DD wants to quit, change schools, change majors AGAIN

Parents Forum
161

Hugs to you, red eye.
It is a scary situation.

I agree with all the PP and with you: I’d never kick a child out of my home, ever - bar abusive and dangerous behaviour, of course, though while she is jerking you around and being unfair for sure, you are a looong way off that particular threshold. It’s a moms job to sometimes to take the pressure from a child that can’t take the pressure any more, take the blame because the child can’t handle it. And yes, she is still a child, those frontal lobes of hers clearly not having kicked in yet.

So, among the good news, is that you and H probably agree on the not kicking her out bit, and also on not insisting on the going back to school bit. Let her take responsibility for that choice (it is only a choice as long as you offer her your house to go back to). And I do think it should be her choice, it is her opportunity to throw away. She’s earned it. You say it was essentially a full ride, you have just given her spending money and she has earned the college credits during that time, and they won’t go away. She doesn’t owe it to you to go back, and she needs to figure out whether she owes it to herself.

I also think it is reasonable that while you will always offer shelter and food, you will not offer spending money or the use of a car with the exception of approved reasons, eg going to community college, looking for a job etc. You will not always agree with your H on what is reasonable on that front, but that’s okay. You Sholdnt think about it in behavioural terms any more, not like you have to constantly hold the whip, be the bad guy in this relationship, just offer to this kid what feels right to you to offer and refuse what feels right to you to refuse. Keep her safe and healthy. Whatever else she decides to do, she needs to own it.

And now on to the unresolved stuff, talking about healthy. There IS something going on here that you and H haven’t quite sussed out yet. Special needs sibling, all the pressure to succeed (internal or external, doesn’t matter) on her, star student in high school, star student in music, always wanted to do music, suddenly refuses music, wants journalism school, suddenly refuses journalism school, moves from one potential major to another, can’t find anything she likes, wants to do medical imaging, wants to drop out of school. And a history of depression.

Depression is a perfidious illness in that it makes you feel that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your life better, and that anything anyone wants of you is too hard and ultimately futile, anyway. Sometimes you just CANT take responsibility for anything. But there are a couple things that I firmly believe anyone with depression owes to their loved ones, which is if they offer to drag your ass to a doctor, you let your ass be dragged there, and if you are prescribed medication, you damn well take this medication every morning. The rest is up in the air.

I think in your case, that might be the one hill I’d be ready to die on - be dragged to a doctor, get the certificate for medical withdrawal and agree to go back on medication, if the doctor feels she should.

You might want to find a doctor who subscribes to the chronic disease model of depression - once you have had a major episode and a particular medication has worked for you, you don’t ever go off again, just keep on a low maintenance dose as long as you are feeling well, upping the dose if you feel another episode coming on. I believe there is solid research now that this approach leads to the best outcomes.

By the way, as long as you offer her a home, I think it is highly unlikely she’d take off to live with her boyfriend. Sounds like the boyfriend doesn’t have money and cars to throw around either, so don’t let that fear paralyse you.

All the best.

Oh, and I’d let the grades go. she hasn’t failed and has kept her scholarship so far. That should be enough for you. They are her grades, her responsibility. Focus on keeping the scholarship by getting that doctors note.

And even if she does lose the scholarship, so be it. She’s earned it, she gets to give it up. Her credits won’t go away, colleges won’t go away. If you can’t afford do to send her anywhere else, she will have to wait until she’s 24. Her choice. Not yours. Make her own it.

162

Your model of parenting is out of sync for a kid your daughter’s age. It is way too controlling and will backfire. In fact it already has. I am glad your husband suggested counseling because your anger and disappointment are palpable.

This daughter might have been happy majoring in music, who knows. I don’t know the internal or external factors involved in her not going that route and hope it wasn’t that it wasn’t “practical.”

Repair relationships and allow autonomy and things will work out better than if you inappropriately direct and control as much as you are outlining here.

As I said before, consistency is important but if it isn’t working change to another approach and be consistent with that.

Mental health treatment is important. You can force it if a person’s issues are a danger to self or others. Otherwise, you can’t. And you can’t force meds either. You can be a supportive force in someone’s life and hope they come to these things themselves and be immediately available to find the right provider and transportation and money for treatment, if asked.

163

Whatever you do, don’t voice your concerns about the long distance boyfriend to your DD. If you don’t have anything nice to say about the boyfriend, don’t say anything at all about him. Otherwise, it will just end up driving her to him faster and it will ramp up the resentment on your DD’s part.

You & your DH definitely need to be on the same page re: how to handle your DD. Go to counseling with your DH like he suggested. That’s a good first step.

164

Actually, I think the boyfriend may be helpful to you, OP. You said he was with the military stationed abroad? Well, I can pretty much guarantee that he doesn’t have the disrespect or immaturity issues your daughter is currently exhibiting, regardless of his age. He is undoubtedly working hard, and likely has better appreciation for the value of both money and educational opportunities than others. And depending upon his posting, it likely is not possible for dependents to join him, so I don’t think you need to worry that he would encourage that. He may be an ally for you.

165

If I were in your position, I’d expect my kid to get her attitude under control before I spent another dime on her education. Under no circumstances would she be able to ignore my presence and still be handed tens of thousands of dollars to attend a residential college. If that’s the way she was treating my spouse I’d be even more upset.

I agree counseling is a good idea. Your husband needs to get on board with fully coparenting. If he’s going to undermine you after you make joint decisions, it’s going to continue to have a detrimental affect on your relationship with your daughter. He gets to be the perennial good guy and you get to take the flack for trying to enforce the rules he had an equal part in setting. That’s unfair to you.

It’s okay for kids that age to not know what they want. I know several students who left residential college for a variety of reasons (uncertainty over major, severe mental illness, cost concerns, poor grades, physical illness…), and they all found their way. What they had in common was the gift of time. Their parents pulled them off the train and let them find their own path on their own timetable.

I think you need to decide what you want to do and under what conditions, independent of what either your husband and daughter want. Are you willing to continue to pay for school for her while she treats you the way she does? If so, how much are you willing to spend? Can she continue until she gets a degree? How many major/college changes are you willing to fund?

In your position, I’d take a step back and give everyone time to think. School will still be there next year. Working for a year will give your daughter time to figure out what she wants, and it sounds like it will help her learn to value the effort it takes to fund the things she wants. It sounds like the time would be helpful to you and your husband too. Counseling will help, but results won’t be immediate.

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I absolutely agree with @roycroftmom that the boyfriend could be a great ally. When he comes back, get to know him.

Your plan seems reasonable. I might add to focus on your own health first. When the plane is going down, you put on your own mask first. The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People helped me with finding balance in raising them because I was naturally a more “rush in and do it for them” person. There is a great chapter on the author parenting and how they changed their own approach and it made all the difference for them. Take a fitness or meditation class. Go to counseling for your own mental health. Focus on the positive in your life. Go on dates with your husband. Focus on special time with DD2. Have a girl’s weekend with friends. Take a new class. You’ve given everything for almost 20 years. Time for you.

DD1 is going to do what she is going to do. You are there if she needs you but no longer begging her to make good choices.

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Sounds like a good plan to start with. Glad that your DH initiated the counseling idea. Getting on the same page together is the first step.

Best of luck!

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@compmom she was encouraged, not discouraged from going into music. She had even chosen music for auditions. I originally came to college confidential to get information about applying to music schools and conservatories vs music departments within a University. It’s all she ever said she wanted to do until November of Senior year. (She had music set to go and didn’t play a fall sport in order to prepare. She knew faculty at two good NY schools who sent letters that spring asking why she hadn’t auditioned. We were amazed by that.) Those schools wouldn’t have been her first choice but have good music departments— one private and one SUNY.

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I wonder what happened. It seems kind of key to the mysteries you are describing!

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I am a successful adult, happy with a family and a career as a teacher. No one would believe that I went to 4 colleges
The first for 2 years, registers and went to another half way across the country, got scared and came home in a week. community college for a year, and then finished 2 years at a good state school. I didn’t even realize how my parents felt.

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If you truly never thought about how your parents felts,jjjoanne, it is likely that all of your options were highly affordable, due to either the relatively cheaper tuition prices decades ago or your parents’ wealth. That doesn’t seem to be the case for OP or her student.

172

It seems obvious that stopping her mess was a bad idea. I’d go for counseling, and contact the doctor who had prescribed the meds. They can’t share info with you, but there is nothing stopping you from sharing info with them. If you or your H get an opening to ask your D to see that doctor again, bring it up to her and offer to make the appointment.

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No two situations are the same but I’m going to share some details of my DD’s story because I think it is relevant.

DD had some anxiety in high school. Headed off to college 1000 miles away with a big scholarship. Really struggled emotionally, mentally in fall semester, sought help from campus services. They put her on medication just before end of semester in Dec. After returning in January she spiraled down quickly. The college suggested she take a medical leave for spring semester to get her meds stabilized and more intensive help. She was not happy about it but was in such bad shape that she didn’t fight it too hard.

Within one week of being home she was in a pretty uncooperative state. She was mad at us for “making” her come home. Within a month she stopped going to therapy and quit her meds (while lying about both) cold turkey.

Long story but let me just say that in retrospect the worse thing we did was trying to force her to go therapy and contribute to the household (with a long but not at all unreasonable list of chores). It forced us into an adversarial relationship. Instead of her addressing her issues it was much easier to just blame us for everything. Add in the fact that DH and I have differing parenting styles and we had a younger child who was going through a major, major issue of their own at the time and you can see why your story resonates with me.

I felt like we need to really use that semester break from school to get things straight for the future. I had all kinds of ideas and advice and plans. I could see all the problems brewing if she didn’t follow my advice. But the more I pushed the more it became her against me.

In the end the only thing that brought peace to our house was me backing off. I didn’t enable her. I did require her to not be rude to us. I watched her waste opportunities to take action to met her own stated goals and I bit my tongue.

She headed back to college this fall. And guess what? I was right. Everything I predicted came to pass. She called me more than once in tears to say, “if only I had listened to you.”

But it is okay. She had to go through that. Because I backed off completely in the final two months before she headed back to school I was able to preserve our relationship and she had to own her decisions and results completely. So when she fell down later she was willing to turn to me for advice and then listen.

It’s hard. It’s so hard. My heart goes out to you. There are no guarantees. There are no easy answers.

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"And guess what? I was right. Everything I predicted came to pass. She called me more than once in tears to say, “if only I had listened to you.”

Stomp me down if I’m wrong…but you were able to “see” the scenario as an outsider. Even your D in the midst of everything didn’t see the whole picture.

Listen to your heart.

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@mom23travelers

Thank you for sharing your story! Although our D is doing well academically, she is still battling her demons.

I have to bite my tongue and stay out of it, or I become the target.

It’s not easy! It feels counterintuitive.

176

I really have no idea why asking a grown adult family member to do some chores is such a big deal. Hasn’t contributing to the family just been a part of their life, teaching them important life skills, character development and contributing to a positive self worth?

It doesn’t sound like OP has forced anything at all. Sounds like the daughter has made her choices of school or not and major.

177

Hugs to OP- it’s a difficult thing to see a child flailing about and being disrespectful to boot. Our DD just came home on medical leave for anxiety- we feel she will probably be out a year while we stabilize her medications and (hopefully) encourage her to grow up a bit. She only has $50 of Christmas money left (out of $500) and we are not giving her money after that. She is expected to get at least a part-time job. She does not help out a home and when I ask her to do something, it invariably devolves into her procrastinating, my yelling and then my daughter accusing me of being mean. All to say- I can empathize with your situation. We are going to do family counseling and get her a life/ADHD coach and hope for the best.
One thing that does give me hope is that my best friend took 10 years to get through undergrad, attending myriad schools and changing her major frequently. She is now a nurse practitioner and doing great, so I keep reminding myself of that.

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It is off topic, but I really have to ask based on this thread…do the posters have a lot of paid home assistance or are the mothers treated like house slaves? We are just middle class, with a housekeeper who comes once a week and the same with the lawn service. Those other 6 days, there is plenty of laundry to be put away, dishwashers to be unloaded, etc etc to keep our household running. I do more than my fair share, but I never did it all-I was their mom, not their servant. Do you all have daily paid help with the chores, or are the moms just doing it all themselves? Do you expect your daughters to then assume that role for their own families?

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I think a topic like this can get pretty polarized. So, again, there are many ways to approach parenting and consistency may be the most important. That said, sometimes when kids are in trouble emotionally, expectations need to be more flexible and the kids may even be more difficult than usual.

I think mom23travelers point is the best, that preserving relationships is primary and in the end, the most helpful- however your family does that over time.

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I guess I don’t see preserving a cycle of mom-abuse as particularly worthwhile, but your mileage may vary. I hope these offspring don’t get from their own kids what they’ve been dishing out