<p>Cheers, I am not a ■■■■■. I guess I don’t get how anyone would think this was meant as a joke…what’s funny about it?</p>
<p>Cheers, we actually had considered sending him for a visit hoping for the “pale by comparison” route. But we think she would just spend all her time with him off campus and not introduce him to her friends, etc. there. What about taking him up at Parent’s Weekend so he’d have to hang out on campus with us? Bad idea?</p>
<p>C’mon kid,
It was pretty funny, a rainy day in the east, you got three pages out of it, and it wasn’t cruel like some of the other pranks are. Go have dinner with your friends, and if you’ve been drinking, don’t drive. :)</p>
<p>Oh gardner, BEEN THERE.</p>
<p>Another tack: Tell her that if she goes to this great school, it will be cake to transfer back home later (if desired) whereas if she goes to the lesser school, might not be so easy to go OOS later. Tell her that you want her to make her important decisions from a postition of strength (this is right for me!) not weakness (I am afraid of X,Y,Z.) </p>
<p>Finally, I think you have a trump card regarding the medical insurance requiring her to stay in school.</p>
<p>FWIW I would say, ABSOLUTELY, we will help him visit you-- if that will get her to pick the out of state school!! </p>
<p>Last thought: can you point out that, if he is unambitious and they are to stay together <em>forever</em>, she will probably need to be the primary earner-- requiring best education possible?</p>
<p>I can really empathize with this dilemma. My D’s boyfriend crisis was in the fall of Sr year; luckily they broke up before it caused too much damage to college plans.</p>
<p>I’m not seeing the ■■■■■ angle at all here.</p>
<p>I’d go ahead and send in the deposit and paperwork. She may see the light for herself before the summer is out.</p>
<p>P.T Barnum was right. Carry on, Gardener. Absolutely, take him with you to parents’ weekend.</p>
<p>I don’t get </p>
<p>hmmmm. Does gard sound like a 40 something year old man? driver, how did you spot this?</p>
<p>SBmom, thanks for your imput. We had considered pointing out that SOMEONE will need to have a good job and it sure won’t be him but thought better of it. She’d consider it an attack on him and that would only burn bridges with her. Sorry to hear your D had a BF crisis but glad to hear it all worked out in the end. I do think that JeepMom had it right. The timing of this may not be entirely coincidental. Fear may be at work.</p>
<p>MomOFour, thanks for defending me against the ■■■■■ accusation. We did send the deposit quite some time ago since she was ED. At this point it’s the ED top tier school or no school at all. ED is binding and we will insist she keep that commitment.</p>
<p>You guys are the best!</p>
<p>gardener, as others have mentioned, the fear motive is probably the underlying cause of this behavior. The anger blowups sound like the anger that most people feel when they are in denial about a truth that they don’t want to face. It is clear from her protective feelings towards him that she knows he is not in her league, but she feels affection and loyalty, so clings even tighter to the familiar.</p>
<p>I have another idea - neither “Tough Love” (as in 'do it or you’re out, working minimum wage and putting yourself through college later, if you ever go) nor counting on a rational discussion pro and con (she doesn’t sound very rational at this time). </p>
<p>How about a compromise deal, advancing the idea of a trail run? Approached not from the issue of the boyfriend (leave him out of it as much as possible) but only from the perspective of what a wonderful opportunity this is, and that you love her and want the very best for her. What about this:</p>
<p>She goes for one year and promises to give it her very best shot - study, make friends, get involved in everything - a full-hearted effort. </p>
<p>She sees boyfriend at breaks, like every other student with an existing BF/GF does.</p>
<p>If, at the end of the academic year, she is not happy with her college experience, you allow her to transfer to an in-state or nearby school.</p>
<p>A limited-time engagement offer. She may be able to face separation and the brand new experience if her current fearful streak (the irrational part) can be soothed by the belief “It is only for one year.” If you are truly willing to allow her to change if she hates it there, she may go for it without a fight. You should emphasize that her being a full-time student is non-negotiable because of the health insurance.</p>
<p>Then wait for the college to do the rest!</p>
<p>Cheers,
I will confess to having done a little ■■■■■■■■ in my time. Just for fish, of course. Gard sounds like a college boy, to my ear. Probably writes for the school paper. Just having a little fun on a rainy Saturday, I expect.</p>
<p>Yulsie, yeah, Tough Love nor being rational is going to work. I was leaning towards “promise her the moon” but that could certainly be a second option after the trial run idea. How does one know if she is giving it a full-hearted effort though?</p>
<p>NOTE TO MODERATORS: Listen, I come here for some give and take and advice from other parents. Must I be accused of being a prankster? Isn’t there is some way you can verify my identity and put a stop to these clowns?</p>
<p>Driver, I would say it takes ■■■■■ to know one, but I think your professional instincts are in this case wrong. But if it gives you your jollies to attack folks (and I can’t see for the life of me what’s over the top about this thread, but that of course will give you something else to giggle about), then whatever. Politics are getting boring over in the cafe, you needed to come over here to find someone to pick on, I guess.</p>
<p>Thank you garland. I appreciate your support.</p>
<p>Gardener,
I’d like to pursue the parents’ weekend scenario with you a little further. I think it’s a good idea. Without getting so specific as to reveal your DD2’s college can you give us some idea of a city or town? I think the choice of restaurants and hotel would be key. And Garland will obviously be helpful, as always.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>A year can be a long time for some people…</p>
<p>Especially for a teenager! She recently said to me, “Dad, how would you feel being away from Mom that long?”</p>
<p>Yeah. Who knows. If a year is long to her and she does go if she feels she has no choice but to, she may flunk out on purpose or something.</p>
<p>Well I am not a parent but I want to give my take on this situation.
First whatever u do don’t talk bad about the BF because she will get defensive and it will work against you. Like someone above said try to leave the BF out of this issue even tho he is the cause of it. I wouldn’t approach tough love because I know it never worked for me. I was only getting more stubborn! Be nice, give her the moon so she will attend college this year and things will work out by themselves. Even though I feel it’s not fair that she/he is asking you to pay for his visits I guess it’s the best you can do till she opens her eyes herself.<br>
Tell her she has the rest of her life ahead to be with this boy if she wants to so college years compared to that are nothing ;)</p>
<p>So correct me if I’m wrong, the high school relationship that is threatening to derail college is how old? You mentioned at ED acceptance it was about a month old, so now we are speaking of a 4 month relationship?</p>
<p>I could see the seriousness and the impact of such of a long-term high school relationship if we were talking about years, but 4 months? Wow. How did it get so intense so fast? Between senior year activities, course work, homework, ECs, AP exams and test and college apps AND a part-time job how did she have the TIME to develop such a serious relationship not only with the boyfriend but with his family?</p>
<p>Have five kiddos myself, DS the senior is #4, there isn’t enough time in the day and night to be able to do that. He has to work at keeping his social life going between school, homework, practice, ECs, work and home stuff (family responsibilities). </p>
<p>As graduation nears your DD’s sense of self and the future could very well change.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>elisa, thanks for your comments.</p>
<p>Believe it or not I don’t see the BF as the “cause of it”. She chose him and there is a reason for that choice.</p>
<p>You are right, if we ever say anything negative about him, she will just “dig in her heels deeper” to prove us wrong. She must come to her own conclusions.</p>
<p>Thanks again for your imput.</p>