<p>Huh? Why are you guys saying he is a ■■■■■?</p>
<p><<<< Any suggestions how to mix the BF and her other world when she is doing her best to keep them separate? >>>>>></p>
<p>have you ever asked her WHY she keeps the two worlds so separate? Would she actually use the words “embarrassed”? When she didnt want to invite him and his family to grad, what excuse did she use?</p>
<p>Would you be able to get a GC to talk to her?</p>
<p>compare his voice to idad, mini, TheDad, tsdad, digs…it is very different.</p>
<p>gardener uses these anamolies: ‘get’, ‘yeah’, and many exclamation points. The usual CC supects don’t do that.</p>
<p>bluealien"</p>
<p>I think what post means is that the parents successfully pressured the boy to break up with the girl. Yes, there are boys who will listen to their parents regarding such. I had a college boyfriend whose parents didn’t want him to “get married until he was 29” so they were relentless to break us up. They succeeded. Funny thing is, as soon as he moved a bit away, he married the first girl he met and then go divorced, while I have been happily married for 21 years. (Thank you boyfriend’s parents)</p>
<p>“<she recently=”" said=“” to=“” me,=“” ‘dad,=“” how=“” would=“” you=“” feel=“” being=“” away=“” from=“” mom=“” that=“” long?’=“”>"</she></p>
<pre><code> Is this your D’s first serious relationship? I’m still in hs myself and I remember my first “date”. It was a person who I wouldn’t normally consider cute and we didn’t have anything in common except that we lived in the same town. No matter how awful/rude he was towards me, I always dismissed it.
I think you should sit your daughter in front of the tv and force her to watch Lifetime (television for women) over and over again. If that doesn’t work, remind her that you and your wife have been together for many years, through several ups-and-downs, and have had children together. Big difference from 4 months.
If you won’t take him to some dark alley, I will (for you). People just end up “missing” for no reason. J/K
Sometimes I feel like my parents are always telling me what to do, but I know that they’re just doing what’s best for me.
Remind her that she did not work hard for 4 years just to through it all away; that you and her mother have worked hard (4 or 5) jobs so that she could live better than you did; that her bf is still growing up himself and is focusing on what he wants; also, tell her to think in long-term, not short-term. If she misses out on going to the college of her dreams, she will always resent her bf whether they remain together or not.
Just keep in mind tho that I’m still in hs myself and have never shared ur experience; I just wanted to help.
</code></pre>
<p>How about if you get specific with your daughter. Tell her that you really feel it’s best that she matriculate as planned, but you understand her concerns about missing her BF. Say, let’s take a look at the fall semester and plan when she’ll be able to see the BF. Sit down with the school calendar for fall semester. Highlight parent’s weekend, Thanksgiving, and other weekends or mini-breaks when you expect to visit or have her return home. Highlight midterm and final exam periods which would not be good times for him to visit. Then, together, figure out maybe two weekends in the fall when he could visit. The fall semester goes very fast and there won’t be many good weekends to host out of town BF’s especially if DD is busy on campus.</p>
<p>You could suggest that because you understand he is not working full time, that money is tight, so you are willing to lend a hand. Tell her that you will split the travel costs or airfare with the BF 50/50. All he has to do is bring over a check or cash (by a certain predetermined date) and you’ll cover the rest, book the flight, arrange for the ground transportation for him.</p>
<p>Then, examine the options. Look up the various travel arrangements with your daughter side-by-side. Figure out how he would get from the airport to the school. You could even go so far as to actually book the arrangements ASAP for the first visit, just to put something tangible in place. Print out the info and maybe talk to both of them together about it… make the offer… see what he does. “I know you’ve gotten very close in the last few months, and the thought of DD going across the country would mean being apart for several months…DD’s mother and I would like to help… if you kids are really in love we want to give the relationship it’s best chance…she needs to matriculate so let’s talk about how we can be supportive of her education and your wishes to be together…etc.” If he balks or delays bringing over the money, it will tell you something right there.</p>
<p>Emphasize that with IMing, email, snailmail, and cell phone, plus a couple of visits, that the Christmas break will be here before they know it. Be as supportive as possible to get DD on campus.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, try to have the BF over more, get tickets to events and bring him along, entertain DD’s friends more with BF invited. Maybe encourage him to look into a local CC or start a certification program in the fall. Then he’ll have academic responsibilities as well, and, best case scenario, they can encourage each other. </p>
<p>Maybe they’ll break up, maybe they’ll stay together, but take college out of the equation… insist she go, but do everything you can to let the relationship run its natural course. If you let her stay home, there’s an excellent chance that you’ll both regret the missed opportunity.</p>
<p>I’d be surprised if gardner is ■■■■■■■■, but even if he is (which I doubt), the topic is still a good one.</p>
<p>To answer a few questions (not necessarily in order) …</p>
<p>She met him when she volunteered to tutor kids at the place where he is a paid employee. Yes, this is her first serious relationship, although not her first boyfriend. I don’t know if his family is aware at all of her health issues and/or the financial situation of our family. </p>
<p>Speckledegg, we have already done a lot of what you suggest but I will certainly try the ones we have not.</p>
<p>crazyapp2010, you make some very wise statements, especially at the end! If only my DD was still so wise!</p>
<p>Good ideas, well organized, speckledegg. Those are all terrific suggestions.</p>
<p>Oh yeah, the excuse for not wanting BF and his family at her grad party was that we might say something to embarrass her or to make them feel bad. We are nice people who treat all our guests graciously. She is just a typical teen who is embarassed by a lot of what we say and do.</p>
<p>what do her girlfriends think of him? Have they met him? (I know she keeps the circles sep but do they know much about him?)</p>
<p>I have been reading your post and it is very interesting. I am sorry you are going thru this, btw.</p>
<p>I think the posters are correct when they say you need to steer your dd to go to this college and also make a plan for the BF. To do otherwise will be folly for her.</p>
<p>I had a friend in college same thing, parents made her do 1 year. She left and got married. So I guess it doesn’t always work but it is worth a try.</p>
<p>Do you think that they are sexually active? </p>
<p>I know that you said “he’s a nice boy” but even “nice boys” have sex drives.</p>
<p>(omigod - I just had a thought - Would he try to get her pregnant to get her to stay?)</p>
<p>One more thought. At this time of year with the balance of the decisions coming in, there is a lot of heightened emotion among the seniors. After all their efforts, and waiting, for most the process is over. They start to think in terms of their childhood also ending… leaving what they know… heading out into a big question mark. Even the kids who are happy with their plans reflect on their high school experience and the people and places they are saying goodbye to. It’s a prime time of year for confused thinking and irrational behavior. It’s not surprising that in the face of the unknown, a kid would weigh whether starting a new life on campus is worth a major relationship change with a hometown BF. Parents would recognize this as short-term thinking but to an 18 year old who is not familiar with the larger picture, it’s not always a clear decision, especially if a kid thinks in romantic rather than practical terms. </p>
<p>She may also feel guilty leaving him behind and not willing to face the fact that for a variety of reasons, she has more doors open to her right now. The longer the BF drifts, the harder it will be for him to re-engage in a structured academic setting. Sounds like he could use some good direction.</p>
<p>Got interrupted, sorry. There’s a good chance that the BF and his parents will opt out of the graduation party unless they feel very connected to DD and confident. It’s appropriate that they were invited and a phone call echoing the invitation would be a good thing to do. It’s the sort of setting where every kid is being asked about their plans, and to have no plans or not know what one’s next move is … well, it’s awkward. It doesn’t have to be, but it could well be if the non-college-bound guest has any concerns about their present employment situation or ambitions. I hope they all come to the party.</p>
<p>Seems to be a lot of emphasis on the character of the BF - not ambitious, etc. First of all – if the genders were reversed, would lack of ambition be an issue? But, more to the point, the fact that BF is a bit of a dead beat is really beside the point. Even if he were pre-med material, kids should not base their college choices on HS romances. My daughter is struggling with this now - with a BF we adore. If he’s the one she ends up with, we would be completely OK with it. DD is torn up about the possibility that distance might cause them to split, but she knows it’s a mistake to follow him to college.</p>
<p>This thread has just reminded me why there was a time when a man had to prove himself worthy to “court” a woman. Just being “nice” or “funny” was never enough. Since it was widely understood that the purpose of courting/dating was to find a spouse – therefore you didn’t waste time on someone you would never marry. For a man to “get his foot in the door”, he had to demonstate his “intentions” and his “qualifications”. This practice was used to avoid DD’s from getting their hearts attached to “undesirables” (unstable, lazy, etc. men). </p>
<p>This may seem a bit sexist, but women are “wired” to develop feelings for men who are “nice to them” and “care about them”. (In an appropriate way – not some kind of stalking way.)</p>
<p>Maybe today’s parents need to encourage the practice of “courting” again. Some of us seem to have forgotten that dating is ultimately about finding mates (which is what OP’s D seems to think that she has done) and when we think dating is just “casual” we end up with kids wanting to marry someone inappropriate because that relationship began as something casual.</p>
<p>All great points! Wow. jlauer95, having been a young man myself once I am certainly aware of the possibilities that hormones create. The prospects are freightening. </p>
<p>Snorky, I have mentioned more than once that I don’t see this as the BF’s fault. He must make his life choices and whether he is “off track” etc is for his parents to address. Frankly, I am more concerned about my DD and why she is suddenly so well…stupid. </p>
<p>Regarding the gender of the two being reversed, I’d like to think that I would be equally frustrated if I had a son wanting to throw away an opportunity for a girl. Either way it’s not being prudent.</p>
<p>When I was my DD’s age I believed I was all grown up and didn’t want my parents making decisions about who I dated etc. Now that I am on the other side of that equation, I think it makes sense to a degree. We should not select our children’s spouses (especially if they are truly independent–degree in hand etc.) however, we do need to “protect” our daughters not from the men, but from themselves!</p>
<p>If I’m understanding this right and she actually has an OBLIGATION (due to ED) to attend this uni then both the bf and parents are jerks to try to dissuade her from doing so. If they really cared about her they would try to accomdate her dreams as much as possible.</p>
<p>I’m a kid myself but if I ever did something this stupid I would definetly hope the ‘mom card’ would have been pulled on me. Pack her up in a box and ship her out there if you have to! You’re her parents, not her friends and sometimes that means being mean (no pun intended:P) to get the job done</p>
<p>Honestly, I would smack that bf so far out of the country…</p>
<p>Gardner,
I would rather be messaging you but you have it turned off.
Here is a different perspective on this…</p>
<p>Your daughter has a chronic, significant medical condition. It is wholely typical for parents in this situation to have, to one extent or another, treated their child as fragile in the context of a lifetime of worry. As you note, you had not raised your child to be independent at 18, you feel she is not ready, she probably isn’t.</p>
<p>In anticipation of her move to college you have probably pulled back a bit, given her more room and a chance to be a bit more independent so that her learning curve puts her in a safe place for September. In turn, she has responded by, possibly for the first time, being a slightly defiant kid…asserting herself. </p>
<p>AS you note, your religious leader may not be an ally at the moment, but your pediatrician might be. If there is a doctor with whom she has a very close allegiance, it is the time to schedule a visit to talk about ‘what is next’ because regardless of where she goes next, she will need to be more medically independent. A prior discussion between you and the doctor might allow the doctor to address the broad scope of issues confronting teens with chronic medical conditions- of which, wanting to not ‘miss out on anything’ is just one. Undoubtedly, the doctor will feel thrilled for her opportunities as you are, and will convey the genuine satisfaction that doctors get in watching their long time patients move on to new challenges in life…</p>
<p>I think there is risk in pushing too hard, but remember, she is a smart cookie and probably wants what is best for her, too!! She is just seeing it through different eyes at the moment. </p>
<p>If you want to discuss more, please PM me.</p>