<p>Wow, missypie - your parents should have given you a great big smile and told you you had GUTS! Having courage to take a chance is more admirable than being able to do a cartwheel 
Most people don’t have it! </p>
<p>I’ve often told my kids “give it a try…what do you really have to lose? You might be disappointed if you don’t get “it” but so what…at least you tried!”</p>
<p>Perspective - My mom always told me that “There will always be people better off than you, and people worse off then you”. A lesson that no matter how hard you try to keep up with the “Jones’s”, you will never catch up,and no matter how bad things are, they can always be worse. Try your best to be happy with what you have in the here and now. Life just isn’t fair, and I think one of the biggest disservices we can do our children is not gently helping them learn to cope with that reality.
D is my cherished only child, and I would gladly suffer any pain to spare her from it, as I am sure we all would. Sadly we can’t. Bad things can and do happen. All we can do is be there for them, mourn whatever the loss is with them, and help them move on to the positive things in their life.</p>
<p>Yes, it is somehow worse to see the disappointment of your child than your own. I think that as a girl, I did not even hear the things that people said to me to try to help me feel better. The two really good examples of advice in this area that I recall came to me when I was in my 20’s and 30’s from my mother and mother in law. My MIL is a survivor of WWII, and she once said “Well they didn’t send you to the left side of the concentration camp” (this was the side for those to be killed.) Of course it showed alot about how she thought of things, but it did make me realize that the fight I had had with my boss that day was nothing really. In law school, many people had received a call that they made law review, and I did not (yet- it did eventually come), I called my parents in tears. My mother said “does that mean you can’t be a lawyer?” It made me stop and think. Of course, when the news was later good, I was happy, but I remember her words so many years later.</p>
<p>To my own D, I try to tell her that these things are growth experiences. Getting a tougher skin is good. Disappointments are part of growing up (and just living.) I see her growing from some things that turned out less than satisfactorily. Of course we would rather celebrate the good times, but life is not just good times. No matter how green someone else’s grass looks, it is not better than your own life with its ups and downs.</p>
<p>What is hard is the fact that child number one who is a freshman in college never had any major disappointments. He is one of those kids that wins every award and is chosen for every contest, etc. He is still doing this in college. The second child who is a junior in high school is now having to deal with reality and that most people only win some of the time. Last week she had a major disappointment on not being selected for an excellent internship at a local hospital. 330 kids applied. She made the first cut of 7 kids but did get one of the three spots. It is a hard lesson that we all must learn that most of us will be turned down for many opportunities and so we have to accept these rejections and go try again. She is learning and has her application out with some other internships.</p>
<p>I can totally understand. Last night my S came away with a ton of academic awards (He won several in his jr year, too). The department awards for Math (AP Calc BC,) Foreign Language (AP Latin), and Science (AP Physics). This from a strong private school. Yet, he did not get into what we (and his college counselor) thought were target schools. He is one of those kids that did nothing wrong, but applied to an impacted major (engineering).</p>
<p>It’s so hard. I want to blame everyone! But, we just tell him that he’s not alone and that the education he has received will help him so much when he gets to college.<br>
But it is hard.</p>
<p>There is a good book " Blessing of a skinned knee" . I read it when they were young I am going to re-read. someone said to me recently"Make it good, and move on" good advice.</p>
<p>I love the song “Letter to Me” by Brad Paisley. Makes me cry.</p>
<p>“What is hard is the fact that child number one who is a freshman in college never had any major disappointments. He is one of those kids that wins every award and is chosen for every contest, etc. He is still doing this in college.”</p>
<p>What is hard is that at some point in his life, he will encounter disappointment, and it will be far more difficult for him to cope with than disappointments will be for people his age who’ve experienced disappointments. I’m much more concerned about college students like this than about those who’ve encountered disappointments as part of growing up. </p>
<p>Disappointments are an inevitable part of life. Encountering them brings resilience.</p>
<p>Well, it depends on what kind of disspointments. In regard to colleges, it is easy. D. just make a list, ranked it and went happily to #2 when she did not get into #1. We did not care too much since financially she was all set getting huge Merit awards at every place (including #1 where she got into college, but was rejected from the program). If dissapontments are social, then it is much harder. They require a lot of input from parents and a lot of time to heal.</p>
<p>Interesting my D dealt with most social dissapointments in Middle school. HS does not seem to affect her. It was the colleges that threw her - for two weeks. Now she is off and running and highly invested in the school she has decided on now. She actually said that when she took a good look at the school she chose, it was perfect for her. Each dissapointment teaches you to learn new perspective. MOM2J- For parents it can be so hard as we hurt for our kids. Rejection is hard , socially, academically, especially hard to deal with when you are deserving and there doesn’t seem to be a reason. I think it is hard to face that no matter what you do you , you don’t always have control.</p>
<p>I used to feel this way all the time with D#1. Great, well-rounded kid, but no major awards, starring roles, varsity sports – none of those external things by which we and the kids measure success. “Just believe it, and you can be it!” – blah, humbug!!<br>
I guess I acknowledged her disappointment, told my own stories, and really tried to persistently point out her strengths to her – her sense of humor, her incredible grasp of the big picture, her "with-it"ness, and adventurousness. “See? You’ve traveled by yourself, navigated yourself around major cities while your friends get lost going to Target . . .” that kind of stuff.
Just recently, she landed a really great summer job for this summer (the one after her freshman year in college), and I did think, Finally! Something she can “point to” came through for her!</p>
<p>missypie – LOL on your article!</p>
<p>Interesting sidenote – just went to younger D’s NHS induction ceremony. The officer talking about leadership first mentioned varsity captainships, club presidencies, etc. but went on to say that those of you who don’t have those things are still “subtle leaders” in your impact on others. LOL – the kids weren’t buying it!</p>
<p>So, drill team officer tryouts were Saturday - not just for our HS, but for lots of schools in the area. Of our candidates, 5 had good news and 13 had bad news. Most of these girls dance in private dance companies and a whole lot of them had a competition Saturday night. Once again I was so impressed by the resiliance and toughness of these girls…three hours after good news or bad, on stage dancing, competing for the next thing, in some companies girls who made officer dancing alongside girls who didn’t, all hugging each other and simply being great.</p>
<p>downtoearth, "no matter what you do you , you don’t always have control. " - extremely useful notion. I have repeated it to my D. many times pointing out at the same time, that without trying very hard, she for sure will get nowhere. Basically, control what you can and do not get hooked on what you cannot, just move on to your best AVAILABLE to you option.</p>
<p>Missypie-your post reminded me of the days when my kids were little and played sports…if they lost they would be a little disappointed, but in the end it was all about the snacks!</p>
<p>Man, is this timely! My son is in the middle of tryouts for three competitive soccer terms, and it’s not looking good! He has played for more than 10 years now, and faced disappointment before, but it still seems very hard.I think he is beginning to see the writing on the wall, so I hope we can more toward the end of this process.</p>
<p>Missypie, I think it was your story that reminded me of mine. My mom trotted me around to all sorts of hopeless tryouts in New York, when I was growing up. What I remember most, was there was always dinner at a fancy restaurant to follow! I especially remember trying out for a ballet company ( or was it an orchestra at Carnegie Hall? ) , followed by The Russian tearoom!</p>
<p>My kids have in different ways had some serious trials and tribulations that should help put failures to win prizes or get into college #1 into perspective. I think the history helps but certainly is not dispositive. My daughter lost most of her vision and was pretty close to legally blind for about three years. There were a number of things she couldn’t do. With great doctors, aggressive and educated parents as consumers of medical care, and a huge amount of physically painful work on her part, she recovered her vision. She now cries if her parents intimate that it might be possible that she has handled something badly with one of her teachers. Interestingly, she did well in one of the hardest to get into private schools in the Boston area during the last two of those three years. What’s a little bit of school or parental disapproval compared to not being able to see?</p>
<p>Her brother has significant learning disabilities. One psychologist who saw his test results said to me, “We call that severely gifted. I’d hate to have to live in that body.” Reading and writing were physically painful to him; at first he just couldn’t do them. With lots of hard work, and lots of failures, he learned to pick himself up when he fell down and try again another way. He doesn’t show it but he told a friend that he was really stressed by waiting to hear from colleges and waiting to choose from the colleges that admitted him. I suppose he’d worked hard all of his school life to get to the point that he could show how smart he was using reading and writing. He is completing a novel the theme of which is, at one level, overcoming adversity and I think it is the theme of his life. I have never seen such determination as when his HS Honors chemistry teacher wondered whether he could handle the work load (even though she was sure he could handle the concepts). By the end, he was a candidate at elite colleges, and I was worried that he would be really disappointed if he didn’t get in and that they might not accept him due to his voluntary disclosure of learning disabilities. Both parents told him that he’d do great in the world wherever he got in and that if he didn’t get in to the elite schools, we would be just as proud of him – though we’d think the schools were stupid. He got WL at his first choice, but got in at choices 2 and 3, so the story is going well, but there will be future bumps in the road.</p>
<p>Both kids have lived with what I would think are major difficulties. (They’ve done so, albeit in the context of a supportive, affluent family that is capable of helping solve problems that might go unsolved for others). In one’s case, small disappointments loom large. In the other case, I don’t know. He may well have learned that he can fail and pick himself up and try again and if so, that knowledge will be a blessing.</p>
<p>I was cut from Varsity cheerleading and lost election for student council president my senior yr. I worked harder & was voted homecoming queen. Disappointment is a good lesson.</p>
<p>My S was recently DQ from a regional battle of band contest-- they didn’t remember or review the rules-- no cover songs allowed. They would have won. Big lesson to take thing seriously. Aggravating as heck b/c their was expense (my $130) involved but big lesson.</p>
<p>Better now than when college tuition, morgagtes, jobs are at stake.</p>
<p>Lots of good points here about going on after a setback. That said, when a child never (and I do mean Never) catches a break, there is a point where it gets harder to see the positive. As much as adversity can be useful, everyone needs to have their day.</p>
<p>“everyone needs to have their day”</p>
<p>I just texted “your day will come”!!! Hope it’s true…</p>
<p>My D was a serious pre-professional ballet dancer for many years. Because she was part of a world where only 1 or 2 people get the leading roles, she learned how to handle not always being the “winner”. It has served her well in life although she’s had mostly successes academically. But she became very philosophical about not being cast in the parts she sometimes thought she should have. </p>
<p>I really think the kids who have to try-out for things, whether it’s the performing arts or sports, do learn some very valuable lessons. There will always be somebody better at anything, and it helps temper your dreams with a little reality. Not necessarily a bad thing at all.</p>