<p>
How better to hurt a parent than to come between his children? I had a grandfather who did that. He split my mother’s four kids in half with money for the sole purpose of destroying her family. He sure was a swell guy!</p>
<p>Plus, who knows why anyone has favorites. Maybe the grandparents spent more time with the older daughter than the younger because of the divorce and legal issues or something.</p>
<p>Also (if we’re speculating) GP’s might think younger Ds took dad’s side or anti-GP’s/Mom’s side in the divorce and attendant proceedings…eg not attending holidays or being as involved with GP’s during the mess which probably took at least three years from start to finish.</p>
<p>My in laws always have a favorite and they make it obvious and it tends to be whomever they last had quality contact with. Funny thing is, I have seen them get off the phone with one of my DDs and then by the next day the phone call is remembered as being from another DD. Crazy, there is just no fighting it, the only way to win is not to play the game…like that 80s movie, War Games.</p>
<p>“Grands dislike younger D’s”
I had a neighbor (and they weren’t rich) who had this problem. GPs would show up with huge presents for one kid and none for the other. None of this had to do with step kids or divorce or anything else.
It was constant turmoil–do GPs not visit at all? Don’t accept any gifts and just make things more uncomfortable?
Eventually it boiled down to “your GPs are weird and old, they’ll be gone soon”.</p>
<p>“Sorry…but I would scrub floors nights to finance college myself under these circumstances.”</p>
<p>x 1000.</p>
<p>For whatever reason, the OP and his DDs have interactions with the GPs despite their roles in the divorce. From what I have seen, thing can get horribly nasty in divorce cases and, yes, GPs and other family members get involved, sometimes dragged into the fray. When it’s all over, or things have settled, everyone tries to normalize relationships, albeit with baggage and cautiously, and if the kids want to see the GPs and there could be more court and counseling issues on the horizon, the least harmful way to go is let family members visit with each other. </p>
<p>I would let the GPs give what they want and just smile and nod. Don’t count on it now, for college or even as an inheritance for any of the kids either. Just take it as it comes. By working with the GPs and keeping your feelings to yourself, you are likely increasing your chances of being kept in the loop. My friend’s parents went directly to the kid as soon as they could when they didn’t want to deal with the flak my friend was giving them about parity among the GPs. It’s their business as to which kids they want to favor. The kids are not so young anymore and it’s not going to be a secret. Keeping it out in the open without emotion is the best way to go, IMO. Keep it light, keep it moving. Yes, there is some bad past history here, so don’t get too close or involved, but keep the war going is not smart or helpful to the kids either. </p>
<p>OP, this does happen a lot, by the way, even in families that have not been through as much as your with the divorce and the GPs jumping in full force. Some people just have no common sense or manners that way. Some just don’t realize what they are doing, some don’t care. Though I make an attempt to treat my nieces and nephews equally, that is not always the case with others in the family, and when members get miffed, i tell the to keep it cool. Not the end of the world. Your children will take a lot of their cues from you in terms of being upset and feeling insulted.</p>
<p>Smile and nod is good advice.</p>
<p>Give your daughter a budget for what you will pay for college – whether it is the full cost of attendance at a UC campus, or something else, and make sure she knows that the bottom line number has to fall within that. She needs some colleges on her list that give substantial merit awards to students with her stats. Financial aid might be a problem at even the most generous schools even with multiple kids in school if mom won’t fill out a non-custodial profile every single year.</p>
<p>In April of senior year, have a celebration with the grandparents and let your daughter tell them where she’s going to college. If they offer to pay part, smile, nod and be happy – and set aside what you otherwise would have paid to beef up what is available for the younger two.</p>
<p>Congratulations on keeping up any kind of relationship with your in-laws after what sounds like an ugly divorce. I hope you can keep it going for the sake of your kids.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is what it boils down to, OP.</p>
<p>I had a neighbor (and they weren’t rich) who had this problem. GPs would show up with huge presents for one kid and none for the other. None of this had to do with step kids or divorce or anything else.
It was constant turmoil–do GPs not visit at all? Don’t accept any gifts and just make things more uncomfortable?
Eventually it boiled down to “your GPs are weird and old, they’ll be gone soon”.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I would not allow this. This is a form of child abuse and allowing it to go on in one’s home makes the parents’ part of the abuse. The role of parents is to PROTECT children from others abusing their kids. If my kids had Grands who obviously favored one child, then those Grands would become persona non grata in my home. Period. That would be the only way to set boundaries and force the Grands into a decision: behave appropriately and be able to see the fav child and the other children, or continue being insensitive and see no one.</p>
<p>(just had a wild-haired thought…I wonder if the grands favor the oldest D because she resembles their side of the family, while the other 2 Ds resemble the dad’s side??? I just remembered a case like that. One side didn’t like the red-haired kids because those kids looked like the ex’s family. how crazy can you get??? )</p>
<p>Just a quick comment of being more affluent than the other 95%. The income of $250,000 is far closer to poverty than the upper 1/2%. And the upper 1%is closer to the lowest 1%in income as compared to the upper .2%. Yet the tax rates and expenses are virtually the same! An earlier poster stated that the after state and local taxes is the Bay Area an individual earning $250,000 would have $170,000? Not even close! Also what about property taxes? You are quick to
Point out that the other 95% are struggling. A good part of those 95% are either receiving tremendous aid, are not reporting there true income ( Good morning), or both. Yes it’s great to be taxed at similar rates to individuals where taxes would not impinge on their life styles, however, $ 250,000 is at a level that sounds great but in certain circumstances moves right down the economic ladder. ( Two advanced high school teachers easily make this amount with 4-5 months off on Long Island). It’s NOT a lot of money. Get with it!</p>
<p>Liberty, we only get our income taxes raised at 400K or 450K (Married filing jointly), now. Some taxes do start at 250K, and a few kick in at or around the 300K level. So, yeah, its important to know the new tax laws, if this is your case.</p>
<p>But, I don’t believe this is wealthy. I simply believe it is enough to afford college. If it is not enough to afford college, then the person will have to make changes to make it happen. It is upper middle class in that area of the country, and college can be paid for.</p>
<p>Liberty, please don’t suggest that $250,000 is close to poverty. It makes you look foolish. $250,000 is a significant amount of money. Even if taxes are as high as you are claiming, you still end up with more in your pocket than those with less. A good part of the 95% are receiving tremendous aid - really? Maybe those with the lowest income - less than 20% of your $250,000!</p>
<p>Whether $250,000 a year constitutes “wealthy” or not is irrelevant. It is enough to be able to afford college. Circumstances may dictate which college, but a solid education is affordable. Why should a family in that income range be exempt from having to face tough decisions? When we ran the NPC with our daughter, we saw vast differences, and had to knock some schools off her list - because we won’t let her saddle herself with significant debt. </p>
<p>If you honestly believe that $250,000 is NOT a lot of money, I suggest you try living on even just $100,000 and see if you can tell the difference. The American way seems to be to take whatever you get, and expect more and more.</p>
<p>
It really does depend on what the legal fees were and when. A comfortable family can be wiped out by a wealthier adversary in legal proceedings. Also, the timing is important in letting money be saved for college. But I ultimately agree that the people on the other side of those legal proceedings shouldn’t be trusted with helping to provide a college education for the kids of the parent they opposed. That’s just too important of an issue to rely on someone with a history of doing harm. Sometimes things suck. It would suck if the money expected to be relied on for college had gone to legal fees against other family members, but if that’s what happened, then that’s what happened and plans should be made based on the reality of the situation.</p>
<p>“Point out that the other 95% are struggling. A good part of those 95% are either receiving tremendous aid,”</p>
<p>So why not volunteer to trade places for all that marvelous aid they’re getting, if their lifestyles are so terrific? It’s like begrudging someone for being handicapped because look at the great parking spaces they get.</p>
<p>$250K is not a lot of money when you live right up to the limits of it. Live like a family who earns $50K, and that’s a whole lot of story. I don’t believe that there is a whole lot of cheating and getting fin aid on those incomes and with direct IRS verification of amounts, there will be less. Some cheating, yes, always occurs. Cheating on taxes too, but as a rule, I don’t think so.</p>
<p>However, there are a lot of circumstances where a family that is living the $250K life or even more that really don’t have the money and not even making anywhere close to it . One can be subsidized by others and not have that show up anywhere if it is done in certain ways, many of them legal. I have neighbor who lives in a very expensive house, with every amenity and kids getting all kinds goodies, but she and her DH don’t make much money at all. They qualify for PELL, yes, PELL. And a number of other low income subsidies for utilities and other things. Grandparents lend them money each year. They pay interest on the loan which is really just a return of part of what they borrow. </p>
<p>My son’s SO and her sister drive brand new, very nice cars, courtesy of their GPs . Also nice clothes and other amenities as GPs feel like paying.</p>
<p>If this family has significant debt that it’s paying back, and that’s what’s causing the inability to pay much for college, then it’s time to have the “money talk” with D1 so that she doesn’t get set on attending a school that isn’t affordable (the dad claims that paying for a CSU would be difficult and that tuition is about $6500…so with R&B, under $20k.)</p>
<p>As Cptofthehouse aptly put it in another thread, “throw a Hail Mary” to a few top schools and see what they offer, but include some schools that you know for sure that your D will get very large ASSURED merit for her stats (not just competitive merit that she may not get). If your D hesitates about applying to some of those schools, then you might want to do what some parents do and that’s insist on a few “parent picks”. Those would be schools that you’ll insist that your child apply to that you know for sure will be affordable, you’re pretty certain that she would like if she had to attend, and don’t require a time-consuming app process.</p>
<p>Yes, if this is a debt issue, the OP is going to have to bite the bullet and have the “money talk.” </p>
<p>It’s a tough talk in a family where a kid has probably been told all her life that her only job is “to get in.” The realities may be different.</p>
<p>I can see, too, if it is a debt issue, related to expenses in a divorce, caused by grandparents paying for attorneys, then the GPs offering vague and nebulous, “Oh, we’ll pay half… maybe… as long as we feel like it and like the kid involved” could be a huge problem. Nobody wants to be the one to say, “I can’t count on your GPs.” </p>
<p>But, there you have it.</p>
<p>More harsh realities for the children of divorce. It is what it is.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>ETA: I don’t agree with the people on this thread who are acting as if it is somehow Dad’s job to “make sure” the GPs and D have a good relationship. If the GPs want a good relationship with D, that’s up to them. Dad just has to state the facts in a dispassionate fashion, not scramble to people please people who have clearly treated him badly and do not wish him well.</p>
<p>There is more info on a thread started by the OP in the financial aid forum, I believe!</p>
<p>I have not read through all of the responses.</p>
<p>If I were in this position I would NOT accept a dime. That is very freeing. I would also not want the GPs to have input as to where my children attend college. I would not accept money if it comes with all types of stipulations, and/or does not treat all of my children fairly. </p>
<p>I have had one GP trying to strong arm my kids on where to apply and where to attend without offering a dime of assistance. We smiled and nodded and then our kids and we had a seperate conversation with our children. GP did not influence college choices. Our children also were instructed to smile and nod and not get into the specifics until a decision was made. </p>
<p>We had discussions with our kids not to fall in love with any schools. We let them know we had to compare costs after all merit and FA offers came in. We had them apply to lots of schools, some that were not “household brand name schools”, and some in state options. They did not get a sense of entitlement because they “worked hard in high school”, or because friends were headed to expensive schools like NYU which we could never afford! Once all bottom line costs to us were in, our kids each had 4 or 5 schools on the table to pick from. None of our kids felt that we denied them good choices, etc. We also told them that if they could not make a school work for them and be happy going there, they should not apply in the first place. This avoided all sour grapes/ grass is greener somewhere else types of thoughts at the end of April, when decisions needed to be made. Hope this helps!</p>
<p>I didn’t catch the link between the post in the Fin Aid forum and this one. OP, it seems to me with your oldest, having 2 in college at the same time with your step DD, some help from GP would be quite welcome. It’ll may be a little easier when the two oldest are done , to pay for your youngest two if you don’t put yourself in too much debt with the oldest ones.</p>
<p>I would not cut off my nose to spite my face, in situations like this.</p>