<p>My parents are in the middle of a messy divorce. It’s getting messier because my dad is being his usual pig-headed self. He is in a bit of a spot, though nothing unreasonable given his past actions. Needless to say, I am completely on my mother’s side, because I have seen her suffer for the past two decades. Now that she has finally moved out as unobtrusively as she possibly could have given the circumstance, my dad’s playing the martyr card. He has been sending me emails that do nothing but dredge up the past and accuse my mother and myself of being ungrateful. He has been touting how he has been a great father and husband, but all things considered, I think he has done the bare minimum to qualify to be called a husband and a father. For instance, he claims how he has provided for the family as a great sacrifice on his part; he has a bad temper and is very contentious and disparaging so he has never been happy with his colleagues at work but yet he kept at it for “our sake”. He also keeps saying how he has struggled to put me through the best schools. The most that he has done has been to talk to the headmasters of two elite high schools when I had to change schools because his job made us move.I’ve tried to be as considerate as possible: My high schools were made very affordable, I turned down a bunch of Ivies to go to a cheap, albeit great public school on a full ride, and now I am at a prestigious grad school on a full tuition scholarship. I will have barely any debt when I graduate. Of course, I haven’t been a model son. And, he has contributed to my upbringing but forcing credit and thanks from me, makes me want to acknowledge his input even less.</p>
<p>He keeps harping on how he has been a great parent but honestly he gets a C+ in my books. Now he is asking me to do things and act in a manner that condones everything that has landed him in this jam. While I understand that it is my duty to defuse the situation I want to put my foot down and not let things slide, yet again. His friends have been calling me to make suggestions and have even insinuated that I am a bad son who is not giving back to his father (obviously they aren’t aware of the entire picture). Given my dad’s utter lack of remorse, I have picked up the cudgels on my mom’s behalf (who is overwhelmed and very shaken). I do not wish him ill-will but I do wish that justice take its own course. I can rationalize all I want but I can’t help feel confused , angry and even feel guilty at times.</p>
<p>Sigh.</p>
<p>p.s.- There is no financial dispute since my mom is not claiming anything.</p>
<p>FVirile, you could be talking about my ex-H. Not sure you really want/need advice, but here is some:</p>
<ul>
<li>Don’t let your dad’s friends engage on this at all. If they try, tell them that this is something between you and your parents, and not their business.</li>
<li>Honestly, the odds of your dad gaining some introspection and recognizing that he has caused many of his own issues are just about zero. Don’t count on it. You are probably wasting your breath trying. The best thing you can do is learn from his mistakes and try to be a better father and husband when your turn comes.</li>
<li>That said, while there are things you know that your dad’s friends don’t know, there are likely things in your parents’ marriage or their past that you don’t know. For that reason, you need to do your best to stay out of the middle of this. Support your mom (visit, call, help around the house, etc.). If you can continue to engage with your dad, do it, but tell him you aren’t going to be a go-between with your mom. You may be best off just saying you want to spend time with him, but the divorce/your mom are off limits topics. Then stick to it.<br></li>
<li>If he is trying to bring a new “friend” into your life (reading between the lines here, maybe a “friend” that contributed to the divorce?), I’d suggest you do what my kids have done. They are polite and respectful. They do not feel obligated to be any more than that. They have requested that at least some of the time with their dad (some vacations, some time in town) be spent without her. Not all, but some. If he wanted something more than they wanted to give - - eg, if he decides to marry her and wants them “in the wedding”, I suspect they will politely decline to participate in any way in the ceremony, but will attend the event. This whole bullet is obviously just speculation on my part about your situation.</li>
<li>The good news is that you appear to be over 18. You are not forced to spend time with him by a court order. You have some power to call the shots on your relationship with your dad, just try to do it calmly and consistently.</li>
</ul>
<p>Good luck. Things will calm down when the divorce is final, esp. if all kids are out of the house and your parents don’t have to see each other often. That can take a couple of years, though. Hang in there.</p>
<p>It is not “your duty to defuse the situation.” Your parents are responsible for their relationship together. You are responsible for your behavior and your individual relationship with each of them.
You are a grad student, so you should have free counseling available to you on campus. You may find it helpful to work through your feelings and work on developing healthy boundaries for this issue</p>
<p>Or maybe if someone has nothing constructive to say to a young adult clearly in pain, they should skip the thread.</p>
<p>FVirile, Part of growing up is maintaining healthy boundaries. Have you considered speaking with or writing to your father that you are no longer comfortable discussing the divorce? Not to mention the past? That you would like him in your life for reasons A, B and C but these other topics are just too fresh and painful for the time being? </p>
<p>I encourage you to stop his friends cold in their tracks. It’s none of their business. Tell them you appreicate their concern but you are not discussing your family with non-family members anymore, to respect both yours and your fathers privacy. Repeat as nessicary. And feel free to interupt if they keep going.</p>
<p>I’ll warn you, in establishing these kind of boundaries with my own mother, she disowned me (I was 35.) I hope that someday we can have a cordial relationship at least and it was a big adjustment at the time but there is no question that my life is more peaceful and better balanced now. </p>
<p>And sometimes, Kate, the person maybe just needs a wakeup call. Clearly there are some difficult issues here. But, there is also a very palpable sense in the original post of “its not fair that I have such a bad parent” (paraphrasing here). </p>
<p>Some parents are good, and some are not. Some let their better instincts fall by the wayside in pursuit of other things. But, as a young adult, one is not entitled to have one’s father behave in a way that 1. he has shown no interest in behaving, 2. pleases oneself. He is an adult and lives his life in a way that he sees fit. The OP always has the option of saying “no” if a certain request from dad impinges upon the OPs choice to live his life the way HE wants. </p>
<p>My point is that it is not the child’s job (even as a young adult) to “grade” the parent. That smacks of entitlement. </p>
<p>Maybe this hit a nerve with me. The OP’s attitude sounds an awful lot like my husband’s daughter who is now 23. She is still holding a major grudge that we would not co-sign $60,000 in private loans for her. Then, she eloped during her senior year of college and didn’t tell her dad until months later. This was to “punish” him for divorcing her mom, and for not signing the loans. She has proceeded, over the years, to send him a long nasty letter every few months, trying to guilt him into various things (usually financial). For the record, he is a devoted dad and this behavior breaks his heart. We’ve since resigned ourselves to the fact that we cannot own her problems, and we cannot let our family life be affected by her manipulative behavior. (not saying the OP is manipulative…just saying…this is our situation with a difficult “adult” child).</p>
<p>OP, I probably would have given my dad a much worse, failing grade if I had thought about it when my family was in the middle of a divorce. I was in my early twenties at the time. Ignore Pianomom. </p>
<p>It is not an easy to be part of a divorce at any time and being a young adult when your parents divorce has its own challenges. It is ok and normal to take a side. It is ok to love him as your dad, but still dislike him intensely and decide to limit his presence in your life at this time. It is a private family matter and no one else has any business getting involved. I wish you peace.</p>
<p>PianoMom, thanks for the background. I think it helps all of us understand your point of view.<br>
OP, I was glad to read that you are not a HS student dealing with this. At your age, you have the adult advantage of deciding how much you want certain people in your life. That is one of the perks of being a grown up! You don’t have to judge others but you also don’t have to spend time with them.</p>
<p>PianoMom - you are the one with a chip on your shoulder. Sometimes if you have nothing constructive to say, then try to keep it to yourself. Sheesh.</p>
<p>OP - I am sorry to hear that. It is not your job to try to make things better for your dad. You are an adult. You will interact with him if it’s a positive relationship. Let your parents work out their problem. I also feel bad that your mom had to put up with all of your dad’s nonsense. Most people do not want to have a negative relationship with their parents. We are always looking for our parents’ approval no matter how old we get. It is sad when they take advantage of it.</p>
<p>oldfort…clearly you disagree with me. That is fine. I don’t mind that. But what I said to the OP needed to be said. Bottom line…he doesn’t get to choose/judge his dad’s behavior. But, what he CAN choose is 1. how to cope with the difficulties, 2. to what extent to have dad in his life.</p>
<p>FVirile, listen to the positive advice here, especially how to establish boundaries and keep your relationships with your parents as balanced as possible. Your father may not have been a great father, but he is your father. Even if it means sending him an email every once in a while to let him know how your doing, don’t cut your ties with him But don’t get sucked into the mind games, either. I know, I know – it isn’t easy.</p>
<p>If you let yourself get sucked into the pettiness of the situation, you’ll have a greater chance of emerging as a bitter individual – and that will threaten your other relationships.</p>
<p>Sorry about what is happen with your husband and stepdaughter, PianoMom. It does give perspective on your situation and how you view this one. However, it is an apples to oranges comparison and NOT what is happening in the OP’s life, from everything we have been told. From my perspective, you jumped at this kid without reason. And, you may disagree, but I honestly don’t see anything wrong with “grading” his dad’s performance as a parent. It’s to give perspective to his postings, not to send Dad some sort of paper report with a “C+” written on it.</p>
<p>Let’s call a spade a spade, huh? Dad clearly wants Son to take his “side” in the divorce and is not above using psychological pressure and guilt to do so. Son needs some coping skills and he’s asking for advice. Cut him some slack.</p>
<p>OP has absolutely the right to judge his father. Knowing his father is a c+ father, maybe OP will be an A+ father someday. Just because one has the natural ability of having kids, doesn’t make one a good parent. Kids are not stupid. They know when they see a bad parent. It is by recognizing those bad behaviors can one change or choose not to behave in such a manner in the future. Sometimes I think there should be a law to require people to pass a good parenting test (course) before they are allowed to have kids.</p>
<p>Sorry Colorado, I disagree. The circumstances don’t need to be identical for what I said to be valid. This is a young adult who doesn’t like the way his father is living his life, and who feels compelled to judge him. That is inappropriate and sounds a little tantrum-y, to be frank with you. </p>
<p>My point to the OP, and to anyone else who disagrees is this: nowhere is it written that your parents need your approval to live their lives as they see fit. To say otherwise is to presume that you have some sort of power or control over them. Live your life and let your parent live theirs. Get some boundaries. If you disapprove of them, then don’t spend time with them. But, yours is not to judge. Who knows how your life will turn out when you are the parent of grown children. </p>
<p>“What kinds of things or explicit acts/contributions do parents normally take credit for?”</p>
<p>I’ve seen several parents rewrite history in their own minds to make themselves seem far better than they actually were. Dad is doing this now, telling you what he apparently tells his coworkers. (What sort of person would stick their noses into this at his request??) If he is telling lies, then treat them as such, politely, and distance yourself as much as possible. I’d screen my calls if I were you and only talk to him when he has something honest or helpful to say. (Been through this, and I know it is NOT fun. Hang in there.)</p>
<p>Oh please!!! If an adult child doesn’t “have the right” to judge a parent’s performance as a parent, who on earth does? Who could possibly be in a better position to do that?</p>
<p>Oldfort, I think that a distinction needs to be made between being a “bad parent” (i.e., abusive, neglectful, dangerous) of a minor child, and the situation that the OP is facing. </p>
<p>What this sounds like is that dad didn’t handle himself well in the divorce and is maybe seeing someone else before it is all over, and is asking for son’s approval. (Totally guessing here, based on limited info.). While dad’s behavior is yucky, let’s all remember that the OP is an ADULT. Dad is not shirking his parental duties here. Sounds like Mom is pretty hurt, and son is taking up the fight for her (by his own admission). That’s a huge red flag for anyone concerned about boundary issues. Ask any therapist. For son to be fuming over dad’s behavior and presuming to judge, is pretty inappropriate. </p>
<p>Is he hurting? No doubt he is. But you are all enabling him to not have appropriate boundaries. This is not going to help him. He needs to live and let live. Dad’s “duties” as a parent are over at this point, and he does not need to conduct himself in a way that son approves of. If he chooses despicable behavior, so be it.</p>