<p>I can honestly say I’ve never been disappointed in my son. During his middle school years, he would do what was required, but would only push himself in areas of interest. My dear husband was always asking his teachers to “push” him and I told those same teachers not to. Poor teachers. I really believe that if a kid is allowed to develop intrinsic motivation, it is there for a lifetime.</p>
<p>When son hit HS and realized his grades would determine which colleges he could choose, he buckled down, without a word from anyone, and turned himself into one of the best gosh-darn students in his school. He has pursued only ECs he’s loved and has achieved wonderful things with them while having a ton of fun. Had he achieved less, I would love him exactly as much and be just as proud of him, because he’s a kind and caring young man.</p>
<p>The only time I’ve pushed him was when I thought he needed to get all his college apps done early. I finally realized I was wrong and backed off. He finished all 10 in time, did a beautiful job and is now 5 for 5 on acceptances. None of the Ivies sounded like a good fit, so he didn’t apply to any. I’m quite sure there will be no regrets when he chooses the lucky campus he will grace with his presence next year.</p>
<p>My son was home last week on spring break. It was just the two of us as Dad was away on business. Before he came home, I resolved not to do my usual, which is subtly (or perhaps not so subtly, LOL) pester him about his homework and his search for a summer job. I decided not to say a thing about those topics unless he asked me a direct question, and with some difficulty I think I succeeded. </p>
<p>Wonder of wonders, he did arrange for a couple part-time summer jobs and, after a few days spent in front of the television, roused himself to do some studying. I realized that, unlike his older sister, who would just tell me to STOP if I was pestering, son always appeared to accept my words, but then behaved passively aggressively, doing absolutely nothing, to “get back at me.” I am thinking this might have been a big factor in his recent underachievement.</p>
<p>My advice to this poster is to step back, give your son no reason to act out against you, and at the same time let your son get a good look at how things work in the real world. In our society, boys often mature slowly. I think with time you will begin to see some motivation.</p>
<p>bethievt, Congratulations on all your son’s acceptances. You all must be so happy and proud! </p>
<p>I just showed my 8th grade son your post (#41) and he said, “See, mom, don’t worry, this is what I’ve been saying all along. I’ll get serious next year when it starts counting!” </p>
<p>I have one “high-achieving” child, straight A’s since elementary school, reading at age 4, aces any standardized test, writes amazing essays, wants to change the world. The sort people post about on CC. </p>
<p>But I also have another child, “the artistic one”, who has never gotten straight A’s (or even straight B’s) in her life, refused to read until well into elementary school and still hates it, fails most of the tests she takes, can’t spell – and does lovely visual art of various sorts. As the younger child, she watched us start talking about college plans for her brother with some apprehension, eventually asking me things like “What if I wanted to go to community college?” or “Don’t you think that some people shouldn’t go to college?” </p>
<p>I got really freaked out by it initially, because I had always imagined both children going off to four years of college after high school. But I figured it was my job to work through it, not her job to adjust to my expectations. So I did research, and one night in a bookstore we found a book about the top art schools, and what it took to get into them. And we were both really surprised! She didn’t know there were undergraduate schools just for the fine arts, and I didn’t know how different their application process was. </p>
<p>So now, we’re both more relaxed. She doesn’t stress about the SAT any more, because the schools that interest her don’t look at it. I’m putting energy and modest money into focused high level art classes, to help her build her portofolio. She has really surprised me with how focused and clear she is about her future path – she has her high school summers mapped out, on real and realistic road to getting into one of the art schools while pursuing a dream of studying in Japan. She has a strong entrepeneurial streak and already has a side business making custom soft design pieces for friends. </p>
<p>I guess the point of this story is that, if we’re going to take the question seriously, the way I handled it was to change how I looked at the child, rather than expecting the child to change. My disappointment is my problem, not hers.</p>
<p>Your post should be printed out, framed and prominently displayed in many households. You are loving and nurturing “the one you’re with” instead of some fantasy child. And, in doing that, you’re helping her develop her unique and wonderful gifts. What kind of world would this be if our kids all went to HYP and became investment bankers/corporate lawyers??? We need those schools and professions and, just as much, we need Bard, Hampshire, Antioch, Sarah Lawrence, big state U and all of the other schools and professions/occupations.</p>
<p>Of course, there is disappointment of a different kind when a child makes choices which are self-destructive (substance abuse, …). That is a different issue entirely, where the disappointment is legitimate and the issue is how to help the child and to support the parent when the child just won’t take the help.</p>
<p>But when the disappointment is due to the child’s failure to go down the path of the parent’s choosing, who can put it better than TrinSF?</p>
<p>Knowing you, laserbrother, I’d guess that your idea of “bad” would be anyone else’s idea of “terrific”. Care to share the numbers that are getting you down?</p>
<p>I love TrinSF’s story…a child who is “disappointing” by conventional standards can still be a high achiever and “elite” by different standards that are by no means lower.</p>
<p>calmom. Looks like you don’t know me that well. </p>
<p>The numbers are really bad. Thinking her 8th grade score of 710 M and 670 V and her 222 PSAT, this SAT I is not where near that level. How could this happen? She said it may be because she did not erase some answers completely clean. </p>
<p>Now I start to worry about her NMF possibility with such a low SAT score.</p>
<p>I saved this post from October of 2004 in a Word document, but I don’t remember who posted it. Even if this thread was not started seriously, I think it’s worth reading the thoughts above.</p>
<p>These are actually pretty interesting from a kid’s point of view. </p>
<p>My father was actually really disappointed in me when I got into my school (it’s like a tier3 school) last year, I guess I really slacked off. The worse part of it is that he rubbed it in, saying how he did so much better in worse conditions, ect </p>
<p>I’m not too sure, but I think the fact that he told me that made me really really angry, so I just tried really hard these last two semesters, and transferring to U Mich next semester.</p>
<p>Next goal of mine? Beat him in wage within 2 years out of undergraduate. I like how while I love to learn, anger and well, competition drives me more.</p>
<p>I will be immensely undisappointed if she applies to at least a few colleges which are right for her instead of right for others, and if she does a careful job on her apps & gets them in on time. Beyond that, I have a very “let go” attitude. The scores I can’t control. Nor can I really force her to prep for those tests. I guess I feel kind of philosophical about the scores: to wit, the pressure for results & recognition has been so intense at her school that it has left her feeling she’s “not good enough,” comparatively. If she ends up at a college or U where the standard of excellence is less distorted, it may do wonders for her self-image & self-realization.</p>
<p>Even those tippy top kids can be disappointing. I had to let go of dreams of Intel scholarships for Mathson when he decided he couldn’t stand the guy who runs the science research program at our high school. I had to let go of dreams of a top place in his class when he decided not to hand in the last assignment in freshman English plummeting his grade. He’ll do amazing work in the subjects he’s interested in, but just enough for the A in most of his other classes. Most days I’m very happy he is who he is. I’m sort of proud of him for marching to his own drummer and daring to do what he wants instead of fulfilling a lot of expectations. He still achieved at a very high level. I agree that any disappointment is my problem. In the long run I think he’ll do well in life.</p>
<p>My D, whose main ECs are in the performing arts, has quit the drama club at school because she can’t stand the new director. It’s a shame, because she loves to do the plays, but she has refocused on several other arts and is doing great. I was so disappointed when she quit, though. I loved going to watch the plays and had a part in the parents’ association. Sometimes it’s hard to give up your hopes for them, but it’s not our school life or future. It’s theirs.</p>
<p>I love some of these posts. What troubles me as a parent, and makes it hard sometime to read these, is that I’m unconvinced that every kid has a wonderful, shining talent–a talent that may be hidden or dormant for a time, but one which will some day show through and amaze us. Maybe it’s political correctness or perhaps it’s an optimistic American view based on the concept that “all men are created equal”. For whatever reason, though, we are a people who are very, very uncomfortable with the possibility that some individuals have ten talents and some really have none to speak of. As a mom of a special needs child, this is something I encounter all the time. Almost 100% of my friends and acquaintances have stubbornly clung to the idiot savant theory. They all think that my D has to, just HAS to, have an awesome (though maybe hidden now) ability that I just don’t know about yet. They eagerly ask, “But is she really good at math? So many kids like her are whizzes with numbers.” “I’ll bet she’s really good at music, isn’t she? I saw a TV show about this autistic kid who was a piano prodigy.” or “Well, I’m sure she must be really good at something, kinda like how blind people develop extra-sensitive hearing.” I answer them graciously, but I’m honest. No, math is what she struggles with most, and no, I don’t think she’s a music prodigy. And no, I haven’t noticed a particular compensating strength.</p>
<p>She’s young and may yet prove me wrong, but it’s hard for me not to be disappointed at times. D’s always the worst performer on the team, the lowest in her class academically, and the kid that’s acting weird and getting shunned in social settings. I know there’s a special needs forum where I could post this too, but how do I stay hopeful about her future? She is sweet, but will that be enough in this crazy world?</p>
<p>PS–she’s not severely disabled and doesn’t look particularly different. In some ways, this is a disadvantage for someone with limitations because there’s no adjustment of people’s expectations like that which happens when they can see a child has Down’s syndrome or is crippled, or when they know there’s a biological cause for lower competence. There’s also no pity factor which would prevent teasing or which would motivate others to cut her a break. People aren’t real sympathetic with plain low IQ.</p>