<p>Dh and I have our wishes documented. FWIW, here’s my experience with my Dad’s death. </p>
<p>A few years ago, when my father was dying, I received a call asking if I would consent to his organs being donated. I was told that my siblings, who lived in the same town, were emotionally unable to deal with the issue, and the eldest, who had medical PoA because our mother had Alzheimer’s, gave the hospital my name and telephone number and said that I would handle it. I was told that “everyone” thought this was the right thing to do, but that the final decision had been left up to me. When I questioned whether Dad might not be a suitable donor given his advanced age and medical history, my concerns were firmly downplayed. </p>
<p>After a brief discussion, during which I felt pressured to consent, I agreed. I was told that a medical and social history must be given immediately. I asked why this person could not obtain a copy of my father’s medical history from his doctor, and was told there wasn’t enough time. There were several questions that I was unable to answer, and I again suggested that it would be better to verify the information with the doctor’s staff. Then came the “social history” part, which entailed questions about Dad’s sex life (among other behaviors.) Did this woman really think I’d know? It was obvious that she was frustrated with my inability to answer most of the questions with a yes, no or number, but I wasn’t going to guess or make up a response just to satisfy her desire to check off a box. My father was a very reserved, religious man, at least as I knew him. What he was like, or how he lived when he was on his own in his teens or in the military as a young man, I don’t know for certain but I have an idea that he wasn’t always so conservative. If these questions were important enough to ask, then I think that my inability to provide an accurate answer should have ended the matter.</p>
<p>When we finally finished, the woman repeated her earlier assurance that the process would not delay the funeral arrangements. That turned out to be incorrect. If the funeral had not been postponed to allow time for out of state relatives to travel, we would have had to reschedule. As it was, the funeral home had problems with the hospital which added to our stress. Meanwhile, one of my brothers called to ask me about the telephone interview and got very emotional when I repeated some of the questions, so I ended up having to calm him down. I have no doubt that the same brother would have been furious with me if I’d declined consent earlier, but at that point he was angry that I hadn’t revoked it.</p>
<p>A few months later, I received an envelope in the mail from the organization that handled the donation. It contained a solicitation for money. Nearly a year after Dad’s death, an actual letter arrived. It basically stated that nothing had been of any use. There was no thank you, no recognition of our loss, no acknowledgement of the added stress caused by their procedures.</p>