<p>Don’t you just hate it when your child gets disappointing news, and there is nothing that you can do about it? For me, it is just the worst feeling. I have one child left at home, a junior in hs. I’ve been dealing with children and their disappointments for many years, but it is especially hard for me with this one. Maybe that is because she is the baby of the family. Do any of you find yourself in this situation? How do you deal with it?</p>
<p>It is so difficult. My heart just aches, luckily so far my son has taken these things better than I have. With him, I ask what I can do to help, stay available, listen when he wants to talk and respect when he does not want to to talk. I</p>
<p>am not looking forward to the day when his pain is overwhelming, although I know it’s coming as it does for us all eventually. </p>
<p>Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I do admire the ability of so many kids to get over (or beyond) their disappointment. This year there was one senior boy who tried out for all region choir and didn’t make it (he’d made it the year before). He drove by himself quite a distance to attend the concert in support of the kids who did make it. That impressed me so much!</p>
<p>There were a couple of students who had to drop out of the musical this year because they didn’t make grades. Once again, it impressed me so much to see them in the audience.</p>
<p>A couple of years ago, my gymnast daughter came in last at state - as in 36 out of 36, and they announce it, so everyone knows. If she had cried, I’d have sobbed. But she held it together. As it turned out, Carly Patterson was there to sign autographs after the meet, so all was right with the world! I just had to keep my mouth shut - I was traumatized by the outcome for days and days and D was thrilled to have Carly’s autograph.</p>
<p>The disappointments have an upside, as this is where character is frequently formed. My proudest moments with D have come about as I have seen her deal with disappointments with grace and class and shown what a fantastic person she is. That said, it has been painful for both of us at times.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s awful. But heartbreak is even worse than disappointment. My DD’s best friend – a girl with whom DD grew up, whose home was DD’s second home – was killed, along with the rest of her family, in a terrible car accident. For DD the heartbreak was enormous, permanent, and there was nothing I could do to aleviate it. That was truly a painful time for me, as her mom.</p>
<p>I do not like it when parents minimize the emotions of their kids, for example when a kid is sad that they did not get into University A, pointing out that Suzy was killed in a fiery wreck and cannot go to college at all, but I think somehow a parent can provide perspective. I am not good at this…can somebody weigh in on how to be constructive and acknowledging disappointment, while still maintaining perspective?</p>
<p>Maybe it is two conversations…I don’t know.</p>
<p>Wow. I’d be saying: “YOU are going to STATE!!!” Just being there is terrific. The kid probably held it together because she knew that at that level everybody is basically outstanding and some folks have a good day and some folks have a bad day. A week later and the order would be different and she knows it. </p>
<p>I think we help kids with their disappointment by telling tales of our own. Knowing that you were heartbroken/devastated/crushed but managed to shoulder on (even if that is “eventually”) helps them see the horizon. Obviously you are no longer sobbing on the sofa. That helps.</p>
<p>you mommies are so awwwwww</p>
<p>kisses to you :)</p>
<p>I guess this is one of the upsides of having had the kids weather a LOT of adversity. They are very resiliant and tend to bounce back – probably better than I do from their lumps & bumps. They do remember some pretty sad and awful times, so it helps them keep things in perspective.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it’s the kids who have rarely ever experienced tough times that have it the hardest trying to “get over” things and “take them in stride.”</p>
<p>I know what you mean, Mombot. My daughter lost out on something that she really wanted and thought she “deserved.” I told her that she can now relate to millions of Americans who, because of the economic downturn, have lost their jobs thru no fault of their own. She did not like this at all, but I think it is important to look at things in perspective.</p>
<p>“I am not good at this…can somebody weigh in on how to be constructive and acknowledging disappointment, while still maintaining perspective?”</p>
<p>I think it’s important to acknowledge their disappointment first, and not immediately follow up with the perspective. Lots of time people gain perspective on their own if you just wait a few days. If one tries to offer it when they’re still deep in disappointment, they can feel like you aren’t acknowledging their feelings, and that can add to their disappointment .</p>
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<p>I agree that you should keep the apples with the apples. It’s demeaning to the kid to be told to be glad they’re alive … they know that…the folks who are getting laid off know that it’s better than a terminal disease, but they’re still quite entitled to be upset.</p>
<p>I just believe in being there if they want to talk but mostly not talking when they don’t want to talk. Last year something happened that so unhinged my son that I made him ride in the car with me while I did errands because I didn’t want him to be alone, but that’s the only time that has happened.</p>
<p>I agree that empathetically acknowledging a disappointment or hurt is important. Then give the kid time to let the entire range of emotions, etc. sink in and develop a while. Kid’s are pretty resiliant, especially the ones given time to reach conclusions and solve problems on their own (with loving guidance from mom/dad.) </p>
<p>There are so many parents that want to “fix” everything, from interpersonal problems with their friends, teams they don’t make, “A’s” they think their child should have gotten. The whole “helicopter” parent thing at schools is real. Parents will call and try to resolve their kid’s class schedule. It’s really not doing the kid a favor.</p>
<p>“Dealing with disappointments” and life’s difficulties is the process of maturing. If they don’t learn that disappointment is inevitable for us all, they will be woefully unprepared for life.</p>
<p>Clarification: I really didn’t mean to minimize disappointment, and my apologies if what I wrote seemed that way. You’re right, these are probably two different discussions. I wouldn’t tell a kid to keep things in perspective when dealing with a deep disappointment because hurt is hurt whether it’s temporary or not. Rather, I meant to suggest that there will come a time when YOU AS A PARENT are likely to suffer even greater hurt on your child’s behalf than when she/he is disappointed over a school rejection. That they will get over - though it’s not necessarily what you should tell them.</p>
<p>From a neighboring school district (name redacted) three years ago:</p>
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</p>
<p>I was waiting to read that the school board decided to eliminate the cheerleading program.</p>
<p>But seriously, many parents deal with their children’s disappointments or their own by blaming someone else.</p>
<p>Yeah, it’s hard to think of an instance in which I would become involved. However, a couple of years ago, they accidentally left a girl’s name off the list when they posted the results of the middle school dance auditions. I guess if the results are truly shocking, it’s worth a follow up.</p>
<p>There are a wide range of disappointments…from not getting selected for something like cheerleading, to college, to not getting a date for some event. I think parents provide context in all cases…without minimizing the issue. I approach this by helping my kids put their disappointments in perspective. Sometimes it’s the sudden shock of a disappointment that they have to deal with rather than the long term impact. Harvard didn’t accept me but Yale did, I wasn’t selected for Drum Major but I was selected for Brass Captain. With so much talk about depression in our children, I think it’s very valuable for them to understand and count their blessings, not dwell on the coulda-shoulda-woulda.</p>
<p>My response to the OP’s question (which I l left out of previous input): </p>
<p>I’ve found it is much harder than I could ever have known to watch my children learn things though the “school of hard knocks”. Sure, some of it’s easy, but when they suffer a disappointment, no matter how bitter - or seemingly small…it does hurt my heart. It starts small when they are not invited to a party they want to go to, or a group of friends does something and leaves them out, or they don’t make the cheerleading squad. Soon it’s college disappointments, etc. College developments, especially, are so fraught with emotion & stress. </p>
<p>The only way to handle it… is just to handlle it. Give the advice you feel, along with a hug and kiss, and let your child learn & grow up. I think “stepping back” as a parent and letting your kid feel hurt or disappointment is one of the hardest things to do. But so, so important for them to be able to stand on their own two feet.</p>
<p>Has this thread made anyone think back to their own childhood disappointments? I know I had plenty - I was the pathetic little thing showing up for cheerleader tryouts even though I couldn’t even do a cartwheel…The girl with the marginal voice at singing auditions. Should my parents have gently told me that I didn’t stand a chance at these things?</p>