Dealing with Nosey Friends

Parents Forum
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<p>If the OP’s son is ahead of his peers thanks to the CTY class, then he will be more competitive than they, should they apply to the same colleges. Funny, but when we discover something good, we like to share with others.</p>

<p>However, and for a totally different reason, it might be a good idea to keep one’s list of colleges to oneself. When rejections come, it’s easier to deal with them if others are not asking “Did your get in?”, or crowing because they did, or wondering why you didn’t.</p>

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<p>I agree with marite and other posters that it is probably best to keep one’s personal list of colleges secret. I know that last spring a pall of gloom fell over the senior class and even infected the junior class, as college acceptances and rejections came in. One girl, a top student, was not able to be happy about her acceptance to a wonderful LAC in the midwest, with a strong music program (she is an accomplished musician), because she was rejected from her first choice, Ivy League school. What upset her the most was than another girl was accepted to that school, but turned it down in favor of yet another college. It probably would have been better for everyone if this information had not been public. There were other similar situations.</p>

<p>I think the OPs concern was not really keeping college information private - after all, this information is very easily available to anyone - but worry that her son’s classmates would decide to apply to the colleges on his list just because he had chosen them. I doubt that another, or even several other, applications to a particular college from this HS would affect the son’s chances.</p>

<p>I would also have been unhappy if a group of my son’s friends had followed him to CTY. Part of the experience for him (and it was a great experience last summer and a magical experience this summer) was being completely away from his normal life. If he had been accompanied by a group of friends, it would have interfered with his ability to form a new group with his CTY classmates, and the group experience is almost more important than the academics. I think that around here, everyone has the same idea: my child needs a break from everything and everyone around here. Every child has summer plans, they are all different, and it is unusual for anyone to go off to camp or a program with a friend from home.</p>

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<p>The way to distinguish oneself from all the fellow applicants of the same qualifications is through the essays through which one’s own voice will be clearly heard.</p>

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<p>Interesting. My S attended a summer program for 3 years. In the last summer, a very good friend of his from high school decided to attend as well, no doubt after hearing glowing reports from S. He immediately joined the circle of friends S had made over the previous summers and became an integral part of the circle. Several of S’s friends attended the same high school; it’s known to steer its students to specific programs and competitions. Members of the circle recently had a reunion here; and they continue to communicate via Facebook.</p>

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<p>The kids will get in or not on their own merits; keeping them from applying doesn’t matter. The year my son applied to MIT, four students from his school–which had not sent anyone to MIT in five or six years–applied; two got in. Another four years went by before another student was admitted to MIT.</p>

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<p>We have the bizarre situation I’ve posted about with the mother who attacked my husband, so I told zoosersister that she must keep the schools to which she applies private to prevent that woman from withdrawing her applications or otherwise sabotaging her admissions. Admitedly, this is an extreme case, and Zoosergirl was completely open with where she was applying.</p>

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<p>My post wasn’t about a Me There First mentality, not at all, but when you have people doing something just to copy you, and have not real interest in the activity</p>

<p>My younger says she dpesn’t want to talk about her college hunt too much because she wants it to be her thing, her process</p>

<p>She is totally different in ECs etc than her friends so it isn’t a matter of competition, just her preference</p>

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<p>You know, CGM, your daughter makes a lot of sense. Sometimes a thing is so personal that it would be hard to explain to someone else. Nothing wrong with letting it work itself out in her own way. Which isn’t the same thing as keeping information about opportunities or the application process secret to give yourself a leg up on everyone else.</p>

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<p>After reading this thread, I am not surprised so many of my classmates are jealous, petty and pitiful as far as school/grades are concerned. Some of them in real need of therapy ! It is all due to the parents!!!</p>

<p>I would like to post again JHS comments because i think he put it plain and simple. He is right!</p>

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<p>I don’t know, think about it this way</p>

<p>Why does everyone need to know the OPs sons business, it really is nobody’s business but his own and if he doesn’t want to share, that is his right, if people want to pry and learn his business, he can’t stop that, but he has the right to not have to answer any questions nor share any information he doesn’t want to</p>

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<p>When my Ds appled to camps, they didn’t always want to tell everyone where they were applying, having both had people copy them and THEN hang on them, or try to, at the programs</p>

<p>often the people that don’t come up with their own ideas, etc, can be clingy and needy</p>

<p>and come on, how smart is it to tell tons of people about some scholarship, some program that you are applying to - do you all advertise a job you are applying for? isn’t less competition better?</p>

<p>All those that say, sure tell everyone everything, how many did that when applying for an apartment, or a job, or looking at a car?</p>

52

<p>

Maybe I just interpret social situations differently, but I personally haven’t seen evidence of others “copying” in matters of college admission or, really, much else. Since the OP’s son is apparently a leader, with more impressive accomplishments, why would his friends want to “copy” his list of schools? They should worry about how their chances for admission would be affected by coming from the same hs as the OP’s son, not so much the OP.</p>

<p>As others have pointed out, top tier schools are hardly a secret. If the OP is talking about the usual suspects, it makes sense for high-achieving students to think about them when they’re compiling their lists. If Harvard is on the son’s list, I’d be surprised if any of his friends added it to theirs because they’re “copiers.” </p>

<p>I agree that kids might do well to keep their lists to themselves if they don’t want to have to report on the eventual results which are, of course, no one else’s business.</p>

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<p>When people asked my son about where he was applying he just gave the safeties. He didn’t want them checking back later and to have to give them “bad news”. No one is going to come up to a student after the fact and say, “hey, I asked you where you were applying and you only told me about such and such. You didn’t tell me about Harvard and Yale.”</p>

<p>Just tell people the couple of safety schools you are applying to and they’ll leave you alone. Geez, why is this such a big issue?</p>

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<p>" “I spend a great deal of effort looking into schools for my son as well as providing guidance to him on things he should consider doing. And yes, some of these are to make his “resume” look good to colleges.”</p>

<p>It’s wonderful that you’re helping your S find colleges. I hope you’ll reconsider having your S do things to look good to colleges because that backfires.</p>

<p>What the top colleges look for are students who follow their own passions, particularly students who follow their own passions in ways that it’s clear that the student is forging their own path, not participating in expensive programs that their parents fund.</p>

<p>Unless your kid is Hispanic (particularly Puerto Rican or Mexican because those are the Hispanics underrepresented in college admissions), African American or Native American, his skipping ahead in math isn’t going to open admission doors. There are many Asians and whites who are far ahead in math and who also have 800 SAT math scores.</p>

<p>Now, if he were Asian or white and had written and produced a play, self published a book, was the top Latin scholar in the country, or did something similar in the humanities, that would make him stand out big time because there aren’t those many males who are stellar and highly motivated in that field.</p>

<p>Colleges aren’t going to fill their classes with Asians and whites who are planning on computer, engineering or premed majors. Colleges need to find students who will also take humanities classes.</p>

<p>Even if your kid is planning to apply to MIT, his skipping ahead 2 years in math isn’t going to make him a standout in that pool, where the standout students in math have done RSI.</p>

<p>I also agree with the person who said that top schools don’t have quotas from high schools. I am an alum interviewer from Harvard, and have heard the admissions officers say this, and also have seen the evidence first hand. One year, an excellent EA applicant from my area called me virtually in tears after being deferred. Another student had been accepted EA, and the guidance counselor had told the deferred student that he had no chance of admission because “Harvard never takes 2 from the same h.s.” I told the student that there are public high schools in the country where Harvard may take 20 or more students, and who gets in at any school depends on the whole applicant pool, not just who’s applying from their high school. That spring, the student who had called me got his Harvard acceptance. Harvard had accepted 2 students from my area, and both came from the same h.s.</p>

<p>Personally, I think it’s a big mistake to be selfish when it comes to admissions. The stronger the high schools’ overall applicant pool, the stronger the high school’s reputation will be, and the more attention the top universities will pay to the students at that high school, and the higher the chances are that more students than usual will gain admission to top colleges.</p>

<p>I think you should allow your S to make his own decision about whom to share info with. Since the students are competing with stellar students from across the country, it is highly unlikely that his sharing info will cause him to miss out on opportunities. I’d rather raise a generous student than one who is paranoid and selfish. In the long run, a person’s character will determine where they go in life far more than where they attended college.</p>

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<p>I think some of us need to learn the earth revolves around the sun, not “son”.</p>

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<p>Maybe what I’m having trouble with the use of the word “friends.” I have never felt the need to hide things from my friends because of feelings of competition. I don’t think my daughter does either. Keeping things from “acquaintances” who may have less than friendly reasons for wanting info is something entirely different.</p>

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<p>for those of you who don’t think kids copy, well, they do</p>

<p>I have seen it</p>

<p>If kids will cheat to get ahead, and because they are too lazy to study, you don’t think some will just do what Billy does?</p>

<p>my D applied to a program and got in, this realllly annoying girl actually walked up to my D and said, hey heard you were applying to Such Camp, I will too!! What is you essay about, who is writing your recommendation, etc etc etc </p>

<p>so yes kids copy because often they don’t have their own imaginations, nor drive to look for their own path</p>

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<p>You could also look at it a different way- imitation is the ultimate flattery.</p>

<p>Look, if someone is so threatened that they have to hoard information, keep secrets, so other people don’t “try out”, then they’re obviously not as secure in their self-esteem as they make themselves out to be.</p>

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<p>As a student, that amount of competition is so weird to imagine. My friends I helped each other with applications.
Three of us applied to Cornell, and while no one got in, everyone was certainly supportive of each other.
Also, my friends were probably the most supportive and helpful people when I got my rejection letters, so I was quite thankful that I told them where I was applying.</p>

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<p>It sounds like it really depends on the type of HS the kids are attending, and the atmosphere of the school and the students who attend. A lot of kids here on CC go to extremely competitive college prep-type high schools and as one might expect, the kids are super competitive with each other. </p>

<p>My kids go to a public magnet school in Oregon that so far hasn’t sent anyone to the Ivy League. Most kids go to local colleges or art schools. Some go to community college. Some go out of state, but as I said, none to Ivies. And they’re not competitive with college admissions – no surprise there.</p>

<p>To the OP, if your kid doesn’t want to tell his friends where he is applying, then he should keep the information to himself. Or as was suggested earlier, just mention the safeties, maybe the matches, and leave out the reaches. Problem solved.</p>