<p>PianoMom, all I can say is: WOW!</p>
<p>Second that WOW, talk about self serving.</p>
<p>Pianomom, it was OP’s dad asking for validation of his role as parent. That is calling opening the door in court. If one doesn’t want to people’s opinions then one shouldn’t ask for them. And if Dad keeps hounding him, then sonny is going to tell him to take a hike. And if Dad has a temper, and OP has seen it, it is going to influence him. OP, do not listen to Pianomom.</p>
<p>“For son to be fuming over dad’s behavior and presuming to judge, is pretty inappropriate.”</p>
<p>You didn’t live in his home growing up. The OP did. If he has protective feelings toward his mom, he is probably MORE than entitled to have them. Don’t you think that’s why the dad is trying so hard to been seen NOW in such a “good parent” light? </p>
<p>PianoMom, I think your own exposure to your stepdaughter’s behavior has left you a bit raw as far as this subject is concerned (she is behaving awfully, by the way). This is NOT your stepdaughter.</p>
<p>I really question based on Piano’s mom statements here if her stepdaughter wouldnt have an entirely different side to the story.</p>
<p>Third that wow.</p>
<p>FVirile, I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. It is not fair that you are being put in the middle and are feeling forced to choose sides. Make it clear to all involved that YOU will choose with whom you want to discuss this. And I second an earlier poster’s suggestion to talk to a counselor at your school. You are not obligated to provide divorce-related information to or for either parent.</p>
<p>Intparent had a good point in noting that just as your father’s friends do not know everything that went on in your parents’ relationship, neither do you. At your age, if I had been grading my parents, I would have given my mother a rather harsh grade. As a middle-aged (if I live to age 100+) mother myself, I would be a lot more lax in grading her. She was dealing with a lot of things I was unaware of (spouse’s alcoholism, financial problems not of her making, probably some mental health issues), and I question now whether I could have handled it all any better than she did.</p>
<p>My advice is to cut yourself some slack, and to do the same for both of your parents. Obviously mistakes have been made, most likely by both of them, and my guess is that down the road, you are going to want your own kids to remember the things you did right and to cut you some slack for the times you messed up.</p>
<p>Whatever, I see no basis for the statement you made that mistakes have been made, most likely by both. The mere fact that his dad is pestering him for validation is very telling. </p>
<p>I do continue to advise Fvirile to tell dad he does not want to continue these converstions and to find a professional to talk to.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your response.</p>
<p>I’ve been purposely very vague about what caused the divorce, but the details are extremely gory. His manipulative and tempestuous nature are traits I can deal with better than some of his worse qualities. </p>
<p>He has always asked me to side with him and has asked me, in the past, repeatedly, point blank about who I think has had a bigger contribution to my life.That is really unfair, and while I’ve been a weasel and given him the answers he sought, I refuse to do so now. My entire life I’ve walked on egg shells around him. Compared to the very highly involved and enthusiastic parents I’ve seen on CC, my dad has been not involved at all. I do acknowledge his input but I take pride in being the independent and self-reliant person I am. I’ve consciously stayed far from involving him intimately in my life, because he has a tendency to obsessively dictate and complicate things as he managed to do last year when I asked him to co-sign a $20,000 loan for grad school. His precondition was that I convince my mom to change her behavior. The only reason he signed the loan in the end was because it hurt his pride when a friend’s parents agreed to co-sign the loan. However, he has no trouble in bragging to his friends about the school I now attend.</p>
<p>As far as helping my mom goes, I definitely am not impartial in this, but am just helping my mom restart her life. But, as far as picking up cudgels, all I want to see is a fair resolution. For long now, my mum and I have suffered and I just don’t want to cut my dad any slack any longer. I am not afraid or ashamed to say I feel extremely protective towards my mom.</p>
<p>I have scheduled a meeting with a counselor next week.</p>
<p>Thanks again.</p>
<p>p.s.- There is no special friend involved who is causing the divorce. It’s just plain old mum and dad.</p>
<p>Fvirile, I am so glad you came back and are seeing a counselor. You are going through a difficult situation, and I can tell you will make it, but I think it will help you to have someone to talk to. </p>
<p>“My entire life I’ve walked on egg shells around him.” - speaks volumes.</p>
<p>Real parents say their kid did it themselves.</p>
<p>Fvirile, Please do not pay any attention to the negative posts in this thread. They are not about you at all, please ignore them.</p>
<p>I am also very happy to see that you are seeing a counselor. Your feelings are normal and natural, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing that anyone has the right to judge you for. Nor is there any requirement to be impartial. Some parents are better than others, that’s just a fact.</p>
<p>I wish you the very best of luck.</p>
<p>FV, I am close to a little boy who may be writing a very similar post in 15-20 years, so I really feel for you. Someone can be a very good provider in a financial sense and still be a failure as a parent and a spouse.</p>
<p>Good for you for seeing a counselor. In your first post I could feel the anger and resentment that has been building up inside you for years. I hope that you will be able to let go of some of that eventually, not for your parents’ sake but for yours. Perhaps as you learn to set and enforce boundaries and as you see your mother begin to recover you will find the strength to forgive.</p>
<p>While I would never presume to diagnose anyone, I read up on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and found that the symptoms described a lot of the boy’s father’s behaviors, which it sounds like your dad also exhibits. I found some helpful hints about dealing with a person who has those kinds of behaviors.</p>
<p>In the little boy’s case there is also substance abuse involved, and I have been trying to convince the mom to attend alanon. If your situation is similar, alanon is a great place to go for support, understanding, and guidance. Everyone there is learning how to set boundaries and change their responses to their loved one. </p>
<p>Good luck, and stay strong.</p>
<p>MarinMom, I thought the same thing about NPD within the first half of the first post. My sisters and I had to give ourselves a crash course after my father married someone with NPD. She is an extremely destructive woman, and it took us quite a bit time and tears before we realized that there is no logic when you’re dealing with someone like this. You’re either with her or against her - there is no middle ground, no empathy, no soul.</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like you are on the right track, and I am so sorry you are going through this. Learning to set boundaries is key to self-preservation; also realizing there is nothing you can do or say that will “get through” to him.</p>
<p>If you have never had to deal with an NPD person, you cannot imagine what it is like - I can assure you that you would not wish it on your worst enemy.</p>
<p>I’ll reiterate for those who STILL don’t get it. Dad’s behavior is pretty narcissistic. If son needs to distance himself for his own peace of mind, then so be it. But, he is out of line judging him. The dad has the right to live his life without the son holding him up to a (mom-influenced) standard of behavior. This is a plain and simple boundary issue. Not to mention that nurturing this grudge won’t hurt the dad…only the OP himself. </p>
<p>BTW…the situation with my bratty stepdaughter has nothing to do with this. I’ve long felt this way. It has grown out of a frustration with a cluster of traits that I see in younger people in the last few years…and lest we get all tangential…that is a post for another time. Let’s just suffice it to say that I don’t think my ideas on that subject will gain much traction here where overindulgence and permissiveness is the norm. Not that that will stop me from being the voice of reason.</p>
<p>Parents, thank you for pointing out the personality disorder. I’ve always suspected that he has some sort of personality disorder but I’ve never been sure as to what kind he fit into.Perhaps, he has some degree of NPD comorbid with something else. I think it would help a lot if he sought help for his issues. </p>
<p>I’ve tried to compartmentalize this issue as much as possible and your support has been great. I might not be an A+ parent but I will definitely be twice the father to my kid that my father has been to be. His basic problem, which continues to date, is that he has a very skewed perspective and that he believes that he can do no wrong and that everyone else is to blame. Of course he has good qualities, but they all get overpowered by his negatives. And no matter what some of his friends say, to just focus on his positives. I can’t do that now. Maybe later.</p>
<p>Sure Colorado. And YOU watch where you’re going as you are following all of the other lemmings right out to sea…</p>
<p>Apologies to the OP for the temporary hijack. Best of luck to you with the counselor and in dealing with your difiicult father. I’m outta here.</p>
<p>PianoMom: I do not see how I am coming off as entitled. Being a parent is one of the many hats people don and just like other roles which we perform and get judged on by those in the position to, so it is with this one. Moreover, my dad seeks my opinion. And, I’ve every right to judge his actions as they have been adversely impacting my life. </p>
<p>Your situation with your stepdaughter, as you’ve described it, is absolutely not analogous with my situation or how I’ve acted towards my dad.</p>
<p>Pianomom, maybe you are confused about the issue of setting boundaries. We set boundaries on what behavior we will accept towards ourselves from other people. Judging someone’s parenting ability, especially on an anonymous forum, has nothing to do with setting boundaries. The OP is entitled to his feelings and judgment.</p>
<p>“Do not feed ■■■■■.”</p>