<p>For what it is worth, when you have all three in college, you may actually get financial aid.</p>
<p>For example, [Net</a> Price Calculator](<a href=“http://npc.fas.harvard.edu/]Net”>http://npc.fas.harvard.edu/) says that with an income of $250,000 and three kids in college, your net price will be $34,350 ($29,750 parent contribution + $4,600 student work earning contribution) for a kid attending Harvard.</p>
<p>So don’t assume that you’d be paying list price of $60,000 each for all three in expensive private schools (yes, many less selective private schools are less generous with financial aid, but you and your kids may not find those schools attractive when the cheaper UCs and CSUs are available). If your $250,000 income becomes $170,000 after tax, and all three of your kids are in colleges with you paying $30,000 each, then you’d still have about $80,000 to support yourself that year.</p>
<p>In other words, before getting entangled in potentially messy family politics, try to figure out how you can make the college financing work without any additional money from the grandparents. Then you can accept any offer from the grandparents as a nice gift, rather than becoming dependent on it and being subject to their control which you may understandably resent.</p>
<p>^^^UCB just posted what I was going to say; we were borderline full pay with one kid, but when both were in college, the FA packages were frankly better than we expected.</p>
<p>Not sure I would get sucked into the GP issues. OP, do be aware that even if your ex does not work, if she has assets, those will be calculated into EFC. If she has not been involved in the Ds’ lives at all, doesn’t pay child support and/or has no custody, you might be able to file for exempting her assets from consideration. Some schools are better about this than others, but it may be worth a shot.</p>
<p>Why not have the GP’s contribute to a 529 plan for D1 with OP as the Account Owner and D1 as the beneficiary? OP can choose to draw as much or as little as he wants from the 529 to fund D1’s college, then transfer whatever is left to Ds 2 and 3.</p>
<p>In other words, deceive his in-laws? I don’t think that’s a good plan. </p>
<p>Further up, someone said it was none of our business why grandparents favor D1. He doesn’t have to tell us. I just think that the reasons why they favor D1 matter in determining whether the grandparents are being unreasonable. Sometimes, there are valid reasons for favoritism.</p>
<p>IME, any grandparent or other relative who was really sincere about wanting to pay for a college education would have already been setting up a 529 or other account. If they truly have $20MM, they undoubtedly have financial people who would do this for them in a heartbeat. I think it’s important to remember that talk is cheap, and if people with this much wealth haven’t taken an actual step - then they’re just yapping about their intent.</p>
<p>If you do not need their money, you are in a position of strength.</p>
<p>If you need their money, you are in a position of weakness, which would allow them to manipulate and control you with their money. (Or there could be other nefarious purposes like driving a wedge between you and your kids.)</p>
<p>Given the issues that you have with the grandparents, it is much better to be in a position of strength when dealing with them. On an income of $250,000+, you should be able to find a way to afford your kids’ college costs without needing their money and putting you in a position of strength.</p>
<p>There would have been financial advantages to the GP’s to set up trusts for the grandchildren, the fact that they haven’t tells me they “like” people to have to “ask” for help. It’s a game.</p>
<p>I can’t stand that game.</p>
<p>Just do it without their assistance, and it will be without their interference, as well.</p>
<p>If D1 wants to set something up with them, that’s her business. Just be clear with her that if they back out, you won’t be able to backfill the situation and she will have to transfer or “keep them happy.”</p>
<p>I disagree that 250K is as much as people think in a situation like this. This is not just income being paid in a vacuum. This is after losing one’s assets in a divorce, after taxes take a big bite (especially in California), expenses for 3 kids, possible alimony…and still having whatever debts to pay, without the cushion of assets. Divorces, especially messy ones where the lawyers walk out with most of the money, can deplete everything someone has saved for. One might still have a costly house that either they don’t want to sell at a loss, or is something that they’d like to hang onto for their children, while they are not yet adults.</p>
<p>It’s simple for some of us to envision it on paper, but the reality can be far different. And after losing his assets, OP should be trying to rebuild his retirement savings before funding big dollar amounts for the kids.</p>
<p>I initially thought the OP sounded entitled, but I was wrong. He sounds frustrated and angry, with good reason, I suspect.</p>
<p>The grandparents may have no rational, thought-out reasons for any of these decisions, no matter how rich they are. I speak from experience on this–some older people just make irrational decisions about money.</p>
<p>This possibility is a reason not to have D1’s college education dependant on their support over four years. They may decide that they “can’t afford it” any more, or they might get mad at her, or at her father, or at the college she attends. Or they might die and leave all the money to the ex-wife, who might not cooperate.</p>
<p>Busdriver, it doesn’t really matter whether $250K is a lot to live on or a pittance to live on or anywhere in between. The point is – it’s what this gentleman has. He doesn’t have any inherent right to the grandparents’ money, no matter how much of it there is and no matter how much he may wish that they would open their checkbooks for their lovely granddaughters and treat them equitably at that. It’s frustrating, but it’s also unfortunately life.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl- while I agree with what you said, I think that bus driver’s point was that the OP has taken a lot of flak on this thread. He was just helping to expand perspective of the OPs position and defend him from some criticism. That being said, I completely agree that OP needs to rise above the emotional games that go along with money power and favoritism. If he can manage to do that and still get the GP to chip in for D1’s education, more power to him. OTOH, I tend to agree with most posters on the thread, and think that scenario is unlikely and also may be impossible to salvage at this point.</p>
<p>While you’re right from a practical and legal point and I agree OP should not count on GP’s money, OP and 3 Ds also have the right to react accordingly to such capriciousness.</p>
<p>If I was in OP’s shoes, while I won’t count on the GP’s money, I’d also start preparations to cut off further contact with said GPs for myself at some point as they’ve shown themselves to be capricious and flaky for his own mental health’s sake. If/when his Ds find out the full reality of such treatment he’s encountered through divorce and issues such as the one here, they may also decide further contact with such relatives isn’t worth the pain, uncertainty, and aggravation.</p>
<p>cobrat - I don’t know why you tell OP to cut off contact with the grandparents. They haven’t done anything harmful to the kids. When my kids were younger, I used to have a lot of disagreement with my parents, but I have never prevented my parents from seeing my kids. Whatever difficulty I was having with my parents had nothing to do with my kids. It is also not to my kids’ best interest not to have contact with their grandparents.</p>
<p>If I were the OP, I would consider what I was or was not willing to do to accept that money. Firstly, I would want to confirm the offer, half of expenses? half of tuition? Any school? Only a school they like? Only HYPS? Only Cal? What are they thinking?</p>
<p>I would want to share the wealth between my kids, on the other hand I can see some one as controlling as I perceive the GPs to be ($20MM estate and no generation skipping trust or 529s established? that does not make sense or sound usual) not wanting to commit to any other kids until they see how the first one works out. </p>
<p>Does this mean there will be emotional games and behavioral requirements on the OP or D1? There is no freedom like the freedom of not accepting money and having to act upon expectations. By the same token if some one were offering my kids college monies, I would have to consider is seriously and consider if I am truly willing to earn it!</p>
<p>Only you can decide, do you use their money to reduce DDs loans, do you use their money, but only 1/3 of that given towards D1, saving the rest for D2 & D3?</p>
<p>I believe I would apply to all the schools- UCs, tippy top dream schools and some private merit schools (are her scores high enough for USC merit? They used to give a 1/2 tuition award at 1500 SAT) with stated website awards, like Whitworth, Baylor, I think Chapman, maybe St Marys. You can do the research on CC to find the list of schools that offer significant merit with no financial need requirement. If you know her GPA and SATs you can start a thread asking for advice and suggestions on merit aid schools. These small privates do not have the cache of HYPS or even Cal, but they certainly can give an excellent private school experience.</p>
<p>I would likely tell the GPs that we should discuss it once we know were she has admissions offers, keep them out of the drama of admissions. Be gracious, despite their past actions, and just see what they offer once you know what is on the table.</p>
<p>One aspect of what Cobrat said, it may be possible that the OP needs to find a good way to cut off the emotional entanglement with the GPS, to have a polite relationship that does NOT allow the GPs to mess with his head or punch his reaction buttons.</p>
<p>Agree with Oldfort. Don’t rely on gps. ANYTHING could happen. Pick a school you can afford. If the gps help any or all, then fine. But pick a school you can afford on your own.</p>
<p>Explain the merit and logic of this to your daughter. I know that disappointments are…disappointing, but she’s going to have a great future no matter where she goes to school.</p>
<p>Oldfort, Cobrat didn’t say the KIDS shouldn’t have contact, only that at some point in the future, if Cobrat were in OPs shoes, he/she would cut off contact for his/herself.</p>
<p>I agree. These are EX in-laws to the OP with a strained relationship. Once the kids are grown, I would discontinue that relationship.</p>
<p>If the level of favoritism for D1 and disdain for D2 and 3 are any indication, however, the Ds…especially D2 and 3 may feel the need to cut off contact with their GPs for the sake of their own mental health*. Ultimately, however, that’s their own decision independent of the OP. </p>
<ul>
<li>Being a relative doesn’t and IMO shouldn’t give one a pass to mistreat or play favorites without the associated possible negative consequences.</li>
</ul>