’m not sure there is a right answer – it so much depends on the situation and your relationship with her parents and with the friend.</p>
<p>If you thought the girl’s health or safety was at risk, then I think it would be worth breaking your daughter’s confidence. </p>
<p>In a somewhat similar situation, I agreed not to tell anyone but my daughter agreed to talk to a teacher at school about her concerns. This was a case where a friend’s health was at risk.</p>
<p>You can’t help the other kid if the parents aren’t willing to, but you can go to bed every night thanking whatever it is you’d like to thank that your daughter is the type that would tell you about this sort of thing instead of keeping it a secret so that she could get away with similar things.</p>
<p>Knowing your daughter’s friend as well as you do, you might be able to casually talk to her yourself. You don’t have to let her know that your D told you what’s going on; you might simply express concern about random people who do what she’s doing. She might confide in you, but even if she doesn’t, she will have heard your POV. You can be very influential in a way her parents could not be.</p>
<p>I agree with chuy you can’t help the child if the parents won’t acknowledge the issue, all you end up doing is hurting the relationship between the girls. I would try to have her open up, don’t address it blatantly, but like an off the wall comment, maybe she will respond, use some startlet like Paris Hilton (I am sure you can find a news story).</p>
<p>If your town is anything like mine, you can tell the parents about “rumors” that you’ve heard without linking it back to your d. The rumor mill in my town is probably more efficient than e-mail!</p>
<p>If the tables were turned, and it were your d getting messed up, and the other girl’s parents knew but didn’t tell you, how would you feel? Especially if something horrible happened to the girl?</p>
<p>There are some confidences that are too dangerous to keep. If it ends up ending your d’s friendship with this girl and/or her family, then so be it, but you’ll both know you tried to do the right thing. Would you rather save a friendship or potentially save a life?</p>
<p>Of course, I would also tell your d that you were going to do this. Obviously your d is upset enough about the situation to tell you; I doubt she’d be devastated if you decided to do something with this knowledge.</p>
<p>Recently(over recent spring week off) 8th graders in our neighborhood “found” alcohol. Some girls got VERY intoxicated. The kids went back to a home that parent was not home. Mom came home and found the kids. She phoned all the moms of those involved. I was quite surprised how some dealt with it , or rather how they did not.
When I was at a neighborhood event, I mentioned what I had “heard”(my daughter told me) to one of the boys parents. I “knew” by the look on her face, her son “probably” had been in attendance and she did not know what happened. I did not say I had any idea who was there, just the places it had occurred. Told her I just wanted to let her know it was beginning, as this was the same age it started with my older Ds age group 8th into 9th grade.<br>
What I find upsetting, is how many “do” know but think it is fine.</p>
<p>"What I find upsetting, is how many “do” know but think it is fine. "</p>
<p>Back when I was in high school, the “cool” kids had parents who got drunk with their children and friends. Some don’t do anything because they’re irresponsible and never really managed to leave high school themselves.</p>
<p>I would talk to your dd again and get her permission to talk to the mom, telling dd that I won’t reveal my source. I agree with whoever said that the rumor mill has probably picked up on it, and so it wouldn’t be traceable. I did this with my next-door neighbor, whose dd was having a boy over in the a.m. before school as soon as the parents left the house for work (he literally would wait at a corner and wait til the mom had turned the other corner). Truthfully, I have no idea what she said to the older dd though I was angry to learn that she did use my name as the source, which made the next dd sneakier. She had a party and made sure everyone parked and entered from the other side of the house from where I lived. LOL</p>
<p>Oh, and re post no 10: I always tell friends with younger kids that knowing parents will be at the party is not enough. You have to ask whether they will be serving alcohol. If parents want to serve alcohol to their kids that’s their business, but they don’t get to make that decision for my kids.</p>
<p>I think I could talk to the mom about the boyfriend’s reputation. Once again, the friend skipped the Global review today. She is seeing this boy everyday after school. He leaves in a month which will be right after finals week. Obviously, he is a big distraction to her studies. </p>
<p>Funny, the mom stopped working last summer in order to keep on eye on her daughter. The husband wanted mom to make sure the child was doing her homework.</p>
<p>I think as parents we have a certain moral obligation to be on the same team and help each other. I actually had a parent lie to me about her supervision to try to allow my DD to stay over at her home and what would have been a coed slumber party; luckily other parents had warned me about this person (we were new to the area)</p>
<p>I had a friend whose DD got caught drinking and asked me to let her know if it happened again, which I did, but after a few years they seemed to drop the issue, their DD was suspended for the last two weeks of her senior year I think she is fine now, but it was a rough time for them.</p>
<p>It would be nice if the parent were strong enough to use the info you provide as a catalyst for their own investigation, but often they yell at their kid and use your name which gets your kid in a bad spot at school. If you do not know the person well or suspect they will not be judicious in their discussion with their child, perhaps a more round about method of sharing is advisable.</p>
<p>I just want to point out that if the boyfriend really got three girls pregnant, he had three willing female partners who were not very smart. I think there are some issues here for sure, but I wouldn’t act on this type of rumor.</p>
<p>This boy just completed 10th grade. I think that’s quite a track record at that age. Even if it is a rumor, his reputation is not stellar - his parents had to send him to military school to shape him up. </p>
<p>Regardless, he may be s*xually active. To my knowledge, my d’s friend has not been. I think she would easily become active if given any encouragement. It would be hard for the boy to stop at first base if he’s hit a home run. Not only is there a risk of pregnancy but STD’s. My son witnessed a lot of physical contact at an after school event and the exchange student witnessed some heavy making out during lunch. </p>
<p>The team analogy works if all parents have the same goal. Not all do. Some take offense if they feel you’re insinuating they aren’t playing the game well.</p>
<p>I hope you are talking to your own daughter about sex and drinking and not taking drinks from boys or other people and whatnot (rufes), because if your daughter’s friend is confiding in HER about this, then that means she trusts her, and so…Your daughter is really not telling you about her friend, here. She is telling you what is going on around her and in her life and looking for some serious guidance on how to handle it herself. You should just be aware that this is the way this starts. It’s easy to think it’s someone else’s kid, but all kids, even the best kids, are capable of all sorts of idiotic things at this age…Hence the book “Yes, Your Teenager IS Crazy.”</p>
I think she is fine now, but it was a rough time for them.</p>