<p>
THe thing is that a large, four-year commitment requires a level of trust which I can’t imagine would be present in this relationship. What if the GPs decide after paying for two years that they don’t like something the father has done and decide to cut off aid? To me, that’s just unbelievably risky. I also think the daughter should be spoken to honestly and calmly so she can be a part of the decision making process long before the applications are sent.</p>
<p>Since both parents of this older D are remarried to others, OP needs to identify what their budget is from savings, current income & loans.
Both families income & assets will be considered when applying to private schools that use PROFILE.
However,state schools use FAFSA, & if despite your income there were not accts set aside for educational expenses, a state school will only consider the custodial parents income & assets.
With your blended family, educational expenses are going to be ongoing for a while, but there are many affordable schools & “dream” school, is an artifical construct.
Your “dream” is what you make it.</p>
<p>One of D’s friends in college was being funded by a grandparent. For some reason that we never learned, the GP stopped paying and her friend had to transfer back to her home state mid-year as a sophomore. Because of her major and the transfer, she had to go a 5th year to graduate. I’m imagining her parents wish they had not relied on the GP.</p>
<p>“Your “dream” is what you make it.” </p>
<p>Yup. </p>
<p>OP, I have been a single parent for sixteen years. If there is one thing I know (and sometimes I feel like there is only one thing…), it’s to only rely on yourself. Assume nothing, count on nothing. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like you need to take the advice of those who recommend a lifestyle change. You have sufficient income to work with to do this. It will require choices - maybe changing neighborhoods, maybe changing vehicles, eliminating optional activities and expenses - but you have to determine the value of those things with the value of the trade-off. And you also have to be prepared to change course along the way.</p>
<p>I had a nasty divorce and we have moved around a lot. But each time we moved, it was for a better long-term situation for my Ds. We moved two hours away for relocation of my job. That later resulted in a significant increase in my income, an MBA paid for by my employer and tremendous opportunities for my children. My older D had a unique opportunity presented to her at age 14 that would change her life. We made the decision to sell our home and use the equity to fund her opportunity and relocate several states away for it. I was on pace to have enough saved for my younger D’s college when 2008-09 happened. My job was eliminated, I had to relocate to another state for a new job, I couldn’t sell our townhouse for two years… the long-term choice was a hardship and yet the right one for my younger D. I bought a two bedroom condo (face it, you’ll have an empty nest in just a few short years and won’t need a house for six people) walking distance from work right before the FAFSA base year on a short sale - got a heck of a deal and had very little equity at the time of FAFSA filing. Structured a car loan so that it would be paid off right before that first tuition bill is due - FAFSA doesn’t care about my car, and now I have that extra current income cash for tuition. We didn’t plan on any of these things, but we sacrificed and re-vamped the plan as it became necessary. Sometimes you just need to get creative.</p>
<p>My ex is a deadbeat, and yes we have a judge’s order that says he has to pay for half of college but let’s face it - you can’t get blood from a stone. He filed bankruptcy while my D was applying to colleges. Count on no one but yourself. If the GPs assist along the way, it will be a gift with no strings attached. I would much rather my children know that THEY need to rely on themselves as well.</p>
<p>*Quote:
I would not cut off my nose to spite my face, in situations like this.
*</p>
<p>I don’t think this is such a situation. I would be afraid that the grands would use this as a control issue. Once D1 is loving her new pricey school, the grands could start making demands, such as insisting the dad start giving his exwife money or something like that. I wouldn’t give them that club. These aren’t good people. Anyone who could be so insensitive to the pain that they’re causing the younger kids cannot be considered to be a “nice person.” These people practice economic control.</p>
<p>You’d also have to claim the GPs money as part of your assets.</p>
<p>What I would do, is just assume good intentions even if you have reason to believe otherwise, & tell GPs that if they really want to contribute, that it would work best to make a gift to D to help with her loans after she earns her degree.</p>
<p>Perhaps by that time the relationship between all your kids & GPs will have improved.
That seems to be the most important part in this scenario, IMO.
You can always get more money, but you can’t buy new grandparents.</p>
<p>I think most of the salient points have been brought up but it’s likely that the OP’s situation is not adequately captured by the info we have in the posts. Thus he will have to make a final decision confident that his own assessment of the situation is betterinformed than any of ours. </p>
<p>For example, any decision he makes regarding the GF will impact his relationship with all of his children and his wife (there was a post that said he has a new wife, right?). In an ideal world, we could separate these, but in reality, that is not true, as he explicitly states in his first post.</p>
<p>So if he declines the money, there will be issues to discuss with his daughters. If he chooses to try to cut back on his lifestyle, he is going to have to get his current spouse and daughters to buy into that decision. Etc. </p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t make a definitive statement not to accept any money from GF, but the concerns about using money to manipulate are valid and the history does have a lot of red flags. If he had an adequate backup plan (alternative funding if GP bail and enough awareness from all parties to avoid succumbing to emotional blackmail) it might be worth trying to keep that possibility open. Of course, he knows them best and what I sense from his posts is that this scenario is not likely. I would support a decision to politely decline financial assistance with strings in the interest of his emotional health. But again, daughters and spouse effects should be anticipated and ideally dealt with preemptively. </p>
<p>Good luck navigating the minefield!</p>
<p>I’'m reading the first post which seems to focus on the fact that GP will split the cost of D1 but won’t for the other two kids, so the OP doesn’t want to take anything fro D1 without some commitment for D2 and D3. My stance on that, is “so what if GPs don’t pay for D2 and D3”? More for them, if they help pay for D1. To me, if that is the issue, then the OP is biting off his nose to spite his face. Maybe GP don’t want to pay for the other two, Maybe they need to think about it. One thing at a time, IMO. </p>
<p>Now the trustworthy part, and the holding it over one’s head, and the strings attached, all come later. Basically, GP can set up a 529 for all four years of D1 or some other such arrangement if those are issues. But the original issue, was that OP did not want to take money for just one daughter because he felt that dealing with this favoritism by grandparents, in fact, the name of this thread, is harmful to the other kids, and clearly put his nose out of join. Me, I think I could deal with it just fine. I have lots of kids and, yes, the oldest got a lot more as the first baby in the family in years. My niece gets a lot for being the first girl in over 50 years. So what? My kids, my nephew deal with it just fine because we don’t make a big deal about it We don’t bend over backwards trying to make things exactly fair. If the opportunity is there for GP to pay for Kid 1’s college, I’m not going to be asking the same for Kid 2, 3, 4, etc. Take the money for K1 and deal with that issue at hand.</p>
<p>The part of GP’s reneging on payments does happen a lot, however, I have to agree. My MIL started to give us money for 529s for the kids. Just couldn’t do it after the first year. Too much money for her to part, lost interest. just flat out didn’t want to do it. Paid for music lessons for the first one, came to every recital with bells on for him wouldn’t pay a dime for the rest. But you know, what we got for that was just a little something extra, and good for K1. I’m not going to turn down something because I can’t get a future commitment. Totally folly and a whole other thing from making sure I am not dependent on the gift. No, I do not think it’s a good idea depending on anyone’s word that four years’ of college will be paid. Gotta see the money upfront before making a commitment of that sort. But if DD1 gets into a school, and Dad can do it if GP pays all of year 1, and leaves the rest for Dad to cover, in other words pays about a quarter of the cost, I think he should go for it Getting snippy to someone who is offering to pay for something for your family just doesn’t seem to be a smart idea.</p>
<p>As for funding a divorce and the mud slinging, what the heck to expect? I’ve seen too many wonderful civilized people go nuts in these wars, and would not expect any less than my ex’s parents and family to back him, not me. It’s the way families work, and I understand that. DOn’t like it, but it’s reality, and when things stabilize you try to keep the peace and don’t get petty, nasty and stupid about it. </p>
<p>You realize that the D1 is going to be a legal adult very soon? What if GPs offer to pay for her wedding? But won’t commit for D2 and D3? You gonna make a stink about that too? Or buy her a house and not the other two? Or leave a nice inheritance for her and not the others? The best way to deal with this is to take it in stride, take whatever they give, graciously and in a way to reduce home costs so that everyone benefits somehow so GPs don’t shut down the giving and sneak it over the D1, which I suspect they will do. And if Dad is acting about a jerk about it, D1 will likely keep mum and absolutely no one else will benefit. That’s all Dad is doing with this attitude or teaching D1 to put her nose up to the offers and snub them so that Mom gets the entire inheritance or it goes to a bunch of stray cats. Yes, I’ve seen it happen when some idiot family member gives others with the money a pain in the neck. </p>
<p>What I am saying here is for Dad to keep his head about him, keep the priorities in mind, and not bite off his nose to spite his face, and those of his entire family.</p>
<p>That’s the way I rock, anyways.</p>
<p>Sorry meant GP not GF.</p>
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<p>Someone is drinking an awful lot of Kool-Aid.</p>
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<p>GREAT post, northeastmom.</p>
<p>I really agree with post 148. I think the OP was rude and obnoxious to his in-laws. </p>
<p>Paying someone’s tuition doesn’t count as a gift. Giving someone money does. The GPs may be aware of this. </p>
<p>We also do not know WHY the grandparents favor one child. Reading this thread, you’d think that all such preferences are irrational. They aren’t. Sometimes, in a situation like this, it is that one child made the effort to stay in touch with mom and/or grandparents after the divorce and the others didn’t. </p>
<p>I know a case in which the grandparents are immigrants. They speak English but are more fluent in their mother tongue. One grandchild took an interest in it and learned it. She later took classes in it in college. She is fluent. Her siblings took no interest in it. They are incapable of having the same sort of conversations with their grandparents as this one child does. They paid for her study abroad in that country. They would not pay for study abroad in other countries for the other grandkids. Is that really so unreasonable?</p>
<p>I just don’t think we should accept the idea that the GPs are awful controlling people just because the OP says they are. It’s funding the legal expenses in an effort to help your D keep custody of her children really so terrible? </p>
<p>There are two sides to every story. </p>
<p>I feel sorry for the D.</p>
<p>I frequently agree with your posts, Jonri.</p>
<p>But, I don’t really think it matters how the OP was towards his ex-inlaws. These people are not his children, and his children ARE their grandchildren. I’m never impressed with favoritism shown towards children who aren’t of majority age. </p>
<p>It’s narcissistic. Love flows FROM adult TO child. Later on, maybe it evens out and then switches course. But, as children? I never believe there is a valid reason, barring violent or abusive behavior on the part of the young women, which I highly doubt, for favoritism towards one CHILD over other CHILDREN.</p>
<p>That said, this guy would have to have sieve for a brain to count on them to foot a bill he cannot afford himself.</p>
<p>When a relationship is not going well? I look to the adult to ask why, not the child.</p>
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<p>Depends. I do believe there’s some validity to favoritism towards children/grandchildren if it’s based on the favored being better at observing basic courtesies such as spending meaningful time with the GP/older relatives or in the case of college…whether a given child shows strong academic promise versus someone who is an academic mediocrity/screwup or shows no interest in higher education. </p>
<p>Treat your GP/older relatives badly by being rude, ignoring them, or otherwise not showing them basic courtesies due them will naturally result in them showing less favor in return. In some ways, this is good preparation for learning how to make friends and influence people out in the adult world…especially those who are non-family members. </p>
<p>As for the latter, it is a form of risk management to ensure extended family money being spent on higher education goes to those with the most promise and who fully understand and appreciate what a college education can offer them.</p>
<p>I wish we had the type of GPs to give any of our kids any money. Favoritism would be just fine. And if any did, I know better that to count on the money, as I truly have seen the rug pulled too many times. My son’s best friend was told by his grandfather that he would pay for his college. Yes, I even heard him say so with my own ears. But when it came time to write the check, well,…NYU was more than he expected, and so he paid the tution, but not anything else. Which was still a great bonus. Except, he would not do it again, and there were 3 more years to go. </p>
<p>My college son’s grand dad is balking right now about paying for the rest of college after making a big ado about saying he’d foot the bill. Yes, he knew the amount, but I don’t think he got how it feels to pay that big chunk. Has done it two years in a row, and they are going to wheedle one more year at least out of him they thing, but all 4 years is up in the air as he really does not want to pay it. Slow business, some losses, higher bills than expected and, man, $60K REALLY hurts.</p>
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<p>Both OP and daughters are apparently due for reality check time.</p>
<p>If OP makes $266,000 - and adds $100,000- that would be top 1%.
Subtract $100,000 from OP income & he still would be in the top 10%.
For Sanfrancisco, $72,947 is median household income according to most recent census.
So OP is collecting way over double the income other households in SF are living on.</p>
<p>So really, why does he need his former inlaws to help him pay his bills?
I would be embarrassed as heck to be in that position and I sure wouldn’t ask for financial help. If they offered, I would tell them to hold onto their money, because they might need it.
Aging in America is very expensive.</p>
<p>OP has my sympathy. He’s a new member of CC, and he has a serious concern. Notice he said “overt favoritism” in his post, plus bad divorce, his ex alienated from her own parents, the grandparents who are subject of his post. It’s disheartening to see him castigated for his supposedly offensive behavior based upon a few short paragraphs of family history. </p>
<p>I’ve narcissistic parents who’ve made “we’ll pay” offers, who meddle, who indulge in blatant favoritism, etc. Their negative traits can cause problems at home for us too, and I’ve long learned that “talk is cheap” and so are my wealthy parents. When my parents are generous, we thank them upon receipt, but we don’t plan based on their unlikely promises. We/DS too were repeatedly promised “we’ll pay for college”, even advocating a particularly expensive university for our oldest, through first three years of college. And then silence, and certainly no big check, or college savings account. I don’t expect their help, because it’s not sincerely offered. But if DS received a tuition payment, he’d send his thank you note as expected, and I wouldn’t expect anything reciprocal for the other kids, unless it actually happens.</p>
<p>*I really agree with post 148. I think the OP was rude and obnoxious to his in-laws. *</p>
<p>I don’t know if the OP was rude or not to his in-laws. The issue may be more stemming from the divorce, the cause of the divorce, etc. The OP has custody of these people’s grandkids, yet they seemed determined to financially hurt him. Didn’t it occur to them that doing so would hurt their grandkids? </p>
<p>Maybe the Grands didn’t realize he’d end up with physical custody? But, they should be able to “do the math” and realize that if they offer to only pay half of ONE child’s pricey education that he may not have the money to pay the other half, nor pay for the other two, simply because of how they manipulated financial devastation .</p>
<p>I do wonder about the reason to disfavor the younger D’s. That just seems odd to me.</p>
<p>Perhaps the younger Ds are not academically inclined and the GPs see giving money to the oldest D as some kind of merit scholarship.OP mentioned in another thread that his step D doesn’t have the grades and will go the cc route.</p>
<p>*It’s disheartening to see him castigated for his supposedly offensive behavior based upon a few short paragraphs of family history. *</p>
<p>According to the initial post by OP, grandparents made a vague comment in the past. It might have even been from before the divorce.</p>
<p>However OP remembered that apparently off-hand comment and then brought up the subject later to pin down details.
It does not sound like Grandparents had made repeated offers as did the Gps that others have alluded to, because it was OP that even brought it up again, not the grandparents.</p>
<p>Other posters as well as myself have evoked skepticism at the thought that someone making upwards of $200,000 needs help with their bills.
How is that castigating/ reprimanding severely?
One of the strengths of CC is dispelling myths.
Its pretty hard to do that, *and tell the OPs whatever they want to hear<a href=“although,%20that%20is%20what%20many%20posters%20often%20are%20looking%20for,%20especially%20if%20they%20are%20students”>/i</a></p>
<p>So sorry that the most helpful posters here dont pull any punches, but this is the big leagues!!!
;)</p>