<p>We have attempted to brainwash…uh, I mean <em>teach</em>…our children that the type of courtship Berurah describes is a good way to form relationships. We know lots of families who “do” courtship, and they all do it differently.</p>
<p>Having the girl’s dad involved is a pretty consistent aspect of courtship. For most that we know though, it is subtly different than what Berurah describes. Yes, the guy is supposed to ask the dad if he’s interested in starting a relationship with the d. But it’s for the reasons that Ariesathena describes, not because she is too stupid to pick a guy for herself. </p>
<p>Men seem to be able to spot a guy whose motives are less than noble. A young girl/woman (not stupid…just young and inexperienced) will often fall for a guy who is a smooth operator. Maybe it’s a sexist thing to say, but you just don’t as often see young, inexperienced guys being taken in by smooth operator young women. So, if dad thinks the guy is trouble, he tells him to get lost. If he thinks the guy is okay, that he is interested in the d because he is looking for a wife rather than looking for a playtoy, and he thinks his d is ready, he tells his d and asks her if she’s interested. If she’s not, dad gets rid of him. If she is, dad gives the go ahead. </p>
<p>Since, generally speaking, courtships occur when young women are of age or close to it, she doesn’t have to have her dad’s permission. Rather, she asks him to be her screener because she trusts his judgment better than her own. She is also trusting him to protect her in things such as not getting started on a relationship when it will before years before there could be a marriage. Kids don’t turn into adults overnight just because they turn 18.</p>
<p>In our own family, our 21 y/o d said “thanks, but no thanks” to courtship. That’s her decision. We haven’t disowned her or penalized her in any way. Interestingly, though she didn’t embrace the courtship philosophy, her dating philosophy is much more conservative than average. She’s only dated 2-3 guys, though she gets asked out frequently. She’s very picky and makes sure she knows certain things about a guy before she’ll go out with him. She won’t go out with someone if she knows something about him up front that would make him someone she wouldn’t want to marry.</p>
<p>Our oldest S whined all through high school that we wouldn’t let him date. We homeschooled our kids, so it was relatively easy to prevent this. In his junior year he met a girl (also homeschooled) who he became good friends with and started to “like”. She wasn’t allowed to date either, so they spent time together working on a mock trial team, serving as officers in a club, talking on IM, and occasionally getting together with friends at one of our homes.</p>
<p>Now they are both attending the same university. They have, of course, spent time alone there and have grown closer. Her dad has told our s that they like him just fine, but they will not give them permission to date her at this time. Her family are conservative Christians, as are we, and they don’t want her dating someone for 3-4 years until graduation since we all know where that will likely end up. Yes, it’s been an up and down battle with them trying to stay away from each other and back the relationship down and then succumbing and seeing each other again. We know her parents and like them, but I think her dad is setting up a no-win situation, but that’s another long post. Like our d, this girl could tell her dad, “thanks, but no thanks” for the protection. However, she has decided not to do that. She really trusts her dad and wants to follow his advice. Our son, I am proud to say, has enough foresight that he knows it would not be wise to set himself up in opposition to her parents, so he is trying to honor her dad’s wishes, too.</p>
<p>Oh, and a little aside…I just have a real feeling that those 2 aren’t going to have a problem in the world with intimate compatibility if they wait until marriage. They formed their relationship so slowly…going from acquaintances to co-workers (kind of, on the mock trial and clubs) to friends to best friends to sweethearts over the course of 3 years. They knew and respected one another before they started looking all goofy at each other. Maybe I’m naive, but I think they’ll be just fine.</p>
<p>Anyway, all that to say, this relationship is clearly not a normal college kids’ relationship. However, in the long run, they are likely to have a much happier and more stable relationship than most. As for our s, he sees this girl as a prize worth winning and worth waiting for. She feels like a queen because he is willing to wait for her even though she is “so much trouble”.</p>
<p>Our younger s is 16. He knows he isn’t allowed to date, so he hasn’t said much about it. He’s watching his older siblings though, and I’m sure he’s learning more from them than anything we tell him.</p>
<p>I’m just another right-wing conservative…we put the “fun” back into fundamentalist!!</p>