<p>
aries~</p>
<p>Well, then I guess there are gradations of courtship. As I said, the people who subscribe to this where WE live are on the extreme end of it with the young man HAVING to approach the father first to ask for permission to court and then marry. The way it has been explained to me (and do remember that some of the people are GOOD friends of mine despite our philosophical/religious differences) is that the young people spend time in group situation, preferably church related, and if in the context of THAT setting, a boy decides he is interested in a girl, this whole process starts. The goal is to make sure that this “liking” leads to “courting” which then leads to marriage w/o the girl having been involved with more than ONE guy. I am still against this for many reasons, but as others have aptly pointed out, to each his own.</p>
<p>We take an very different approach in our family, BUT…remarkably I DO have “veto power,” not because I insist on it but rather because my kids have such a level of trust and respect for me that they SEEK this advice. Both my oldest S and oldest D (the only two who have dated so far) have expressed to me that it is VERY important that I “approve” of the person they have selected to date. I would never have to put my foot down about someone with these two…they would defer to what they consider to be my keen intuitive skills and my greater wisdom in “life experience.” So, they ARE getting the input, but it is done without stripping anyone’s empowerment. I think it is ESPECIALLY important to foster and preserve the empowerment of our young girls. Too many of them feel at the mercy of someone else. I will do everything in my power to encourage their trust in themselves when it comes to relationships. Perhaps NOT ironically, my D’s bf is VERY much like my h.s. boyfriend(s)–UBER respectful, kind, attentive, loving, and trustworthy–a very atypical 17-year-old. I have basically told her to expect NOTHING less for herself, and so far, she has followed my advice.</p>
<p>Aside from talking the talk, we walk the walk. My husband is VERY respectful and considerate of me. He shows immense amounts of gratitude for all that I do, even the smallest of things. He thanks me for EVERY meal cooked, every trip to the store, and everything I do for the kids and for him, and he has encouraged this same type of gratitude in our kids. Despite the fact that I have been home full time and he has a full time job (usually with lots of overtime), he helps around the house and cleans more than I do! <em>lol</em> As deluded as this may be, he truly thinks I am beautiful and compliments me daily. He often leaves me “love notes” on the backs of paper plates <em>lol</em> or sends me sweet emails. During one particularly difficult pregnancy, he left me lovely and romantic notes of encouragement on the counter each and every morning! Perhaps it is this modeling, more than anything else, that has influenced my D (and my S) to seek out quality relationships of their own choosing. I have been extremely pleased with their choices of love interests.</p>
<p>There are many women I know who simply accept whatever type of treatment is given to them. One woman in particular that I know is now going through a divorce initiated by her husband after his having cheated on her (among MANY other things), and yet, SHE still wanted to preserved the relationship…I don’t understand this. This is behavior that would not be acceptable to me, and <em>I</em> would have asked HIM to leave. Women such as this are NOT empowered and do NOT feel complete w/o a man. THAT is what I’m desperately trying to communicate to my kids, especially my three girls…that they don’t NEED a man to be/feel complete and that it is most assuredly worth the wait to find the kind of man who will be kind, respectful, attentive, and loving–this CAN be done outside of the confines of a “courting” relationship. I know…I did it myself.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>