<p>My D has been alone at Mich for almost a week now (we are in CA) and it has been an emotional roller coaster for her. At some moments (generally if she is with others) she sounds great; at others, like this morning, she is alone, lonely and depressed. I know this week is particularly difficult because she feels as if there is no reason to be there. I think things will improve somewhat when classes start tomorrow.</p>
<p>I know it is her roller coaster–but nonetheless I am along for the ride. My question is: How do other parents handle the emotional turmoil? She is my only child and we have been very close, “enmeshed” really. I find myself being very distracted and carrying around a heavy heart in my chest. I keep needing to send quick text messages just to make sure she is OK. (Not obsessively but one or two a day.) Should I pull back even more and just bare the pain and uncertainty?</p>
<p>The days before classes start are an experience that has little to do with actual college.</p>
<p>In fact, in a more cynical era, when I went through Orientation Week at college, the Orientation Leaders who were supposed to help us get accustomed to the place wore T-shirts that said “Camp [Name of University].” It was sarcastic, of course, but the point was that the experience was more like camp than college.</p>
<p>One of the things that may be bothering your daughter is a lack of anything specific to do whenever there are no organized orientation activities scheduled. This is about to change dramatically. By the end of tomorrow, she will have assignments to do (or avoid), and she will have opportunities to meet people from outside her dorm in classes, labs, etc.</p>
<p>For some people, Orientation Week is Paradise. For others, it is torture. I suggest pointing out to her that what’s to come is far more important and meaningful than the weird, seemingly pointless chaos of Orientation.</p>
<p>I think one of my D’s problems is that she LOVED the 4-day orientation in July. She says everyone was friendlier then and it was easier to meet people. Her roommate has a number of friends from HS there and my D feels a bit left out and seems to have stopped hanging out with them. </p>
<p>She intends to participate in sorority rush, and while, as a student from the early 70s, I have mixed feelings about the process, I do think it will be good for her and help the huge university feel a bit smaller.</p>
<p>I am really hoping for thoughts on how to help myself?</p>
<p>abric1 - After 24 hours at school, my D told me that she’s the only one at a school of 3,000 freshmen that didn’t have anyone to hang out with yet. I listened to her, then I told her to mingle. Next day, she told me that she is having a great time(with lots of friends). A week later she told me that her “best friend” already has a boyfriend, she feels like a third wheel and doesn’t have anyone to go to parties with any more(why she doen’t have a boyfriend yet). I listened again and told her it’s a great opportunity to make new friends. She also called me with a more serious health issue, which left me scrambling to find a doctor for her.</p>
<p>It is normal for us to feel all the ups and downs of our kids’ emotions. At the same time, everything we have done in the last 18 years has prepared them to deal with the world by themselves. Your D may never had to be alone before, but if she feels bad enough she will go out to meet people, or find something to do. It will also be easier when classes start. She will meet more people with similar interest. At the same time, this is the best time to meet people(no one thins it’s strange to talk to random people), therefore I would encourage her to get out of her room, if it means to just go next door or sit out at the quad.</p>
<p>I think it is doubly hard on you because she is so far away(my daughter is only 200 miles away). You feel helpless because you can’t make her happy with a magic wand. It’s like when your kid has a fever, by taking her temperature every 5 minutes is not going to make the fever go away. But if you wait for a day or two, her immune system will usually fight it off. Right now, the only thing you could do is to listen and hope she will have enough inner strength to adjust. I would wait for her to call, and not always ask how she is doing, let her take the initiative.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be surprised that she is depressed because she misses you, unfortunately over time that will also pass. No one said this was going to be easy.</p>
<p>I’ll tell you how I deal with it. I have sons who don’t share that stuff. But seriously, try to be there for her, but don’t make it your problem. Find things to distract yourself and keep busy. She probably forgot all about it five minutes after she told you and you spend days worrying about it.</p>
<p>Here’s what I found when my oldest went away to college, he’s a guy so I’m sure you would have to allow for more intense emotions from a daughter: Calls one day: ecstatic and having the time of his life. Next day: hates his roommates, cannot stand to be in the same room. Two days later: roommates are the most entertaining people in the world. still another day: pick any complaint or praise, it all varies. Every phone call was different. some days he was thrilled, others I found myself wanting to arrange a transfer. Each time he called to vent I would worry all day and night or until I talked to him next, only to find out that he had let go of whatever was bothering him the minute he droped it on my lap. My advice to you is to let your child get whatever she wants off of her chest and then DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT YOURSELF. If the same subject comes up two weeks later, you can consider worrying about it. If it comes up agin three or four weeks later, go ahead and jump in to the worrying pool. The first six to ten weeks your child is adjusting and creating a new life for herself. It is a roller coaster. enjoy the ride. Chances are good she will be fine! Good Luck!</p>
<p>Thanks, your message helped. The hardest part is that she keeps expecting me to be able to DO something for her. (I know she doesn’t really believe I can, but for the past few years she likes to make me responsible for everything, including her own happiness.)</p>
<p>" Repeat this mantra to your S or D after me…Kids name, or Honey- Give it a chance go after your happiness dont wait for it to come to you - You are young and have everything going for you… just relax and at least watch the show"</p>
<p>I think at a school the size of Michigan it can be unnerving at first. Sorority is one idea, but is there another EC she might pursue? Let her know that everyone is scared, and they hang with HS friends at first. Once she starts classes, she will be exposed to more people. Are there dorm activities?</p>
<p>I’d take what she says with a grain of salt. If she’s feeling awful about eating a meal alone, its not a catastrophe, but a disappointment. Bring an adult perspective to her adolescent emotional rollercoastal. Close friends are not made in a day; it takes time to sort out the character of people.</p>
<p>My D has told me that the “loneliest” times are when she first wakes up in the morning (and we’re not there) and just when she goes to bed at night. </p>
<p>Be available for the phone calls and be a good listener. I make sure to tell her in the course of a conversation how proud I am of her - for hanging out with different people, for making an effort to go to a meeting she could have skipped out, for choosing a big salad at lunch over the burgers/fries - ANYTHING I can find to help boost her confidence - just at least once in the conversation I try to build her up. </p>
<p>Yes, I also think starting classes tomorrow will be a welcome change. Let’s get the ball rolling…!</p>
<p>Do not text her to check up on her. Ever. That sends a message that you do not think she can handle it.</p>
<p>Let her contact you. Send newsy emails and care packages of support. Plan a visit. Send positive messages.</p>
<p>Be very careful that you do not undermine her confidence. You may be generating the roller coaster more than you realize. </p>
<p>She can do it.</p>
<p>My best friend’s daughter called her parents in panic nearly three or four times a week through four years of college–incl study abroad. They took all the calls and listened and encouraged her to push on. That young woman just graduated from law school with numerous awards. She starts her new $125K job in a few weeks. She is happy and thrilled with herself.</p>
<p>When I talked to S a few days after dropping him off for freshman year, classes had not started, he was staying in his room alone at night…I was worried…</p>
<p>He had a GREAT freshman year. This may just need some time. Perhaps, like S, your d is not apt to rush into relationships and commitments. In a short time, S found some meaningful activities, made friends with others on his hall and, at this time, does not remember any loneliness those first few days.</p>
<p>I think that listening, but not overdoing the sympathy, while also exuding confidence in your d’s resilience, good sense, may be the way to go!</p>
<p>Cheers, this is a pretty bold statement:
Do not text her to check up on her. Ever. That sends a message that you do not think she can handle it.</p>
<p>Not sure what you mean by “checking up” but while I agree it’s just plain easier to let them call you, I don’t think there is nothing wrong with an occasional “hey I was thinking about you” call. It’s all in your approach - don’t make the phone call an interrogation, but in all honesty, what most of us are looking for through a phone call is “information” - good or bad, happy or sad. </p>
<p>Especially for new students in new situations. I respectfully disagree and say to initiate a call yourself occasionally is ok.</p>
<p>My D attends a large state flagship and was busy on a club sport team, loved the sport, but not enough in common with the other girls, so she rushed a sorority and it has been exactly what she needed.</p>
<p>My D is sporty, not plastic, so avoided the VISA-VISA-MasterCard group, avoided the “prestigious” group and looked for girls she would like to spend time with. Also, in rush, your D needs to be herself, but her “best” self- so try not to show the depressed side, but the interesting side. It is too busy a time for the sorority girls to bring her out of her shell, she needs to show who she really is so she connects with a group she will love.</p>
<p>You should have your daughter go through recruitment. Even if she doesn’t end up pledging a group, she will meet tons of young women, both affiliated and non affiliated, and be exposed to a whole group of people. It’s the best thing I ever did!</p>
<p>All I can say is…it’s hard! I, too, get the emotional rollercoaster with my S. One day things are great, met some great people, love this or another class, professor, having a blast - then another time he can feel as though everything is going wrong, classes a problem, roommate a problem, friends a problem, you name it, everything is wrong and depressing…and this can all be in one day!</p>
<p>It is easy for others to say try and detatch, don’t let it get to you, etc. but I have a hard time doing that. I have been an involved parent for 19 years, I’m not going to stop now all of a sudden cause my kid went to college.</p>
<p>I console myself with thinking that this is part of the growing up process. That life is full of ups and downs and my kid is learning valuable life lessons as hard as they might be. I will always be there to listen and advise but the ultimate dealing with things lies with him. Nobody ever said that parenting would be easy. The good news is that we invested and concerned parents probably have the most wonderful kids who will be wonderful and caring adults…and then they can worry about their own kids and see how it feels…LOL!</p>