Yes. In my family, I’m the adult child on-scene, and the long-distance support of my brothers has been crucially important to me.
No judgement of any kind implied, but if I were you I would go.
I was present at my father’s deathbed. A couple of weeks before, I dropped everything and went down to help when he seemed to be taking a sudden turn for the worse and my mother was finally admitting that she needed help. (He was at home, she’s a retired RN.) After about a week he was hospitalized, then it was decided it was time for hospice. My mother and I decided to bring him home, where we cared for him. She and I were with him when he died. I played music for him: Sibelius and Wagner.
It was a great gift to be there, and a profound experience. My sister, who chose not to fly in–her Ds and their families were gathering at her house–had a much harder time dealing with it than my mother and I.
I imagine fauxmaven’s decision to visit when he/she did was well thought out and discussed with family. Unfortunately between work, finances, and life in general there are many times when imperfect choices have to be made. Not everyone can travel to and fro at will even in difficult times and an extended visit or two trips may not be a viable option.
I for one can absolutely understand why fauxmaven chose to see spend time with her mother when she was alive rather than wait until she passed to go to CA. A decision like this is unique to each individual and each family situation. IMO this is a time to send words of comfort to the bereaved, it is not the time for anyone to be second-guessing a choice the OP has already made.
I feel good about my decision to visit 2 weeks ago. She was still eating and every day I brought a favorite dessert from her list…tapioca 1 day, followed by pumpkin pie the next, cheese cake and creme brulee… of course, I helped her eat them! She didn’t talk, but smiled at me. We also watched old episodes of Law and Order, which we both love. When my sister dropped by, she shut off the TV and turned on some classical music. My mom pretended to fall asleep but when my sister left, I turned on L & O again and she watched with interest. My relationship is poor with my sister- we are complete opposites, but I defer to her as she is doing a great job with my mom. I feel that I got to spend some wonderful time with my mom. There will be no funeral. My mom will be cremated ( we are not a religious family). Flying back to CA from the NY area would be stressful for my sister. The last day when I was there I said" Mom, I really love you" and kissed her forehead She looked at me , smiled and said, “you have been so wonderful.” I will treasure that moment forever.
That’s wonderful, @fauxmaven. It is good that you had that kind of time with her. I think that’s what my sister missed.
I’m so sorry about your mom, fauxmaven. It’s great that you got to say goodbye. That makes a huge difference.
I visited my family a few days before my dad died. Although I visited him in the hospital while I was there, we didn’t know the end was so near, and due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances (I’d gotten a 24-hour bug during my visit and didn’t want to bring it to his sickroom) I never got to say goodbye to him before I left. This still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.
That is quite moving faux maven and a lovely way to say goodbye to your mom. The fact that you feel good about your decision is most important. The relationship with your mom is what you can carry forward now.
Sorry for your loss.
Fauxmaven-
How you described being with your mother is so lovely & loving. I believe it will be like a talisman, a deeply felt, warm, supportive memory in the future.
I hope continued comfort for both of you.
The difference is that when a person is dead, your thoughts about him or her change. It really happens: when a person is alive, even if wholly demented or in a coma, then you have a physical being to attach your thoughts, memories and feelings. When that person is actually gone, not just gone in the conscious or mental sense, it’s like there is no anchor for those anymore and they start to drift away. No matter what, the experience of that loss of connection, that loss of a physical focus for your thoughts, takes a while to filter through your being. With a parent, it can take a few years even if you had no great sense of loss at the time of death (because the person was very old or very sick, etc.).
So sorry and hugs to you. My condolences. I’m right there with you. I lost both my mom and FIL this summer and it was much harder than I thought it would be considering their age and condition. I miss them terribly. Be kind to yourself. Don’t make any rash decisions.
Everyone is different and nothing you do will be wrong. You’ve already done all the right things–life is for the living and those moments are the most precious. Take extra care of your sister.
But if you can be there at the very end–I would do so if possible. But if you can’t then that’s okay too.
Both of my parents died suddenly, and therefore I was not with them at the time. I don’t feel any particular sense of having missed out on something meaningful. I had no unfinished business with either of them. What will be, will be.
It sounds as though the OP doesn’t have any unfinished business with her mom, either.
Even if a parent is quite old or ill, and it’s their time to go, of course there’s a sense of loss. Part of that loss comes from knowing that you won’t share any more experiences with them or build any more memories. But I was surprised to learn, after my parents’ deaths, that I wasn’t done getting to know them. In the process of going through their papers to settle their affairs, I learned things about them that I had never known.
And by settling their affairs, I met a need I didn’t realize I had – a need to take care of them, just a little. I did my caretaking after they were gone, but that was OK.
So if there’s work to be done after a parent’s death – whether it’s sorting through possessions, answering their mail, selling a house or car, acting as executor of the estate, or planning a memorial service – don’t think of it as just chores. In ways you might not anticipate, these chores can help you connect a little bit more with your mom or dad.
What a beautiful goodbye, fauxmaven. You can be at peace with your decision. And though your relationship with your sister isn’t great, I applaud you for being sensitive to her needs and acknowledging what she’s done.
Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult waiting period. Stay with us, if it helps.
Before mom died I started recording her stories on my phone as she told about her life. They had been told numerous times before but I knew I needed to have it to pass on. So nice to hear her stories and laugh. I asked a ton of questions of her (she didn’t even know I was recording) to get as much history as I could. Thought I’d pass that along.
I feel good about my decision to visit 2 weeks ago. She was still eating and every day I brought a favorite dessert from her list…tapioca 1 day, followed by pumpkin pie the next, cheese cake and creme brulee… of course, I helped her eat them! She didn’t talk, but smiled at me. We also watched old episodes of Law and Order, which we both love. When my sister dropped by, she shut off the TV and turned on some classical music. My mom pretended to fall asleep but when my sister left, I turned on L & O again and she watched with interest. My relationship is poor with my sister- we are complete opposites, but I defer to her as she is doing a great job with my mom. I feel that I got to spend some wonderful time with my mom. There will be no funeral. My mom will be cremated ( we are not a religious family). Flying back to CA from the NY area would be stressful for my sister. The last day when I was there I said" Mom, I really love you" and kissed her forehead She looked at me , smiled and said, “you have been so wonderful.” I will treasure that moment forever.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. Hugs.
That makes me tear up, fauxmaven. What a beautiful memory to hold close at this time.
Mom died this AM around 3 AM California time. I feel numb, but glad I visited when she was still coherent. For me, no regrets about being there now.Should have recorded her telling stories- a great idea.She was resistant to doing this however- made her feel too old.
My condolences, @fauxmaven.
Sorry for your loss. And am so glad you are at peace with how you handled everything. I felt the same when my dad passed, my sister did not and that is her regret.
Very sorry, fauxmaven. I’m glad you have good memories.
Sorry for your loss, fauxmaven. Good that you were able to have a meaningful visit with her and feel at peace. Try to take good care of yourself; it’s a process.
I’m sorry, fauxmaven. You’ll have that goodbye memory forever.