<p>Anyone making in the $250,000 to $300,000 range living in the NY Metro area (don’t know where OP lives), I can tell you is NOT upper class!! And paying $60,000 -ish for a private LAC is most certainly a struggle, even when definitely living within one’s means (or below), and saving over the child’s lifetime. Recall when Romney said that middle class was $250,000? That wasn’t as laughable as people seemed to think – in certain parts of the country where property taxes and housing prices are through the roof. We have neighbors making over $700,000 and they wouldn’t call themselves upper class in this neck of the woods.</p>
<p>Oh pshaw. I live in the NYC metro area with an income quite a bit lower than 250K, and we self-paid two kids at high-end privates. The perpetuating of the idea that one must live high-end on such a salary leads to that kind of thinking, and the lifestyle that goes with it.</p>
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<p>They have OFFERED to pay, according to the OP.</p>
<p>That said, I agree with posters who say that an income in excess of $250K, even in the NYC area or Bay area is very high and people need to get a grip if they think that is anything other than VERY comfortable. Try living with the average salary for a while and then get back to me.</p>
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<p>It’s immaterial if the OP “holds his ex-IL’s in high regard” or not. The bottom line is, it is not his money to count on.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t care who offered to pay for anything for my kids, if it is important for my kids to have anything, my husband and I would be responsible it. Why would I count on someone else to feed or educate my kids?</p>
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<p>Your former in-laws only like one of their four descendants. I would not gamble on their continuing to like your eldest daughter. </p>
<p>I recommend you make plans for your daughter which do not count on support from her grandparents. She will soon be an adult. They may help her if they wish, at that point, by paying tuition directly to whatever college she attends. Don’t place her in the middle of your power struggle with your former in-laws. Don’t make her choose between her love for them, her love for her sisters, and her love for you.</p>
<p>The best plan right now is to help your child find and apply to a range of schools, all of which you and she could handle without external support. If she gets into an expensive college you all can’t afford, the grandparents may offer to help. I’d urge her to get the money up front. It would be exquisitely painful to be forced to transfer because the grandparents reneged on the agreement. Such offers to pay are often offers to control. Be wary.</p>
<p>It honestly does not matter how many conversations you have with anyone, you can’t count on what they say. So, even if they say they will pay for D1, you still can’t count on it. It just sounds miserable to go through four years that way. Plus, you will be beholden. It will be awful.</p>
<p>If my kids have kids, we will set up trusts for their education from when they are born. That way, it’s theirs and not weird thing.</p>
<p>Barring having a trust already, I just wouldn’t count on it. You can make yourself crazy with this stuff. And still end up in a bad situation.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your kids. Once you eliminate thinking about the GPs, you can make an excellent plan.</p>
<p>How old are D’s 2 and 3? Personally, I don’t see a reason why D1 should suffer because GPs won’t commit to all three, and I think that’s unfair to her. I’d take the money, and leave it at that. You don’t know what will happen with your other D’s. Perhaps GPs will see the light and change their minds ( or die) before the decision about the other D’s needs to be made. Perhaps the other D’s will want to attend a college you can afford. </p>
<p>I’ve never been a fan of sharing equally among children. Different kids have different needs at different times. You do what you can for each kid when the time arises that you need to do it.</p>
<p>Its not a good theory, since there is no contract. You could end up with D1 in an unaffordable school and GPs capriciously change their mind.</p>
<p>I like solid ground beneath my feet, personally.</p>
<p>JMO</p>
<p>My inlaws used to say they were going to buy oldest a car when she turned 16. She is 30 & has never owned a car. They’ve said many things but long ago we learned to not pay attention.
Friends & relatives may make promises that they meant at the time - but later realized that they couldnt keep them.
You dont hold well intentioned but impulsive comments over someones head unless you are ready to accept the consequences.</p>
<p>I agree with poetgirl, let go of expectations and craft a plan from reality.</p>
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<p>The OP stated that the grandparents “vaguely offered” to pay. This is a big difference.
If they were serious about paying for college tuition, they would have set up a trust or contributed to your Ds 529 plans.</p>
<p>OP, your post sounds very arrogant and entitled and if my son-in-law approached me like you did with your ex-laws, I would have said what I want to do with my own money is my business.</p>
<p>“woopedey doo”???</p>
<p>someone, who is under no obligation to help, is willing to pay for 50% of a college education and that is your reaction???</p>
<p>who are you hurting by turning down his offer or by saying he can only help if he gives even more money???</p>
<p>you asked:
Will she blame them for not being able to attend her dream school after all her hard work?
- No, she shouldn’t. They offered to pay and you said no.</p>
<p>Will she blame me?
- Probably.</p>
<p>Am I doing the right thing?
- No</p>
<p>Or should I just let GP’s help D1 and hope they will also help D2 and D3 when the time comes?
- Yes. </p>
<p>Will D2 and D3 end up hating me if I allow GP’s to help D1 and she ends up going to dream school and they end up going to State U?
- I don’t know why GP “went off on D2/D3 as usual” - sounds like there are issues there and if the kids are aware of it, they shouldn’t expect free money from the GP</p>
<p>Take the money and thank them profusely and be grateful that someone is willing to help your child.</p>
<p>Wow. You have a huge income of over $250K/year, and when your inlaws graciously offered a substantial amount toward your eldest daughter’s college, you tried to squeeze even more money out of them. If I’d been your inlaws, that would have been the end of the conversation.</p>
<p>If someone offers you something, you don’t demand three times as much. You say thank you, and see whether you want to accept their generous offer.</p>
<p>I agree with CF and others. </p>
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<p>The OP sounds really obnoxious to me. Someone offers to pay up to about $110,000 and he demands they pay up to about $400,000 (assuming the cost of college increases.) I’d bail at that point too. </p>
<p>If I were the D and found out about this, I’d be furious. Of course, dad has no legal obligation to pay for college either, so she’ll probably keep her mouth shut. </p>
<p>Is there a reason why grandparents favor D#1? Is she a much better student? Does she voluntarily spend more time with her grandparents or call or write them more often?</p>
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<p>Really, none of our business.</p>
<p>With money comes control. The hand which giveth, can take away.</p>
<p>I think the OP may be suffering from a bit of bitterness toward his ex, these are HER parents he is talking about. Maybe his ex (their daughter) is in no position to provide for her daughters (either emotionally or financially…I suspect this because is raising his girls on his own) and because of that maybe the OP feels it is the least her parents can do, especially if they have the money he is speaking about. Divorce is a strange world, it creates emotions and baggage no one can carry unless they are traveling the path. To judge the OP on this situation and not know the back story is a little harsh. He seems to me to be a caring father who is more worried about the relationship between his three girls than how the college issue will shake out in the end. </p>
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<p>This is not always true. Many companies provide a portion of salary devoted to cost of living of the area the employee will reside. I have a friend in the hotel business that has a base salary pushing $100,000 but has made as much as $265,000 when relocated to Manhattan with $165,000 being a stipend for cost of living. When she left Manhattan, she left the $165,000 behind and did get some extra money in her next city but it was peanuts in comparison. The bottom line is, if the OP lives in parts of Northern California where a 1200 square foot home runs a million dollars, then his $250,000 does not get him very far.</p>
<p>As soon as you take the money… they will free to tell you where she should apply (and NOT apply, they may not get the idea of “matches” and “safeties” and “fit”), who should write her recommendations, what her essay topics should be, what she should major in, whether she should hold a job on campus, what dorms she should live in, whether she should participate in Greek life, and want to see her grades. I strongly recommend that you do NOT take the money. It isn’t worth it. </p>
<p>My parents offered some money for D2 (and at the same time they were heavy handed with their opinions on where D2 should apply). Note that they did not offer to help with D1’s college expenses. I turned down the money AND eventually cut off conversation on the college search altogether. They just found out on May 1 where D2 is attending (sent 'em an email with a picture of her in her college t-shirt and a scanned copy of the Fiske writeup of her chosen school). The freedom for D2 to choose her own college and own path without their interference is completely worth it to us.</p>
<p>I am a single mom, dad gave no help for D1’s LAC expenses either. And we did not qualify for financial aid for D1 (small amount received for D2 her first year at a very expensive school, we will see after this year – not counting on it). But I put D1 through a good LAC with no debt, and expect to do the same with D2. It is all a matter of priorities.</p>
<p>Note that there are a lot of choices between full pay top schools and State U. There are an awful lot of LACs that give merit aid; if your D has ivy stats, take a look at the LACs from about #20-#50 on the US News listing. There are a lot of nice choices that give merit aid, can knock the cost down by as much as a third.</p>
<p>Here is another choice if you think you can stand the interference side of it – take the money for D1, and be discliplined to start saving for your other Ds while D1 is still in college; take the hit on your income to (or almost to) the full pay point, and sock the money you aren’t spending away in 529s for D2 & D3. Then you in-laws are subsidizing all 3 kids… they just don’t know it. But that really requires you to take a very hard look at your expenses. There are plenty of threads out here on driving used/cheaper cars, not eating out, super cheap vacations, etc. But you have to want to do it.</p>
<p>I’d accept the offer of help and say “Thank you so much. D and I really appreciate what you’re doing to help with her college education.” </p>
<p>Most folks don’t have such an offer. Even if it is just for one kid, I’d take it.<br>
Nothing wrong with the schools you can afford, in any case. Most people aren’t even able to pay for state schools without loans. Count your blessings. Anything contributed by in-laws is gravy.</p>
<p>“I know it’s not GP’s responsibility, but I’ve seen so many situations where GP’s in their financial position pay for their GKs’ education as a matter of course. It would be no skin off their noses as they have a net worth in excess of $20 mil.”</p>
<p>Yikes. 20 million is not so much that paying potentially 200K X 3 is no skin off their noses. You are asking…excuse me, demanding, a huge amount of money. Many ex’s parents won’t even talk to the divorced spouse, and yours are offering you a huge chunk of money and you want more, just because you think they have it? What an entitlement mentality.</p>
<p>My parents have plenty of money saved, and I wouldn’t consider asking them for a cent. They have worked hard for it, and will probably live a very long time. They have no obligation to fund a pricey education for my children, and they should do what they choose with their money. I can’t imagine that if they offered, to tell them, “Nope, I’ll only take it if you pay triple the amount.”</p>
<p>If I was your ex-in law and you said that…or I sensed the resentment that you have, thinking I should pay for the entire bill, that would be the end of it. They get nothing.</p>
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<p>While I may not hold a long-term obsessive grudge about such things, I have found life becomes far less stressful when I have started completely cutting out folks who make idle promises and/or are consistently unreliable flakes. </p>
<p>Life’s too short to make oneself miserable being around folks who don’t have the maturity and character to understand that one shouldn’t make promises unless one has the genuine intention and commitment to keep them barring events out of one’s control such as a sudden financial reversal due to medical/market reversal. </p>
<p>Relationships, including friends and relatives require some measure of reciprocity and common courtesy/consideration. </p>
<p>Capriciously going back on one’s promises or being an unreliable flake are two examples which goes against those bonds which strengthens affirming relationships. </p>
<p>In short, while it’s the GP’s right to do with their money as they like, they should also prepare for the possibility that making and taking back promises capriciously may result in a permanent cessation of further contact with OP and his daughters if they are hurt materially and more importantly…emotionally.</p>