<p>I think it is entirely appropriate for parents to ask nicely once if their adult kids think they may ever want to have kids. If never asked it can become the “elephant in the room”- a major issue you hope gets an answer to every time you see the adult child. A “no” answer means you can stop anticipating grandchildren, a “perhaps” or “yes” answer means you can have your secret dreams and patiently wait for them to decide if/when. I think it is polite for kids to let parents know if they strongly do not want to have kids so the parents are mentally/emotionally prepared to never expect that. It should be easy for an adult child to tell parents that having children is not to be expected or to tell you if they ever do. Part of marriage has usually included children or the decision to not have them. Taking it off the table helps relationships- you can move past the issue.</p>
<p>I’ve asked the about religious and political sentiments, too. Talking has allowed them to express the young adults they’re becoming. Believe me, there are far more personal things I wouldn’t ask about and it’s not my business to know. But we do talk. And I agree it can be a very sensitive topic when you ask someone you aren’t as close to. </p>
<p>Asking about having children is not the same as asking about their sex life, or even romantic life. Asking- do you ever plan to have children once, and remembering the answer, is appropriate. I agree finding out where they fall politically and religiously is also appropriate. You don’t want to assume they agree with your views and it is nice to know if they do or not.</p>
<p>No. I have three brothers and the one who I most thought would have children did not. Both of the others had their children late, and it was as surprise to many of us that my one brother and his wife started a family as late as they did. I don’t think they wanted children until they were in their 40s/ My other brother finally started a family, late with his third wife. He never wanted children until he was nearly 50 years old. </p>
<p>So i could see from them that things change, things happen. It’s not a final decision these days for a very long time. So what they are saying, how they are acting in their 20s, 30s, 40s and even 50s can change. Also some things happen unplanned. I have friends who became grandparents earlier and in situations that were not particularly welcome. Rough go for all involved. </p>
<p>My sons, like their uncles appear to be late bloomers in this area. None of them are in ideal positions to become fathers. So I’m not hoping for any grandchildren soon. I’m fine with however it turns out. Yes, it would be nice to have grandchildren while I’m still young enough to be able to be active with them. But I would trade that in an instant for my kids to have their children when they are able to afford them, could care for them better. Some of DH’s cousins are grandparents already with children who really are not taking care of themselves well, and those babies, little ones are not getting the care they should. One cousin just moved back in with her parents-neither she nor her SO have jobs, they don’t seem to have much interest in their baby, if it weren’t for that baby, the parents wouldn’t have even let them move back. A lot of heartache here. </p>
<p>My sister decided long ago she didn’t want to have kids. At 28, no signs of changing her mind any time soon (no relationship, no desire for a relationship, etc). My parents are at peace with that- they know it’s not their body and not their choice. They are really fearful for any children she would have. She’s the first to admit she’s too selfish to have children. </p>
<p>My parents fully anticipate that I’ll have a kid- either biological or adopted. I’m on the fence… the idea of pregnancy scares the crap out of me, but I’m also young. They’ve also known since I was young that it would be difficult for me to have children so adoption has always been in the picture. </p>
<p>I know my parents would be heartbroken if they had no grandkids. They already “adopted” the neighbor’s baby (my mom is his permanent babysitter because they can’t afford a sitter). Whether my child is adopted or biological makes zero difference to them. </p>
<p>ETA: I would never ask anyone except my closest friends about their desire to have or not have children. Just as someone who will likely have fertility problems, I already know how weighty that can be. Most of my friends offer up that information though just in general conversation- probably because of my line of work. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s inappropriate for parents to ask their kids, but I also can’t imagine a scenario where discussion about possible future children/families wouldn’t have come up. I understand though that my family is much more open than most. </p>
<p>My H and I have absolutely zero expectation that our son produce grandchildren for us. We couldn’t be happier to have him as our kid whether or not he has any kids. I very much feel that we can “adopt” grandchildren if we want to. </p>
<p>I think that in most families it might come up in conversation that one of my kids would mention whether they plan to have children. But I would not pry about why-how much of their reasons they share is up to them. We talk about all kinds of things when we’re together-religion and politics too. But I don’t believe that because I am their mother they OWE me intimate details of their lives. We all have boundaries, though it appears that in some families, they don’t exist. And my dearest friend deserves privacy in the most major decisions in her life-even from me. I expect she’d be shocked if I asked about her reasons for not having kids. She’s told me enough that I suspect I know why, but I’d be a terrible friend if I insisted she tell me.</p>
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<p>Yes, when they’re college age and it’s still theoretical. But as they get older, it becomes a topic to avoid. My kids are in their late 20s now, and I would never ask. </p>
<p>My D doesn’t want kids because she wants to break the chain of horrible parenting.
Not stated in so many words but implied.
I didn’t ask BTW, as I felt if she thought it was something she wanted me to know, she would tell me, without me prying.</p>
<p>I’ve had countless conversations about this with my girls and I can’t imagine that it would ever be private. Now, I would never ask about their sex lives or anything like that, but they are just as likely to bring up this topic. Particularlly since my niece is struggling with infertility. Both of them have asked me if I think there might be a genetic component that could affect them someday… I always joke with them that if they give me grandchildren I will forgive many of their previous transgressions! They take it in the loving manner in which the teasing is intended. They both know that if they chose to adopt or to not have children at all I would still love them madly, but I do want another baby to love in the family.</p>
<p>So if they don’t give you grandchildren, you *wouldnt * forgive their previous transgressions?
I realize that you are " teasing", but that type of teasing to me has always seemed very passive aggressive, because if the recipient takes offense, the offender backs off by saying, " I was just teasing", as if that absolves them from their words.</p>
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Emeraldkitty, I know that you are very sensitive, but my girls and I are not. We have a totally different kind of sense of humor than I think you do. We are very, very close and involved in each other’s daily lives and there is absolutely no passive aggressive anything in our relationship. Our kind of sense of humor involves my oldest, when getting to college, texting me a picture of herself lounging in the sun saying “look mom no sunbock and you can’t do anything about it.” I still think that is hilarious. People have different relationships and there isn’t toxicity inside every one that is different from yours. (And as for transgressions, there really aren’t any in any meaningful sense, which is why it is funny. Perhaps it wouldn’t be if there actually were.)</p>
<p>There’s a stereotype of a prying relative, of course. We’re talking about something far, far more innocuous. Would we all have felt violated if our own moms had asked if we hoped to someday parent? Mine asked and I took no offense. At different points, I welcomed that sort of sharing. </p>
<p>I don’t mean any offense, since YMMV for some, and we may be in different stages with our kids, but in my family, some openness has built closeness.</p>
<p>I tease my kids all the time. When they were younger they took me seriously but they learned now as they got older. I have fun with my kids. And please don’t blame me, blame my mom. She gave me this gene. </p>
<p>Some parents don’t seem to understand the difference between asking and badgering.</p>
<p>I would be happy to have grandkids and would feel comfortable asking (only once and remembering the answer given as someone suggests above), but if my girls decide they don’t want them, I can live with that. D2 has already talked about wanting kids, but I wouldn’t be surprised if D1 decided against it. Time will tell. </p>
<p>I have five siblings and only one of them has kids!</p>
<p>"I feel this way about my oldest son. And frankly, it wouldn’t bother me that much. I can picture him with a strong mate and no children. "
- It will change many many times, there is no point to consider this at any given moment, the next moment might bring a big surprise…</p>
<p>We were married seven years before S1 was born. Spent two years going through infertility treatment (in my 20s). My rule is not to ask, but S1 and DIL have both said upfront that they plan to have kids, but it’s a 5-7 year timeline. Considering they were married at 21 & 22, that seems eminently sensible. I’m not ready to be a grandma yet, though I will be delighted if that day ever arrives! S2 will be a terrific dad, but he needs to take care of himself first before a serious relationship, much less children, can develop.</p>
<p>Kids were always a non-negotiable thing for me, but that was my choice. What my sons decide will be a decision they and their spouses make. </p>
<p>All of my Ds have always wanted to have children and I think that eventually all of them will be moms. I already have two grandkids, and expecting another in 2015, and the aunties are fabulous with them. Being a grandparent is so wonderful, I can’t imagine what it would be like to never have that experience. I do, however, think that individuals who do not want children should have their opinions respected and not be pushed/manipulated into changing their minds. I’ve seen too many terrible parents through the years.</p>
<p>I do, however, think that individuals who do not want children should have their opinions respected and not be pushed/manipulated into changing their minds.>>>>>>>>>></p>
<p>I absolutely agree.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I have to mention that it is a lot more difficult and complicated to adopt than it has been in the past few decades. I am so, so lucky that I managed to adopt a healthy toddler from China during the short time the window of opportunity was open to do so there.</p>
<p>I say so because many of you have mentioned that your children would consider adoption and you would be very happy with that (as was my family). There are no sure ways to adopt a reasonably physically and emotionally healthy child under school age anymore in most states and internationally, except if a family is willing to provide foster care for a while with no guarantees that any child they foster will be available for adoption…</p>