dealing with anonymous drug warning

Parent Cafe
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<p>Gosmom, what do you imagine is the caller’s motivation? He is expending a lot of time and effort to point a finger at your son. Why? Is he passionate about eliminating substance use/abuse? If so, where is the courage behind his convictions - why not be brave enough to then state his name?</p>

<p>Sorry, I’m probably not a good resource for this thread. I am just simply not a fan of sneaking, anonymous calls or “information” that is offered without proper sourcing. At the moment and knowing nothing further I am beginning to view this caller as rather a serpent. Now, if someone were to call, put their name behind it, or even offer evidence of some sort, that’s a different story…</p>

22

<p>

^this is the reason I don’t think the possibility of this caller really being a “concerned friend” should not be dismissed.</p>

23

<p>Take kid for physical. Get urine test, ask doctor privately to screen for pot and other substances. Keep eye out for behavior. Tell kid in about a week that you got such a call. </p>

<p>Sneaky? Yeah. But I’ve seen too many kids go very far before they were caught and the parents truly had no idea. Some of them were even told about their kids’ activities, discussed it with kids and were mollified. Some kids are pretty danged sneaky themselves. </p>

<p>I don’t like anonymous calls. However, I’ve known a number of folks who were burned becaue they told on someone. Even when the info proved true, there was animosity.</p>

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<p>Oh, I don’t think it should be dismissed. There is, after all, a chance it could be true. I am just having enormous difficulty forcing my brain past the anonymous call. It just seems so provocative. Did the caller offer any specificity, such as dates, times, events, parties, etc. - anything at all that made his statements even slightly credible?</p>

<p>And if he’s a concerned “friend”, why didn’t you recognize his voice at least? And yet he has your phone number somehow… </p>

<p>Sorry, this feels like fraud to me…</p>

<p>But I still don’t get the GC sending the student off to chase more rabbits - my daughter called from college freshman year, a member of the team was using some drug or another; they had all tried talking to the teammate to no avail, daughter called, what should she do? I told her it was too big for her, let an adult handle it - go tell the head coach. So they did. I am not getting why the GC didn’t take this off the accusing student’s plate. If the story is true, it seems wrong to me to make the student continue to carry the water, call parents, etc. </p>

<p>I am sorry, I am probably not being much help to you here…</p>

<p>Cross post - sorry, I cannot imagine subjecting my child to tests on the sole basis of an anonymous call…that doesn’t seem fair, or right. I mean, anyone can accuse anyone of anything at any time…</p>

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<p>Sorry, but I agree with cptofthehouse on this one. I could not ignore the call. I can’t call the caller back. I would not get the school involved for something that might be fabricated, and would be a personal family matter. The parent is really in a corner here. If something happened to my son, if he drank and drove, if he were binge drinking, and even if he were just involved illegal activity I would want to know. Better that he would be angry for a week or two, than dead. BTW, I know of 2 “nice kids” who have gotten into legal trouble because of smoking weed. It involved lawyers and money, and I don’t know if their insurance rates will go up. One temporarily lost his driver’s license. I would just want to know.</p>

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<p>My issue isn’t that the son might be angry. My issue is the seeming unfairness of accusing someone, snooping through their personal belongings, subjecting them to drug tests, on the SOLE basis of an anonymous telephone call - and in the total absence of any other supporting evidence. </p>

<p>I agree though you cannot ingore the call. I just don’t think I would lead with an accusation. That would NOT be my starting point. Assuming all has been well outside of a few “normal” scrapes, I cannot imagine treating my offspring that way. Can you imagine, you are the accused and this is what you come home to?</p>

<p>I do agree overall, better to be safe than sorry. I just don’t think accusing the young man is the way to go…not unless there is some other reason to believe the call may be true…</p>

<p>I do agree too it is a very, very tough position for a parent - but…</p>

27

<p>You do not want to lose your son’s trust at a time in his life like this. Something like this could be easily overblown. Maybe he drank/smoked a few times and a friend of his who saw that as an aberration (you did say it seems completely out of character for your son) for his behavior, igniting the concern. I would get more evidence before progressing, as this could also possibly be false.</p>

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<p>I think it’s smart to just routinely add a drug test to the urinalysis tests once a kid starts high school. Wouldn’t say anything either. Yes, it’s not upfront, but I keep my eyes open for a number of things without telling the kids. Mentioning it can make them cautious and even sneakier, if it is true. I would never lead with an accusation. Would not even if I found direct evidence. </p>

<p>I am not advocating my way to every or even any one. It really is a parenting issue and regardless of which route you take, you can lose out on this one. It’s just more catastrophic if there is a big problem and it gets covered because you bring it out in the open.</p>

<p>One young man that I have known for a long time was kicked out of highschool his senior year, this fall for selling drugs. I found out not long ago, that someone had called the mom (a casual friend of mine) and told her that he was supplying kids. She and her husband calmly sat son down and told him what she had heard. He adamently denied any part of this, and was absolutely convincing. He was lying. Of course, he did not think he was selling drugs, just getting some as a favor for a few friends. If she had done some snooping or drug testing before telling him about the phone call, she might have found some evidence, and could have taken a different approach. Kids who are doing drugs often lie. I know ever so many parents who have been crushed that their kids lied to them about some crucial issues when they felt that the relationship was honest and close. </p>

<p>But then I always kept an eye open while the mouth was still shut regarding my kids’ activities. Not because I was expecting to find anything, but in case I might.</p>

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<p>Angry for a few weeks? I honestly believe that my son wouldn’t forgive me for years, if ever, if I did some of the things people are suggesting on the basis of an anonymous phone call contradicting everything I know about him. (Many of which are, I would think, completely illegal to do if the kid is 18.) I also find it hard to believe that if this is legitimate, a guidance counselor would have asked the kid to do <em>anything,</em> rather than take the burden from his hands and deal with it in whatever way guidance counselors are supposed to.</p>

<p>But, skeptical as I’d be, I wouldn’t ignore it. I’d sit down and talk to my son, calmly and without making it sound like I was accusing him. Of course, my son has never, ever been a good liar, his entire life, and I can pretty much always tell. (Neither am I.) Which makes things easier, I admit.</p>

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<p>let your kid have fun</p>

31

<p>It really has nothing to do with believing the caller, the story or anything. It’s just something that I would want to automatically check, and by bringing it up first, it makes it very likely to have any evidence disappear.</p>

32

<p>I’m not sure what advice to give to do with your son given this information. Perhaps you can attempt to observe things closer than before, including his whereabouts and also have discussions about drugs and alchohol without mentioning this call and feel things out. It wouldn’t be accusing him of anything but more like being more vigilant for signs and also having more discussions to see reactions and so forth and go from there. </p>

<p>I just want to say that I feel this caller could well be real about this. Some are asking why didn’t the GC take the information and deal with it herself? But this student who has the concerns about his friend may not have wished to tell the name of the kid he had concerns about because many teens don’t want to get their peers in trouble. He could have said he is concerned about a friend who may be drinking and drugging and is not sure what to do about his concerns. The GC may have asked who the student was and the “reporting” student may have said he didn’t wish to reveal the name. The GC may have then advised that the student approach his friend and expresss his concerns or call his parents to make them aware. The boy likely didn’t want to confront his friend and decided if he called the parents, he wanted to remain anonymous so that it doesn’t get back to him that he was a “tattletale” which is a big concern for teens. </p>

<p>Ya know, one of my D’s has a close lifelong friend who was obviously involved in drugs and my D was very very very very concerned about this friend and what she was doing as my D had a first hand observation on a daily basis. She knew her friend was seeing a therapist and that her parents knew she was struggling but my D was not sure her parents knew the extent of her drug usage or in any case, my D’s main concern was how poorly this girl was doing (away from home). She called us up many times expressing how worried she was for this friend and was wondering if her parents really knew the extent of it (likely not) and we are friendly with the girl’s parents over the years (do not live near one another…our daughters are long distance pals). Our D begged us to not ever say a thing to her parents but our D did not know what to do. We suggested to talk to her friend about her concerns and suggest certain other help avenues. We also suggested that she may wish to call the friend’s parents (whom she knows well and so this would not be anonymous) and tell them she didn’t want her friend to ever find out that she was calling her parents but was so deeply concerned about her health that she wanted to share her observations and make sure they were aware so that someone intervened more than the intervention already in place. I don’t think my D ever called them and I know how uncomfortabloe that is for teens to do and so she approached her friend directly but that still was truly not enough as she believed her parents needed to know the trouble the girl was in away from home because the girl needed more help. </p>

<p>I also recall back in HS, my D and a couple of close friends were VERY concerned about another close friend who had been treated for eating disorders but was back at school but seemed to be relapsing and the friends were noticing certain behaviors and wanted to get an adult to help or make sure they were aware. They went to the school nurse. They did give the girl’s name. My D was disconcerted as it appeared that the nurse just approached the girl and asked if she’d been eating, etc. and my D was like, “of course she is going to deny what we have seen…why isn’t she calling the parents?” Of course, we don’t know…maybe the parents were called. I tried to encourage D to call up her pal’s mom (another lifelong friend but this time from our hometown) as she knew her very well but again, that is uncomfortable for teens to do. Therefore, I can imagine a boy calling anonymously as he doesn’t want it to get back to his friend that he “told,” but yet, the boy is truly concerned. This is quite plausible. Yes, it COULD be fake but who is to know? It could be very real. Even the bit of conversation you relayed sounded convincing to me. </p>

<p>I would not accuse your son. I am not sure I’d tell him of the call, or at least not yet. Keep observing. Have some conversations. This other kid tried to tip you off and now see what you can see. It may be nothing. But you really do not know.</p>

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<p>northeastmom:</p>

<p>I’m sorry that I have to tell you this, but, your husband is having an affair with another woman. </p>

<p>And I am confident that you, after being offered such unsolicited, unsubstantiated and harmful information, will follow your own advice. </p>

<p>Please keep us informed.</p>

34

<p>Call the GC. You don’t have to mention or even infer drug/alchohol use. “Did you advise a student to call me anonymously?”</p>

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<p>I of course am seeing this from the perspective of a teenager rather than from he perspective of a parent. (Though I find it interesting that I’m advocating a more conservative approach, especially since I’ve argued often on these boards against invading the privacy of teens. Anyway.) Assuming the story is true, should the concerned friend have handled the situation the way he did? Probably not. But then again, he’s a high schooler… High schoolers rarely handle things ideally. I can definitely see a high school kid giving a warning while withholding his name; teenagers don’t want to be blamed, they don’t want to be uncool, and they don’t want to get too involved. Someone thinks his friend needs help, and he wants the parents to handle it. The end. On the other hand, I just really don’t see why this call would make sense for a prank. I don’t get the motivation behind it or what the prankster intended as an end result. It just doesn’t add up for me. </p>

<p>Further, as I said before, I can think of a lot of very good kids in high school who drank behind their parents’ back, even while getting As, going to Church, doing community service, playing sports, and helping their little siblings with homework. Many of these teens drank way too much, and many of them drank and drive. When I was a young teen, my parents found out that my sister had been going to parties and drinking (she would never drink and drive, thankfully). It shocked my parents, and it surprised me–despite the fact that we were going to school together at the time. It turns out that my sister’s sleepovers at one of her best friend’s houses were really raging parties held while the parents were away. A bottle cap was left on the floor one night, the story came out, and parents were called. If my sister could drink frequently with no one knowing or suspecting, then the OP’s son certainly can (and yes, my mom waited up when we went out at night, and we had to come say goodnight when we came back in, and she knew all of our friends and all of our friends’ parents, etc.). You can’t categorize the drinkers and the nondrinkers very easily. I never really saw a pattern at my high school.</p>

<p>Oh, and I can also see a GC not taking action. Think of a kid going to a GC and just saying that he’s concerned about a friend’s drinking, without naming names. The GC is probably going to suggest that he confront his friend or even talk to his friend’s parent. Heck, I can even remember some past threads on this board where students posted because they were worried about a friend, and parents posted back saying to talk to the parent. Of course the kid should be up front and honest about it instead of making an anonymous phone call, but teenagers don’t always handle conversations correctly, particularly those with adults.</p>

<p>Cross-posted with Sozievt, but I agree with her. The conversation you had with the boy doesn’t strike me as the least bit fake. If I were the parent, I would definitely keep a closer eye on my kid, check the alcohol in the house (including for water substitution), and be very wary of any overnight visits or sleepovers.</p>

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<p>Toblin, given the circumstances under which you are telling Northeastmom that her husband is having an affair, an intelligent, rational, logical person could see the message for what it is. An anonymous phone call of the nature that the OP got can truly go either way. Most of us do not know what our young adults are doing, and there is a high likelihood that the info is true. The harm that can occur if the info is true and the parent either ignores it or clues the kid in that the word is out, is much worse than if due vigilance, quiet detective work, smart observations, and waiting a bit, thinking it over, is the action taken. As a parent, I am always keeping an eye open for possible transgressions that can hurt my child, my family. </p>

<p>I belong to another group of parents that have a whole different focus. I have a child who has undergone a life threatening illness. One of the things that we were told while our child was treated was to watch him when he takes his medicines and keep him under watch for a good 15 minutes. This warning was particularly stressed to parents of teens, and for good reason. One mother I know is a ghost of a person. She lost her wonderful daughter to cancer. One day she went into the bathroom after her daughter left it. In the toilet was an unflushed pill. Yeah, she was not taking her meds. Don’t ask me why this happens often; it does because the oncs stress it. And the mom had repeatedly reminded her, trusted her, but not followed the routine. In my book, there is a certain routine to follow for certain circumstances that have nothing to do with trust, but is just the right thing to do because the consequences can be too terrible.</p>

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<p>Agreeing with post 34, Band Ten Hut. </p>

<p>I;d only try to phrase it so GC isn’t made defensive, by saying: "I’m in a difficult position here and you’re the only person who can unravel the puzzle. I can’t determine if this is true information or a prank, because it came via an anonymous student caller whose voice I didn’t recognize.</p>

<p>"A student, saying he’s from our school, called me anonymously with some important information about my S. He cited you, Mr. XX, as the person advising him to make the anonymous call.</p>

<p>“If his info is true, I want to know about it. So please confirm: did you recently advise a classmate of my son to call me anonymously?”</p>

<p>And don’t say what the info concerned; that’s irrelevant to the GC and to solving the puzzle.</p>

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<p>^Agreed. (10 char)</p>

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<p>P3T, that would be difficult if the student went to the GC and never named the student involved, which is what I would generally expect in such a situation. If the GC made a general, vague comment along the lines of “Well, you should talk to your friend, or perhaps you want to reach out to other friends or your friend’s parents or …” he may not connect the mother’s call with, you know, general advice he gave one of his students a week or so ago. He won’t necessarily see the connection between the two events.</p>

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<p>I don’t know where you live. If you live where I do, and your son (or daughter) is a 12th grader, there is a much greater than 50-50 chance that s/he has drunk alcohol, smoked marijuana, used a prescription opiate for pleasure, misused steroids, or borrowed some unprescribed Ritalin in the past 30 days. That’s just the way it is (I have the data to prove it), and I doubt that the percentages are much lower, even for parents on this forum.</p>

<p>So, taking that as a given, you have to ask yourself what the goal of any particular intervention might be. I would always posit as number one (unless things have gotten far more out of hand than you suspect) is open lines of communication with your son, if on what he might perceive as a difficult subject. You (and/or your husband) were young once, too. So what steps can you take with your son so that you can openly discuss risky behavior, without being accusatory, without snooping through his stuff, without tricking him into drug-testing? What is it that you need to be the outcome? That he never drink or use marijuana til he’s 45? Or that he can benefit from the fruits of your wisdom and experience? Why not presume, as a matter of course, that he has drunk and has used marijuana, that it is not likely to ruin him for life, but that lack of good communication with you could put him at risk?</p>