Daughter's friend's parents don't want her at their house ?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My 15 yr old daughter has been close friends with a girl who lives a few doors away from us for the last 5.5 yrs. She is a sweet girl and always welcome in our home, and she IS at our home frequently.
In the last several years, we have been friendly, acquaintance , share a cup of sugar type neighbors with them…we do not hang out socially with her parents</p>

<p>The relationship has also included sleepovers, mostly us as the hosts when the girls want to just get together , but also when we have gone away for a night or two and vice versa</p>

<p>My daughter has never felt as welcome in their home as their daughter has in ours , but they are a little rigid and cold .
My husband and I are taking a trip in about 10 days and although we have arranged for a lovely young grad student ( friend of the family ) to stay with our daughter while we are away , we needed a place for our daughter to to stay for two nights since the young lady gets home rather late on the nights of her classes.
During the summer , neighbor offered for our daughter to stay with them while we travelled . I wouldn’t consider having anyone take her into their home who isn’t a blood relative for ten days , but I did decide to ask if it would be ok for those two nights
When I asked the mom , she was more than willing to oblige
So I thought all was right and relieved to have it all worked out.</p>

<p>Well , last night when my husband and I were out to dinner, our daughter was over their house ( they were also out ) They were only watching a movie…none of these girls are disrespectful or misbehave in ANY way , any time
Well when the mom called and asked what they girls were doing , my daughter overheard the conversation and it went like this :</p>

<p>" Make sure than A is out of there before we get back or Dad is going to flip out… I mean it, I am serious "</p>

<p>Now to be honest , there was another mutual friend over at the time and it could have been that they simply didn’t want to have more than one friend over at the same time , or maybe they truly don’t want OUR daughter there</p>

<p>My husband and I were very upset, me more so…we have included their daughter in so many things including family trips…</p>

<p>Their daughter is the youngest as is ours, but there is a clear favoritism in their household for her brothers ( star athletes , both )
The household rules are not the same for them as they are for her , though both lads are away at college</p>

<p>I am being truthful in saying that the girls are very well behaved , respectful , not an iota of a chance for any bad behavior in any way…they are reserved, slightly nerdy girls </p>

<p>I no longer feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my daughter there since hearing what happened last night.
I am baffled and hurt , hurting for my daughter…I don’t want to stir up any drama at all and make things worse
I don’t know if I should just say thanks , but we no longer need to have her there , or let her know that our girl overheard the phone conversation</p>

<p>None of us want a confrontation
What would you do ?</p>

2

<p>I think I would just forget about it. Too much second and third hand possibility here of completely misinterpreting what was or was not said and what might have been meant by it. For example, it’s possible that the neighbors have a rule about not having friends over when the parents are away. Or maybe their daughter was on restriction for something that has nothing to do with your daughter.</p>

<p>Given the tenuous nature of the reporting of an overheard conversation, I’d just let it go…</p>

3

<p>For what’s worth, when our kids were in high school they weren’t allowed to have anyone over while we were out. It didn’t matter who they were. It was just a blanket rule. Our girls were allowed to have anyone over, as long as they let us know before hand and we always made a point of staying home. We’ve cancelled our own engagements just so we could be home when they wanted to have friends over.</p>

<p>It may be the case here with the father. It may not have anything to do with your daughter. I wonder if their daughter told them that she was having friends over. If you are concerned, I would speak with the mother again to make sure she is still fine with your daughter staying over. If YOU are not comfortable (mother’s instinct) then make another arrangement. </p>

<p>Frankly, I’ve had my kids stay home by themselves at that age because my kids were responsible and I felt much more comfortable to have them stay home by themselves than to have someone stay with them. One time when we were away, there was a huge snow storm, our younger daughter had our driveway all cleared before we came home.</p>

4

<p>It probably has nothing to do with your daughter, and everything to do with the neighboring dad. Maybe he’s ill, maybe there’s a family issue that needs to be discussed, maybe he just didn’t want other people in his home on that particular evening, maybe there was an argument between family members and he’s being difficult about it.</p>

<p>When talking to this neighbor, I would not mention that your daughter overheard the conversation. If your d would be more comfortable elsewhere (and I would understand if she felt that way), I’d just tell the neighbor that your d’s situation has changed, and thank her for offering to have her stay with them. No need for an excuse or explanation.</p>

5

<p>My husband, as well was fairly rigid about kids coming over at certain times. No one over when we were not there. And no one allowed past a certain time on a work or school night.</p>

<p>It was nothing against the kids, he just wanted the house quiet on a work night and did not want ‘strangers’ around. Kind of a weird personal space thing.</p>

<p>I can remember having a couple of the same phone conversations with my S about getting people to leave so his step father wouldn’t be upset.</p>

6

<p>Thanks…probably being neurotic here , so a relief to hear from other parents to keep things in perspective
The dad is kind of anal and not so friendly…and out of work ( though we aren’t supposed to know ) He’s also kind of snobby and feels superior
I think the daughter tried to cover it up so our girl didn’t hear it…probably because we are so good to her and she feels the icy reception that is reciprocated.</p>

7

<p>There may be an innocent explanation, as described above, but personally I would not feel comfortable leaving my kid at the mercy of someone like this for two days. I used to have a friend who would inevitably wait until we were in a situation where we were out somewhere or travelling and I was dependent on her for transportation to pick a fight. I swear, it happened three or four times. People can be strange.</p>

<p>Your D is 15, and I think she could stay alone until the grad student got home for just two nights, especially if she had a couple of phone numbers to call in case of emergency. For that matter, she could have the phone number of the neighbors in question. Just tell the other mom that you decided that your D could stay at home until the grad student arrived, and it would be less disruption for all concerned, a growth experience for your D, etc. No need to reveal the reason why and cause controversy.</p>

8

<p>Previously I was married to someone who was more than a little nuts about personal space, and not especially welcoming to others, with a zillion ‘rules’ that were a little beyond the pale. Mental health issues…not to be discussed. Had we gotten the kids to that age with the family intact, I could have well imagined a similar conversation. Or many of them, despite the fact that you may have done far more in the relationship. </p>

<p>Would well imagine that it is him, not you or your D. I feel for his D and the wife, as they might be putting up with a lot, and trying to minimize the issues. Could be the crankiness that comes with the depression associated with unemployment. </p>

<p>How does your D feel about being over there? Is she comfortable staying for those two nights?</p>

9

<p>When D was in HS she was allowed to have a few friends over if we were out but only the girls who were in her small group of best friends. We knew these girls well enough to know that there would be no trouble. OTOH, one of the girls was not allowed to have any friends over if her parents were out. That was just her parents’ house rule and we all respected it. No one was offended.</p>

10

<p>My daughter does not want to go there at all, and we don’t want her to be anywhere where she doesn’t feel welcome.
The sad thing is , we went to great lengths to take our dogs to a place where they would be happy , so I guess I am glad we caught this before it became an uncomfortable situation for our girl…people can be so strange
I never encountered these kind of issues with my older two girls at all. She also doesn’t feel comfortable with discussing it with her friend because she doesn’t want to put her on the spot</p>

11

<p>Seriously, it sounds like one of two things…</p>

<p>1) Dad doesn’t like others in his home when a parent isn’t there. This is actually a very common rule that many families have.</p>

<p>2) Dad is a control freak about personal space/his home/etc when he’s there. I’ve known grown women who can pretty much do what they want during the day, but when hubby is home, he wants the wifey there and no other people. </p>

<p>My (odd) FIL was definitely the type who didn’t want outsiders in his home when he was there. I think it was because he wanted: control of the TV, control of the noise, control of the conversations, etc. He didn’t want to be bothered with having to be “polite host” to various visitors. Heck, even when he came to OUR home, he’d disappear into our bedroom and watch TV (which I think was a little rude and intrusive!)…he even did this during our babies’ “post-baptism” parties. </p>

<p>Ask your D this…when she’s over there house when the mom is there (no dad), does she notice a difference? Is there less tension? Is the mom more relaxed and friendly? Does the coldness/weirdness mostly only happen when the dad is present?</p>

12

<p>Honestly, I think you can leave your D home by herself for two days if she’s never given you a reason not to trust her. I realize this might be unpopular, but I really think a 15 year old can handle herself for a few days, especially in the age of instant communication. </p>

<p>My best friend in high school just about lived with us. She was over all the time. She would be at our house for weeks on end and her mom never questioned it. I stayed at her house ONCE and never did again. Her mom’s boyfriend was a control freak and we had to be completely out of sight and silent (it was a trailer so silent pretty much meant silent) if guests were to be over (or even really if guests weren’t over). Some people are just weird and I wouldn’t want to leave a child in that environment.</p>

13

<p>I agree that she might be old enough/mature enough to be alone for a couple of days as long as she doesn’t tell others that she’ll be alone. But, is she the type to be scared to stay alone? If she would have trouble sleeping then that would be an issue.</p>

<p>Can you clarify…on the couple of nights that are the issue, is the only concern that the grad student would be getting home late…but WOULD be there eventually sometime late in the evening? If so, that doesn’t sound too bad. Again, I would advise my D not to tell others that she’s alone in the house. </p>

<p>ugh…bad typo in my earlier post…“when she’s over THEIR house”</p>

14

<p>My gut instinct is you should find other plans for her or to let her stay home alone until the grad student comes home, even if it is late at night.</p>

<p>It doesn’t sound like it is personal to your daughter, but that your neighbors do not like having other people in their home. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

15

<p>Um your daughter is fifteen. Imwas babysitting at thirteen when the parents didn’t get home till two in the morning. Are you saying your fifteen year old needs a babysitter? </p>

<p>This is less about neighbor then about a mom who needs to give her kid a break. She can be alone till midnight. Or gasp later.</p>

<p>Trust your daughter. I understand having an adult there for the ten days, however being a teen alone in the evening for a few hours is fine.</p>

<p>I’m kind of wondering why you are so worried about that?</p>

16

<p>It depends where OP lives and how comfortable her D feels about staying home by herself in the dark. I do remember there was a period of time when D2 was scared to stay home by herself, for whatever reason. i would leave it to OP to decide what’s right for her D.</p>

17

<p>My daughter isn’t comfortable being alone in the house late at night. She is a worrywart type of kid , always imagining the worst case scenario.</p>

<p>Not all 15 yr olds are ready for that…my older girls never had a problem with it, though they were with each other. We do not live in a dangerous area at all so it’s not like WE feel that she isn’t safe</p>

18

<p>When I was growing up, my best friend’s mom said those kinds of things about me all the time, and I know my parents said it about her, too. My dad just hated sleepovers and my parents were weird about personal space… I am sure her parents said it because I was in their hair pretty much all the time. We loved my bff and, well, her parents at least have tolerated me the last 20 years. :wink: I would go ahead and make another arrangement if your D is uncomfortable but I wouldn’t read too far into it and would encourage your D not to as well.</p>

<p>For what it’s worth, we weren’t left alone overnight until we were much older than 15. I could have been but was not comfortable, my sister is just not trustworthy. BFFs parents left them alone from when they were like 14 and they were fine… really depends on the kid and the family. Go with your gut on that.</p>

19

<p>I suggest that you find someone else to come and stay with your D those two evenings until the grad student gets home. Perhaps the grad student has a friend? It is unfortunate, but leaving her at the mercy of this man’s whims does not sound like a good idea to me. Who knows: he might take it into his head to order her out of the house the first night! </p>

<p>Sounds like having her stay at home with company would help preserve her relationship with her friend.</p>

20

<p>Maybe the friend could come and stay with her on those nights? The parents are nearby, after all.</p>