<p>My DD has one of the winning lottery tickets known as admission to a top tier university in another state. She was literally jumping for joy when she got the letter but her attitude has taken a 180 since discussing it with her current boyfriend.</p>
<p>He seems like a nice enough guy with good manners and weve enjoyed having him come around the house. He finished high school last year and has only worked part-time at an hourly wage job since then. Hes not currently enrolled in school anywhere and doesnt seem to have any plans to do so. He has confessed to our DD that hes afraid she will outgrow him. They apparently toyed with the idea of him moving to the city where her school is but since he shares an apartment (and the bills) and only works about 20 hours a week, thats not doable from a financial standpoint. </p>
<p>My wife and I have always welcomed our DDs boyfriends and have always been kind to them. But now we see, for the first time, a romance having the potential to really have a negative impact. Our DD asked us if we could help her boyfriend come to see her during the school year but we explained that it will be all we can do to pay full freight ($50K including transportation) for her and her older sister at an equally expensive school. She now tells us shes not sure she even wants to go.</p>
<p>Weve made it clear we are not willing to support her financially in any option other than college. But in truth, we did not raise her to be independent at 18 and she is no where near ready to be on her own. Her entire paycheck would not even cover her life sustaining medications even if she worked full time and had good health insurance. Much less pay rent, utilities, food, car, etc. etc. etc. </p>
<p>His family seems to think our DD is just wonderful for their son and definately is discouraging her from “going so far from home”. She spends more and more time with them and less with us because they support her current point of view. We’ve stayed calm so far but this definately has the potential to get ugly. </p>
<p>Bottom line: We cant believe our level-headed daughter is choosing this time to suddenly get stupid with love and potentially throw away the opportunity of a lifetime over a guy who we feel sure will not even be a part of her life a year from now. (Before all this started she confessed to her mother some concerns about the boyfriend’s lack of ambition as well as the fact that he’s not nearly as bright as she is.) </p>
<p>Ouch! Can she defer acceptance for a year to work in town w/ a job. (Since maybe a year of hourly wages and slacker boyfriend will convince her that going off to college at high-power U is a good thing???) We need a little more info before more advice…Does she have any other good college acceptances? Any merit aid? Any instate, closer to home and cheaper for you options?</p>
<p>I am also not qualified to give advice. But I do have a bulldozer and a large remote ranch. You can lure him out here on any dark night ending in “y”. Bring your own starting fluid. She’s a little cold-natured.</p>
<p>anxiousmom, to answer your questions: A year off is not really wise since she can’t be covered on our health insurance if she’s not a student and her expensive condition would be considered “pre-existing” even if she got a good job of some kind (which is unlikely with only a HS diploma). No other acceptances as she was in early and therefore also no merit aid which is generally reserved to draw in RD kids. Did get a small bit of nice need-based aid due to she and her sis both at expensive schools.</p>
<p>At this point, we feel like offering in state would be catering to her weaker side allowing her to have her cake and eat it too…no grown up responsibilities and close to boyfriend who will continue to be bad influence.</p>
<p>We do recognise that it’s not his fault. She is responsible for lowering her goals to stay near him. </p>
<p>My wife and I have been talking and believe she will go to top tier school but has made up her mind she will hate it. Therefore she will not do well. It’s tough enough when you WANT to be there! Our hope is that she will get there and her guy will pale by comparison to the other bright ambitious guys there. I guess that’s actually her concern as well. (She’s told us that she knows if she goes off to school it will most likely end her current relationship.)</p>
<p>I would tell her that unless this boyfriend can cough up a ring and a date and a good paying job, then his (or his family’s) opinions cannot be considered.</p>
<p>The fact that he’s scared that she will “outgrow” him is a HUGE red flag. Does she have any idea of the higher failure rate among couples when the woman is more highly educated (and more highly paid) than the man??? </p>
<p>Have you asked her GC to talk to her??? How about a priest or minister or rabbi?</p>
<p>Call Dr. Phil… maybe he can straighten her out before May 1st.</p>
<p>possibly off-point, but if you and D currently have a qualified, employer-sponsored “group” plan, than your D can move over to another qualified group plan and the pre-existing condition clause cannot be enforced in accordance with HIPAA. But, if D is currently covered under an individual or private policy, than a pre-existing condition clause can be enforced.</p>
<p>In any event, a post-HS job is not likely to provide health coverage.</p>
<p>(She’s told us that she knows if she goes off to school it will most likely end her current relationship.)</p>
<p>I missed reading that the first time.</p>
<p>Well… then, I don’t think that she will really “hate” her top tier school if she thinks that way…</p>
<p>I hope for all your sakes that she chooses her top tier school. VERY few people these days end up with a mate that they dated while in high school.</p>
<p>We have pointed out that her mother and I have much more of an emotional investment in her and are more likely to have her long term best interests at heart than these near strangers. But you know how teens can be, even smart ones…Parents are always trying to “control my life” and any Joe Blow out there that agrees with the teen is a bloody genius! </p>
<p>Ironically, DD went to GC herself to complain that her parents were “freaking out” about this. (If she thinks this is “freaking out” she ain’t seen nothing yet!). The GC and “family life teacher” (whatever that is) told her they see why we would be concerned. When she didn’t get their unconditional backing she dismissed them entirely. Regarding a priest, although we are a church going family, she is not at a place in her life (and frankly neither was I at her age) where she values their opinion. </p>
<p>Do you think we’d be going overboard to ask her to see a professional therapist? How do we know they would support our viewpoint? There are some touchy-feely hippee types out there doing head shrinking. (Why would I pay someone to work against me afterall?)</p>
<p>Welcome to CC, but sorry that your post is good news/bad news. anxiousmom offered a good option. How about the possibility of her going to the university and, after a year, reassessing where she is in her life? After all, you’re going to be paying the bills. She should have some respect for the support that you are and will be giving her.</p>
<p>D had a HS BF last fall when she went off to college. Fortunately, he was a year younger so he still had a year of HS, and she was going cross-country and wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of a long-distance romance. But up until the point when she and BF parted the day before she left, H and I weren’t quite sure what was going to happen. It’s such an emotion-laden time filled with decisions about the future, about love, about life. If your D’s BF truly loves her, he would want what’s best for her. Of course, BF’s parents wants your D to stay. They know a good thing–your D–and the good influence she has on their son. If so, she should have a heart-to-heart with him, or maybe you and/or your W could talk with him.</p>
<p>An interesting exercise might be asking your D if this is the guy she would want to wake up next to for the rest of her life (if she truly is that serious about him). The fact that she’s aware of his lack of ambition and that she’s smarter than he is reveals she’s been thinking seriously about the potential of the relationship.</p>
<p>Wishing you the best possible outcome for all involved.</p>
<p>Bluebayou, thanks for the pointers…unfortunately we have had to be very well versed in HIPAA due to DD’s life long health issues.</p>
<p>Although it’s always a shame for a bright child with opportunities handed to her on a silver platter to throw it all away, for our DD, it’s truly a matter of life and death. We’ve done such a good job making her feel confident and capable, we might have screwed up. She’s too confident and doesn’t have a clue how unprepared she is for the “real world”. Luckily, at her hourly wage job she sees lots of high school grads who did not choose college trying desperately to make ends meet and who do not have so much given to them. I think she’s smart enough to at least recognize how good she’s got it. She just resents us for being the ones to give it to her!</p>
<p>Difficult - but not impossible GARDNER - First off I think deferral is a scape goat - kids need to learn/experience some real life - and face things directly. This may be one of those times for your DD.</p>
<p>I think I would suggest somewhat of a family meeting - sans b/f - to ‘talk’ about ALL the options on the table - and I do mean TALK - no yellin allowed. Pre-game with each having a list of pros/cons about this whole situation - including options relating to any b/f. I think she needs to know also - that what is meant to be… This opportunity will give all of you an open and above board discussion and maybe be able to get her to rationalize in the long term. </p>
<p>She maybe right about going away to school could end her relationship - but it could also make it stronger. If he - and she - really have to make it work - then maybe he needs to consider her future in the long term - he needs to take responsibility to make it work also - and I would expect that he needs to be supportive of her choices rather than being selfish for his own good. She needs to be aware that a relationship is a 2 way street also - and that he needs to contribute positively to make it work - in the long haul.</p>
<p>I would also think that your DD may be experiencing those ‘change of life’ jitters - she is about to leave the known for the unknown - leaving her comfort zone - it is not uncommon for many kids at this age to suddenly get cold feet. Maybe an initial compromise would help - go to school - if change of mind - come home - but at least take a shot at it. She may be very anxious about living up to YOUR expectations as well - let her know it is ok to change her mind - but needs to try it first. This is one of the biggest decisions she has had to deal with in her life - especially if she has been a somewhat protected kiddo. She may need some time to digest everything that involves leaving home - scary times for her right now.</p>
<p>This is not a situation that I would be comfortable with a charging the bull approach - don’t want to push her away - but it does need to be addressed - in a calm/intelligent/enlightening way. I would be willing to have the deposit in place at least - there is a long time between now and August - minds may change on their own. Depending on how things go - you may just have to have a talk with the b/f himself - and even his family - this is not their decision to make and they may need to know that.</p>
<p>One last tip - I would consider asking for a meeting with the GC and your DD - and you as well - to ‘discuss’ the situation - and maybe ask for guidance/support - non-threatening meeting tho - since she already took it upon herself to see the GC she may be willing to re-visit.</p>
<p>As far as her health situation - you may want to present a ‘budget’ of what HER expenses will be - if she is not a student and has to PAY them herself - and that the start date of her paying will be…06!! Include all the expenses - apartment/costs - car insurance/mainenance - ALL health related expenses, etc… to let her know pretty much the costs related to maintaining her health - she may not be completely aware of all the expenses (include the cost of insurance as well) - and ask her how she will cover those things - starting…06.</p>
<p>Gosh, I would hope any child psychologist (make sure you get a PhD) would focus on your DTR’s fear of the unknown, fear of change, insecurities, & future expectations. Her current b/f is drifting. I might tell my D to that with his part-timework schedule, he will be able to visit quite often. If he loves her, he will make this effort. If he loves her, he will not want her to miss such a wonderful opportunity.
good luck!!!</p>
<p>Am I the only one who is bothered by the fact that a daughter whose parents are paying for full tuition for 2 kids in college would ask her parents to “help” her “part-time working boyfriend” come visit her?</p>
<p>I am bothered on 3 counts:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If HE wants to visit her, he can work more hours to pay for his visits. If he won’t work more hours, then he’s lazy and is showing that he is one who won’t tolerate being “inconvenienced.”</p></li>
<li><p>Is she a bit “clueless” about money??? Has she so little understanding of money that your family will be paying that she doesn’t think anything is wrong with asking for help for her boyfriend’s visits? </p></li>
<li><p>Would these “visits” be “sex visits”??? Were you being asked to help fund those???</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Have you tried the one about where if you love someone, you let them go?!? My daughter is a sophomore and has dated her boyfriend since 8th grade. When it came down to crunch time with colleges, daughter was accepted to a women’s LAC, boyfriend wanted larger university (in different states no less). I talked to both of them and told them that if either made a decision based on the other…they would always regret it. I advised them to follow their dreams for college and if they were truly meant to be together, they would prevail in the end. All our friends told us this would mean a break up, but happily (in this case) this has not happened. D even went on a semester abroad in Rome and they are both making the most of their college opportunities. </p>
<p>I too, am not qualified to give advice, but with two daughters…I completely understand your heartbreak. In this particular instance, if you come out completely against this young man, that usually makes them very rebellious about it. I guess I would LIGHTLY touch on the fact that you want to make it work with her boyfriend (finesse… maybe only one sentence long!!), but strongly that she really needs to think about her future first (Many more sentences and delivered in a calm manner). I would certainly stand firm on going to college and they likely will drift apart after she settles in. She may be angry over the summer and in the beginning, but will thank you in later years. Lots of prayers to you and best of luck! It certainly isn’t easy being a parent and she will learn that someday herself.</p>
<p>Thanks for the welcome Little Mother. Actually I posted on the old forum years ago when D1 was going through app process. I’ve lurked here throughout D2’s process but never posted until now.</p>
<p>Regarding the HS BF situation, I think my DD is realistic in part because she was privy to conversations between my wife and D1 regarding her HS BF. D1 had hoped to continue that relationship but it lasted only until Christmas. D1 is still licking her wounds over that one and she is 2nd sem soph now. </p>
<p>I do think D2 believes she wants to build a life with this boy. I believe she loves him (as much as teens can with a fairly narrow world view). But I think she also sees him fairly clearly and in a way that hurts her. She has these strong feelings and enjoys him (he makes her laugh) but she also knows they are (as they say in Fiddler on the Roof) like a fish and a bird. They may love each other but where will they make their home?</p>
<p>I just wish she wouldn’t decide she now hates top tier (formally her dream school) just because it takes her away from him. It would be just like her to choose to be miserable there just to prove she was right. </p>