Deep-seated resentment towards my father

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have always resented my father for being an overbearing, brash, irrational, and explosive individual all my life. He is verbally abusive and incredibly narcissistic. My mother, my brother, and some of my relatives feel the same way towards him. My good friends also resent him for how he treats me, and some of their parents find my dad weird.</p>

<p>My resentment towards him in the past week has been solidified twofold. I was supposed to attend the FIRST Tech Challenge Robotics World Championships tournament in St. Louis these couple of days. But last Saturday, my dad said I couldn’t go anymore. The family oracle that he and his family on his side consults said that it would be dangerous for me to go on the trip. The consultation of an oracle and the oracle herself clashes with my atheist beliefs, but one cannot deny the uncanny ability that the oracle possesses in predicting things. She has predicted everything from the fate marriages, divorces, deaths, genders, swimming accidents, college acceptances, illnesses, etc. correctly of everyone I know who has consulted her. Even my mom finds her ability uncanny, and she is Christian, while my father is Daoist. </p>

<p>For a moment I actually felt fearful about my welfare and safety had I go on the trip. At one point I found myself saying that maybe I shouldn’t go on the trip. But then I realized I was being irrational, and that it would be foolish to give up such an opportunity. I have worked so hard since August on robotics, spending probably hundreds of hours after school, over breaks, at home, weekends, etc. going to meetings on working on stuff. I am in charge of the EN, and it was nominated for Think Award at a regional championships and played a major part in having my team place for Inspire Award and qualify for the World Championships tournament.</p>

<p>However, by the time I realized all this and after I had the ability to consult my robotics teammates and close friends about this oracle’s prediction, my dad had already canceled my flight tickets. I implored and begged for him to rebook the flights, but he wasn’t willing to pay twice the cost of airfare.</p>

<p>Because I couldn’t end up going, I had to finish everything for robotics on Monday and Tuesday, and therefore had to miss school to finish it. I have twice the work to make up now. Had I gone on the trip, I would have been able to do my robotics work on the plane and at the hotel on Tuesday night and on Wednesday, and therefore would have finished all my homework from Monday and Tuesday. I am also a mental and emotional wreck right now, and cannot even find myself to make up all the schoolwork that I missed. I have missed school yesterday and today because I cannot face the reality of my situation and all the work that I have to make up.</p>

<p>I resent him greatly more than ever now. I find that he took advantage of me at a weak moment by instilling great fear in me in a moment where I could not consult any of my friends (they were either at a friend’s 18th birthday party or at a robotics scrimmage, both which I missed because I thought I was still going to World Championships and thus decided to stay home to do all my schoolwork). I think he took advantage of what the oracle said and blew it up in a radical fashion, as he never wanted me to go to St. Louis in the first place because he didn’t want me missing three days of school (well, look what has happened now). I think I would have been better off going than not going, considering the deplorable state I am in right now. </p>

<p>I feel that I have been cheated out of all the hard work and dedication I have invested towards robotics this past year.</p>

<p>One of my friends said that I shouldn’t have let his fear get to me. I look back and see this now. I realize now that if I am going to get to the top, that I will have to remove him from my life once and for all. He is a toxic individual who will only get in my way as long as I demonstrate any sort of dependence on him or interact with him in the slightest way possible.</p>

<p>Parents, what are your thoughts?</p>

2

<p>You will have to decide whether you can continue to live under his roof and rules.
His canceling your trip was to flex his power(financial) and assert his control over you.
However, you have no financial resources to support yourself.
You can choose to do as he commands if you want him to pay for college or leave home and make it on your own.
Either way don’t expect your mother to take your side.</p>

3

<p>I will apply to many scholarships next year so I can depend as little on him as possible for college. Hopefully a good school accepts me that also grants me good aid. I will get a job(s), whatever it takes.</p>

<p>I am so envious of my teammates right now. They got to meet will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas yesterday, and will meet Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and visit so many fun places in St. Louis later.</p>

4

<p>You will need him to fill out the FASFA forms for school money so his cooperation and good attitude is essential.
If he refuses to release his tax and financial information then you won’t get any money.
You need to pick your battles wisely.
If you don’t get enough money for school, let him pay for your education, then cut him out of your life.
He will use your mother as leverage so be prepared for emotional turmoil.
Grow up and no tantrums when he tries to bully, control and force you to do as he says.</p>

5

<p>Well, to me the whole oracle thing seems really weird. But having said that, if your father really believes in it (and from what you said it sounds kind of like you do as well), then maybe in his own weird way he thought he was looking out for you. And it sounds rather as if you agreed to not go because of your own fears and then changed your mind, so really your Dad does not shoulder all the blame here.</p>

<p>As far as college is concerned, your financial situation for school will depend on your family financial situation. Need based aid hinges on your parents income and it is very hard to go to college without parental support.</p>

<p>As the Mom of 2 young adults whose Dad is very sick with cancer and may not be around much longer, I would suggest trying to let go of your resentment. There were times in their teen years where they probably resented him for being a Dad and doing what dads do. Now they have grown up a little and they can hardly bear the thought they may not have him much longer.</p>

6

<p>All I know about resentment and anger is that it eats away at the person who holds or bears it, causing destruction in YOU. Please move past it and forgive him and you for what has happened in the past and do what you can to make yourself a better future.</p>

<p>As everyone has posted, you need your parents to complete the FAFSA if you are to qualify for FAid for college, until you are 24 or married or have completed your bachelor’s degree or join the military. You NEED to work through this.</p>

<p>As was pointed out, you did acquiesce in your dad’s decision and then changed your mind, so you share at least part of the responsibility in what happened. As a suggestion, it might be good NOT to make decisions until you have gathered enough information so you can make choices you feel you will be comfortable with instead of what feels easiest or best at the time. Airplane tickets are extremely expensive to cancel or reschedule these days and often a penalty is paid for ANY changes.</p>

<p>Hang in there and do your best so you can become financially independent as soon as possible, so you have more control over your choices. Applying and getting a lot of merit awards will also give you a LOT more choices. Good luck!</p>

7

<p>I am so sorry you had to miss the FIRST Championships. My D is on a FIRST team too but they didn’t make it that far. We did compete at the Regionals in St. Louis and it was wonderfully done. </p>

<p>As far as this “oracle” in concerned…he/she is NOT a Christian. Real Christians will not predict anything. She is a flake/fraud. With that being said, and the fact that you need your father’s help/support not only now in your last high school year but also in your college years to help out not only financially and with filling out FAFSA information, etc. I would just suggest remaining on good terms with him.</p>

<p>You sound like despite having to be a part of this weird upbringing that you can make sound decisions for yourself. So I would just suggest you tolerate it, be respectful to your parents and get away from it/them as soon as you can. Do your best to finish up your Junior and senior year, research schools and apply to many financial safeties in case you do not get your families financial support.</p>

<p>Another thing I think you need to be prepared for…what IF this crazy “oracle” decides after you have been accepted to a college…that it is too dangerous for you to attend? Will he/she have any power in the decision? Or change your fathers mind then? Will your father pull the plug on that and withhold funding? You really need to be cautious and plan ahead with the possibility that this could happen.</p>

8

<p>Shake it off. Chin up, shoulders back and chest out! Don’t let this get to you. I realize it was a disappointment and you worked hard, but think of the knowledge you gained from the experience. You can’t change what has happened. So its time to move forward and make lemonade from lemons.<br>
As for your relationship with your father, the quicker you can learn to accept him for who he is, the better it will be for you. Accepting him, doesn’t mean that you have to like the things he says and does, but you don’t have to recent him for them either. He sounds a bit ‘old world’ and uber traditional in his thinking. Fortunately, you are not. You can’t change him but you can change yourself. Change yourself so that you don’t allow him to irritate you. Brush off the rude comments. Remember that you’re better than that. So don’t let things get to you. You know what he is all about. So move past it. I’m not saying that its easy but you have to start sometime. </p>

<p>As for college, I would recommend looking at some decent school that aren’t ‘reaches’. Thats where the most money will be for you.</p>

9

<p>FYI: In case your father gives you a hard time paying for applications, AP tests, SAT/ACT tests go to your guidance counselor explain the situation and ask for help. They can help you to be exempt from the fees. In the meantime, work as much as possible this summer and bank your funds, in case you’re going to need them. </p>

<p>I want to say one more thing. “This breaks my heart and I’m sorry for you. No kid should have to go through any of this. But once again, take these negatives and make it into a positive. Make yourself stronger and better for it. Someday, when you’re a success and independent, you will be so proud of yourself and all your accomplishments. And you will deserve everything that comes your way!!”</p>

10

<p>You lost me at family oracle. </p>

<p>I love CC!</p>

11

<p>OP, I don’t think any rational person will take your father’s side in this matter, and I’m sorry you have to live in such an atmosphere. But the thing is, you can’t change or control him, but you can control how you react in the future. Try not to stew over what’s happened, take things one day at at time, try to make really informed decisions in the future and realize that parents (and even “oracles”) make mistakes too. Learn to trust yourself and you won’t go wrong.</p>

12

<p>Think of the wonderful essay you can write , and the passion you can share about robotics ,your dad ,and how nothing will keep you from attaining your dreams . My dad left me and my mom when I was 2 , and I never understood why till I was an adult . This experience has had a dramatic influence on who I became . "What doesn’t kill you can make you stronger . " Try and gain something positive from this ,and good luck.</p>

13

<p>Neutralize the oracle by presenting your problem to her. If she recommends that the father relinquish control, he has to accept the recommendation or discredit the oracle for all future purposes. If she sides with the father you know she is a stooge that can be used any time the customer (dad) needs incontestible repackaging of his own decisions, and plan accordingly. You already have reason to believe the second possibility is the case so the downside is low; either oracle works to your advantage or you know it has to be removed as a variable from anything that involves you.</p>

14

<p>Dad is a passive aggressive control freak bully. There I said what needs to be said. He is using his personal connection to the oracle to control his family, which is really scary. Sorry but it is. You will never be able to count on him. He will say yes then no to exert power, no matter how mich you cow tow to him. </p>

<p>All this be good agreeable etc is fine, but it will mean nothing to him. He will always find an excuse, oh the oracle says…I know the type far too well</p>

<p>Is this oracle a real person, a paid consultate, and candle, a picture, how does she speak to dad? Does anyone else hear what she says?</p>

15

<p>Yeah, she is a real person. She is this old Chinese lady who speaks an old Chinese dialect. I have seen her before, and so has everyone in my family. My aunt, grandparents, and other relatives actually consult her too. Aside from domestic affairs, they also consult her on financial affairs to know if something like a business event or a stock will be prosperous.</p>

16

<p>This is a cultural matter. It’s easy for westerners to dismiss the oracle, but even OP makes a point of saying how uncannily accurate she often is showing that he even doesn’t dismiss this belief system entirely. It may seen absolutely irrational - but many people in the world believe in such rituals. It’s no more irrational than Christians who believe Jesus guides their actions or speaks to them when they pray. As a family issue I think a lot of good points have been made. OP needs to talk to his dad and understand the role of this oracle in his future and make plans accordingly. Dad does sound like a tyrant - so OP can be grateful that one day he’ll have the freedom to not be controlled by him. You have my sympathy… frustrating situation - but air reservations certainly can’t be remade without spending crazy large amounts of money.</p>

17

<p>I am not a parent but will reply any way. I gather that you are under 18 and your parents are still providing for you, while you continue to be a minor, and or they are supporting you financially you will have to follow their rules and do what they wany given it is not illegal etc. Keep a good realationship with your father, because you will need him to fill out FAFSA etc, like another poster mentions. once you are out on your own supporting yourself, you can attend all of the robot meetings you want. This oracle thing is bizzare, but I have dealt with people with similar beliefs or even very different religious ones that let them dictate everything in such weird ways. Yes, in that I include christians, muslims etc anyone really. It is very strange for those whose religion/delusions do not dictate their lives to this extent to comprehend this. . At least you seem to partially beleive in it as well.</p>

18

<p>How dpes son know she is accurate? Has he heard her say things ***** he just getting second hand reports from dad? And maybe daddy changes the facts tomfitthe situation? Oh oracle said this would happen…</p>

<p>Its whoey, cultural or not, to have some old lady run your life. And she is making family decisions based on facts she hears from dad. All about control, and if she is paid by dad, then she is saying what will please him.</p>

<p>It is very easy to trick people. And manipulate facts to fit an agenda.</p>

19

<p>Lols people, I am a girl. :P</p>

<p>She doesn’t charge anyone. She resides in a temple. People give her lots of donations for the number of uncannily correct predictions she has made. But, otherwise, her husband is well-off and supports her. </p>

<p>But I agree with you, Seahorsesrock, in your belief that having an old lady run your life is foolish — it’s the main reason why I’m against religion.</p>

<p>I think one can live a happy and morally righteous life without someone else telling you to. And it should be that way. Living in the shadow of someone else’s words is lame.</p>

<p>I dunno about manipulation though. My mom didn’t believe in the oracle either. She thought the oracle was full of BS at first. That is, until the oracle predicted two medical conditions of her correctly. One of them: My mom suffers from a major digestive problem and eating even a moderate amount of food induces severe bowel discomfort. The oracle, in front of my very eyes, touched her abdomen and said that an area of her intestine was formed oddly — and even drew out the anatomy of the region on a paper. My mom, a few weeks later, consulted a doctor who carried out an examination that showed that the region was indeed malformed, as per the drawing of the oracle. Oracle does not know a thing about medicine.</p>

<p>I am still doubtful though. I’m not sure what to believe.</p>

20

<p>Ever watch Thpse shows where people read minds? It’s very easy to read people and get enough in formation to predict. I guarantee you she is wrong way more than she is right, it’s you never hear about the wrong. And sure she gets donations, she’s a con woman. Sorry but she is.</p>