<p>Question: Did YOUR parents get involved in all of this type of thing when YOU were growing up? I doubt my mother knew most of my classmates or teachers’ names for that matter! Have we gotten overinvolved in our kids’ social lives in general? My sister is 64 ( 12 yrs. my senior) and rolls her eyes when she hears the stories of what goes on with “this Mom picked up the phone and this kid said this, etc.” . I think her attitude (being just that much into another generation…beginning baby boomers) was that she was working and raising three kids and didn’t have time for it. She put these things in the “Time to get a life” category. Her favorite one of mine was when a mother called me to complain that my son had “stolen” her son’s girlfriend…they were 10! I was so taken aback I couldn’t really answer her. I was shellshocked. (Sorry if I highjacked here but I couldn’t help it)</p>
<p>No my mom did not, and I NEVER said it was RIGHT, when did I EVER say that?</p>
<p>HOWEVER, I am compassionate enough to at least WONDER what is going on with that mom that might be causing her to want to be so involved at this point</p>
<p>the OP sites 3 instances in the last month or so- and then sites health issues</p>
<p>THe OPs is certainly involved</p>
<p>If I had a friend who I had known for years, and then out of the blue, she starts making strange requestis, I would go,hmmmm. I have know this person for a long time, and this is not how she used to be, or I don’t remember her acting like this, I wonder what is going on here?</p>
<p>DId I say Mother3 was right…no I did not!!! When did I EVER say that?</p>
<p>I did say, however, that the OP should consider that there is more to the story…the kids invovled deserve that</p>
<p>THe OP D and this girl are friends, if something weird is going on with Mother3, than the Op should be concernced perhaps for the girl</p>
<p>If Mother3 is having health issues, that can affect a person behavior, expecially if they are taking medication, or stressed about</p>
<p>I never said it was normal or right, or whatever, never but that few things happen in a bubble and a caring person would try and figure out if anything else is going on, if they are approached by someone about their own actions</p>
<p>So to say it again, the Mother# SHOULD NOT BE SO INTO EVERYONE ELSES BUSINESS</p>
<p>But that doesn’t mean you don’t look at your own actions and looking to what else is feeding this:</p>
<p>The mom could be just weird, she could be sick, she could be going through stuff, she could be thinking she is doing right by her family and her D, she could be depressed, there could be lots of things going on, and how the OP reacts to the demands and this mom, who is in the OPs life, whether the OP likes it or not, as their circle seems small and their children are friendsm and thus this</p>
<p>again, I am not Saying the OP needs to stop doing what she is doing, not at all, and again, I am saying that Mother3 shouldn’t be telling people whom to invite, but I am saying that a person’s reactions to her demands and the understanding of what is going on can go a long way into making a situation better and less stressful for all involved</p>
<p>guess some don’t think that is a reasonable thing to considder</p>
<p>My D has had about five Bfs over the years, in all but one case they are still good friends, all the families are friends and one ex from about 9th grade is one of the current BFs best friends. So, now in their 20s, she and her BF socialise with her exBF and his GF:Eek: </p>
<p>I, too, would bet the new little GF would be embarassed mom interfered, were it me, since nothing is scheduled, I would figure mom is still learning proper boundaries and be aware of how things are going, by the time the next show comes up, the new GF may be history!</p>
<p>It did take time with some BFs, one trash talked for several months, but my D had already made friends with exes and knew it could work, so she was patient. In that case she even became friends with his new Gf. Of course all this is with kids older than 9th grade.</p>
<p>Any the moms friends? I have definitely talked with other moms about BF-GF issues, and there have been some weird ones. Another D is not friends with most of her exes, one yes freinds and one polite, but as the resident house drama queen, it is much more difficult for her to deal with the emotions of the circumstances. I highly recommend being mature enough to be friends, though that also seems to mean being mature enough to choose well in the first place and knowing yourself well enough to not be in a bad relationship ;)</p>
<p>Ah, one other thought, as I keep reading- it may be that there is some weird middle school garbage going on. One of my ds had a BF that when she broke up, played mind games with her for a year- he never dated any one else that year, but did play all sorts of destructive emotional games and he was 18, so that could also be going on! You just never know what is happening at HS and the propensity to be a drama queen is there in so many girls, they are emotionally vulnerable and they read way more than intended into the events. And some of them really are right about the weirdnesses going on.</p>
<p>There should be no reason why old family friends should not be able to socialise as families; however, there could be something odd going on between the new couple and it could be coming from either person.</p>
<p>CGM
Why does this matter to you so much? Not everyone is going to see things the way you do. Does that make them wrong and you right? No. You can’t force others to “be compassionate”, especially with the use of righteous sarcasm, which you are using a lot in this thread. If you want other adults to listen to what you have to say, then adopt a more adult tone in your posts.</p>
<p>Thank you menloparkmom. My thoughts exactly. </p>
<p>Just because you have a certain viewpoint, it does not make you sympathetic/compassionate and everyone else thoughtless/cruel. </p>
<p>There are more acceptable ways of presenting ideas and views, especially if the intent is to be persuasive.The smug and sanctimonious tone is quite off-putting, and the real value of your suggestions is lost. Lost also due to so much repetition.</p>
<p>CGM, this seems to matter a LOT to you as your posts make your points with fervor. Perhaps something in the situtation has touched you in some personal way as a mom or for your D’s sake? I don’t know. You seem emotionally invested here as opposed to just giving advice to the who asked how to handle the situation. In any case, I feel like you are painting other posters here with descriptions that I am not observing…“heartless”, “no compassion,” etc. A lot of members on this thread, whose posts I have read for a long time, do not come across as heartless, discompassionate, or other things you have assumed them to be. Perhaps you may wish to offer suggestions to the OP, without painting all the others who have responded with your brush stroke. I am observing the majority has having a certain view for the OP and it is OK if your view is a dissenting opinion, but your view would be easier to listen to if you were not putting down the views of the others and putting words or thoughts in their minds that they have not said…as well as making assumptions about the moms in this vignette which are based on guesses and not information that the OP has verified. I am left wondering if you are reading the SAME story, let alone the SAME responses, that I am reading. I am confused by what you are positing.</p>
<p>All I can say at this point is that this thread has greater longevity than Rasputin and more success at eluding its end.</p>
<p>I feel we have gone around the same bush a few times; not a bad thing – not criticizing, because here I am myself, just observing.</p>
<p>Perhaps we can agree to disagree.</p>
<p>OP: Please stay with us and post again!</p>
<p>it matters because I don’t think it is right to so quicly judge other people</p>
<p>I have had toxic people in my life, and the mother3 could be such a person, HOWEVER, I have had friends who have acted in toxic ways and in those cases, it turns out somthing was going on and I was glad I didn’t just dismiss an old friend out of hand because of a few misplaced actions…and glad I figured out what was happening and helped them</p>
<p>and Sooviet, why are you agasint the OP looking at the world around her and the people in it and seeing beyond her own nose and looking at what could be setting mother3 off like that</p>
<p>that is NOT saying mother3 is right</p>
<p>If I had a pet, and that pet went bonkers everytime a siren went by, I would be prepared for that siren</p>
<p>If I had a relative who got upset if we didn’t include her in every invitation, I wouldn’t necessarily invite to everything, but I might think, hmmmm</p>
<p>If I was part of a small circle of people,and I a person who did lots of inviting and organizing and planning, and some person came up to me ad told me that I should be doing it this way or that, I would take a hard look at MYSELF to see if there was even inkling of validity to what they were asking</p>
<p>guess sooviet doesn’t think that we should examine our own lives if someone complains to us (rightly or wrongly)</p>
<p>got it</p>
<p>And okeydokey and sooviet, I NEVER ONCE said give up friendships with anyone, when did I ever say that</p>
<p>Oh I did say that maybe the writing was on the wall, if new GFs mom was making a fuss about the social events and the BF was in the middle, that maybe he might not make those events and for the D to start invting others because there was a chance the guy might not be as available</p>
<p>I never once, not ever, said to stop living you life as you wish, never once</p>
<p>And I did say that make sure your motives for getting the kids together was honest</p>
<p>AND I did say that you should respect the new BF/GF relationship, because though it is a month, to teens, that is a lifettie- who else celebrates on month anniversories</p>
<p>ALL I EVER SUGGESTED IS TO DO SOME SLEF EVALUATION AND LOOK AT THE KIDS AND TO SEE TO SEE TO SEE IF THIS MOTHER3 MIGHT HAVE A POINT WHEN IT COMES TO HER FEELINGS</p>
<p>That is NOT the same as saying oh yeah, dump all your friends because this person sad to</p>
<p>I also said that in teen land it is never as it looks, and often teen girls are doing stuff that we don’t as mothers see, and to be sure that no mean girl stuff is going on</p>
<p>Mother3 tried to tell you what to do, and you can ignore her, absolutely, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sure in your mind and with the kids inovled that she may not have a tiny reason for asking what she is</p>
<p>again that doesn’t mean you change what you are doing, how does looking around you and paying attention equate with dumping old friends</p>
<p>that was a stretch and I would why the leap to that fro what I said</p>
<p>one last point- </p>
<p>We too love plays, theater, fashion shows, museums, etc and both my Ds LOVE inviting the uninitiated and opening up others worlds to something we love</p>
<p>and as I got further into their HS careers, I went to less events with them, to give them the opportunity to have their own experiences without mom always tagging along</p>
<p>There is a happy compromise in being with your offspring at events, and letting them have the experience, the TOTAL experience with us</p>
<p>My younger D has a guy friend who has never seen a musical, I gave her my ticket so she could invite him</p>
<p>It can be fun to take someone who never had that experience and sow them a new world, it doesn’t always have to be someone who is in the same world as you are</p>
<p>cgm, is it any wonder that you feel posters are failing to heed what you have said? You post “sentences” like
Posters do not want to take the time to try to figure out what it was you were trying to say, as opposed to what it was you actually posted. </p>
<p>You may notice that posters whose opinions and ideas engender respect are posters who show respect for their fellow readers: we edit our posts, check our spelling and punctuation, eliminate redundancies. Yes, that is work. It means we can’t just click the keys haphazardly and let the results slip onto the screen, figuring - well, they can figure it out!</p>
<p>Add to that a belief that you can tar posters with labels of “heartless” because they don’t agree with you, showing no respect for the entire posting history of many whom, I can assure you, are anything but heartless. Sprinkle in phrases which incorporate both the half-unintelligible with the unwarranted exaggeration
… and what do you get?</p>
<p>The only result you can expect. When you criticize the group for urging the OP to “dump all her friends”, I believe the group stops listening. NO ONE HERE TOLD THE OP TO DUMP ALL OF HER FRIENDS. </p>
<p>If you wish your opinions to be respected, a show of respect to your fellow posters is the first step. Make the effort to post clearly and succinctly, without dissing anyone who rejects your POV.</p>
<p>Sorry to be harsh. But you might as well hear it straight out. I, for one, have reached the end of my rope in being treated so disrespectfully by another poster.</p>
<p>And I was never disrespected? Are you kidding me?</p>
<p>Read to OPs post, no wait, here you go:</p>
<p>“What I meant to say was, I don’t want to change my friends, my relationship to this family because someone else thinks I should. Not getting why you think I should give up friendships which are special to me and my daughter, which is what you seem to be saying.” </p>
<p>She accused me of telling her to dump her friends and I NEVER DID…I just suggested that perhaps it was time to expand the circle of who to invite to shows, what a thought</p>
<p>And read through what was said about me, please…and I don’t much care if you don’t like me</p>
<p>and this is certainlly respectful</p>
<p>“Are you on drugs? [paraphrasing here] Is there a screw loose somewhere?”</p>
<p>you called me a druggie and crazy</p>
<p>and I never called you on that…but yet you feel the right to call ME disrespectful</p>
<p>jmmom- I bet you there is more truth in my questions and observations about the situation with the families and kids involved than the OP can admit, regardless of whether Mother3 is a controlling person</p>
<p>Soooo, changing course here a bit back to Okey Dokey who is the one who has the dilemma here after all…i’ve been wonderin’, what musical did you guys go to see?</p>
<p>quote:…i’ve been wonderin’, what musical did you guys go to see?</p>
<p>“Crazy For You”</p>
<p>Hee Hee Hee. Sorry, just had to go there</p>
<p>“I bet you there is more truth in my questions and observations about the situation with the families and kids involved than the OP can admit”
So? What is it you want CGM? Do you want/ need to be told you were right? By who? The OP? Others posters on this thread? Why? Why is it so important to you to be proven right about your suspicions /assumptions? Is that how you think you will win others respect? You can’t MAKE people respect you, especially when you are acting more like a immature teenager that doesn’t get her way, snarling with sarcasm one minute, throwing a temper tantrum the next, and then sulking. You can’t MAKE others to agree with you when they don’t. A lot of what you have posted on this thread makes no sense to other adults. And the more you rage on and on against others, the deeper a hole you dig for yourself, the harder it will be to climb back out and win the respect you seem to be in need of. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to step back and get a different perspective about how to treat other adults on threads whose viewpoints you disagree with. A know it all, sarcastic attitude will get you nowhere fast.</p>
<p>(I was just telling H how much I value e-chatting with my fellow CC’ers. He doesn’t get why I’d respect the opinions of a “bunch of strangers” but I do. Considering all the different ways we have of looking at things, its amazing how for the most part we all get along…just had to put this in here)</p>