@atomom Well said. I’m sorry for your loss.
Last night was my first Shivah. As the Rabbi was reading the prayers, a voice in my head said-" Hey Mom- I’m doing this all for you!" I don’t read Hebrew, but did say the few parts that are transliterated. At 20 of 7 nobody had showed up yet, and I was worried that nobody would come! At 5 of 7 about 20 people showed up and it felt very comforting to have them there! Tonite will be the same thing again.
Condolences, fauxmaven, it’s a difficult time but you have some wonderful last memories. Having so many people show up for Shiva must have been very comforting. We moved cross country in late May and my mother passed away back home 12 days after we moved. It was unexpected; due to a fall when she was alone over the weekend. I had just spoken with her two days earlier and had seen her on Mother’s Day.
But very few people showed up for Shiva. We did a shortened week due to Shabbat. My brother lived five minutes from Mom and almost everyone who came for the first day were friends of him and his wife and parents of his kids’ friends. They spent all the time catching up among themselves. Some of them never even spoke to me and my brother didn’t think of introducing them. We had one out of town relative from my Dad’s side (he’s been gone for 18 years) and my brother spent lots of time talking with her about that side of the family. The recent caregivers were the only visitors who actually talked about Mom until the last day when a couple of older women who knew her showed up. So most of Shiva did not bring me any comfort or remembrances of my mother and created feelings of isolation; thank goodness DH and DS were there. Very very hard.
Hoping for your sake that you continue to get people for Shiva and that it helps you cope.
Tonight at Shiva we had 8, but I was fine with not having a minyan. We talked about memories of my mom.
sorry for your loss, you are not alone, here’s wishing you and your family only the best memories
I spent this week in a fog of sadness. It is there 24/7. It’s rough,but my husband is very helpful, and my Ohio son calls twice a day, to see how I am doing.
It is rough. So glad you have good support in your family. {{{Hugs}}}
“Fog of sadness” is an apt description. When I lost my mother, I told myself that every time I cried, it was in response to remembering something meaningful; in a way a celebration of something lost. In hindsight, it is clear that letting the grief in is as important as carrying on the best that you can. Almost 10 years later, I still have moments where I miss mother, want to share something with her and have a brief wave of sadness. It gets much less raw with time, yet there is a void. Take good care of yourself. Great that your son is reaching out.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
So sorry for all those who have lost parents and other loved ones.
Let me share some nice news and updates to earlier threads. Prison son has a job he LIKES in Ca. Is doing well and is very happy. Former Harvard daughter is currently living in SWEDEN ( no surprise) and has fallen in love with a Dutch man who recently bought a home in Sweden. She is thinking of marrying next fall if all goes well. Just hoping she will use her education some day.
I hope that soon he will become “my son, who once served some time in prison” and that some time after that, he will just be “my son.” But I can see that it would take a while to get there.
I am saying that to help people remember who he is. Thanks Marian- I look forward to that time!
It’s so nice that you and your two kids remain in touch and everyone is moving forward with their lives.
Memories- the fog. Over 30 years ago (when my 53 mom died suddenly-MI) I drove north from IN to WI through rush hour Chicagoland traffic after little sleep with the Kleenex box on the seat beside me. Missed the turnoffs to the most efficient routes bypassing the worst traffic. Amazingly caused no near misses et al.
Time does make a difference. In dealing with death and kids’ futures. We adjust to reality instead of the fantasy future we had for our little munchkins. And discover they do just fine with a different path than we anticipated or hoped for.
Rejoice in the good times of the past and be thankful for so many years of your mom’s presence in your life. Indulge in remembering all of the pleasantness. Also take time to remember how she wasn’t perfect- how mad she made you when you were a teen, the time she ----, other things that prove she was a real person. You are a real person and will move forward, tucking all of these memories into a niche in your brain to bring to mind every so often. There is a reason cultures have mourning rituals- to help with the transition for the living.
I am sorry. This is a very difficult time for you. Please don’t let anyone make you feel as if you’re doing something wrong or that you will regret it if you aren’t there at the end. My father died two years ago, and we visited him 6 weeks before his death. I am completely at peace about this because he was lucid and was really happy that we were there. I have no guilt at all about not being at his deathbed. I think you can decide for yourself what is right for you and for your mother.
Thanks- I have no regrets.