Daughter's Weight

Parent Cafe
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<p>Such an interesting discussion! OP, I have had just the same issue with a D, and struggled for the words, the approach. I think there are medical issues, to an extent, and she is not willing to explore them. But she does exercise, and is from a family that is active and eats their vegetables, if less than on top of portion control. I feel she’s got some good habits for the future. </p>

<p>But I’ve had my own little experiment that has evolved unintentionally over the college years. Twin A is in a Midwest school, has gained weight, despite being a competitive athlete for part of the year. Twin B is on the west coast, plays a recreational sport, and has taken up running, and worked on weight loss Freshman year, so much lighter now than when she entered college. </p>

<p>The college environment in twin As Midwest town seems to be a very hard one for health, cold, little to do but study and drink, and the food service is not great (but is a good school for many other reasons). Her friends don’t seem to be exercisers, though my D works out when at home. </p>

<p>West coast girl works out with her friends, has become much more appearance focused in her college years. Food service is better, healthier at her school. Both have taken to cooking for themselves to save money and eat better. They are quite different in weight. Friends ask me if twin A feels badly in comparison. She doesn’t, as far as I know. We live in a very accepting of personal difference sort of town. </p>

<p>Some of this is personal choice, some metabolic difference. Much, I feel, is different campus environment, and the culture of various friend groups. I also wonder about drinking, and how the calorie load from alcohol can affect metabolism of someone with a tendency toward weight gain.</p>

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<p>One more thing; My mother had 11 brother’s and sisters, 9 girls with 2 distinct body types and facial features. Some where 5’5" and “husky”, some 4’10" and “small” like my mom.</p>

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<p>You get one shot to set the tone on this conversation. It can either be a life-long dialogue or it can be an endless source of tension. </p>

<p>Honestly, OP, your most recent post reads like a “not to do” list for approaching a loved one about a health concern. </p>

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<p>Terror is not a good place to be working from to start an open dialogue. </p>

<p>I feel sad for this daughter. There’s really not much else to say.</p>

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<p>That is considered underweight by all measures, and being underweight is considered more unhealthy than mild obesity. Minimum reasonably healthy weight for that height is probably around 125 pounds.</p>

<p>Main remedy is to eat more. High calorie healthy foods include such things as avocados, fatty fish, and nuts. But do some exercises (mainly resistance exercise) to ensure that the gain includes muscle, to avoid the “normal weight obesity” or “skinny fat” problem (normal weight or even underweight, but with a high percentage of body fat, which tends to have metabolic problems similar to those who have typical obesity).</p>

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<p>Gained weight or gained fat? There is an important distinction – gaining weight due to muscle built up from exercise is healthy, the exact opposite of gaining weight due to excess fat.</p>

<p>A little while ago at work, some women sat down at the same table in the lunch room and started talking about weight loss; one of them indicated frustration at not losing weight despite diet and exercise. I asked her if her waistline was getting smaller. She realized that she was losing inches, which probably indicated that the fat loss was being masked by muscle gain when looking at the scale.</p>

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<p>ucb, most likely she gained both. Our bodies are wired to develop a fat layer in a cold environment. Been there, done that.</p>

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<p>Wow. You are making assumptions. I get that you are unhappy, but is this isn’t about you. You are concerned how this reflects on on you. I am reading that you will be embarrassed to be seen with your “fat” daughter. </p>

<p>You really just need to know how she feels about it. If she is comfortable then let it go. </p>

<p>She is old enough to make her own decisions. She is old enough and I would assume smart enough to know how and where to go for help. Has she asked you for help?</p>

<p>What needs to happen is to just let her know you love her no matter what, and by all means, don’t project to her that the weight gain is somehow reflecting on you and embarrassing for you.</p>

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<p>Here’s the thing. If the daughter overeats in an addictive way that’s no different than alcoholism. Alcohol consumption CAUSES alcoholism, and some have a genetic predisposition. Overeating CAUSES “metabolic syndrome,” and some have a genetic predisposition. Alcoholism causes social problems, health problems, and can shorten one’s life. Overeating to the point of morbid obesity has the same effect.</p>

<p>You’d talk to your daughter who was alcoholic. Why not talk to your daughter who is addicted to food? </p>

<p>If, in fact, that’s what is going on. If she’s not overeating, nor addicted to sugar/fats, then I would agree, the mother should leave it alone.</p>

<p>For the sake of the daughter the mom has to put aside the whole cosmetic bit - except inasmuch as fat people face enormous discrimination in the workplace etc., and she should be hoping to help her daughter avoid that fate.</p>

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<p>I don’t think very many people get talked out of being alcoholics by their mothers, alumother.</p>

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<p>“Wow. You are making assumptions. I get that you are unhappy, but is this isn’t about you. You are concerned how this reflects on on you. I am reading that you will be embarrassed to be seen with your “fat” daughter.”</p>

<p>I would say someone else here is making assumptions, too.</p>

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<p>CF, I hope you re-read that post.
You cannot possibly mean that a parent should just give up and say “Well, my D is an alcoholic, so there is nothing I can or should try to do to help her.”</p>

<p>Parenting is a dance. Even with adult children we need to be give something to them that is not there for them anywhere else. How to do that? THAT is the question.</p>

<p>My mantra is " I will never give up. Never tune out. Even if that just means watching silently, caring, praying and modeling."</p>

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<p>Cardinal Fang, of course. No one is “talked out” of addictions. But one shouldn’t just disengage, right off the bat. One wades in, one determines if the addict is aware, in denial, willing to fight. Then one determines the right course of treatment. None of that can be done by simply ignoring the issues. Shame complicates this all so much, shame on the addict’s part, shame on the family’s part. I always hope to be able to put shame aside and address the issues. </p>

<p>I’m not saying it’s easy. Nor am I saying that I have addressed shameful issues in my family well myself. I know that we, as parents, all keep trying to get better all the time. Each in our own ways, as performersmom said very well, just above.</p>

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<p>I wish I had a suggestion for the motivation part. A few months back, my daughter called and said she was going to the gym again and had lost some weight. As a backstory, she is well aware that I’ve recently lost weight and gotten more fit. I was super-enthusiastic for her and she talked a bit about not knowing what to do in her gym and so forth.</p>

<p>So, for her birthday a couple weeks later, I sent her theme package. Quotes for her from perhaps the two top trainers in the United States – one who is the conditioning coach for the US Women’s Olympic ice hockey team and the other who operates maybe the best fitness/weight loss gym targeted at women in the country. Both recommended two very simple pieces of exercise equipment that can be carried in a gym bag and “will be great for her butt”. The two pieces of equipment are sold by one of Hollywood’s top trainers, so I also found YouTubes of the trainer demonstrating the three exact exercises the other trainers had recommended and, to top it off, found a video of Jennifer Garner (in a pencil skirt and 6-inch heels no less) demonstrating the exercises on the Ellen show. The two pieces of gear were both bright green, so I wrapped it all in a bright green package with a bright green bow and the quotes and the YouTube links.</p>

<p>She got the package said she tried it out once and then I never heard a peep for two months and I didn’t bring it up. Finally, last week I asked her if she had been using her minibands and ValSlides at all. She said no, she hadn’t been to the gym. So, honestly, I feel like I’ve led the horse to water, but the decision to drink has got to be hers. But, heh, I ordered a set of both for me when I ordered hers and they’ve indeed been great for my butt!</p>

<p>I am going to give her Gary Taubes’ book at some point, probably the Kindle version because she eats carbs like crazy. There’s diabetes in the family, she’s a prime candidate for insulin resistance, and it’s important information for her.</p>

<p>My number one piece of advice for young people is, “someday you are going to lose weight/get fit and it’s not going to be any easier when you are fifty-something than it would be today. It’s going to be a wonderful feeling when you do it, so you might as well do it now and enjoy it that much sooner…” I think it’s pretty good advice, but it hasn’t been successful. I do agree that advice may be time release. It may sit on the shelf for a while, but not forgotten.</p>

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<p>At a certain point that is exactly what should be said/done. Have you ever been to an Al Anon meeting or read their literature? The bottom line is that the only person who you can change is yourself. </p>

<p>Well meaning parents, partners, friends and so on do a lot of things that actually make the addiction worse out of the best of intentions. </p>

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<p>I’ve not seen anyone here advocate disengaging. What I have seen, what I am advocating, is being self-aware enough to realize that sometimes our first (second, third, etc.) instincts are counter-productive. I think just “wading in” is a terrible idea until the person who is doing the wading had dealt with their own issues about fat, alcohol, etc.</p>

<p>Working from a place of terror or shame, wanting to introduce language of failure, wanting to control another person (no matter how good the intentions)…none of that is productive.</p>

<p>All we can really do is love the person and support the person in healthy ways. We can also refuse to support unhealthy behavior but that is near impossible with weight. Everyone has to eat, you cannot make a condition of someone being in your house that they remain “sober” from food. So, we are back to love and support. Not fear, not terror, not failure, not control, not taking over…love and support.</p>

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<p>pugmad - Understood, at a certain point, one does walk away. Understood, one needs to face one’s own issues and attitudes, ideally, before engaging. I love what you say here:

But I can’t help believing that love and communication is a good instinct to follow. And that avoiding the conversation out of shame or fear is just as bad as engaging in it with cloudy motivation.</p>

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<p>If someone cannot get past their own shame/panic about, say, fat or cannot operate from a somewhat rational place about, say, alcoholism, then they are not ready to talk to someone else about it. </p>

<p>So, yes, I think shame or fear should put the conversation on hold until the person has dealt with their own issues, has gotten some support for themselves. I’ve been on both ends of these conversations. I’ve jumped the gun, dumped my own anxiety on someone else and you just cannot get that conversation back. </p>

<p>Good intentions and love are not even close to being enough. It would be so wonderful if they were! They should be enough, in a fair and reasonable world. But they are just not.</p>

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<p>anxiousmom1 -
after many failed attempts over the years at weight loss, i am finally seeing some success now on a particular program that focuses on cleansing the body of toxins. if you want more info pm me. for me, this program makes so much sense and definitely has given great results. along with a restricted diet, the cleanse, and supplements i am feeling so much better. what clicked with me was that being overweight wasn’t my fault but due to the buildup of toxins in my body. that was huge for me mentally…and helped explain why i had experienced so many other failures when trying to diet. also, i started the diet once i experienced an injury that affected my mobility. once you realize that your mobility is affected, that is a huge motivator to do something about being overweight. my h is also losing weight and together i feel like we are setting a good example for our kids. the program we are on now includes a weekly weigh in and measuring inches lost. accountability is a plus. i would suggest you encourage your daughter to get on a weight loss program that includes accountability. trying to do it on her own may not work. i am convinced that money spent on weight loss is money well spent because you are helping to prevent spending dollars on health care down the road.</p>