<p>I know what it costs to live in the area you are referring to. Can you imagine how the other 95+% of the people living in the same area must struggle to make ends meet every day?</p>
<p>After paying national and CA income tax on an income of $250,000, you probably still have around $170,000 left. Even if you had to pay list price at an expensive university for D1, you would still have $110,000 to live on and support D2 and D3. It does not look like you need the grandparents’ money to send D1 to any school she wants.</p>
<p>Also, going to a state school in CA is nothing to be ashamed of for a high achieving student.</p>
<p>I’ve seen variations of the “grandparents promised to pay X percent” problem before. It would be so much better for them to set aside a specific amount of money in an account for D1, in her name. In this way, the child can make a choice with clarity about what she has over the course of the four years. The grandparents may have the best of intentions but I’m certain they would never take on a quarter of a million dollar investment themselves with just the promise that a family member would help them pay for it.</p>
<p>OP, I think that hobnobbing with people with millions of dollars in assets has blinded you to the circumstances of many of the rest of us. Yes, housing in the Bay area is outrageous. But you are still far better off than most. Your in-laws made an extremely generous offer that I, and others, would be THRILLED to accept. </p>
<p>My parents have plenty of money, but we are on our own in paying for our childrens’ educations. Our combined income is nowhere near yours and we live in an area only a step or two down from yours in expense.</p>
<p>Rather than thinking of the offer as a gift to “a favorite grandchild”, think of it as a gift to YOU, so that you can put more in the bank for your other two children. This takes the concept of “favoritism” out of the equation.</p>
Wow. Your parents made a generous offer of contributing what may be 6-figures towards your daughter’s education, and your response is “whoopedy doo” they could easily pay more, then asking them to also pay for your younger daughters who aren’t yet at college age. Then after refusing their money, worrying that D1 will blame you after you tell her that she has to “give up on her dream” because you can’t pay for her desired college choice on your more than $250k/yr income without grandma & grandpa’s help . Your post makes you sound like the child, rather than the parent.</p>
<p>I’d suggest graciously accepting your parents’ generous offer and using the money saved to help pay for D2 and D3. I’d be really shocked, if you can’t find a way to make ends meet with your income. But if so, then you could explain the difficulties to your parents when D2 and D3 become college age and/or pursue other options for financing, which are discussed thoroughly on this site.</p>
<p>I gotta agree with poetgrl. It’s not just about the money for college now. It’s about the strings attached to the money forevermore.</p>
<p>OP, I live in NorCal, so I know how expensive the Bay Area is. Still, with your income it’s quite doable to send all of your girls to college without having to mire yourself and your children in family politics – which will only get uglier as the years go on. My brother lives in Sunnyvale and they make in the ballpark of your income. They live far below their means, choosing to spend a large portion of their money on their boys’ education. The older boy went to a VERY pricey private HS, and is now at an expensive college on the East Coast. The other boy is now at the same pricey HS, and will probably go to San Jose State (he has Aspergers, so they don’t want him to go far from home). By they time they’re done, they will have spent half a million dollars educating their kids – because that was their priority. So it can be done, but it requires a willingness to live a lifestyle which is relatively spartan compared to income.</p>
<p>BTW, you clearly resent the fact that the GPs could easily afford to send all three of your girls to college, but won’t. You’re going to have to let it go. They’re not going to change their minds, and taking them up on their offer will only deepen your resentment, for the rest of your life. Plus, it seems to me that allowing them to help fund only one of the girls actually validates their “favoritism.” Do you want to send that message?</p>
<p>Lots of people send their kids to college on much, much, MUCH less money than you have at your disposal. Count your blessings, and hunt for colleges which are generous with merit money.</p>
<p>Take the money. Don’t take the money. The advice is all over the board. Not surprising, as my thoughts are all over the board as well. FYI, D2 and D3 are only 2 and 3 years behind D1 respectively, so I will have all three in college at the same time. Even if it is “only” $20k per year each at State U, I don’t have an extra $60k per year laying around to spend on tuition, no matter how much I cut my expenses. (Those of you who live in the land of million-dollar tract houses will understand.) My ex is in no position to help, having been coddled by her parents her whole life and hasn’t held a job in 25 years. She’s a non-issue financially. In any event, I don’t mean to sound entitled and whiney and, yes, I’m in a better position than a lot of people. Sorry if you were offended. My post was more about dealing with the family dynamics and emotional fallout for my daughters than the financial dynamics. Admittedly, I have a lot of resentment towards GP’s for having financed ex’s divorce/custody battle and driving me into bankruptcy. There’s a lot of emotional baggage and perhaps that’s what is driving my thought process now. They are definitely the kind of people who use money to control others and I don’t want to be controlled or see D1 to fall into that same trap. Upon reflection, I think the best advice came from the person/people who said to plan as if they are not part of the equation because they can’t be trusted to keep their word. If they still offer to help, then it’s a bonus. But if not, it’s not a catastrophe. Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>At the end of the day, you and your ex are first in line when it comes to paying for college for your 3 daughters. This is the person who you should be making your peace with. This is the person who you should be having conversations with. Anything, that anyone should decide to do for your kids will be gravy, but until there is a check in your hand, don’t count other people’s money.</p>
<p>Many of the schools that you seem to have your eye on will want the CSS profile and the non-custodial profile. If you already know that with your salary, you won’t be receiving any money, then the point will really be driven home after they add your ex wife’s income/assets (while she hasn’t held a job , the school is going to what to know how she eats every day on no money).</p>
<p>If you know that she will not participate in the financing of her children’s education, then make sure that you have a list of financially feasible options that D1 will be happy to attend and schools where D1 will be in a good position to get merit money.</p>
<p>I really suggest you go into this assuming the grandparents will not come through with any money. Have your D apply to as many dream schools as she wants, but warn her that attendance is dependent on money. I would be very concerned that even if the grandparents come through with money for the 1st year, something happens and the money isn’t available subsequent years. Second, as others have said, research schools that will give her aid, find some she likes, would be happy to attend and have her apply there. Your daughter will not be the first who has worked hard only to find out that her dream school is out of reach. When you visit some affordable lower level schools she may find some she loves just as much.</p>
<p>I definitely would not trust the people who funded a nasty divorce/custody battle against me, pushing me towards bankruptcy. No wonder you have resentment. I don’t know that I’d even be talking to them.</p>
<p>I would look hard at either state schools, or schools where they can get big merit money awards, but I would not plan on them getting anything from the grandparents, even D1. If it happens, then that’s a bonus. If D1 is very motivated, she can get big $$ from many schools, though they may not be ones at the top of her list.</p>
<p>It is ridiculous for people to think, at this point, with one daughter close to college and the other two right behind, that you can just spring for college with no problem because you have a good income. Your assets are gone, and you can’t just come up with large sums of money like this. I think you’re going to have to accept that the kids won’t be able to go to big dollar schools without huge amounts of merit aid. They’re just going to have to figure out how to do it like so many people in this forum, with a combination of loans, low cost schools and a little help from you if possible.</p>
<p>Yes, go visit the financial aid and scholarship forum on this site. The women over there can really help you to come up with an affordable plan.</p>
I think I would plan as if they aren’t going to help, but also take the advice above.</p>
<p>Every time this kind of question is raised, there are always folks to remind us that grandparents (or even parents) don’t owe anybody a penny, etc., etc. I will just note that this is only one view of family obligations, and not everybody feels the same way about it.</p>
<p>OP, it is wise to keep your emotion out of it and explain to your kids that the GPs have their issues. The operative word here is “emotion”. People have issues. Those GPs have these issues and if your kids are teens, they either know or will know soon what the GPs are like. But with divorce and a NCP situation as it is, there is enough emotional baggage here. Take what the GPS give, and adjust your finances accordingly. They can give anything they feel like, you understand, and as your DD gets older, there will likely be things slipped to her without you knowing about it.</p>
<p>I have a friend with three daughter who have and had the same situation with GPs, and it continues to this day. The GPs bought a house for D1, and won’t spend much money at all on the other two, and, yes, the GPs are well to do and could easily give equally. But they don’t want to do so. D1 is in her 30’s at this point, and she and her DH were not about to turn down the house for family equity sake. They are in CA too, so you can get some idea of the largesse involved here.</p>
<p>Just say thank you, and every dollar you know about for GPs that goes toward D1, is something you have available to spend towards the other two as long as you don’t make it into such an emotional, tense,stressful situation so that things start getting done behind your back and you get NO input at all. Keep it light, jovial, good natured and happy and you’ll get a lot more out of the situation. This is not a battle to fight, believe me.</p>
<p>What I would do is determine what my budget is for D1’s education, taking into account what you’ll need for D2 and D3. It sounds like your assets departed in the divorce so you’re pretty much looking at paying for school using current income, so you’ll have to take into consideration what will be available in the years when you have two in college, not just the first year or two when it will be just D1. You don’t want to get into a situation where she can’t continue at her chosen school because the available funds then have to be split two ways. Then, as soon as possible, sit down with D1 and explain what her financial limitations are. Let her know that she’s unlikely to qualify for need-based aid but that with her stats she should be able to get merit aid at a lot of places. Help her craft a list that includes schools where she’ll have assured merit. I wouldn’t tell her NOT to apply to the schools that you can’t afford, but I would make it perfectly clear to her that to attend those schools she would have to find the money elsewhere. </p>
<p>Then, if SHE wants to go to the grandparents and try to work something out, so be it. I would not get in the middle of that. And I would make sure she was aware that unless the money was transferred into an account that she (or you) controlled, there are risks involved with that money continuing for all 4 years. I think a student who is old enough to be going off to college is old enough to discuss her college finances with her grandparents. And I think that an ex-son-in-law (against whom these grandparents fought in a divorce/custody battle) is the wrong person to be having those discussions with them. I personally wouldn’t worry about the younger daughters in this discussion. It sounds like your intention is to provide them with the same opportunity you’re going to provide to D1, and you can’t control what the grandparents do with them. Don’t deprive D1 of her opportunity in an attempt to make things fair for the younger ones. LIfe isn’t fair. And it also sounds like this is a continuing thing, and your younger daughters already know that D1 is the favored grandchild. So it won’t be anything new to them. The fact that you won’t be involved makes that situation better, IMO.</p>
<p>I would steer kids in the direction of what you can afford without any grandparents help so the dream school may be out. I would stick with that even if GP come up with some money.
I would accept money if they offer it (gift to D not for you) but still not send kid to dream school–you need to be able to afford that on your own so GP have no control over you.</p>
<p>I can say I found myself in a similar situation to the OP. GP wanted to support college expenses without any clear $$. So I finally just asked directly “What are you prepared to do, so that I can plan accordingly? I can pull money from 401k, pursue loans, sell a car, not take a vacation, etc. as needed.” The response was a very clear “$X per year, minimum” And I said “thank you” </p>
<p>So I am really repeating what others have said. Make it known that you are prepared to plan as needed to pay for college. Anything offered by the GP then becomes a gift, not a need. Say thank you and move on.</p>
<p>Agree with much of what’s been posted (you sound entitled, proceed as is you have no money from the gps because there’s no guarantee you will). Want to add two thoughts …</p>
<p>1) Gps don’t get how expensive college is these days. If you have another discussion about money, I’d make sure they understand what their half might entail. Getting them to settle on a fixed amount – and getting it up front, if possible – is the way to go so you don’t have to deal with them attaching strings at college decision time.</p>
<p>2) Just because a gp behaves poorly and exhibits favoritism doesn’t mean that we should encourage that. FIL gave each MALE :rolleyes: grandkid a small sum toward college. We invested it, added some of our own money and then eventually was able to buy ds1 a prepaid tuition plan. Ds2 wasn’t born yet so he got nothing, of course. After FIL died, MIL gave ds2 and the female grandkids each half the amount of the original gift the other grandsons received. It was no fault of ds2 that he was born too late to take advantage of FIL’s largesse, but we sure didn’t act put out that MIL didn’t give as much to the rest of the grandkids. We were happy to accept her gift, regardless of the amount. HOWEVER, we didn’t think it was fair that ds1 was better positioned based on birth order, so as a family we let the kids know when they got older that ds1 got half of what ds2 had and vice versa. That seemed the most fair, and it’s working out great.</p>
<p>Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that I wouldn’t let gps only help one kid with her education. They don’t have to know about your sleight of hand, but I think the kids will appreciate the fact that YOU value all of them equally. And they’re not so far behind that you wouldn’t be able to shift things around if needed (ie, third kid decides not to go to college, you can use her portion to help first kid pay off loans).</p>
<p>Yowza! No wonder you feel the way you do. And yet their D is not in contact with them? Definitely a lot going on there…</p>
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<p>I think that is the best course of action.</p>
<p>BTW, assuming that your ex departed with a very substantial percentage of the marital assets, I would think that the CSS schools will expect her to chip in. Don’t know exactly how that works, though. I think you should consult with the people who know all about this stuff in the FA forum here. The fewer surprises, the better.</p>