<p>Since many CCers have talented and high achieving children, I’d like to ask for suggestions from your personal experiences regarding handling the minefield of competition and the accompanying jealousy from others. This would include jealousy from ambitious kids directed at your child, as well as jealousy from other parents toward your S/D or toward you the parent. When a child is experiencing noticeable or publicized success at an endeavor, and if we also assume the achiever is modest and not at fault in their behavior or attitude toward their peers, what strategies work as far as deflecting jealousy and protecting against back-stabbing and passive aggressive stuff? </p>
<p>I’ll start. For parents whom I encounter regularly, I make a special point to be gracious and generous in my praise for the positive qualities and accomplishments of their children.</p>
<p>For kids: I discussed with my D proper interview responses when reporters wish to write about her accomplishments. She already knew this, but I reminded her to always give all the credit to her teachers or coaches and teammmates.</p>
<p>We have a rather unusual situation in that my high-achieving son attended school in a small Kansas town that had VERY few others who were competitive enough (in ATTITUDE, not ability) to be jealous of any of his accomplishments. To the contrary, both his friends <em>AND</em> most of their parents were highly supportive of him. The real irony is that most of the “jealousy” came from teachers/school administrators who gave him a shamefully wretched time about even APPLYING to school outside of Kansas, saying things like, “What’s the matter, Kansas schools aren’t GOOD ENOUGH for you??” even though he did, indeed apply to our state school. I found this both curious and inexcusable. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like your D is a great kid who has been given excellent guidance by you. I honestly don’t think there is a way to rid yourself of all the jealousy…it is, after all, a very natural human trait. All you can do is to handle yourself with grace and dignity. I think you are on the right track.</p>
<p>Thanks, berurah. Maybe what I’m really in need of is advice on how not to feel so hurt about it when friends and acquaintances become bitter toward us. I honestly can say that when my friends’ kids do well, I am very happy for them. To me the world of achievements is an infinite universe, not a closed set. In my world view, one person’s accomplishment does not at all diminish the actual or potential accomplishment of anyone else. It seems that many folks act as though if my child has earned Honor X, then that’s one less honor that’s available for their child to earn and so they resent it. This makes it hard for us to enjoy the success.</p>
<p>My suggestion is the hardest to do (until it bacomes a habit) – Try hard to not discuss your kid with other parents. This helps to keep the conversation off their kids too, and the inevitable compare/contrast thing that can get going. If they start talking about kids you can listen, sympathize, congratulate (or whatever) and then change the subject. If they ask questions about your kid, short polite answers should do the job. </p>
<p>Make friends with whom you have other interests in common. Instead, chat with your parents (the grandparents) or your brothers and sisters about your’s and their kids – or come to CC!</p>
<p>{{{{{{{{{HUGS to you and to your D}}}}}}}} </p>
<p>To me, your concerns and your statements convey NOTHING but modesty, goodwill toward others, and a very <em>appropriate</em> and warranted disappointment in the fact that your D’s successes have been rendered less enjoyable to you by virtue of the ungracious behavior of others. You must realize, though, that no matter what you do or say, a few other people are not capable of sharing in the joy of the success of someone else’s child. Again, it sounds like you are doing the right things, and that is really all you CAN do. I can really empathize here, as we went through the same thing with our school administration, but in the end, their feelings/behaviors did not change. The only thing that changed was my investment in those behaviors. </p>
<p>If so-called friends/acquaintances express bitterness toward your child’s successes, you have every right to feel hurt. After all, what they’ve done is hurtful.</p>
<p>All I can suggest is that you realize that anyone who does that is not your friend and doesn’t have your best interest at heart.</p>
<p>Virtually all of my S’s friends did better than he did in terms of grades and getting into college (S performed academically far below his capabilities). Still, I was very happy for his friends’ successes, and S was happy for his friends. We gave them sincere well wishes. That’s what it means to be someone’s friends.</p>
<p>WRT kids aiming for/getting into highly selective colleges, many parents find the best way to answer “Where is s/he applying?” is to say something along the lines of “Oh, she’s looking at quite a few places.” Then change the subject.</p>
<p>When it is jealousy over your child’s accomplishments that neither you nor she is bragging about, like Northstarmom says, it is hurtful and comes from nothing you’ve done. “Consider the source” and try hard to let it go.</p>
<p>Then come here to cc. Here, we get it. Whether our child is at the top, middle or lower part of the pack. And here, we’ve agreed it’s okay to burst with rightful pride. We get that too.</p>
<p>weenie’s advice is the best. If you don’t discuss your kids, then it is impossible to compare & contrast. Especially if you KNOW your kid is stronger than the child of whomever you are chatting with. Even a modest accomplishment can be tough to listen to if one’s own kid is struggling. Best to chat about very neutral topics surrounding the kids. If an honor shows up in the newspaper, people will be much more likely to be happy for your kid if they didn’t hear it from you. </p>
<p>Your kid’s the val: “She did well & we’re very pround.” Not, “We’re thrilled! The principal said she’s the brightest student the school has had in ten years!” Regardless of how great she may be. Tone it down & take it down a notch. </p>
<p>“Don’t blow your own horn” was drilled into me & my siblings. I drill it into my kids, too.</p>
<p>My son is the only one who got into HV. He has been around with many talent kids. Most of them went YP, Duke, Cornell, NYU, et. al. They have been very friend one another and I couldn’t see any sign of envy. Envy is a sign of inmaturity. Parent’s envy easily past to their kids. But none is perfect. There is a very talent girl who is one of my son’s best friend. After my son made HV, she seemed to cut off the friendship with my son. I once asked him what happened. He said he had no idea. I</p>
<p>I guess it is important for ourselves to have a positive attitude to others. For mature people, there is no space for envy.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about this, too. I have one daughter who is successful in a mainstream, middle of the road way. She is one of the absolutely kindest people I’ve ever met and inspires no envy whatsoever even though she does some modeling and is very popular. She is popular because people love her not because of her achievements. My second daughter is a superstar. Being her mother is like having a celebrity child. She excels at everything and is blessed with a large, flamboyant, exuberant personality and she does inspire jealousy. The difference in my mind is that D2 is a perfectly normal, sometimes moody, sometimes unkind, teenager. She just started high school and has become the alpha female in her freshman class which scares me to death because (a) she has set herself up as a target, and (b) one of her classmates is a girl she went to middle school with who was incredibly competitive with her. The girl puts on a very sweet face to the world, literally batting her eyelashes at all adults but having no ability to interact with her peers. From the outside, one might think that it’s my daughter who is the mean girl, but it’s actually the “sweet” and plain girl. I review my daugther’s Myspace and every single email she sends or receives and I have been disturbed by some received from “sweet” girl and how inappropriately provocative some of her online pictures are. Anyway, she is consumed with envy of my daughter and she gets it from her mother! Mom was an employee at middle school who never let the daughter so much as speak to other kids and mom had unrealistic expectations for her kid and it drove her a little nuts (I mean that seriously) that my daughter received so many accolades that she had expected for her daughter and didn’t receive. The woman has placed a target on my daughter’s back and won’t let up. Thankfully, she isn’t in the high school. The “sweet” girl is so socially inept that in only a week and a half she has alienated most of her classmates and they are beginning to pick on her. I have reined in my daughter and been aggressive and adamant that she should always be kind to this girl and not participate. I also told her to keep me posted as to whether things get bad in school. I’d love to say that I’m keeping an eye on this girl because I’m a nice person, but that’s not it. I’m just concerned that she and her envious, spiteful mother will turn on or blame my daughter. Anyway, I have no answers except to not participate in unkind behavior and hope for the best. Sorry for hijacking the post. I guess I hadn’t realized how worried I am.</p>
<p>We went through this a bit with my son, but it appears that it’s going to be a lot harder with my daughter. First, my S was a very matter-of-fact type of kid who was able to just see the jealousy for what it was and ignore it. My D, like most girls, is more socially orientated and more dearly values being liked and included. Also, boys seem to just express their aggression in some outward verbal or physical way and then it’s over and done with. Like if a boy got beaten by a teammate at a race or something and it irritated him, then maybe he’d insult the kid or push him into a puddle on their next workout and the issue would be over and done. A girl, on the otherhand, might gossip, nourish a grudge, and behave cattily for quite some time. Girls also tend to be sneakier about being nasty, which means often teachers and coaches (esp. the male ones) don’t recognize the nasty behavior for what it is and put an end to it. Sometimes other kids don’t “see” it either.
Edit: I didn’t read zoosermom’s post before posting this, but I can identify with the “nice girl” who’s not really nice at all.</p>
<p>Recent example of female passive aggression: Perky and “angelic” team captains, beloved by male coaches, place supposedly inspirational messages on the lockers of the girls on the team. The day after D runs a great race (beating teammates by 2 min.), they put this quote on D’s locker: “A team with a star is good, but a team without a star is great.” Not a horrible tragedy, but their message wasn’t lost on D. Conclusion:she will likely have a difficult time finding true friends on that team, and yet with those girls is where the bulk of her extracurricular time will be spent.</p>
<p>GFG, that is the kind of things coaches and schools should be on guard against. It saddens me, to say the least. You probably are in no position to be the one to speak to school administration re this kind of inappropriate “team” behavior. But it would be great if some parent did.</p>
<p>At my S’ school, the standout athletes (<em>not</em> my S in any way) were very often also the most “giving” members of the team, supporting their teammates, helping the lesser ones come along etc. They were publicly heralded by the coaches for that behavior, rather than (or okay, sometimes along with) their athletic feats. If there is a way your D can go out of her way to help her teammates reach her level, maybe that would help (it would certainly be a virtue with its own reward). Of course, maybe not.</p>
<p>PS I do believe it is true that a lot of this “mean girl” behavior is middle school and high school based. If she can just hang on for college, it tends to be a different world, in my observation, where it is easier for each type of kid to find his or her own people and not be subject to this type of smallness.</p>
<p>Maybe boys have the right idea. I suggest you and your daughter ignore events that seem petty to you. As the saying goes, you can’t control how people act but you can control how you respond.</p>
<p>Berurah, I want to give you a hug for being outraged on my behalf. Thanks. But I think DRJ4 may be right that the best strategy is to ignore it. First of all, it does us little good to dwell on the ill-feelings of others toward us unless there’s a fault in ourselves that needs remediation. Secondly, we would only create a larger mess by bringing this issue to the coach’s attention. Remember, the captains are “good girls” from “nice families”. I could 100% guarantee you that the coach would tell me/my D that his captains are great girls who would NEVER mean to hurt anyone. He would assert that we must be misunderstanding something. At best, he would think we were making a mountain out of a molehile like women tend to do (not my opinion, but what his would be) and that probably we need to develop a thicker skin.</p>
<p>JMMom, thanks for the advice. I will encourage my daughter to develop that type of attitude. In her case it will take a little work to act on it, though, since the X-C team trains in groups based on mile times and so she’s training mostly with one other girl and the middle group of boys.</p>
<p>The GFG: My older D is on the XC team at her school. She’s totally average as a runner but is always the most popular. here’s what she does: she cheers loudly for her teammates, will occasionally bring a snack or a thermos of drinks and cups to the meets, she remembers milestones and is the team’s biggest fan. She didn’t know any of the kids before joining, but this is her personality and it’s helped ward off jealousy all her life. Perhaps your daughter could bring something with her or go out of her way to be kind and supportive? Just a though. I know how you’re feeling and wish you all the best.</p>
<p>GFG, about the overall jealousy, as others said, you can’t do that much about what others do. I like what Northstarmom said about true friends do not act this way. Friends support one another and share equally. Something to keep in mind. It doesn’t take away any hurt, but it is just a matter of who to associate with. </p>
<p>About the locker note and X country team…I think that note is horrible, truly horrible and I can’t imagine it. I have a daughter who played three varsity sports in HS. Teammates were very supportive of one another. Two of her sports, tennis and ski racing, involve competiing as an individual on the one hand (results) but the team score is what counts (for HS teams). While she set personal goals for herself and cared about her results, the main thing was the team. Each girl cheered for the other. The overall team result was the only thing that truly counted. If one girl did really well, rather than shun her, the rest of the team would be happy because that girl’s result helped the team. They’d be whooping it up on the sidelines for one another. This is crucial in a team sport. The coach should be building such an attitude and accept nothing less. I can’t imagine my D thinking, let alone acting, in the way that those girls did who left the note about having a team with a star. My D is on a varsity sport team in college now (where each girl also gets an individual result) and she would tell me excitedly about a big honor that the best girl on her team received. She was THAT happy for her. </p>
<p>As far as what to do…quite tricky because I don’t think it is good to meddle much. But if this sort of thing keeps up with your D on this team (just talking now of that, not the other stuff you mentioned), perhaps you can encourage her to speak to the coach about the need for some team building and collaboration and how she has been feeling when notes such as that are left, almost discouraging her from performing well because others don’t want her to stand out. I’m not sure about this but it is an option. Another option may be that if you were already in a casual conversation with the coach at some function (in other words, did not contact him just over this issue), to mention that team building is in need as there are jealous actions taking place that are getting in the way of that. The note is just one example. You can say you just thought he may not be aware that this was going on and leave it at that. If you are uncomfortable, maybe a chat with the athletic director could happen but I would not make it a complaint but more of a suggestion based on observations that the coach may not be aware is going on. I’d only do so if my child was getting upset on an ongoing basis and this was getting out of hand. </p>
<p>I also like the suggestion that your D can lead by example. She can cheer wildly for others. She can send them notes of “great job today…your results really helped the team.” She can suggest a team potluck dinner. She can bring treats in for everyone. My D’s soccer team had very frequent team dinners (parents invited) with team building in mind. That is why I am appalled in the example you gave because this is not just normal teen girl jealousy but this took place within the context of a high school sports team and there is no place for that sort of thing that happened with that note.</p>
You’re right. Right now I just can’t get enough objectivity about this as I have “politely ignored” for the past four years the egregious anti-Semitism rampant at my kids’ high school. But, <em>DRIPPING with sarcasm here</em> these were all essentially GOOD kids who meant NOTHING at all by the message, given to my son’s then-gf, that said, “I’m Hitler on him…you’ll never find the body.” Or the swastika that was recently found carved into a desk in my D’s drama room. Or the incessant filthy name-calling and several physical attacks. Kids will be kids, after all…</p>
<p>But seriously, I <em>DO</em> think that DRJ4 is right. Ignore it. The various attacks against my son eventually stopped when he graduated and left the school. Meanwhile, round two with my two D’s who are there now…<em>sigh</em></p>
<p>“You’re right. Right now I just can’t get enough objectivity about this as I have “politely ignored” for the past four years the egregious anti-Semitism rampant at my kids’ high school. But, <em>DRIPPING with sarcasm here</em> these were all essentially GOOD kids who meant NOTHING at all by the message, given to my son’s then-gf, that said, “I’m Hitler on him…you’ll never find the body.” Or the swastika that was recently found carved into a desk in my D’s drama room. Or the incessant filthy name-calling and several physical attacks. Kids will be kids, after all…”</p>
<p>Will someone please help me pick my face up the floor? Not to be a cliche-monger, but Well, I never . . . ! How horrible and disgusting. Unacceptable.</p>
<p>Ditto. I’m totatlly shocked that this was tolerated. </p>
<p>I have found there to be tremendous inconsistency in how our schools here have dealt with bullying and hateful remarks. I’m pretty confident they would have jumped all over a situation like berurah describes with a very strong disciplinary reaction. However, I never understood why or how they constructed their hierarchy of insult categories. If a child were to say to a purple person, “All purple people are filthy scumbags,” that would be the gravest of offenses. Yes, it is terribly wrong to malign an entire group of people like that. Still, IMO a person’s unique name is even more intimately tied to his personhood than the name of his racial/ethnic/religious group. In other words, if a child said to a specific purple person “Peter Purple, you are a filthy scumbag,” that would get completely ignored by the teachers and administration. Go figure.</p>