Dealing with a difficult neighbor

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have a situation with a neighbor and would like some other wisdom (mainly from other moms…keep reading and you’ll understand)</p>

<p>I am going to give some detail as to help “paint the picture” so the advise can be tailored for this situation. We live in nice neighborhood and it used to be mainly retirement folks, but the town is moving from retirement community to young family type community. There is a pretty equal mix at this point and then there are a handful of us who bridge that, kids in college and some older school aged kiddos. </p>

<p>So when we moved here and the lady next door had a daughter the same age as our youngest child (now 10) The kids became fast friends more out of location, than commonality, but it worked and has been plugging along for 2 years although my daughter sees it as a take it or leave it situation at this point and has for about 6 months. When we moved in, I found it interesting that the neighbor, we’ll call her Diane, told my husband that I was “one of those kinds of moms.” I really didn’t understand what she meant by that, nor did he, because I am not Suzy PTA and I am truly a T-shirt and blue jean kind of mom, not pushing the fashion envelope like I would say the majority of moms in this area do. This mom is in a job that causes her to be focused on her appearance, she works long hours and dresses very well, so I have not idea if this is slam or just a judgement, but I really don’t care.</p>

<p>Fast forward to this year. My daughter is a cheerleader and pretty good tumbler but does not want to participate in the highly competitive land of high profile Texas cheerleading. She did however want to participate in the youth association program in our community and I was fine with that. She had a friend in her tumbling class, they signed up together, cross registered with each other and we were set. Two days before registration was to close Diane came over and asked me to call our assigned coach to see if her daughter could be on squad with my daughter. This was not the ideal situation for many reasons, but I am seriously laid back about these things and it was a “whatever” for me and I used it as a lesson in acceptance for my daughter (I think my daughter was looking forward to an activity that didn’t include this child, as it a relationship that is optional for my daughter but has become dependent for neighbor’s child) The only weird part about it was that when ever my daughter would give her cheer friend attention at practice, neighbor’s daughter would get all out of sorts.</p>

<p>I would not call Diane and I friends as much as I would call us neighbors that have always been friendly to each other. Because she works, I at times make sure her daughter has a snack after school, etc and that her homework gets done. Diane and I have polar opposite political views and although I would not say I am a radical by any means, I have participated in friendly debates with friends on issues during the election. Diane and I are friends on FB, yet we never participated in said debates. Fast forward to the second to last cheer practice of the season, a week before the election and Diane comes up to me in practice and literally out of no where starts yelling at me in regard to my political beliefs. There was another mom sitting by me and she gets up and basically asks her what her issue is. She yells that I think I am better than everyone else and she can’t stand it anymore. Goes on to tell me that my political beliefs are so beyond wrong that she does not understand how I can even live. She tells me she can’t stand what I say on FB, etc, so that night I tell my husband about it and he swears I had to provoke her. He calls the friend that was with me (my husband is friends with her husband) and she confirms that it literally came out of no where. He tells me to just de-friend her and let it settle down. About 5 minutes after the de-friend she sends me a text message that she has never been happier with a decision that someone else made (I didn’t answer) and then at 1:00 am that morning I get another message that she recommends I go get psych treatment. (again, I was irritated, but did not answer)</p>

<p>Friend from cheer practice says she is just high strung and probably does not understand how I take life on the “chill” side. (except college admissions…lol) Her daughter is a little on the “outside” of school social circles and my daughter (very unlike her older siblings) is very much the social butterfly. Cheer friend thinks this is the core of her issues.</p>

<p>Husband says a month has gone by and I need to try to reach out and be nice. I say no. Not my job. IMO, a toxic person has no place in my life. My husband will see her outside, but I will just go in if she comes out. Not in a dramatic fashion or anything, just removing myself from a situation I don’t want to be in.</p>

<p>Any words of CC wisdom?</p>

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<p>Sounds like she kind of lost it… but if I were you, I would see if I could re-establish at least a cordial speaking relationship, since she is a nearby neighbor. The election is over, and some of the feelings that were running high a month ago may be down to a simmer again. I would not avoid her, would speak about something superficial, and give it another go without giving her a real inside track to your life – don’t invite her into your house, for instance, or back into your FB friends list. And I sure wouldn’t take over a cake. It does sound like she has some jealousy issues, and maybe is under some stress if she is working long hours. Sometimes people in those situations don’t even realize how they come off.</p>

<p>So I guess I would take a wary shot at seeing if you can get back on cordial terms just because it is easier for your D and to live in your neighborhood if you can. Be the adult here, assume you will never get an apology, and re-establish diplomatic relations. :slight_smile: Your H is probably hinting that this is making his life more stressful, so if nothing else do it for him.</p>

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<p>I’m suddenly reminded of Wanda Holloway and Verna Heath. She sounds like someone I would stay as far away from as possible. It sounds like your daughter has perhaps outgrown her friendship with this woman’s daughter and I see no reason for y’all to continue with any type of relationship. I would probably still wave and say hello, but I wouldn’t be compelled to do anything beyond that.</p>

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<p>One of the hardest lessons that I learned once my daughter started school was how nutty some of the other parents were.They also were in almost any place - PTA, car pool, after school activities, etc. Once I find out someone is crazy, I stay as far away as I can. That does not guarantee that the crazy will not stalk you (this did happen one time to me).
Even if she is your neighbor, you are not obligated to be friendly if she is cracked, which it sounds like she is. Now I am a chilly northerner by nature and experience, although I did live in the south for grad school, and people exchanged more pleasantries that I was used to, so you may have to be a tad more pleasant that you might elsewhere if it is the style in your area. I agree that toxic people are to be avoided, so smile and nod if you must.</p>

<p>To give you an idea of one crazy in my past, when she tried to get a teacher fired for behavior she considered wrong, she (the mom not the teacher) showed how kooky she was, and evil - she really slandered the teacher. My kid was not friends with hers, but two or three years later, when they were in the same class, she cornered me after school “outraged” that my daughter did not invite her kid to a sleep over. Really? I wouldn’t have been responsible to watch any of her darlings for a minute. Who knows what outrageous behavior I would be accused of. If she came near me again, I would have gotten a restraining order.</p>

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<p>“She tells me she can’t stand what I say on FB, etc,” - Do you post a lot of politicaly charged status updates? Is that what she was referring to?</p>

<p>If it bothered her so much she should’ve just taken you off her friends instead fo having a public, and embarassing blow up. </p>

<p>Also, this just sounded strange to me, but why was your husbands inital reaction that you provoked the situation? Has something like this happened before?</p>

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<p>This woman sounds like a nut. It doesn’t matter what you were posting on facebook, she called you out in public. No. Not okay. </p>

<p>You are not obligated to offer any friendly overtures in my opinion and I think your husband is wrong in suggesting that you should. </p>

<p>She texted you at 1:00 in the morning to tell you to see a psych? That’s ironic. Who is sitting around at 1:00 in the morning obsessing about her beef with a neighbor. I’ll tell you who. Someone who needs to see a psychiatrist herself.</p>

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<p>Something very similar happened to me once, except that I was very, very close to this neighbor–and all of a sudden one day, she just blew-up–started calling me up in the middle of the night, making bizarre allegations,she became very paranoid and was accusing people of not liking her children, that they all thought that they were better than her, etc–turns out that she was bipolar and had gone off her meds. She had also been calling some of her old doctors from around the country and getting prescriptions for valium, and then going to different drug stores to get it–so she was on much higher doses than recommended. Anyway–she completely went over the deep end–and had to go to the hospital and start on different medications. During the manic phase, it is not uncommon for people to act this way. Apparantly, she had a whole history that none of us knew about and that she had always kept quiet. It was very sad.</p>

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<p>I have crazy next door neighbors; their children are all grown, and we have no reason to interact with them. Unfortunately, it is both of them, so I have managed to be pleasant to one and then the other will go off about something. So we pretty much just ignore them. Our neighborhood is not super social, so it doesn’t really stand out.</p>

<p>I will say that the last election brought out really strong emotions from the supporters of the party that I was not going to vote for. I normally love the people I work with, but most of them supported the other party and they were all worked up and angry and saying some pretty alarming things. I had no wish to engage them on this, so I kept my mouth shut. Smile and nod.</p>

<p>I personally would not go out of my way to appease someone that owes me an apology. I wouldn’t ignore them, but I’d have the absolute minimum to do with them that I could. </p>

<p>Also, my husband would not push me to be friendly to someone that treated me so poorly. Texting insults at 1AM? </p>

<p>Sorry, that’s more than a misunderstanding, and if there’s something I learned long ago, it’s that you can’t reason with crazy. You’re just setting yourself up for more abuse.</p>

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<p>I know, shouldn’t say this probably, but first thing that comes to mind – is she going through peri-menopause? On the plus side, she probably won’t be asking you for any favors again any time soon. Since she was never a close friend, you probably don’t need to do anything. And – I noticed that this was a VERY touchy election. Sounds like you were the target of pent up frustration over a few issues – the election, her fears about her daughter, and feelings of inferiority. It also sounds like she has tendency to type cast and judge, things to be wary of, esp. now that she has shown herself to be pretty intolerant of different viewpoints, and to get irrational about things. But I would do like what a couple of others have said. Say hello when you see her, continue to be civil, but leave it at that. You are wise not to respond to her comments about needing psych treatment. I hope it was just a one time occurrence, for your sake.</p>

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<p>I’d continue the way you are. No need to feed the craziness.</p>

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<p>I agree that you showed tremendous self restraint by not responding to her texts. I am POST menopausal and I have very little filter any more. I don’t think I could have restrained myself from responding.</p>

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<p>I think the OP mentioned this to demonstrate how absolutely bizarre the woman’s behavior was.</p>

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<p>FinanceGrad-</p>

<p>My husband asked if I provoked her because he knew we are very opposite politically and she had a few snarky words for him a few mornings before at the bus stop when my daughter and her daughter were talking about the school’s mock election. In his opinion, she was poking fun at our family for our beliefs and he felt her reaction to me was so vastly different, he felt that I must have jabbed at her verbally to cause such a crazy reaction. I was firm that I didn’t, as a matter of fact, I tend to be a pretty strong personality but that afternoon, I was very tired from a four hour drive that morning. (Driving is very fatiguing to me). So I was very mellow and probably a good thing under the circumstances. </p>

<p>And to the poster that commented about the restraint to not respond to her text messages, it has taken a great deal of self discipline to not lash my tongue. I am not one to always keep my opinion to myself.</p>

<p>And about FB. Very seldomly did I post political statuses. But I would participate in debates with other people. That day at practice I even said to her that this want personal to me and then she really went crazy and yelled, “YES IT IS PERSONAL”</p>

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<p>I’m on my mobile and can’t correct but the above should say “this was not personal”</p>

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<p>Your neighbor is nuts. I’d avoid any contact just like you are doing. Why invite crazy over for tea!</p>

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<p>When people show you who they are, believe them.
My advice is stay away.</p>

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<p>Nice one, boomer.</p>

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<p>“once bitten, twice shy” as the saying goes. Say hello (or not) and stay far away.</p>

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<p>It really should be up to you, not your husband. If you don’t want to reach out to her then that’s your choice (and, from this description, one I support).</p>

<p>Some people just have a few missing bolts. Some are nice, some are like this. Wishing you all the best.</p>

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<p>I’d only do the friendly nod if you see each other in the yard or on the street and call it good.</p>