Dealing with Favoritism by Grandparents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I know this isn’t a family counselling forum, but I’m throwing this situation out there anyway to see if I can get any helpful feedback… thanks in advance.</p>

<p>D1 is a HS jr. and we’re starting the whole college dance. D1 is very driven, has great stats, and dreams of going to a top tier college. D1’s GP’s, my ex-in-laws, are wealthy (I’m not) and in the past have vaguely offered to “help” with D1’s college expenses. The problem is that I also have D2 and D3. GP’s have always shown overt favoritism towards D1, which has created family friction for years, exacerbated by a complicated divorce and its fallout, including the fact that mom (my ex) has now left the area and no longer communicates with the GP’s, who live near me. I have custody and hence deal with GP’s on a regular basis. We get along o.k., but it’s a fragile peace.</p>

<p>I recently brought up the subject of D1’s college finances with GP’s to try to pin down some specifics. They offered to split the cost for D1 with me 50/50 (whoopedy doo - they could easily write a check for a 4-year Ivy education without even putting a dent in their bank account). I asked if they would also help with D2 and D3 when the time comes because I have to worry about all three. They went off on D2 and D3 as usual and refused to make any commitment. I drew a line in the sand, saying that if they would not commit to helping D2 and D3 to the same extent as D1, then I would not allow them to help D1. D1 will just have to go to State U on my dime. This ended the conversation.</p>

<p>Now I am worried about explaining to D1 that she may have to give up her dream and go to State U because of GP’s refusal to help her sisters. Will she blame them for not being able to attend her dream school after all her hard work? Will she blame me? Am I doing the right thing? Or should I just let GP’s help D1 and hope they will also help D2 and D3 when the time comes? Will D2 and D3 end up hating me if I allow GP’s to help D1 and she ends up going to dream school and they end up going to State U?</p>

2

<p>Hi Dad, sounds like a rough spot to be in. Your concern for all your Ds comes through loud and clear, and they are fortunate to have such a caring parent.</p>

<p>My immediate thought is that since D1 is the very first one to apply to college, your family might be best served by not approaching anything with hard-and-fast rules. It isn’t really agreeable to tell GPs not to give $ unless they do it on your terms. Making a specific financial commitment for the future (assuming your Ds are spaced in years, this might be over a period of several years) is a lot to ask.</p>

<p>Our kids’ GPs give them the tuition for a private high school, but each time a kid is about to enter, we don’t assume they will be able / willing to take on another. So far we are halfway through #2 kid, #1 is graduating this year, we have three more to go. But the burden is ours, not theirs. Their generosity is most welcome! However, no matter how rich they are, we don’t take their offer for granted.</p>

<p>Your D1 might be in the best position to receive merit aid. Or, she might get into a really top-notch school where financial aid is guaranteed, who knows? You should use a mixed strategy if money is an issue. Folks here are experts on this. She could, say, apply to 3 or 4 schools where she has a decent shot at accceptance, and which offer to meet 100% costs. (Yes this is a thorny topic and it varies HUGELY but using a net price calc this can be done). She can also look at schools where she would be offered significant merit money. Often these grants are also indicated on college websites by standard guideline (SAT scores, GPAs.) There is no guarantee until you get the fin aid package but still this will give you an idea.</p>

<p>Then there are 2 – minimum – safeties which she can both a) get into and b) afford to attend.</p>

<p>It sounds like you might have pushed your in-laws too hard (sorry to say this but you asked :). Why not apologize and explain that you are feeling the pressure of realizing how expensive this is all going to be (hint, hint). Do not ask for specific numbers…yet. Keep them updated after college visits. Do net price calculators everywhere she may apply and figure out how much it will cost you. If they get excited when they hear she liked her visit to Princeton, say, yes, but it would cost us _ dollar amount.</p>

<p>Each child may need different strategies. There is no one-size-fits-all. Hang in there with D1 and learn as much as you can. Maybe your D2 and D3 will be in completely different situations – so why not take D1’s situation for the moment and focus on it?</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>Have you determined, based on using net price calculators, which schools would be affordable or not based on need-based financial aid, with or without the grandparents’ money?</p>

<p>What may be worse than getting into a family conflict is getting into a family conflict based on incorrect assumptions.</p>

<p>Remember also that the super-selective schools are no sure thing for admissions either.</p>

4

<p>PS - Forgot to add - favoritism by GPs does happen. A lot. Try not to focus on that but rather on the possibility that GPs will (for better or worse) live with the consequences of their own relationships with each kid. It’s hard but hang in there!</p>

5

<p>You are responsible for your children, not the grandparents. You should send your kids to where you could afford. Their grandparents are not obligated to do anything. It is not smart to plan out your kids’ future based on what others would contribute.</p>

<p>If your D1 is such a good student, she could easily get merit aid from many great schools. Not Ivies, or top 20s, but some very good schools.</p>

6

<p>I’m with Oldfort. Keep the grandparents put of the equation. At some point, there could be issues. Better to do what you can do yourself, and not rely on them. </p>

<p>As noted, if your daughter is a great student, she could garner some great merit aid.</p>

7

<p>As UCB notes, selective shools are a real crapshoot. Lots of 4.0+, team captain,class presidents get rejected from HYPS every year. You really don’t know if D1 will make it in.</p>

<p>It’s their money, they can be as unfair as they want to be. If D1 is a really talented and motivated kid who has potential to go to a top teir school, I understand why they’d want to help her get there. </p>

<p>I also understand why they wouldn’t want to pay for an unmotivated kid (or 2) to go to an expensive private because the local state school just isn’t good enough.</p>

<p>They don’t owe you a dime, graciously accept the 50/50 split for D1 and worry about the others later.</p>

<p>I would ask them to really commit; perhaps via a 529. You don’t want to have to pull D1 out Jr year because they don’t want to pay anymore.</p>

8

<p>Tough position. I understand your scruples, and honor you for them. Many CC posters have found these vague promises to “help” with college costs on the part of grandparents difficult to pin down. Sometimes they evaporate entirely when the GPs find out how much it actually costs. This can have little to do with assets and income. (BTW, I am assuming that they are also the GPs of your other daughters?)</p>

<p>It is probably small comfort to realize that you are in the same boat as so many others. :)</p>

<p>I agree with momcinco: plan on casting a wide net, including both true “meets need” schools–it sounds as if your D probably has the stats and ECs for that? Giving us some idea would help us map out a strategy–some merit schools, some in-state publics. Important: make sure your D knows UP FRONT that money will be an issue in decision-making, and that you cannot break the family bank for her with a couple of siblings coming along after. If she’s the driven type, encourage her to apply for some of the big general scholarships, such as Pepsi and Lowe’s and so forth, as well as scholarships at individual schools. (Again, knowing whether she would be likely to be competitive for these would help…)</p>

<p>I think you are going to have to eat crow with the GPs if you want their help. Explain to the GPs that you are very worried about college costs, and that you are grateful for any help they can give you. Or, you can stick to your guns. I would support either course of action…at least, if you can afford UCs or CSUs for all three. The fact is that you can have little idea right now what will happen. Your D <em>might</em> get into a school where you pay only 10% of your income up to $160+K. She might get into a school with a $10K merit award, or a $30K merit award. She might not. Your younger Ds might want to go to CSUs or CCs. Or THEY might be the ones to strike it rich on the scholarship front. At this point, any dollar that you do not have to come up with is a dollar available to the other girls. </p>

<p>BTW, this often IS a family counseling site. :)</p>

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<p>It’s the GP’s perogative as to what they want to pay. If they’ll split 50/50, then take their 50% and split into thirds if you feel that way. I don’t think it was wise turning down what they were offering to pay. Anything they can help you pay, means that much more for the other two.</p>

10

<p>Wow, thanks for the variety of responses, and so quickly. I’ve run the calculators and unfortunately it looks like I’m one of those upper middle class people who gets squeezed. The divorce wiped me out so I have no assets, but my income is in the mid to high 200’s, so not much grant help if any coming my way. D1 has earned some outside scholarships, but at the private schools, those will offset any grants, whereas at a UC or CSU they will take her farther. Believe me, after taxes, digging out of divorce debt, and raising three teens in one of the most expensive areas of the country means that my income is not as much as it sounds. Paying for my kids’ college education on my own without GP help, even at a UC or CSU, will be a huge challenge. I know it’s not GP’s responsibility, but I’ve seen so many situations where GP’s in their financial position pay for their GKs’ education as a matter of course. It would be no skin off their noses as they have a net worth in excess of $20 mil. I’m going to let things cool down before bringing it up again. We have a year to get through the process before committing to a school, so there’s time. I will make sure D1 casts a wide net so we have options. Thanks again.</p>

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<p>I have always believed that honesty is the best policy. I would accept any financial help your in-laws are offering for D1. Then you need to just be honest with your other children. I would openly discuss whatever reasons your in-laws have for not funding them and let the chips fall where they may. Your in-laws decision should not affect your relationship with your children. I would make it clear to them that this is a situation beyond your control and that you intend to fund them to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, life is often not fair and I think it only helps children going forward when they are confronted with this realization.</p>

12

<p>Paying for your kids education with an income in the mid to upper $200k is a struggle?
It might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
The living within your means thing I mean.
At least enjoy the novelty.
;)</p>

13

<p>Anything they can help you pay, means that much more for the other two.</p>

<p>Not necessarily. If sending D1 to the state school will only cost the dad about $20k per year, but splitting pricey U with the Grands will cost the dad $30k per year, then not only does that mean that there will NOT be more $ for the other two kids, the dad will be spending $10k per year more on D1.</p>

<p>I would be afraid to go down this path with your ex-inlaws because who knows if they’ll get annoyed at some point and refuse to pay. Then your D will be stuck. It sounds like getting financial info from your exwife would be hard, and that would be needed for your D to get aid. </p>

<p>I agree with oldfort. If your D is that strong of a student then there are many schools that will give you enough merit that the remaining costs will be the same as your state school…so your state school won’t be her only choice. </p>

<p>How much can you pay each year?</p>

<p>BTW…I hope your exwife has court-ordered child support. Even if she can’t pay it, you might be able to get the money once she gets her inheritance.</p>

<p>I realize that divorce can wipe out assets, but with an income in the $250k-300k range, even without assets and pricey cost of living, you shouldn’t be struggling that much. Yes, raising 3 teens is expensive, but maybe you’re indulging them too much. Put them on a budget. Prepare them for real life (and college life). ;)</p>

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<p>That may very well be, but it’s important to remember that they really don’t owe your kids a penny. It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around, but you must.</p>

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<p>will make sure D1 casts a wide net so we have options. Thanks again.</p>

<p>I know that phrase gets tossed around a lot, but the truth is that students really only have time to apply to about 6-12 schools. So, the idea of “casting a wide net” can still mean ending up with a bunch of unaffordable schools. </p>

<p>If your D wants to attend a school other than her state school, then she needs to include at least 2 schools that will give her enough ASSURED merit that the remaining costs are affordable.</p>

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<p>

Your in-laws didn’t decide to have 3 children, so why are you counting their money? They have raised their own kid. I think they should be able to expect their kid (daughter)to take care of her own kids.</p>

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<p>*I’m one of those upper middle class people *</p>

<p>With an income of $250k+, you’re NOT “upper middle class.” You’re either lower upper class or upper class.</p>

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<p>Agreed here as it is the GP’s prerogative to a point. </p>

<p>However,</p>

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</p>

<p>I’d only agree with this if the OP had asked out of the blue without the GP making promises. IMO, once someone…especially an older adult makes promises and fails to keep them at a later point barring sudden financial reversals or life circumstances, it speaks extremely poorly of their character. </p>

<p>Maybe I am old-fashioned here, but I don’t hold those who make idle promises or otherwise flake on their commitments for capricious reason in very high regard…especially if younger relatives end up suffering for it materially and/or emotionally.</p>

<p>While my grandparents did practice a form of favoritism in terms of granting college funding by only doing so for top academic performers who met their exceedingly high academic standards*, it wasn’t a surprising secret as such terms were made clear to us from childhood onward.</p>

<p>Since I knew I wasn’t going to get it within the first semester of HS, I knew enough to try stumbling along to make alternative plans. On the flipside, it did serve as a blessing in disguise as not getting the “family scholarship” meant I am now completely free of the onerous obligations to support extended family members whereas the “winners” are now heavily burdened with them. :D</p>

<p>It’s also a reason why when some aunts/uncles offered to reimburse me for undergrad/future grad school expenses not too long after graduating undergrad, I refused. </p>

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<p>It also assumes their high schools will allow for unlimited numbers of applications which isn’t necessarily the case. Some high schools like mine limited us to a maximum of 7 applications excluding CUNY and applying to multiple SUNYs counted as one app to limit “excess competition” among us seniors.</p>

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<p>20 mill and they won’t contribute to all? There’s a word for that. They should give, give, give so that the IRS estate tax man doesn’t take and take.</p>

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<p>I’m not an adult, so I don’t know about all these awkward family financial shtuff (yet). But if I were a younger sibling, I wouldn’t be angry at my older sibling taking the money because they’re a favorite. I think that would be pretty selfish.</p>

<p>On the other hand, why do your kids even need to know about all of this?</p>