DD flushing winning lottery ticket down toilet!

Parents Forum
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<p>Gardener: I sympathize. This past fall I went through a huge drama with my college junior DD over the BF she left back home, 1,000 miles away. He was a summer romance, much older, no college, a slacker who still lives at home with Mom! My DD is very bright, ambitious, grad school plans, extremely hard worker, great grades, etc. </p>

<p>Advice: I tried to keep a calm profile. Don’t make this into Romeo and Juliet. Get her a cell phone plan with unlimited evening and weekend minutes. Tell her she can come home for a weekend in fall and spring plus vacations. I wouldn’t pay to fly the guy to college though. But then…loser BF did go to visit DD at her college, stayed a week with an eye toward moving there, but then returned home. That was the beginning of the end…</p>

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<p>As one who has a kid with a chronic illness, I send you lots of love and sympathy. I think the move away can be harder for kids who are dealing with illness, even if they appear to be pretty tough. The guy may be the “excuse” not to go so far. Of course, I am just guessing, and your daughter may not be doing this at all, but if so, it might help you in dealing with the issue at hand.</p>

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<p>Kat, yes you understood correctly. They started dating in November, she was accepted ED in December and they have now been dating four months. (Let me tell you it feels like longer!). She is very busy but as you know kids get very close very quickly. They spent a lot of time together over Christmas (his job is with the school district so they were both off a whole month). The fact that it happened so quickly is further evidence that it has more to do with her and perhaps her fears than it does with the relationship itself. Agreed?</p>

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<p>Peer pressure is your biggest asset here, so you need to put this lad around her academic cohorts and friends. If it is possible, host social gatherings which include him and her college bound friends. I agree that you should offer to subsidize a visit he would make there, transportation only, half way to Thanksgiving, so she can see how he fits into her new world. Having delivered her there yourselves, you can entreat her to show him this, meet so-and-so, etc. Have you had conversations with any of her girlfriends about this? Is there a sibling who has her trust? </p>

<p>A number of years ago our daughter desperately wanted to invite a summer “friend” to our home for a week. We agreed, and we were delightful, friendly, warm, hospitable, jolly, even though he had shown up barefoot with multiple earrings (much less common then than now). She sent him on his way the second day, having seen how he did not fit into her world. We were the ones telling her he had come all that way, she had to be nice, etc. So, keep reminding her how much she likes the family life she has, and what she would lose if he was her whole world. </p>

<p>Knowing the hormonal prioritizing of the young, there is not doubt you are for real and the situation really is as described. Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Bookiemom, thanks for the kind words. I’m glad to hear things eventually worked out for your DD (did I understand that correctly?) My DD does have a cell with unlimited but her BF does not. Generally, he is the limiting factor. When I suggested he could drive to see her at some point she accused me of “just not understanding”. She said his check engine light comes on if he goes over 50mph. As adults we know her entire life will be one big check engine light if she doesn’t take advantage of this great opportunity. She thinks I am out of touch with those who don’t “have money”. What she seems to forget is that her mother and I married very young, didn’t go to college, and have worked four and five jobs at a time to get where we are. We know a thing or two about doing it the hard way! That’s why we want so much more for her. </p>

<p>momofthree, yeah, the chronic illness is perhaps more a factor than she lets on. She claims it is a non-issue (and most of the time she is right). But she clearly doesn’t have a grasp of the more boring but urgent matters that go with it such as insurance, meds, etc. We have tried to help her understand but she thinks she’s bullet proof.</p>

<p>As we tell her, “Sure, it’s easy to walk a tightrope stretched out across the floor! How do you think you’ll do if we lift it up a few feet? How about fifty feet?”</p>

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<p>lorelei2702, Great suggestion! She does seem to keep her two worlds (school friends, etc. and the BF) very separate. I had been thinking that we had to wait until she was at college to highlight the differences. But we can try to do that right now. She has been very resistant to including him in family get togethers claiming we “ignore him” (not true). She says he feels uncomfortable around us (and blames us for that!). She even didn’t want to include him and his family in her graduation party! I insisted they be on the list.</p>

<p>Any suggestions how to mix the BF and her other world when she is doing her best to keep them separate?</p>

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<p>Gardener, tough one! What is it about teens that make them suddenly unable to think clearly and see what is so obvious to everyone else.</p>

<p>I also have a DD with a chronic although well controlled health issue who prefers to keep it a secret. </p>

<p>I think there have been many great suggestions here so I have nothing constructive to add but my well wishes. Let us know how it goes!</p>

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<p>Thanks HoyaMom. I will.</p>

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<p>gardener:</p>

<p>My positive thoughts go out to you. You’ve received great suggestions, so I don’t have much more to say. Have you considered having her make a list of pros and cons about the school? Maybe she can start to see things in black and white. Hormone rage at this age can be quite a problem to be sure. However, it sounds like she wants to isolate him from her friends and one has to wonder why? If he can’t afford to go to the prom, how will he able to take care of her down the road? Keep us posted. Wishing you the best!</p>

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<p>Thanks hsmom! All the kind words are appreciated.</p>

<p>Regarding your question about why she wants to keep him isolated from her friends, that seems apparent to me…she’s embarrassed of him.</p>

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<p>Gardener, I went through almost the same thing about two years ago - thought my brain was going to come loose of its hinges. Almost same scenario, although, D was thankfully already in college. The boyfriend was from our home town. The worst part was that his family was doing everything in their power to encourage and support the relationship, in every possible way. The father was doing everything he could to even push marriage, which as you might imagine horrified me. D said all along she wasn’t serious about him, but, he called her 20 times a day, monopolized all of her time when she was home on breaks, etc. </p>

<p>What finally leveraged the break-up was when the boyfriend traveled to D’s campus, spent some time in “her” crowd, and I - don’t know for absolute certainty but strongly suspect - peer pressure from her college friends and teammates wrecked it. D out of the blue, suddenly, broke up with the boyfriend, and has repeated such an unfortunate choice since. (It was a surprise because I have genuinely liked all of her other dates.)</p>

<p>Therefore, I would recommend you offer to pay to transport the boyfriend to your D’s college, wherever she decides to matriculate. This way, she can look forward to seeing him, and, I would guess that once she sees him in her new environment, she will quickly recognize the disconnect, and she will lose interest in continuing the relationship.</p>

<p>If you stand in the way, or restrict their access, or even just appear to be restricting their access, it’s just going to polarize her more solidly in his defense - and potentially even prolong the relationship - , so, I’d say, get out of the way, offer to pay for a visit or two, and surely once she has an opportunity to really, really see how he fits into her “world” the matter will quickly resolve itself.</p>

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<p>Oh, Gardner, I was reading the thread backwards and just saw your thread about your concern that if you pay for a visit, the desired mixing won’t happen because they’ll spend all of their time off campus and the boyfriend won’t end up meeting her friends. </p>

<p>I don’t think that will happen - I think it will be too hard operationally to pull off. She will not be able to keep him away from everyone - just won’t work.</p>

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<p>If he has some special interest or hobby, you might build a group experience around it, for instance, if he likes baseball, arrange a group outing to a game, a special kind of cuisine, arrange a group meal at a Mexican/Indian/Chinese restaurant. Buy him books or magazines about whatever his topic might be, read it ahead of time, when he comes by, quiz him about his opinion about this or that. If he has other friends, use them and their interests. </p>

<p>If you can treat him the way you would any other friend your daughter might have, in terms of getting to know him and interact with him, your genuine interest in him will break barriers. She will see him reacting to you, if you are on your best and most charming behavior. </p>

<p>THe other approach is for your family to invite his family, and perhaps another family or two of her friends, to a meal, dessert, holiday observance, something…or to celebrate after something…maybe after award program, concert, play, whatever your daughter and her school friends have done. </p>

<p>FIngers and toes are crossed. Lorelei</p>

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<p>On the old CC forum, gardener had (in 2004) several posts about D1. If it’s a prank, it’s an elaborate one several years in the making…</p>

<p>Sounds legitimate to me.</p>

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<p>the “parents weekend” is a good idea. That may be your “moon” to her. And if he/she insists that it wouldn’t be a good idea (“won’t fit in”), remind your DD that that is what life will ALWAYS be like if she marries a person who “doesn’t fit it.” She’ll be married to someone who won’t go to office parties, office picnics, dinners with co-workers, etc.</p>

<p>By the way, how did she meet him?</p>

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<p>No real advice to give but just a similiar story…One of the top students in S’s class last year applied and was accepted to well thought of (even on CC) university. In the spring of Senior year, she starts dating a Junior boy and fall madly in love. She cries the whole week before leaving for college. Declares that she hates it after 2 weeks. Comes home to see the BF at every chance. Parents make her stay until end of semester but she refuses to return after that. Applies as a transfer to the school the BF is planning to attend. </p>

<p>Now, after all this the parents of the BF become very concerned that this thing has become too ultra serious and makes the BF break it off.
So now smart girl has given up her great school and come home and it didn’t work out.</p>

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<p>How can you make someone break up?</p>

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<p>My hunch is that financial blackmail and/or bribery works better with some kids than others…bf may have felt more financially dependent, hence his heeding of the parental dictums. It helps (or hinders, depending upon your point of view) if they really value their creature comforts and the good life, and they perceive what it will take, now and in the future, to maintain it.</p>

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<p><<<< At this point it’s the ED top tier school or no school at all. ED is binding >>></p>

<p>OK… Now I see that she went ED and, of course, it is binding - can’t go elsewhere. That actually speaks volumes… Since surely her boyfriend & probably his family know that for her to keep her insurance, she must go to her ED school, THEY ARE BEING selfish for even suggesting that she not go because if would leave her w/o insurance. </p>

<p>Certainly BF and his family are in no position to pay “out of pocket” medical expenses for her. So what is THEIR rationale for her to give up her insurance and STAY??? Are they not aware of the ED situation and the insurance ramifications — or do they just not really care --and are they are just more interested in her not getting that “fancy education”</p>

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<p>I have a ■■■■■ voice theory, digs…gardener, are you a naturalized citizen from another country?</p>

<p>so…re: driver aka part-time ■■■■■…how many other parent posters take the time to ■■■■■? Am I the only one who finds that off-putting?</p>