<p>There are plenty of wonderful families in our area. We have a very good drug education program in our schools. Yet, drugs/alcohol are a big problem. You can listen and talk, but for some kids you do need to drug test. Others will learn only the hard way, but you just pray that it won’t mean physical injury to your child, someone else, or even death. I have seen kids getting “busted”, as MOWC put it, and they have wonderful families who do not approve of illegal behavior and do not send mixed messages. Fortunately, nobody has been killed, but one child has gone to the hospital. Oh, and for the kids who have been busted by authorities, it is too early to tell, but I do think that they have finally learned their lesson. Having your driver’s license revoked, needing to confess to mom and dad, needing to face your high school principal or GC, going to drug classes, doing community service, paying fines and legal fees can have that effect. It becomes painful, and for some that is what it takes.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the responses, but if it was my child, the first second I saw him or her after receiving this phone call, I would have relayed the conversation to the child in a very non-confrontational manner. Then I would have sat and said nothing, and waited for the child to respond. </p>
<p>Depending upon the child’s response, I would then decide how to procede, especially with regards to the GC. I would expect if the GC had been informed, the GC would have contacted you. Issues of confidentiality, defamation of character, libel and slander are involved.</p>
<p>I might also consult with an attorney before doing anything. I would be concerned with whom else this anonymous caller would be sharing the information. If I was positive the information was false, I would notify the police.</p>
<p>I would take this seriously. It sounds like a caring friend who is witnessing behavior they find alarming. As another poster said, I would carefully watch your son’s behavior and then decide the appropriate action. If you sit down and ask him about it most kids will lie and deny.</p>
<p>^^ And boy are they GOOD at the lying and denying. Many, many years ago a friend and I had a talk with another parent about her son’s drug issues- we had the text messages to back up what we were telling her. She got furious at us and never spoke to us again. Her son wound up in serious legal trouble and also had some very dangerous people after him.</p>
<p>My brother abused drugs & alcohol in high school (along with selling, too). Our family was totally clueless. However, with hindsight being 20/20 as it so often is, we can see that we SHOULD have known. We wondered why no one ever told us. We might have reacted like the OP, unsure if it was really true. BUT … we would have watched him with a more critical eye, and we might have actually connected the dots that were right before our eyes.</p>
<p>I think this info is important. What OP chooses to do with it is her call, but at the very least her eyes are open a bit wider. Keep watching. </p>
<p>And like mini says … you should never stop talking to your kid. Even if the kid lies like a rug, as my brother did … but it is still what <em>should</em> be done.</p>
<h1>63-#64 - #65 - What proof do you have that a child will usually/always lie if confronted about drug and alcohol use? Statistics from reliable source?</h1>
<p>Perhaps a child who had been treated with distrust his whole life will lie.</p>
<p>It isn’t that hard to observe if your child is under the influence of something.</p>
<p>The easiest, most honest, and quickest way is to ask your child. If you think he is lying, than you can intervene. Watching is only a waste of time, if you feel it needs immediate action.</p>
<p>And remember, an anonymous person is spreading possibly untrue rumors about your child that need stopping. </p>
<p>Why would you believe a stranger with no integrity to identify himself while making serious accusations, instead of your own child?</p>
<p>^^ I have a very large bridge you might be interested in buying.</p>
<ol>
<li> Do you really think a kid (or adult) would NOT usually lie to try to get out of the problem? They don’t want to admit this behavior to their parents or school officials. Who would?</li>
<li> It isn’t always easy to know if your child is smoking pot or drinking. You may not observe this at ALL. It happens all the time.</li>
<li> An anonymous stranger called with some information- it may or may not be true, but I sure would want to find out.</li>
</ol>
<p>I would sit my child down and be honest, tell them about the phone call. See their reaction. I would be suspicious of the call, no name or specific details to a place and time.</p>
<p>I also believe if they had first hand info you would have had details, and second hand or third hand info is not the best way to confront your child. </p>
<p>DO NOT CALL GUIDANCE!</p>
<p>To the OP, I would not call the GC. Unfortunately, in this day and age of “Zero Tolerance” policies and other “brightline” rules, most public schools have institutional interests when it comes to drugs and alcohol that are inconsistent with the best interests of the student. If the caller spoke to the GC, then the GC would probably have called you. Calling the GC will serve only to put your kid on the school’s radar screen regardless of the truth. Focus on communicating with your kid directly.</p>
<p>I can tell you that an anonymous friend turned the HS counselors on to my daughter (we found out who shortly thereafter) and her emerging bulimia. We were ever so grateful. They had a big falling out a year or so later over a totally unrelated issue but to this day we still thank the lucky stars she was bold enough to do it.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to equate it to drug use but there are kids out there mature enough to do such a thing.</p>
<p>I did not suggest calling the GC in either of my two posts re to this issue.</p>
<p>Not all kids lie. I do this type of work for a living.</p>
<p>But now, I am rushing off to see Oprah give my son’s graduation speach.</p>
<p>And cheer as my son gets his graduate degree.</p>
<p>Hope we have nice weather!</p>
<p>If it is the Golden Gate Bridge, MOWC, talk to me!</p>
<p>My approach assumes that (based on the data), the youth - offspring of wonderful, caring, loving, involved parents - is using. That’s what the data says is most likely. (And that includes likely the majority of sons and daughters of folks on this list.) Most probably, it is less likely that a youth is lying than that s/he is using.</p>
<p>So the question is not whether you need to determine whether they are using (because I assume they are), but what your desired outcome is. My desired outcome is that risks be limited. It is not likely I would be able to turn my kid into a total abstainer once s/he started to use, so that’s something on which I’d hardly waste my breath. As for drug testing, I’ve already assumed the result.</p>
<p>Latetoschool, I don’t know why you think it is suspicious that the anonymous caller had the OP’s phone number: most people are in the phone book, and since the OP’s kid attend a private school, there is probably a directory in which even those with unlisted numbers are included.</p>
<p>This call sounds real to me, although whether the caller saw the OP’s kid drink one beer or saw him regularly drinking to the point of passing out remains unclear. </p>
<p>Contacting the GC is obviously out, since there is more than one GC and the caller’s GC is male while the OP’s kid’s is female. Also, what purpose would it serve? The GC has no idea whether the story is accurate.</p>
<p>I absolutely cannot imagine drug-testing anyone without their knowledge. That is such a violation of privacy and trust…it leaves me almost speechless.</p>
<p>I agree with mini: what is the goal here? Realistically, the OP’s kid is likely to drink or do some kind of drugs before he is 21, even if he hasn’t done so to date. I don’t <em>think</em> my S has, but I expect that he will at some point in college. My hope is that any indulgence is held to a low-to-moderate level. I also hope that he refrains from behaviors that are life-threatening and addictive: heroin, anything injected, cocaine, and that he never drives under the influence or gets into a car with a driver who has indulged. If he drinks a few beers in the course of an evening and walks home, thats one thing. If he pounds down six drinks in an hour and passes out or has to be treated for alcohol poisoning, that’s another. If he smokes pot with friends on Saturday night and walks home, that’s one thing. If he spends many hours alone in his room stoned or uses heroin, that’s another.</p>
<p>I would sit him down and calmly tell him about the call. I would not indicate that I believe it or disbelieve it. I would sit there and wait to hear what he has to say, without asking questions. I would then try to convey to him my hopes for how he will approach his inevitable exposure to drinking and drugging. (In my S’s case, I already have. This thread reminds me that I need to talk to–no, <em>with</em>– him again.)</p>
<p>Lastly, when I was in HS a librarian called my mother and told her that I had been putting overdue books back on the library shelves without checking them in. This was completely false. What had happened was that I had given two library books–plays-- to a fellow student who wanted to read them with the understanding that she would return the books. SHE was the one who did it. I have never ceased to be grateful that my mother told me about the call very dispassionately, and did not accuse me or assume my guilt.</p>
<p>Sevenhills, since I am the author of one of the posts you questioned … I will address the lying thing. My brother was an amazingly skilled liar. It was what allowed him to become the addict he was & keep it from us. He was able to redirect any questions we might have had in order to keep us from figuring out what was really going on. He was able to steal our things & pawn them off … and somehow manipulate us into thinking we had misplaced them. He truly was an excellent liar, raising it to an art form. When the proverbial stuff hit the fan, my parents joined Families Anonymous. They found that many other families were duped by members who were awesome liars. This skill is what allowed them to abuse & not be found out. Do not assume that everyone is always able to see what is going on … it doesn’t always work that way, even for people who are not <em>ignorant</em>.</p>
<p>I do not advocate jumping to the conclusion that a kid is lying based on an anonymous phone call. I do, however, think the parents would be wise to go back over everything that has happened recently with a keener eye. They should watch what happens in the future with a keener eye. It may save a life. While my brother has been substance free for many years & has rebuilt his life, part of his life is “dead.” He wasted his education, lost a wife, missed out on many things in his daughter’s life, and will not live as long as he otherwise might have (he is a juvenile diabetic & the years of abuse took a toll). If this young man’s parents look at things differently from now on, it won’t hurt him … but it MIGHT just save him a lot of heartache.</p>
<p>As a teen, I don’t belong on the parent’s forum, but…
Just because a call is anonymous doesn’t mean that it should be dismissed as a prank, as other posters have said. I don’t think that it is unlikely that a friend, close or not, would call a parent to warn them of a problem with substance use/abuse. Plus, it doesn’t take a close friend to recognize or witness substance use. I have many friends who use drugs or drink heavily, and most of their parents have no idea. While a kid might still do well in school and appear to be drug free, that isn’t always the case.</p>
<p>Of course, it isn’t good to accuse your kid of using drugs or drinking alcohol, but it’s worth investigating. I really don’t think that you should mention the call to your son, but paying closer attention or a little harmless, unnoticeable snooping wouldn’t do any harm.</p>
<p>Okay, lets say that we do as mini says, and assume a positive drug result. Seems to me that that consequences have to be there to limit the risks if that is to be the goal. Mini, feels that you could no longer expect them to totally abstain. You don’t want a sad outcome like one in kelsmom’s family. I would think that some consequence that hurts could turn kids around (ie: taking away driving privileges for a period of time for that hs senior, no senior prom, no senior trip, or whatever will sting enough to teach a lesson). If you don’t drug test or catch your kid, you could not punish. Do you wait for an accident, a call from an ER, the police, etc? I don’t get it. I am assuming the child has already heard many of the perils of drinking and driving, taking illegal drugs. What is more talk going to do by itself? I think that consequences have to be there, and hopefully before someone pays with their life.</p>
<p>I am not opposed to consequences. You are the parent and hence expected to act like one. But most of the time, you aren’t going to “catch” them anyway - we have survey after survey proving that parents are, in the main, clueless as to what their teenagers are doing. Doesn’t matter, though. Assume they are using (the majority are), and then go from there.</p>
<p>Talk is not a lecture, but a dialogue. All successful drug prevention, intervention, AND treatment is based on talk. More talk. Always more. And that’s why it works.</p>
<p>I understand about not lecturing, but having a back and forth verbal exchange/conversation. I don’t understand that one should assume drug use, yet do nothing but talk and listen. Isn’t this just waiting for a bigger problem, like the one in Kelsmom’s family? If I really suspected drug and alchohol use in high school, I would want to drug test because it seems like the only tool to “catch” the kid (other than perhaps finding liters of booze in his/her closet, or drugs in their bedroom, or worse yet, in their car), so I could punish for the behavior.</p>
<p>So Mini, let me get this straight: Your daughters use drugs, and all you do is engage in an open dialogue with them?</p>
<p>I assume they do. (Just as I assume your kids do.) I know my older one (just graduated from college) has, because we’ve talked about it. I also know that when she was in 15 and on an informal class trip with fellow students from Evergreen (there was skinnydipping at a hot springs), she was offered both marijuana and beer, and turned it down. My younger one has drunk wine with dinner with her friends in another family, at 15 or 16. I doubt that she uses because she has been “terrorized” by talks with a good friend who is a member of Narcotics Anonymous, and lost some mobility in a motorcycle accident while using. But I wouldn’t treat her any differently if I knew she had.</p>
<p>I started giving them the bi-yearly drinking-and-driving speech when they were ten. I made it clear that we would pick them up, anywhere and at any time, and without “consequences” rather than they get in the car with someone who had been drinking. My wife and I have been open about our drug and alcohol histories as teenagers, and talked with them early, primarily using the model I posted in “Start Talking Now”. (I note that the approach, or at least the talks, I used might have been different if we had a different genetic history.) They also know what I do for a living, and that likely a majority of my coworkers have an alcoholism or addiction history. </p>
<p>Thing is - I trust my kids. I brought 'em up. Do I think they tell me everything? Well, I hope not! 
Will they make mistakes? Why sure, they’re kids. I don’t feel a “need” to “catch 'em”. Talking gives me the opportunity to share the fruits of my experience, but also the opportunity to make it clear that mine is not the only experience out there. They have some of their own. I’ve helped them learn to make good decisions, and I hope they make some bad but not life-threatening ones now, so they don’t end up making 'em in their mid-to-late 20s!</p>
<p>“All I do is engage in an open dialogue with them?” You bet. When it comes to teenagers these days, it is amazing to me how rare that is!</p>