My mom probably has a week or so left. She is 95 and ready to go. I visited her last week in CA but am not planning to return for the actual end. I have a very small family and my sister is doing a great job and she lives near our mom. I have never lost anyone that I was really close to. I will sit Shivah (a formal grieving period where people can come and visit) and our Rabbi is aware of my situation. Any advice is appreciated.
Sorry for your impending loss. Surround yourself with family and dear friends as you sit Shiva. Although the finality of death is always difficult you should hold the good and happy memories close and be grateful for your mother’s long life. And after all is said and done, be sure to thank your sister for all she is doing not only for your mom but also for giving your the comfort of knowing that although you may be far away that things are well taken care of.
I, too, am sorry for your impending loss. If it is possible for you to be with your mom at the end, you might want to consider it. This would be for your and your sister’s benefit. It was comforting to me to be with my mom and two of three siblings at my father’s bedside when he died.
Sorry about your mom, fauxmaven. I don’t have much advice except one thing. Other people in your life may seem to expect you to feel this way or that way about it. How you feel is how you feel - there isn’t a right or wrong way. So, if necessary, formulate a few standard responses, thank them for coming/giving/calling, and smile and nod.
My advice is that you should look down the road and ask yourself if there will ever be a time that you may feel differently about not being there when your Mom passes.
I am so sorry for your loss. When you have time, the sticky thread about dealing with parents is a fount of wonderful information. everyone there is so helpful.
My father died last week at 90. We thought we had a little more time, but he died peacefully in his sleep. We are sad, but he lived a very full life and we are glad he wasn’t in pain. We honored him as he would have wanted- with a memorial service celebrating his life presided over by my daighter/his granddaughter who is an Episcopal priest. We cried and laughed and celebrated his life with the small group of friends and family who could attend. It was all perfect. Such is the circle of life.
My dad died suddenly at 83. When I got the call, my first thought was “Oh, Dad, I’m so glad for you.”
My dad had spent several years looking after an older sister who went through a long period of deteriorating health and increasing dependence before she died. The last thing he would have wanted would have been to go through that sort of experience himself. So I was happy for him that his ending was quick and that he was independent to the very end of his life.
But I don’t tell this to many people because they look at me funny.
Everyone has their defense mechanisms when it comes to life’s tragedies, and we shouldn’t try to impose our beliefs on someone else. Some people just do not do well at a death bed and that’s OK. I saw this MANY times working with hospice… judgmental and critical family members who don’t understand why so-and-so wouldn’t be there for the end. What matters is how were you there for them throughout their life.
My dad died at age 84, one month after a massive stroke. That month was mostly awful but after he died, it occurred to me that he and we were fortunate; he could have lived for years, paralyzed, depressed, and miserable, as he was while still conscious about two weeks before he died. I wouldn’t call it a good death but it could have been a worse death.
^^^^I agree.
I imagine fauxmaven’s decision to visit when he/she did was well thought out and discussed with family. Unfortunately between work, finances, and life in general there are many times when imperfect choices have to be made. Not everyone can travel to and fro at will even in difficult times and an extended visit or two trips may not be a viable option.
I for one can absolutely understand why fauxmaven chose to see spend time with her mother when she was alive rather than wait until she passed to go to CA. A decision like this is unique to each individual and each family situation. IMO this is a time to send words of comfort to the bereaved, it is not the time for anyone to be second-guessing a choice the OP has already made.
fauxmaven, I’m sorry.
My dad passed two years ago, and the hardest part was the part you’re in now – the waiting. I remember feeling like I was in a state of suspended animation. It was hard to put one foot in front of the other, and the stupidest things, like a jammed copier at work, could reduce me to tears. Your grieving has already begun, but it can’t officially begin. It’s really hard.
teriwtt is right – there is no right or wrong way to get through this. You do what helps you. Personally, it helped me to talk, but only to people who didn’t try to “fix” me or my dad. If you have people who are good listeners, lean on them. I also wrote – a lot – on the Parents Helping Parents thread. It was cathartic and I got wonderful support. If you’re a writer, you might try writing here, on a blog, in a journal.
Be good to yourself.
Sorry for your impending loss. Even when someone has lived well into his nineties, it still hurts. I was in my 30s when I lost my great granddad, who was 95, and I still tear up thinking about him.
I have no advice, but I am in the same situation except I am very nearby and spend much of my free time at my mother’s bedside. It is hard.
It’s an invitation to think outside your immediate comfort zone in the interests of long term well-being.
One of the most common things I hear from people regarding this subject is that they wish they had been there.
I’m sorry faux maven. We’re never ready to lose a parent, no matter the circumstances. My dad died in an accident several years ago.
To me, it wasn’t just the initial part, it was after the ceremony was over, the world kept turning and life was supposed to go back to normal. It didn’t go back to normal for me. I will say I was grateful I could say I had no regrets about our relationship. We had spoken that morning and had a good laugh.
What no one can tell you is how to handle the grief you feel at a loss you can’t do anything about. The awful feeling eventually passes but I think of my dad every day. I still wish I could talk to him or tell him something. His voice is in my head.
Take care of you. How you handle this and process it as individual as you. Keep your sister in close contact.
Sorry, faux. Been through it with both parents.
II agree with teriwtt. When my mom died, I had to be the one to fly home and give permission to disconnect her respirator (that was no easy task). I wanted to stay with her, but dad sat in the waiting room, and after an hour or two asked me to take him home. I honored his wishes and we got “the call” in the middle of the night. I was with him when he died several years later. In retrospect, I am a little sad that I wasn’t with my mom, but my goal was to honor the wishes of the living (my dad). Everyone is different and has the right to do what they feel is right for them.
I have not been at the deathbed of any of my 4 parents (2 stepparents included) and our family is not one to think that is necessary. I have had no regrets about that. I saw my mother 2 weeks before she died and had a nice visit and was on the fence about flying up for the final hours and we all agreed that it was not necessary or advisable.
Do what feels right to you!
Hugs, fauxmom. It is hard and I am sorry for your loss.
Death is a step, but living is a process.
Sounds zen-ny to me, but it has helped me realize that my life keeps processing deaths and even anticipated deaths while I still live. Hugs to you and your sister.
Hugs to you, fauxmaven. It’s never easy.
Make sure your sister understands that you are there for her too.