<p>My mother was cremated last winter & yesterday the funeral home sent me what I thought was perhaps a personalized update, since I was not able to be there when they actually placed her in the ground.
Duh- it was a sales pitch.
Coincidentally I read this in the paper yesterday and thought it sounded much more appealing</p>
<p>I don’t often behave like an adult, but it got me thinking that it would be good to get that planning out of the way & I like the thought of helping to grow plants even after I am dead!!</p>
<p>I like that this place allows for more space ( for decomposition) and that they offer free burials for children.</p>
<p>I never understood why any of this had to be planned in advance.
It seems like you could just pop an article like that in your files, and let whoever’s alive after you die figure out what to do.</p>
<p>I think depending on the circumstances and time of death, family and friends may be too stressed to take that on from scratch.
Except for my fathers half sister who has lived abroad for 40 years ( she moved back to USA when she retired), I am the oldest of my family ( not counting H)</p>
<p>I have been through more funerals of family and friends, than I have weddings.
I know that my daughters will like to honor me in some way when I go & that any guidance or preparation I can do now to make that easier for them, I want to do.</p>
<p>While I have said several times that I want to be sprinkled in the Columbia Gorge during a Pearl Jam concert- seriously, that probably wouldn’t be feasible.
( for one, they are not that much younger than I am )</p>
<p>We don’t live in a time or place where we can lay out peacefully under a tree, until we are consumed by wildlife.
While we buried our cats in the backyard, our dog was 70 lbs and we had her cremated recently which was $400. While I don’t know all the expenses I will incur at the end of my life, I think it would make me feel better to know that at least some of them were taken care of.</p>
<p>It did make it easier to have my mothers wishes clearly stated and prepaid ( for the most part), as my brother and sister have different religious views than I do ( and from each other), it would have been a big mess ( and more stress) if it was left up to us.</p>
<p>I’ve thought about this a bit and wondered why couldn’t I be buried in the backyard? I know it would be kind of weird for the rest of my family but still… Is there a law against this?
I’m going for cremation.</p>
<p>Those are excellent points, EK. In some instances, the costs of a funeral can be significantly higher after death than if preplanned and prepaid. When my father was near death we needed to quickly arrange for a burial plot. When I called the cemetary, (speaking of sales pitches) they told me the price would almost double if I waited until he had died. So I ran out there to select a plot. </p>
<p>I like the idea of green burials but I plan to be cremated. And sprinkled where the winds will carry me. I don’t want my family to be tied to a gravesite, if that makes any sense at all.</p>
<p>I have had to figure it out for a family member after an unexpected death. I think it is much better to do some of your own planning and let your family members know. My kids know what I want (cremation, sprinkle me someplace nice and outdoorsy…but watch out if the wind is blowing, face downwind :)). But I have also told them that since I won’t be around to know about it, feel free to be flexible and change plans if necessary. After going through this (and the hassles of being an executor for over 5 years on a complex estate), I am determined to make it all as easy and relatively inexpensive as possible for my kids. </p>
<p>Siliconvalleymom, these decisions also need to be made very quickly. Your heirs may not have had time to go through your files before they have to make burial or cremation arrangements. And it is a burden for them to think through the options (and your family might disagree based on what they think you would want if you haven’t said anything).</p>
<p>The funeral and burial IS darned expensive. One of my memories from when my family member died is my dad and I combining our credit cards to cover the cost (neither of us had enough open credit on them to cover the whole cost!). And our family owned the plot already, it was just for the burial part. We were whispering about it in the limo on the way to the cemetery… The estate would reimburse for it, but we had to pay on the day of the funeral. Really, it would be better to plan in advance as much as possible.</p>
<p>Oh, and an old friend and I used to do some mountain climbing. We carried an acorn in our pockets in case we fell and our bodies couldn’t be recovered. Then an oak tree might grow there…</p>
<p>I had a similar experience to intparent when my mom died. Since there already was a plot for her, you wouldn’t believe that it cost nearly 8000 for the rest of it. She was in florida, and the plot was in NY, necessitating transit costs and other expenses. Even if you don’t prepay in advance, have an account that is available to your heirs to pay for the funeral (generally a joint account will allow payment by the other party after a death). It took months to be reimbursed, and my siblings did not chip in. </p>
<p>Naturally, my in laws will hear nothing of any of this. :(</p>
<p>Words cannot express how wonderful it was that my mother planned her cremation in advance, and that she had made sure everyone knew that she did not want a viewing prior to cremation (she always thought old ladies in caskets looked like s**t & she was far too proud of her good looks to go out that way!!). It made our grief a bit easier to bear to know that she didn’t want a dog & pony show. We were able to have a send-off that others might not think was appropriate, but was right for our family.</p>
<p>My grandmother died without articulating her wishes. It has been a fiasco. She currently “resides” in multiple urns in my aunt’s and cousins’ homes. Dad, sis, and I said no thanks when we were offered “some of her.” :o</p>
<p>As a result, my H and kids (ages 16 and 18) are well informed of my wishes. Most importantly they know I will haunt them if they put me in a coffin and bury me in the ground. They have promised to have me cremated and ashes scattered where the Potomac River meets Chesapeake Bay. I even suggested they press me into one of those neat patties and toss me like a frisbee. </p>
<p>For music at my memorial, I’d like to have “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum played at some point. Please and thank you.</p>
<p>My will says to give my body to an Anatomy Lab. (I’ve also told people that it’s in my will.) My drivers’ license says take my organs and reuse them. (I’m not sure that both are possible though.) Whatever else they do is to comfort the living. Most of my family has been cremated and the ashes have been scattered on property we own in Vermont.</p>
<p>This thread is, ironically, a fun & comforting read. For starters, I’m pleased to see cremation in a lot of peoples’ plans. And next, thank you for the following comments, all of which made me smile:</p>
<p>“We don’t live in a time or place where we can lay out peacefully under a tree, until we are consumed by wildlife.”</p>
<p>"I’ve thought about this a bit and wondered why couldn’t I be buried in the backyard? I know it would be kind of weird for the rest of my family but still… "</p>
<p>*“And sprinkled where the winds will carry me. I don’t want my family to be tied to a gravesite, if that makes any sense at all.” *… makes perfect sense, sabaray.</p>
<p>“but watch out if the wind is blowing, face downwind. But I have also told them that since I won’t be around to know about it, feel free to be flexible and change plans if necessary.” … I think I liked this sentiment best, intparent.</p>
<p>“It made our grief a bit easier to bear to know that she didn’t want a dog & pony show. We were able to have a send-off that others might not think was appropriate, but was right for our family.”</p>
<p>"Dad, sis, and I said no thanks when we were offered “some of her.” " … HA!</p>
<p>*“they know I will haunt them if they put me in a coffin and bury me in the ground. They have promised to have me cremated and ashes scattered… I even suggested they press me into one of those neat patties and toss me like a frisbee.” *… **reminds me of that 60s TV show “My Mother the Frisbee”. **;)</p>
<p>I know it well. Beautiful spot, smashing choice! Ashes to the wind for me as well. My son was relieved when he realized that by cremation I didn’t want to sit in an urn on his mantle.</p>
<p>Just be careful! My mother said she wanted to have her ashes strewn in a specified exotic and faraway place. I don’t think she was speaking literally, but my sister does. My mother’s ashes have resided in my sister’s closet for 20 years now, waiting, I guess, for one of us to go to that location.</p>
<p>So I especially appreciate intparent’s suggestion of giving permission for flexibility!</p>
<p>Obviously, a very personal decision and the very best one for many people, but not for everyone. Some people really do want to be tied to a gravesite. Near my home is a cemetery that caters to many Hispanic families. When I drive by I see so many more flowers and objects there than at other cemeteries and so many more people. I often see families out there with lawn chairs. I think it’s cultural and for some people it’s very comforting. Some people find it helpful to have a place to put flowers or stones and to be able to express their feelings. I think of the incredibly moving scene at the end of Schindler’s List when all those survivors and their families walked by his headstone and places stones.</p>
<p>ek4, the Washington state ferry system permits ash scatterings from ferries with prior permission from the captain. Sounds like what my H would like.<br>
I have already perused the White Eagle website after a relative died recently. I like that better than the fire stuff. Ashes to ashes or dust to dust… same idea, you get to recycle yourself.</p>
<p>Yes, I did give them couple of example places for sprinkling my ashes (I am quite fond of the north shore of Lake Superior and the Boundary Waters canoe area). But I just told them someplace natural that they thought I would like is fine… so if they/we live someplace else when this happens, they won’t feel obligated to travel back.</p>
<p>I had a friend who was an avid backpacker who died of cancer a few years ago. Another friend organized a backpacking trip to his favorite area in Colorado. About 40 people went and hiked to the top of a 14,000 foot peak to sprinkle his ashes off the top. I don’t think he asked for it, but we all know it is exactly what he would have wanted.</p>
<p>Reminds me of the poem by Lee Hays from the Weavers - </p>
<p>In Dead Earnest</p>
<p>If I should die before I wake,
All my bone and sinew take:
Put them in the compost pile
To decompose a little while.
Sun, rain, and worms will have their way,
Reducing me to common clay.
All that I am will feed the trees
And little fishes in the seas.
When corn and radishes you munch,
You may be having me for lunch.
Then excrete me with a grin,
Chortling, “There goes Lee again!”
Twill be my happiest destiny
To die and live eternally.</p>
<p>Wkikpedia says they did mix his ashes in the compost pile!</p>
<p>I’m surprised and pleased to see that so many here are choosing cremation. I thought I was in a cultural minority on this issue. </p>
<p>I agree that a) you should make it as easy on your heirs by having as much as possible in order before you go and b) you might as well tell them to do what they want so they won’t feel any doubt or guilt as part of the grieving.</p>
<p>I’m all for the pre planning, have experienced first hand several times how that helps those that are left to execute the details…</p>
<p>I’m all for the cremation, have told my kids to plant me somewhere of their choice but have suggested several too. </p>
<p>BUT I’ve also told my family that they need to do what they need to do for closure. Its the survivors that have to live with the arrangements and grief does some strange things and ppl need what they need…</p>
<p>I also know first hand (and this comes as a huge surprise to me) that I find great comfort in visiting my husbands grave on a regular basis. I couldnt have predicted that and i guess now I worry that my children might need something in the aftermath that I couldnt predict either…</p>
)</p>