Dear CC -- awkward social situation

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi guys,</p>

<p>I bet one or more of you has some insight into this situation which has come up recently. Here goes:</p>

<p>I am friends with another mom, and for awhile about a year ago, our junior high kids were a couple. She has the boy, I have the girl. They broke up. The kids are still friends. We enjoy doing things together from time to time, the four of us, mostly going to see shows, as the kids share an interest in musical theatre. It doesn’t happen all that often that we go out as a foursome, but every now and then. </p>

<p>So, new wrinkle. The boy has a new girlfriend who is one of my daughter’s friends. They used to be close, but have been going to different schools for a few years. The girls don’t see each other that often, but have a good time when they do. I used to be sort of close with this girl’s mom. I still like her, but we’re not that close anymore. So, the quandry I’m in is this. This other mom told me that she thinks that I shouldn’t go out with my friend and her son and my daughter any more. Doesn’t want her daughter (the new girlfriend) to feel left out.</p>

<p>Is this a reasonable request?</p>

2

<p>What a hag. It’s none of her business if you guys like to go out together. Her daughter can get over it.</p>

3

<p>no, its up to the kids, and it isn’t left out, it is insecurity and jealousy- either reasonable or not</p>

<p>it is up to the boy to back away, sad to say</p>

<p>maybe your D needs to branch out a bit, I bet she could find another friend to take to shows just once in a while</p>

<p>I understand the whole girl guy just being friends, but now he has a girlfriend and I can understand the girl being upset with him for hanging out so much with his ex, now that they are going out, but this needs to be handled by the kids,not the parents,</p>

<p>that being said, encourage D to look for someone else to take to shows- as my guess is this guy friend will be pressured to not see you guys socially much anymore by the new GF, who is already having mommy do her work</p>

<p>look at it this way, you have a great guy friend, he gets a new GF, he only has so much time, who is gonna win here? most likely the new GF, cause, well you know…</p>

<p>I am suggesting looking to others to take to these shows because the writing is on the wall</p>

<p>and frankly, this boy, well, he is trying to have it all, so it seems</p>

<p>socially seeing one, while dating another, and the two girls used to be tight, yeah</p>

<p>yes you have the right to take him and his mom out, but what if this was your Ds BF, seeing his ex…put shoe on other foot</p>

4

<p>No. These kids get over each other so fast, but family friends sometimes remain forever. The girl’s mother has no right to ask that of you.</p>

5

<p>Are you kidding me… a mom thinks she can tell you what to do because of some middle-school romance?</p>

6

<p>Smile warmly at girlfriend’s mom and thank her genuinely for the advice. Then kindly let her know that you and the other mom are friends who enjoy each others company BUT you will leave it up to the kids to decide what they would like to do.</p>

7

<p>Why don’t the six (three Mom’s, three kids) go to the theatre together. If the kids have moved on emotion-wise, why can’t the Mom’s? </p>

<p>If it were me I would just suggest it to my child and let them work it out.</p>

8

<p>let me see, lets say you got a new BF teriwtt, and he continued to see shows with his ex, that would be all fine and dandy with you</p>

<p>To the other mother, it can appear that the two moms are trying to keep the ex and the ex together in hopes they will rekindle whatever they had…not necessarily true, but not unheard of</p>

<p>Yes, the girls mother shouldn’t have said anything, but you all sure are harsh on the new GF…if your D was dating a new guy, and he was off seeing his ex, that would be just fine and dandy with you all</p>

<p>yeah, sure</p>

9

<p>

“Suzie. I’m sorry but that request requires me to ask this because I care for you. Are you on drugs?”</p>

10

<p>cgm, the request was for the mom not to go - not the daughter.

The writer is the mom.</p>

11

<p>cgm, it’s not the new girlfriend asking her boyfriend not to go. It’s new girlfriend’s mom asking old girlfriend’s mom to end the friendship. That’s a very different thing. And you’re also assuming that new girlfriend asked Mom to say something. That’s not necessarily true - I know that moms often get upset over things that don’t bother the kids.</p>

<p>If new girlfriend wants boyfriend not to go, that’s between them. Mom has no business interfering. And if new girlfriend doesn’t want to say anything, then maybe she’s too young to have a “boyfriend”. (Personally, I think they all are too young - d and many of her friends weren’t allowed to date until the end of sophomore year - but that wasn’t the question.)</p>

<p>And I do agree, if the girls were friends and the boy and old girlfriend are friends, then ask the girl to come too. Five to the theater should be fun too. (I’m not sure I’d add new girlfriend’s mom to the mix; doesn’t sound like she’d be much fun.)</p>

12

<p>“And I do agree, if the girls were friends and the boy and old girlfriend are friends, then ask the girl to come too. Five to the theater should be fun too. (I’m not sure I’d add new girlfriend’s mom to the mix; doesn’t sound like she’d be much fun.)”</p>

<p>LOL Exactly! If this lady has this much time on her hands, hope not to run in to her much in the future! If you are at all concerned that your D’s guy friend will buckle to these demands - encourage your D to start including other kids in the outings so if he won’t go in the future she has others to invite. If you are friends with the boy’s mom, your friendship wll last far longer than a middle school crush. Hang on to friends however you find them!</p>

13

<p>cgm, these are MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN! You want to draw parallels to how teriwitt might relate to an ex? If s/he had one, which I doubt. ;)</p>

<p>The half-life of a middle school romance probably hasn’t changed since my day - like about two weeks on average, five months for a longstanding one.</p>

<p>These are FAMILIES who do FAMILY OUTINGS. And someone is going to say this shouldn’t happen because of who has a crush on whom for this moment??</p>

<p>Sheesh.</p>

<p>curmudgeon - you blew my cover. LOL, so now I guess the folks sitting around me realize I am <em>not</em> responding to business emails. Worth it, though.</p>

14

<p>thanks jmmom - that’s what I said… middle school romances. No adult should tell another adult who they can be friends with based on their children in middle school. That’s giving waaaay too much power to the kids.</p>

15

<p>I don’t think she was trying to say the two moms can’t be friends. Just trying to dictate what they can do in their spare time and whether they can bring their children along. Equally absurd imho.</p>

<p>Some parents seem to jump on their kiddo’s crushes and elevate them almost immediately to pre-engagement status. And then they wonder why their kids move too fast in some of their boy-girl doings.</p>

16

<p>I agree. That is ridiculous. If your daughter and everyone else would feel comfortable about it, maybe you could invite the boy’s new girlfriend (I’d leave the mom at home–she sounds like a piece of work), and if you want your daughter could bring a friend. You’d have to work out ticket prices with the other parents since those can be expensive. </p>

<p>But yeah, middle school romances should never affect adults’ friendships. Don’t worry about it. If the kids get awkward together, leave them at home and go out just the two of you until things blow over. Middle school romances tend to last a few days, a month or two at the longest.</p>

17

<p>Mothers like the new girlfriend’s mom are directly responsible for fiscal difficulties in the arts. Anything that impedes the sale of a musical theater ticket creates bad karma in the universe. (Sarcasm!!)</p>

18

<p>It’s up to the kids. If they’re happy socializing with each other and their moms, more power to them.</p>

<p>But I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mommy from Hell puts a bee in her daughter’s bonnet and gets her BF to back out. </p>

<p>It would be a shame. It’s wonderful that “breaking up” hasn’t destroyed this friendship. I think long term friendships are always good to foster.</p>

19

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</p>

<p>Well said!</p>

<p>Tks. guys. It helped to read your responses. I was feeling really annoyed about this <em>request</em> but have decided to just bide my time for now since the four of us have no current plans to go out right now anyway. And yes, I can ask the mom and the daughter to join us if we do make plans, at least once or twice, anyway. However, I can’t see honoring this <em>request</em> indefinitely.</p>

<p>This new romance is still pretty new – only a month old. And it does seem that the mom has already elevated it to pre-engagement status as one person suggested. Kind of jumping the gun, but there you have it. The kids involved aren’t in jr. high anymore. The girls are 9th graders and the boy is a 10th grader.</p>

20

<p>mythmom – exactly right. Our two families have a nice connection that I value a lot. I am friend’s with the boys grandparents. My younger daughter adores the guy. It’s nice connection that I want to keep long term. It’s that simple. And no, I don’t have any agenda to get the two kids involved again romantically. I like things just the way they are.</p>