dealing with anonymous drug warning

Parent Cafe
81

<p>Do any of you adults not make mistakes?? or do anything when you were a teenager that you probably should not have? I agree with mini, TALK, TALK, and more TALK. I personally could not imagine doing a sneak drug test on any of my children, but then again they have never given me reason to not trust them… that does not mean I assume they are perfectly behaved, to the contrary. BUT, I watch, listen and question, and luckily they are quite honest. Sometimes too honest!!</p>

<p>When they do not talk to you is when you have to worry.</p>

82

<p>Being recently from the school of been there, done that, here is what I would do: sit my child down, discuss the issue(other students accusations, etc), discuss penalties, and then do the drug test, then and there. As for the drinking, there are test for that also, but it would have to be when the child returned from whatever party he/she went to… if child is evasive, hostile, etc, still do it. If the kid comes back clean of drugs, well clean is clean, then you can look into who is trying to besmirch his record. I’m tending to believe the unknown caller, and if they are a liar, well that’s their parents problem.</p>

83

<p>We have never drug tested either of our kids. If we had reason to, we would do the drug test. Bogart, I agree with you. Sorry, that you have been from the school of been there, done that.</p>

84

<p>Mini = guru on this subject, (this is his profession),
we are lucky to have his advice on this matter. </p>

<p>I hope the OP updates us.</p>

<p>This is from article on AOL yesterday FYI -perhaps, OP can sprinkle this info in her chat.
“Marijuana is more potent than at any time since scientific analysis of the drug began in the 1970s, according to a report from the University of Mississippi’s Potency Monitoring Project. The average amount of THC in marijuana, the primary psychoactive ingredient in the drug, was tested at 9.6% --more than double the potency of marijuana in 1983”.</p>

85

<p>Oh, and this bit of information may be helpful, too.
"Marijuana Linked to Teen Mental Health Problems
Teens who’ve reported being depressed at some point in the past year are more than twice as likely (25 percent) to have used marijuana than those who weren’t depressed (12 percent), according to a White House Office of National Drug Control Policy report to be released Friday. </p>

<p>The paper also said that marijuana use by teens increases their risk of developing a mental disorder by 40 percent and that teens who use marijuana at least once a month for a year are three times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than those who don’t use the drug, theAssociated Pressreported. "</p>

86

<p>Just an idea: I believe that we parents, as well as friends of our kids, need to look out for one another. Back in the day, one of the few things I remember from anti-drug education, was “drop a dime on 'em” which was, call someone and tell them that someone has a problem, so that they can get help with their problem. We are, still, I believe, part of a community, in this together. It IS possible to write two lines, on a computer (use any font you like–wink!) saying that “your kid may be using drugs,” print it out, and send it off in the mail (envelopes can be printed anonymously as well). Clearly it is this sort of anonymous info that is the challenge for the OP, but I think we owe it to each other, as people in this thing together, to share such information, so that we parents are not
“the last ones to know.” </p>

<p>I appreciate the experience and wisdom that has been shared on this board. I also appreciate the caller who took a risk. Loyalty to friends and not betraying them, is VERY important to youth–along with care and concern for their friends. Not an easy situation for anyone involved.</p>

87

<p>Kelsmom #74, I am terribly sorry about the experience with your brother.</p>

<p>The point I was attempting to make was to talk with your child immediately, should some information come your way that makes you uncomfortable.</p>

<p>Don’t watch him, test him, talk to other people initially. Talk to your child.</p>

<p>Yes, unfortunately he may lie, unfortunately the information may be true.</p>

<p>But unless you discuss it, you have no way to know for sure. I understand the OP wasn’t sure of how to have the conversation.</p>

<p>I would say, “I received this shocking phone call today about you from a stranger.” Then, I would wait for a response, and go from there.</p>

<p>Since the OP seemed so sure her child was normally a good kid, (if it was one of my kids in the same situation) I would tend to believe my child over an anonymous call.</p>

<p>I wasn’t saying kids never lie. I was saying you have no way to know if you don’t ask.</p>

88

<p>sevenhills, if you ask and you get a denial you still won’t know without snooping and testing. I think it would be the unusual child who will say, “Well, yes, I did try some xyz drugs and/or I was pregaming and drinking shots, etc”.</p>

89

<p>Northeasternmom, I agree with you that at some point professional help may be needed. You may have to engage in the behaviors you are describing to determine this.</p>

<p>However, as I am reading from the OP, things have not yet been determined to be at this point.</p>

<p>I agree with you that it is always good to be vigilant, which OP describes being regularly (sniffing for alcohol) when kissing child good night. We all have our little ways of keeping our eyes and ears open to behavior that makes us uncomfortable.</p>

<p>It is the reacting to the “anonymous phonecall” when no other evidence seems to be present that causes me to be less upset.</p>

90

<p>sevenhills, what do you mean by “professional help”? I would not seek the help of others to investigate. I would go out and buy the over the counter drug tests, or perhaps have my child tested in the doctor’s office.</p>

<p>My point is that very few children, IMO, will be direct enough to tell you that they were using illlegal substances if merely asked.</p>

91

<p>I would consider taking your child to a drs. office “professional health”.</p>

<p>I am not aware of what “over the counter” test you would use.</p>

<p>I do know that if you have a child who you suspect of being a long term alcoholic, he could have brain and liver damage, and that would need to be treated professionally.</p>

<p>But let’s hope we communicate well (talk) with our children, and other intervention isn’t necessary.</p>

<p>If you feel a child is lying, as an adult you make what you feel are the appropriate decisions. You sound like you would do a very good job!</p>

92

<p>sevenhills, I fortunately have not had to investigate, but I believe that there are over the counter drug/alcohol tests that can be purchased in pharmacies.</p>

<p>Thanks for the compliment. I believe that most parents on cc would take what they feel is appropriate action for their child bc they are concerned and involved parents. Still, I firmly believe that most children who are involved with heavy drinking (I say heavy, because I do think that more students would discuss a glass of wine or a beer that they had at the neighbor’s or with Uncle Joe) and using drugs will not tell.</p>

93

<p>update…
we’ll wait awhile to relay phone conversation with S, but with eyes/ears definitely wide open in mean time. S has heard our positions on drugs/drinking etc. before (has older sibling), but will reinforce. The much awaited drivers license test is soon–and have already done the talk of zero tolerance for drinking/drugs/driving; S also knows that we have told older sibling that any suspicion of drugs/drinking that we reserve right to drug test. S also knows that we can always be called for a ride whenever, no questions asked (but discussion later!).</p>

<p>won’t talk with GC–don’t know which one it was and want S off radar if wrongly accused.</p>

<p>Anon. caller cited party (that I was aware of/had talked with host parents in advance). S told us that a kid arrived drunk, his parents called (trip to hospital!) and host ended party early. I talked with host and she said only party stopper was under influence as far as she could tell—or we would have been called, too.</p>

<p>On another note, neighbor told of kid from our S’s old middle school caught using “Salvia”… something this old Mom hadn’t heard of …check your urban slang dictionary about this Legal, intense hallucinogenic that kids smoke or chew…scary stuff. Oy vey, can’t they just get high on life???</p>

94

<p>gosmom, It must be a relief to hear from the host parents that your son seemed fine! That must be a relief, especially since one of the guests did end up in a hospital, and then you got that anonymous call! I hope that the child who went to the hospital is okay today.</p>

95

<p>I’m a parent, and I once sent an anonymous letter. I’m glad I did. Here’s what happened:</p>

<p>Two moms from our neighborhood were friends. Kid A’s mom talked about what a great time he had at Z’s parties. Kid B was a bit shy and her mom asked her why she never went to Z’s parties. B explained that while Z’s parents were present, beer was served and some kids got very drunk. In fact, A had had so much to drink at one that he had passed out. He crashed at Z’s house and Z’s parents had called to say that he was staying, but was doing something or other that meant he couldn’t come to phone. </p>

<p>The next time the two moms got together, B’s mom said her kid said that there was drinking at Z’s parties. A’s mom then talked to A saying B’s mom said there was drinking at these parties. He denied it vehemently. </p>

<p>The next morning, A was waiting for B at school and blew up at her. They had been good friends to this point. B went home and screamed at her mom–“I’ll never tell you anything again!” </p>

<p>A few months later, A had a bunch of kids over to his house during lunch hour and they drank there. They went back to school a bit inebriated. A and a friend acted very silly in their next class, so the teacher separated them. The teacher seemed to know something was going on, but not quite what. </p>

<p>I sent A’s parents a letter, saying my kid went to the same school. I didn’t know if it was true, but the kids were saying that about a dozen kids from the high school had gone to their home on X date and drunk beer during the lunch hour. They went back to school and acted silly in their __ class taught by _<em>. I wasn’t there; this was just hearsay, but if my kid did something like that, I’d want to know and I assumed they were good parents and would want to know too. I asked that if they followed up on this, they keep quiet the fact that they had gotten an anonymous letter, as there were only so many kids in that _</em>_class and my kid would stop telling me anything if my kid dreamed I’d said something to his parents. </p>

<p>About 10 days later, my kid announced that A was in trouble. Apparently, the teacher HAD realized what was going on and had contacted A’s parents. (I loved the cover.) From what was said after it by all the other kids, it appeared that the teacher had taken the initiative. He was, believe me, quite happy to get the public credit. I could tell from the timing though that he did not contact the parents immediately. Moreover, the kid did not get the kind of punishment they would have gotten had he turned them in right then. </p>

<p>I am better friends with B’s mom than A’s and she had told me about the confrontation between B and A. B’s mom told me A’s mom had apologized to B’s mom profusely. She also said that “someone else” had raised similar concerns and said that her kid was intoxicated in __ class. They’d talked to the teacher and he said he was glad they asked because he was pretty sure A had been drinking, but with no way to prove it he had been very reluctant to contact them. But, yes, something had happened on that date in his class and he suspected that at least two of the kids had been under the influence. </p>

<p>BTW, nothing happened to the other kid. I didn’t contact her parents because I didn’t know them. I knew that A’s parents had already had one indirect warning and I hoped that would make them more receptive to my message. But I gather that even when these parents came forward and talked to the teacher, the teacher didn’t feel he had strong enough proof to go to the other kid’s parents. </p>

<p>I think the odds are high that the kid who called the OP is a good kid who is worried about a friend. Assume that the allegations are true, just for a moment. If they are, the OP’s S is going to focus a lot of effort on figuring out who the “snitch” is. I woulnd’t want to be the snitch if he figures it out. If he does, the “snitch” is unlikely to put his neck out again. </p>

<p>So, don’t mention the call to the kid.</p>

96

<p>Jonri, that was quite a tale, that I almost followed.</p>

<p>I am correct in assuming you are an adult?</p>

<p>Why would you send an anonymous letter?</p>

<p>From that first anonymous letter I find the rest of the story doesn’t logically follow.</p>

<p>Because you, an adult had a bad experience because you were dishonest, the OP is to behave in a deceptive manner with her situation?</p>

97

<p>Salvia isn’t a “new” drug, nor has it been recently discovered.</p>

<p>[Salvia</a> divinorum - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diviner’s_sage]Salvia”>Salvia divinorum - Wikipedia)</p>

<p>It’s a member of the mint family.</p>

<p>Parents probably won’t be assuaged by the fact that Native American shamans used it for their religious visions though. (A bit like tobacco – smoked at high enough [toxic] doses, tobacco becomes hallucinogenic.)</p>

<p>But unlike other drugs, it uses a unique pathway (that is, unlike other drugs which are part of other chemical families) that apparently is “not generally understood to be toxic or addictive. As a κ-opioid agonist, it may have potential as an analgesic and as therapy for drug addictions.”</p>

<p>The harm, I suppose, comes more from the potentially stupid things you could do while impaired. But AFAIK (not first-hand knowledge though ;)) the effects last only for a few minutes.</p>

98

<p>In answer to #95. </p>

<p>Yes, I am an adult. </p>

<p>I sent an anonymous letter because when another parent tried to tell the same parents that their son was going to parties where beer was being served, the parents confronted the boy saying “B’s mom says B told her that there was drinking at the party you went to.” When they did, their son not only vehemently denied it (and it was true), he blew up at B for being a tattle tale. They had been close friends and B was very upset by the confrontation. B then blew up at her own mom for sharing information she had told her mom, i.e., there was drinking at the parties hosted by a classmate. </p>

<p>I thought the parents ought to know that things had progressed to the point where there son was bringing a group of kids home to drink at their house during the school lunch hour. I did not, however, want the parents to say that they found out from me and I had been told by my kid. I felt that if they did, their son would blow up at MY kid and MY kid would be angry at me for telling his parents. So, I did it anonymously. Because I gave details about their son’s behavior in school, instead of just asking their son, the parents contacted the teacher and asked if something had happened in class on the day I specified. He told them it had. </p>

<p>I didn’t do anything at all dishonest. Nor did I have a bad experience. Indeed, it was a good experience. </p>

<p>I am not suggesting that the OP do anything dishonest. I am saying that IF IT IS TRUE, the kid who called the OP stuck his neck out trying to help someone. If the OP confronts her kid, the kid may well deny the accusations. However, if they are true he will probably try to figure out who called the OP and retaliate against the “tattle tale.” So, I don’t think the OP should mention the call to her son. I don’t think failing to tell her son about the call is “dishonest.”</p>

99

<p>OOPS–post above should say in answer to post 96. (Too late to edit.)</p>

100

<p>Parents have to make the call as to how to handle such situations. It truly depends on the kids that you have. In my particular case, I know that my kids are capable of making poor decisions, and would not be upfront about them if asked. They also are not so deeply in illicit or risky behaviors that it right out there for me to see. I keep my eyes open to make sure that things don’t go over the line, and constantly remind them of the risks and dangers of drinking, drugs, other such contraband. I do some snooping, particularly if the suspicions are there. I wish that they had the good sense and caution to exercise good judgment but I know they do not. If I see some “flags”, I call it to their attention, to rein in the behavior, remind them of the risks.<br>
I would mention the call. We are a family, and I think each member should know what is being said , what is happening. I would not say something immediately, as I think this does take some thinking as to approach, and for me to clearly think through the course of action. I think it is important that a kid knows about this, because it just might be an important piece of info that fits in with other things happening in his life. I would make every effort to keep the entire thing low key, and to have investigated the truth of the claim when talking to him about this.</p>