This is an interesting article (from Feb 2014) which has some interesting thoughts on marriages today (author has co-written a few Social Psychology/Self and Relationship books):
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html?_r=0
If I read the article correctly, the biggest change in marriage were the expectations about it, and I can agree to that. For much of time, marriages were generally a kind of contract, that bound the two people together, and in most societies in effect were ownership of the wife by the husband, she went from being ‘owned’ by her family to being ‘owned’ by her husband. That changed in the late 19th century, as women achieved rights outside the marriage, like owning property and being able to enter into contracts, but marriage was still this contract that was supposed to be inviolate, in many places divorce was either illegal, or difficult to get. And the standard line about a successful marriage was to ‘put up with it’, whether it was for the kids or religious reasons or whatnot.
That started changing when divorce became easier, and then after women seriously started achieving some measure of equality outside the home, specifically with economically being able to support themselves. They no longer were being told by their parents and society her duty was to her husband and kids, no matter what, and as a result expectations have been changing, and this article I think is pretty spot on, that in marriage both men and women have high expectations on what they need and to be happy.
I disagree with the article, though, on somehow that marriages back in the day were happier for most people, I think back then that the happiness (or lack thereof) was hidden behind a lot of playing to the public. It was much like claims of moral superiority of prior generations, it wasn’t that they were more more moral (they weren’t, the mores of Victorian society were not what is claimed by many today, it was in Victorian society it was anything went, as long as it was hidden behind the veil of propriety), it was they hid the morally ‘shocking’, and it was much the same with marriage, I suspect marriages were probably not more happy for the most part, but rather than people were taught/they caught, that you don’t complain about things, that with marriage, it is expected you make it work, and if you aren’t happy, well, that is life. On the outside, all was smiles and whatnot, on the inside, all it takes is reading memoirs of people of that generation, read the diaries of married women, to realize how much was just window dressing, that there were a lot of miserable people in marriages who had no out.
I can believe that those who work at marriage and on fulfilling one another do have happier marriages, part of that is when you work towards being happy, you also learn the art of compromise and realizing that what makes you happy isn’t entirely what works for another, and that give and take makes a big deal, among other thing, it shows respect to the other person. On the other hand, I suspect the marriages beneath this level suffer from the same problem they always did, that while the people aren’t happy, or as happy as they would wish to be, they still ‘gut it out’ rather than work on it. The most miserable get divorced, but in that mid range, you have varying levels of happiness and satisfaction along with a lot of ‘I only could wish’.Like I said before, I doubt that people in this mid range are less happy than people in prior generations, I think that it is in prior generations they were programmed to put happiness ad such as being ‘selfish’ feelings, and that their duty was to put up with what they have, whereas people today expect to be happy, but in that middle don’t know how to work towards it.
It may seem like this has nothing to do with issues with inlaws, but it does, because in both cases in deals with how to get others to treat you as you want to be treated, setting boundaries and compromising, and bad in laws are like bad spouses, they generally don’t want to compromise and don’t understand that someone else’s needs and wants in the relationship matter, so you end up with one side dominating and another angry and resentful, I also would bet that with bad inlaws, if you looked at their own relationship, it probably would be a mirror of that within the marriage.
People consciously or unconsciously sometimes repeat behaviors from the adults around them during formative years and beyond. Sister’s ex-MIL was very badly treated by her own MIL who thought she was very unworthy, lower socio-economic class - so her H and all her sons treated her like dirt from that cue. If my sister had been around them more, she would have figured that out. Sister also thought she was marrying someone like my dad (who was a wonderful person and terrific businessman) instead of someone like my mom (very dysfunctional and narcissistic personality in addition to bi-polar) - she also didn’t know that her ex’s behavior change from before marriage to after marriage was absolutely a sign - how badly he treated her privately (he kept up a positive front when around other people).
The no-fault divorce, or ‘irreconcilable differences’ - truly every marriage has some topics that the couple do not agree on 100% - so you figure out what is most important to each person and sort it out.
Most marriages have ‘hills and valleys’ - and hopefully both people are not in a valley at the same time. Most, if you let some time pass, will climb out of the valley. Studies have shown that people that stay married, years later are happier than if they had divorced.
Some people are in a second marriage, and somehow find the strength and outside help to work out marital differences, because they don’t want to go through another divorce and they also don’t want to be single and a ‘two time loser’ with marriages. So they try harder.
People don’t realize what an important step marriage is. One can change careers, get different education. Changing on marriages is messy.
Who you marry is the most important decision you’ll ever make.
^^ True, and these days it seems like a very risky decision. If both people stay committed to working through the bumps in the road then it can be a beautiful thing. But sometimes the greatest joy can also give you the greatest pain when you have to go through a divorce. The experience is eye opening and the memory may dim but you never forget it. Honesty, Faithfulness, good communication and lots of trust is needed to maintain good relationships.
I had an arranged marriage that didn’t work out. My DD never met her paternal family and till today they never acknowledged her existence. I often wonder if I had had a son would they have behaved the same way.
I just can’t imagine as a parent pretending that my child doesn’t exist as I feel a life long sense of responsibility.
My hope is that I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as a single parent and make all her dreams come true.
Most importantly I hope she finds someone who truly values and respects her. But first I want her to focus on her education and career goals and wait for the right person meant for her in this life.
@raclut I am curious about an arranged marriage. How much did you know about your spouse? How much time was spent getting to know him before you were married, if any?
@partyof5 It was arranged by family members who had known his family growing up.
He was from abroad and we hardly got a chance to get to know each othe
I can’t even begin with how biased these studies must be. You can’t randomly control for divorce. You can’t pick random couples and say “you, divorce; you, stay married.” I’d guess that the people who stayed married aren’t necessarily happier because they stayed married but because there was something either in their relationship or in themselves that convinced them that marriage was the way to go rather than divorce.
I’m the child of parents who are each in their second marriage (to each other). My dad’s first wife was a high school sweetheart that he knocked up and felt that marrying her was the best option. It wasn’t and they divorced quickly after my sister was born. My mom’s first husband became an abusive alcoholic almost overnight. My parents met while they were going through their respective divorces and have been very happily married to each other for 25+ years. I truly don’t think they “tried harder” with attempt 2 but rather that they chose better partners the second time around.
The older you get, the smarter you get.
If there is some magic formula let me know to a sound and happy marriage. I will make sure to pass that advice to my dd. You can know someone for years and still there is no guarantee that it will last forever.
Also you can meet someone and within months decide to marry and it can last.
I wonder in the future with our kids (millenials) will they have the patience to stick together during the difficult times.
Every marriage has its ups and downs. Are they really ready for a long term commitment with just one person? A lifetime together that is one of the most important decisions one has to make. How will they know is this the person they were destined to be with?
What I find tragic are couples who separate after empty nest and retirement. They have been married a longtime and that becomes part of their identity. You can separate on paper but the emotions and feelings just don’t disappear.
I think as parents we want our kids to be happy and settle down. There is no limit to how much you can spend on a wedding but what is important is the marriage. When I attend a wedding and see the happiness of a couple on their wedding day,. I want those smiles and happy moments to last forever…
I really want everything to work out well for them.
I’ve made a promise to myself that whenever dd gets married I won’t interfere in their life. I will offer guidance and assistance when asked. I don’t want my daughter to feel obligated or any pressure from me to make me happy. I want her priority to be her marriage and gaining acceptance into her new family. If she is happy then I am happy. But if you make her life a living hell then you are going to have to answer to me.
Millenials have figured out the solution: don’t get married.
Divorce rates are at the lowest they’ve been since the 80s but so are marriage rates. Many, many people are choosing to forego marriage all together and choosing to simply cohabitate for very long periods, and even life. And personally, I’ve found no difference between pre-married and married life. We chose to marry for one very practical reason- insurance. Had we lived in a country where insurance wasn’t a constant struggle like the US, Mr R and I would probably never have legally married (until, maybe, kids were in the picture and even that would be just for convenience).
Relating this back to the OP, my in-laws still don’t think of us as married so I guess the piece of paper didn’t make a difference to them 
My BIL just married his long term boyfriend because they were buying property together and it just simplified things greatly. For people who don’t ever intend to marry, please get some legal paperwork together for those long term commitments. Otherwise, those would-be in-laws have the closest legal tie.
I think now young men don’t feel pressure to make a commitment to a lifetime of marriage but when a woman starts to feel my age to have kids is passing then they get anxious. At the same time many women choose to settle down and have kids later in life but that comes with its own risks.
I have friends in their low to mid 40’s who have kids who have graduated from college or close to graduating and they are enjoying life as empty nesters since they had their children in their early 20’s.
Settling down earlier or later in life has its pros and cons. At the same time I know people my age that never got married and here I am with a 20 year old.
I agree with @romanigypsyeyes that marriage rates are going down. You’ll see that even more so in many western european countries. I’d argue it’s kind of an antiquated custom.
I do think waiting until later and later to start having kids isn’t the best trend due to fertility and health issues.
Do you think it is just harder to find a compatible spouse these days for the 20 or 30 somethings?
With all the social media access I would think it is easier for them to network and meet people.
Or is it that they are giving their careers and paying off for college top priority?
Or is it an all about me world?
I am trying to better understand the views of the next generation.
I think its harder, and I think social media makes it worse. It has crippled good communication skills for a large number of millennials, older adults too for that matter.
Our interference, if any, is quite minimum even before they are officially “together”. We even wonder whether we should or should not send a short text message to our grownup whether he has some place (and in which city) to eat his Thanksgiving dinner (hopefully with someone) on the other coast. Really have no point of doing this because we really could not “help” if he ends up having no good plan. (What can we do when separated by thousands of miles?!)
Relationship rates aren’t really going down, just marriage rates are.
People are just putting off marriage. The age at first cohabitation has really changed in several decades. It’s just that people aren’t using it as a quick springboard into marriage any more.
I think some of them don’t want to make the same mistakes their parents did. My two sons are very different from each other personality-wise but both are careful when it come to the dating world. Probably too careful.
While it’s clear marriage rates have gone down, it’s certainly not an antiquated custom in the US. D1 is 25 and has been going to weddings practically every weekend lately, and having to send her regrets to many more.