<p>“Pizzagirl- while I agree with what you said, I think that bus driver’s point was that the OP has taken a lot of flak on this thread. He was just helping to expand perspective of the OPs position and defend him from some criticism.”</p>
<p>Exactly, novimom. I initially perceived this as someone who is ungrateful and entitled, and with more information, I believe it is something entirely different. I am far more sympathetic after reading further details. This has got to be a very complicated and frustrating situation.</p>
<p>Personally I never perceived him as ungrateful. I just think when GPs do this kind of nebulous money thing it helps nobody. </p>
<p>Gparents do this, some with the best of intentions, partially because they probably don’t have a clue how damn expensive college has become. “Back in the day,” if somebody flaked on one of us parents, we could figure it out and pick up the slack with a part time job. It wasn’t really a big deal.</p>
That’s a good point. If the original poster is indeed struggling financially, then many schools will give a large break in tuition. Assuming a worst case scenario, with a 250k income, heavy taxes, and min assets; Stanford’s net price calc gives a parental contribution of under $17k per year. The parental contribution increases substantially above this if the parent has large amounts of assets.</p>
<p>" if SHE wants to go to the grandparents and try to work something out, so be it. I would not get in the middle of that. And I would make sure she was aware that unless the money was transferred into an account that she (or you) controlled, there are risks involved with that money continuing for all 4 years. I think a student who is old enough to be going off to college is old enough to discuss her college finances with her grandparents. And I think that an ex-son-in-law (against whom these grandparents fought in a divorce/custody battle) is the wrong person to be having those discussions with them. I personally wouldn’t worry about the younger daughters in this discussion. "</p>
<p>GP’s can and often do play favorites. It’s a sad but true fact. My kids GP’s do it and mine did it. Was there resentment? Sure. But your kids have likely seen it before at holidays etc. </p>
<p>Just re-iterating that mom is likley going to have to provide financial info for college.</p>
<p>They haven’t really shown themselves to be “capricious and flaky.” They’ve muttered about helping to pay for D1 but haven’t done anything concrete about it. You know, just because someone mutters something once doesn’t obligate them to do it.</p>
<p>Thanks. My situation does stink. But I know it could be worse. There are many others on CC far worse off than me. I have thought about just asking ex-IL’s, “So how much are you willing to contribute to your grandchildren’s education in total?” and then try to convince them to put specific amount in a trust or 529 with a neutral trustee to budget it. But I know that ex-IL’s will never agree to a defined amount or put any $ under my, D1’s, or anyone else’s control. That’s their M.O. There always will be strings attached to any “gift.” (Case in point: when ex and I got married, they made a “gift” to help us with a down payment on a house, but when the divorce happened, suddenly the “gift” was really a loan and they sued me for repayment.) They want to be in a position to dangle the $ to get the strokes they want and if they don’t get them, they want to be able to cut you off. One other idea I had was to tell D1 that we will leave GP’s out of it and finance her education with loans if necessary and when GP’s die she can pay off the loans out of her inheritance.(Where else are they going to leave it?) So they will end up paying for it in the long run, but they just won’t know it.</p>
<p>It’s a bad idea to count on anyone’s money, including inheritances. The money could very well be put into a trust for their daughter’s support for the rest of her life. My MIL’s parents did just that as they knew that their daughter would not be able to live well on her own. </p>
<p>My guess is that the GP’s will pursue their own relationships with your children, particularly D1. I would keep the emotion and nastiness (which seeps through your posts,by the way) out of the situation, and simply explain that this could happen and perhaps your DD would see it fit to share whatever largesse she gets for her siblings accounts as well. But don’t put her in the middle of all of this and there should be no expectations for anything, including an inheritance.</p>
<p>Time to look at some austerity measures so that you and your family can live well below your means (which are considerable with a $250,000+ pre-tax income and $170,000+ after-tax income, even if living in a relatively expensive area).</p>
<p>Then you will have the power to easily afford all of your kids’ college education without having to deal with the manipulative ex-in-laws for any money that you need to send your kids to college. Otherwise, you will be in a weak position, continually vulnerable to manipulation by the ex-in-laws and their vague offers of money.</p>
<p>Just more food for thought:
OP will probably not see the money if given. Grandparents may get the financial advice to pay the school directly to avoid gift taxes, particularly if the amount might exceed the annual gift allowance.</p>
<p>ETA…I just went back and read that your after tax income is $170,000. That being the case, I agree with others…austerity plan and fund college. Your income is a lot higher than most. </p>
<p>If you pick an instate public university, you could easily fund…and save your money for the other two kids…or grad school.</p>
<p>Just an FYI…Stanford has amongst the most generous need based financial aid out there AND the toughest competition for admission. Their generous aid does you NO GOOD unless you are in the 9% or so who are accepted. Translation 91% are rejected and in that applicant pool are some VERY well qualified applicants. This is a lottery school. Do not count on admissions!</p>
<p>However, as stated upstream, if your daughter really has the stats to be a competitive applicant for Stanford, she would certainly be able to garner significant need based aid elsewhere.</p>
<p>Do NOT count on an inheritance. The money could be left to any number of charities, or get gobbled up if either or both grandparent needs long term medical care.</p>
<p>Also…what if your daughter doesn’t do the major the grandparents want…or get the job they want? Will they sue HER for repayment of college costs?</p>
<p>Sorry, but the scenario as the OP describes it would make me stay away from the grandparents as a source of college funding, no matter how wealthy they seem to be.</p>
<p>If they care that much, they will give money directly to your daughter periodically as gifts.</p>
<p>Data…the OP will only have ONE kid in college when the first is a freshman. There will be NO need based aid that year AT ALL…regardless of the college. Not at Stanford, not anywhere!</p>
<p>But with a $250,000 income, I’m not sure I see the issue. After taxes, he has $170,000. If he paid the full cost of attending Stanford, he would still have $100,000 plus for other expenses.</p>
<p>My my, haven’t you heard of beggars can’t be choosers? </p>
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<p>If you do this you are poisoning your D1’s relationship with her grandparents. In case of inheritance, haven’t you heard of charitable donations? Never assume they will leave money to your Ds.
We are only hearing your side of the story and I suggest you rely on yourself to take care of your kids, have some backbone.</p>
<p>If the other daughters are 2 and 3 years behind the first…the OP will only have three in college for ONE year…the year D1 is a senior. </p>
<p>Most of the most generous schools WILL ask for financial information from the non-custodial parent usually using the NCP Profile. Mom will be asked to provide HER financials including any monies held in trust for HER as beneficiary. If she owns a home, her home equity will count too, as will any investment income.</p>
<p>Need based aid is calculated using the previous year’s income. Bankruptcy in the past won’t matter a bit. It WILL matter if the dad is anticipating taking out private loans…although he would like.y qualify for a Parent Plus.</p>
<p>But really with that income…no loans should be needed.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper. If I were in your position, I would make college plans based on what you can count on - your salary, not any offers from others.</p>
<p>Don’t let the offer to pay half change your sense of how much you can afford - what YOU can afford is still the same.</p>
<p>If they come through with half, that’s great - put the half you’re saving into a 529 account, to be available for all 3 girls as needed. That way if the granparents don’t come through at some point, or ask for their money back, you have it available without dipping further into your reserves.</p>
<p>As to how to address this with your daughter, tell her what you can afford, and let her work with that. She can treat the grandparents’ money like a scholarship - complete with stipulations. Some scholarships require you to maintain a certain GPA, or remain in a specific program, so any stipulations from the grandparents should be treated the same way - and should be agreed upon between her and her grandparents - this is not for you to negotiate. Then if they change their mind, it’s on them, and you face no blame. She’s the one with the relationship, let her deal with it.</p>
<p>OP, do you have any retirement assets left? That should be a BIG factor in determining how much you can afford to pay for your D’s college educations. If you have no retirement assets, even had a 50/50 split for all three been offered you might not be able to afford pricey schools. Nobody is going to offer you loans or scholarships for retirement. Make sure you are maximizing 401k contributions if your employer has one.</p>
<p>You’re kidding, right? There are countless other things they could do with their money than leave it to their grandchildren. </p>
<p>You seem like a nice person but you also seem to be having a hard time grasping that these people owe you and your children nothing. Nothing. It’s their money. I think setting up your daughter to count on an inheritance is a very bad idea. Teach your daughters to deal with the here and now in a responsible, self-reliant way. You cannot go wrong with that path and if the inheritance comes, it will be a nice extra in their lives.</p>
<p>Avoid a lot of this by having the Ds apply to schools where their stats would give a lot of merit money. In the state of Calif (as well as other states) there are a number of schools that give very good merit…Santa Clara, USD, USF, Redlands, LMU, St. Mary’s, Whittier College, Chapman Univ, and others.</p>
<p>Even if people seem to have plenty of money, they can spend it on travel, jewelry, entertaining and then lose their investments in bad real estate or bad stocks or a ponzi scheme or just plain use it up liquidating it for old age. If the GPs live like they will always have a lot of money, it is possible there will be nothing left. Make your decisions based on nothing from them and let anything offered be a blessing not a requirement to finish the plan.</p>