<p>Like all of you, I’m supportive of my children. Like TrinSF’s kid, my S decided to not play the “admissions game”. He participated in the (few) activities that interested him at school. Took the classes that interested him. He applied to just a few target schools - no reaches. Wrote his app essays, but chose to not complete the additional information box. I knew these actions/inactions would not be helpful and advised accordingly, but he made his choices. He’s currently waitlisted at 3 schools out of 4, with one school pending. Unfortunate, but not necessarily unforeseen.</p>
<p>He’s a terrific, thoughtful, bright and talented kid. My expectations were always that he would make reasonable choices and then live with the results, good or bad. So, when the results came in, I sympathized (I do! I do!), empathized (a lot!), but I also ask “what have you learned from this?” Not to show that I was right, because “I told you so” IS NOT satisfying, but because this is a learning experience. In 4 years, these kids will graduate and will need to expose themselves again to either grad school or employment. It will be as arduous and for many, the stakes will be higher.</p>
<p>So, while I appreciate the wish to salve our kids’ wounds, I recognize that my efforts may be more effective in helping to bolster my son’s defenses by reflecting on what he can learn from this experience. Oh, and I think he’ll do terrifically well wherever he goes - no worries there.</p>
<p>laserbrother,
On your other thread, I suggested that you relax and not stress so much about these scores. That advice still holds. But, as a practical matter, if your daughter thinks her test was scored incorrectly because she did not completely erase some of her answers, she can request hand scoring of her answer sheet by the College Board to make sure this is not what happened. It is pretty routine and you can get information on the College Board website. Also, will she be able to get a copy of the test and her answers so she can review her mistakes to help prepare for the next time she takes it?</p>
<p>My younger stepbrother was a completely unmotivated HS student. Spent every weekend sleeping until noon and was a pothead. He was a bright kid, so my parents were a little disappointed in his lackadaisical behavior.</p>
<p>He surprised everyone by suddenly applying for and getting accepted into an ROTC program at U of Oregon. He did really well, afterwards served in the Marines for several years as an aviator, and has now worked as a pilot and trainer for United for over 10 years. He makes a great salary and loves his life.</p>
<p>I’d only be disappointed if my kid turned into a substance abuser or a terrible person. If being a mechanic or some non-college profession really made him/her happy and fulfilled, I’d be all for it.</p>
<p>GFG - I agree that the egalitarian philosophy in childrearing is lovely in principle, but flawed. Not every child has a shining talent, but every person has strengths. Finding and nurturing that strength, while shoring up the weaknesses, is what we can help our children do. </p>
<p>I also sympathize with your situation. Having a low performing child who has no visible disabilities is challenging. I know some of these children. I have faith that you will help your child nurture her strengths, find her passions, shore up the weaknesses and learn to be resilient. In the process, you will help to create a productive, lovely, contributing member of society. Just keep her moving along the right path…</p>
<p>Thanks premature_gray for the encouraging response. So far I’ve found that honesty is the best policy as far as shoring up the weaknesses. I don’t lie to her about herself but instead tell her she’s a little behind and so has to work very hard to succeed.</p>
<p>GFG, is your daughter a people person? I have found that special needs kids aren’t going to excite the world with their academics, but they do add a kindness to the world.</p>
<p>You tell your special needs kid that she is behind?</p>
<p>Yes, I tell her that she’s behind because she is and that has consequences. It explains why she has to go to summer school and her siblings don’t, why she can’t attend Brownie camp like the other girls since it is held during summer school, why she has to do extra math problems after her assigned homework is done, and why she has to go to the resource room, etc. I tell her it’s not her fault that she’s behind, but it does mean she has to work hard every day to catch up.</p>
<p>Remember that study that showed that criminals have an average higher self-esteem than the general population? Baseless self-esteem is silly and even dangerous. Furthermore, knowing the truth already is a good defense for when mean kids decide to inform her of it themselves. I don’t think we do our kids any favors by pretending they’re something they’re not. If you don’t admit the weakness, then you probably aren’t addressing it either. Believe me, I see plenty of that problem in the special ed. community. Do you know how many parents of low functioning kids will swear to you their child is actually really smart? The denial is scary.</p>
<p>Consider also the recent research that indicated that certain types of praise are actually detrimental to children’s achievement and risk-taking. The key is to praise effort and avoid gratuitous praise. Eventually kids figure out that you’re lying to them, and then they distrust every compliment.</p>
<p>And lastly, dstark, I know you mean well but you’re doing exactly what I’m talking about. You’re feeling uncomfortable with this so you’re searching for that elusive gift she might have. Some special needs kids may add kindness, but some are violent, mean, messy, and annoying.</p>
<p>My daughter is pretty good with people in that she’s friendly and enjoys them, but she is socially backward, misses cues, can’t carry on a conversation more than a few seconds, and has a hard time making friends with kids her age. Sometimes she is annoying, sometimes she’s babyish, and sometimes she says embarrassing things.</p>
<p>GFG, I have a special needs kid with a low IQ. I’m not looking for an elusive gift. I treat my special needs kid the same as my gifted kids, but my expectations are different. I would never say she is behind. I would never expect her to partake in similar activites as the other kids. I don’t compare her to my other kids. I don’t expect her to work her way out of this. I’m hoping that she can enjoy her life in her way.</p>
<p>Right now, she is 15 and has very high self esteem. She thinks she is smarter than her gifted brother. I would never tell her otherwise. </p>
<p>I also don’t have behavior issues with her, which is a big plus.</p>
<p>We go to the neighborhood Safeway. They employ many people like her. It’s like a club. When these employees see her, they greet her warmly.</p>
<p>If I lose my car keys or my cell phone, my special needs kid is more likely to know where it is than my other kids. </p>
<p>I hope you have your special need kid involved in Special Olympics or other activites like this.</p>
<p>It’s a life changer for my kid.</p>
<p>I understand it is very difficult to raise a special needs kid. It’s the most difficult thing in my life. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea what happens when my wife and I are dead.</p>
<p>How old is your daughter? It sounds like she is still quite young. </p>
<p>My cousin’s special needs daughter (age 25) is an aid for autistic children in the public school system of a large city. She has endless patience with the children she assists and is very good at her job. Her parents searched very hard to help her find opportunities which would be right for her. She had to take her written driving test many times before she passed and she also had to take the test for her special needs aid position many times before she passed. (She was only able to work as a substitute before passing the exam.) My other cousin (her aunt) told me that she has never seen anyone as hard working and determined as this young lady.</p>
<p>In addition, this young lady has a twin sister who is an excellent student, Phi Beta Kappa, and is now in graduate school. Their family focused on the strengths of each of the two girls and never compared, which must have been especially difficult considering they are both girls of the same age. The two girls are very close to each other.</p>
<p>I hope things work out as happily in your family.</p>
<p>Yes, being hardworking is a life-saver for children like this. That young lady had to have determination to take the tests multiple times. That persistence is what I’m trying to build in my D. Part of that process is not hiding the fact that she can expect to have to do work harder than others to achieve the same result. But each child is different. I don’t think I’d take the same approach with a more severely handicapped child for whom the limitations were greater and for whom hard work would be unlikely to make a significant difference in the end result. An ignorance is bliss philosophy might be better for a child like that.</p>