<p>The OP is absolutely entitled to his opinions. But, when he chose to share those opinions in a public forum, he also entitled, in fact “invited”, the rest of us to comment on them. The fact that my opinions are not those of the majority does not make them any less valid. What a boring world it would be if that were the case! </p>
<p>I believe that the OP, with the benefit of time and maturity may judge his father less harshly. Or maybe not. That is his choice. But, again, he opens up that choice to the possibility of consensus, or not, here by posting it. </p>
<p>My opinion: he is acting entitled, expecting his father to act in certain ways and judging him harshly if he does not. The fact that his father is exhibiting poor behavior of his own does not change that fact. We cannot control anyone’s behavior but our own, and to think otherwise is the height of youthful arrogance. I would hope he would not take any of your advice to close to heart. If he does, he risks continuing down a path whose end is sure disappointment. The sooner he realizes that his dad will act how he will act and that he cannot stop him, the better. </p>
<p>May I suggest that the mom get therapy. I have no doubt she is driving this.</p>
<p>I want to clarify what I meant in my post. Given the fact that the OP is an adult, what I was saying is that he can determine how much time he spends interacting with his Father. I understand that some of you feel that as a child he has the right to judge his Father’s parenting skills. I am pointing the OP toward being an adult. Sometimes that means knowledge that the other person is also an adult who is living their own life in the best way they are capable of. In my mind the OP can now view his Father for what he is and can decide for himself how much or little interaction he wants to have.<br>
My response would have been totally different if the OP were a high school student and in fact, I went back and re-read the OP to make sure that he was indeed a grad school student.</p>
<p>Pianomom – what in the world makes you think the mom is driving this? And OP “invited” comments but his DAD, who has been hounding him, didn’t. </p>
<p>OP, disregard her comments. There is an army of people here who think you AND mom are going to make it. You have shown you can and she made that first step.</p>
<p>Op: I think there is wisdom in this from PianoMom</p>
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<p>I have a friend, who is already 31, whose mother is bi-polar. She has never ending stories of disappointment regarding her mother. For those of us whose parents are toxic/dysfunctional recognizing and accepting that the parent is inadequate and detaching would save a lot of aggravation and heartache.</p>
<p>I don’t deny the wisdom, but I don’t see how it’s relevant in this case. The OP has not said that he is disappointed in his father. It seems to me that he has come to grips with the fact that he is toxic and disfunctional. He isn’t asking how he can change his father; he just wants to get him off his back.</p>
<p>I’m laughing as I type. It’s not okay for the OP to judge and grade his dad but it’s okay for Pianomom to write the above? What grade would one give to an individual who is “pretty narcissistic?” Higher than a C+?</p>
<p>The OP’s description of his father’s manipulative behavior made me wonder if Narcissistic Personality Disorder might be the driver in most of the conflict also. Anyone who has ever dealt with this disorder in a loved one or friend knows how it feels to be wedged between a rock and a hard place, and if indeed NPD is at work here (or a related disorder), the OP is very much entitled to his feelings of anger and betrayal in my opinion. The best thing both the OP and his mother can do at this juncture is to get counseling on how best to personally deal with the toxic effects of such behavior in order that they not be further sucked into the vortex of NPD’s destruction. It further sounds to me as if PianoMom might be projecting somewhat. Granted, there’s really no way we can know more than the OP is willing to reveal in the context of this thread, but it really does sound as if the OP’s and PianoMom’s situations are entirely different.</p>
<p>Some parents are better than others. My dad hasn’t been the best parent and while I am not expecting him to change (which differs greatly from his expectations of my mom and myself) I am not willing to bend over backwards to please him or walk on eggshells around him any longer. He is an extremely intelligent man and he is getting judged on the merit of his actions. I am not a bitter person so I do not invest energy in holding grudges or resentment.I am sad that we had a relationship that was majorly delineated by negative and suffocating emotions such as fear, anger and detachment.But that’s life.</p>
<p>Just curious about the kinds of things/influences parents take credit for in their children’s lives? The responses would help me get a better handle on how to stop my dad from singing one of his signature tunes.</p>
<p>FVirile:
We all take credit for the good things and blame the shortcomings on: peer pressure; fate; the general environment; television; other people… I don’t think that you will be able to stop your dad from singing one of his “signature tunes” as you put it. That would be changing him. Try to tune him out instead.</p>
<p>I am very proud of both of my kids. I like the kind of people they are. I like their work ethic, compassion, sense of humor and justice… I think we’ve had some influence, but I am not sure if we could take full credit for them. We have always provided them with a stable happy home, paid for their schooling, but we always viewed it as our job. If we weren’t prepared to do that then we wouldn’t have brought them into this world. They are greatful and do not feel entitled. We do not expect payback. Well, maybe if they would just remember mothers day.</p>
<p>What Oldfort said. My H and I take credit for creating a drama-free zone at home (other than the drama created by the kids) and for encouraging and supporting our kids in their sometimes arcane interests. They pretty much did the rest and have turned out to be awesome people. But they have our DNA of course!!!</p>
<p>Don’t try to stop your dad, just refuse to respond to his phone calls and messages. If, as I gather, the events of the marital break-up have gotten him in legal hot water, that is not your problem. They were his actions and he needs to take the consequences. You need to withdraw from his drama, not try to change his tune, much as I’m sure it annoys you.</p>
<p>I don’t want to change his tune per se, but maybe retort sometime without feeling guilty. I have written to him to ask not to clean his mess, to which he replied pulling on all sorts of manipulative emotional strings. But, that’s just him. I am going to learn to not bother with him regardless of what he says.</p>
I don’t think that you will be able to stop your dad from singing one of his “signature tunes” as you put it. That would be changing him. Try to tune him out instead.</p>