<p>Berurah, I am completely and utterly horrified. I just don’t know what to say, but how sorry I am that your son (and now daughters) have had to deal with that.</p>
<p>Ranking of bad things in this regard:</p>
<ol>
<li>Anti-semitism and any other racial/religious slurs. </li>
</ol>
<p>Everything else pales in comparison. In this day and age I can’t believe you are having to experience that.</p>
<p>The worst thing that happened to me, lucikly it was to me not my kids, was watching my friends of their babyhood fall away as other people’s kids had issues in high school. The people with kids drinking, or getting disappointing SAT scores, they would make these comments that just pierced me. I remember when D was deferred from Harvard EA, someone who had been my good friend for over 15 years a) told me she had heard about D b) immediately asked me if I knew her D had gotten into Stanford EA (double legacy, and stats nowhere near the average…), c) pointedly told me about someone else who had gotten into Princeton ED and how it was lucky too since that girl had slaved away. Implication was that so had my D while her D was clearly better off having not put in the time.</p>
<p>Really got to me.</p>
<p>But my best friend, she is great. Her first kid was a hellion, all kinds of issues. She would joke with me, “Sure, your kids are shiny pearls, what do YOU know!” We are closer than ever. And now it’s her turn with a high-achiever D2 so I give her the support right back, even to the point of cooking dinners that her track star will consume:).</p>
<p>Payback is either a ***** or a joy.</p>
<p>GFC,
I know its hard to see others act unkindly toward your daughter, but you can use this as an excellent opportunity to teach her lessons that she will be able to draw on for a lifetime. </p>
<p>The more she achieves, the bigger target she will become. There will always be people who are rude and critical no matter how wonderful she is. Can you imagine a president being universally loved by his fellow citizens? No matter how great he is, there will always be critics. You can help her to see that she can’t allow herself to be controlled by the nastiness of others. Why would she want to give mean people such power over her? Thats exactly what they want. As long as she isn’t doing anything to warrant the criticism, she should go about her business and ignore them as much as possible. Hopefully she has nice friends in her school, but if not, she has college to look forward to!</p>
<p>I agree about the ignoring and the lessons to be learned. </p>
<p>The situation with the team incident, however, is an issue in terms of the cohesiveness of the sport team and should be a concern for the coach if he is unaware. </p>
<p>Any racial or religious hateful acts need to be brought to the attention of administrators who should have a no tolerance policy. Once when I was an elemenatary school teacher, a co worker, who was brand new and recently arrived, an older man, made an anti-Semitic remark that was directed toward me (said it to me, but refered to me using anti-Semitic language). He was the special ed teacher and it is a very small school and I was going to have to work with him. I brought it to the attention of the superintendent who was appalled and a disciplinary letter was placed in this man’s file. I think in situations of this nature, one should not ignore it.</p>
<p>Mean people are pests and it’s best to ignore them. They eventually fall under their own weight. Anti-semitism and ethnic/racial hatred are objectionable and unconscionable. Fighting such hateful ideas is worth the effort, whether or not we succeed. My sympathies, Berurah, and stay strong.</p>
<p>GFG: Oh, so sports are involved. I love sports… love to watch them, play them, and watch my kids play them. But it’s an area where I witness more kooky behavior than any other. If freshman d is 2 minutes ahead of the xc team, either she’s a Div 1 shoe-in, or the team is weak. I’m guessing these team captains are seniors? xc is such an odd mix of individual accomplishment & team scoring, with some meets counting heavily, others not at all, that it gets complicated. </p>
<p>Is your d doing smart, savy things like letting the upperclassmen lead the warm-up runs? Silly, but that goes a long way. Is the coach planning to give a few weaker (but dedicated) seniors a spot on the varsity in some meets so they can at least earn a letter? These nasty captains may be worried that long time friends are about to be bumped by a stronger runner. In xc, a girl much slower than your d might still be fast enough to rank high enough & earn the team a first place. So the seniors are going to be loyal to their friend, not your d. The coach can help tremendously by not pitting girls against one another. My d’s xc coach did just the opposite & some nice seniors who worked like dogs were bumped for freshman, even though the meet outcome would have been the same. Several didn’t earn letters & it was awkward & divisive. It took the fun out of earning a varsity for my frosh d, who decided not to return to the team this fall as a soph.</p>
<p>If xc were like football, where in a blowout you can empty the bench and play the seniors, it would make life easier. But having to pick only 7 varsity runners (at least that’s how NJ does it) per meet makes it harder to be inclusive.</p>
<p>I’d still rather have my kids face jealousy than anti-semitism. Swastikas carved in desks? Unbelievable! I’d be suspicious that the administration ignoring this pattern was more than negligent…perhaps anti-semitic themselves? Anybody named Joe Kennedy, perhaps?</p>
<p>I am going to say something that might ruffle some feathers, but having lived through something in middle school, I have a view from the otherside:</p>
<p>We had a couple of girls and a boy that were the favorites:
star of the plays
their writing picked to submit to contests
picked by teachers for certain jobs
chosen for academic team</p>
<p>there were lots of smart kids in the classes, but these few were always the ones…it was hard to say, wow congrats, she got the lead, again, when I saw so many other kids who were better…and it had nothing to do with my D in many cases…I wasn’t mean or anything, just didn’t go out of my way to congratulate a kid for getting something many did not feel she earned…not saying this is the case with the OP, not at all, just that when you see its the same kid over and over, often at the expense of kids that are better, at best you just shrug</p>
<p>having lived through that with teachers who picked favorites at the beginning of the year, and those parents all proud, it got old…thats all</p>
<p>
What if your children are TRULY fearful for their safety and have begged you to do NOTHING? THAT is why I have ignored it…for fear of making things even worse, and THEY are the ones who have to face these people daily.</p>
<p>Some coaches just don’t get it. If a pecking order that impairs team spirit has been established, only a clueless coach would not be aware, and it’s unlikely that he will fix things. But I’m guessing he’s not as bad as this guy:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.deadspin.com/sports/clips/yeah-you-see-laserdiscs-are-the-future-200704.php[/url]”>http://www.deadspin.com/sports/clips/yeah-you-see-laserdiscs-are-the-future-200704.php</a></p>
<p>when you do nothing, it is a tacit approval…if they truely fear for their safety, if something DOES happen and you did nothing…</p>
<p>“having lived through that with teachers who picked favorites at the beginning of the year, and those parents all proud, it got old…thats all”</p>
<p>That’s a totally valid consideration, CGM. Picking and choosing favorites is just not acceptable. It’s when a kid is a super-achiever by objective standards that the jealousy is unfair.</p>
<p>berurah, </p>
<p>I got a pit in my stomach reading your posts. I cannot imagine that students have that level of ignorance, hatred and anger. Your children’s resilience is amazing.</p>
<p>Even if a student is a teacher’s favorite, it’s not his fault. You don’t have to go out of your way to congratulate him, especially if you consider the recognition to be unwarranted, but that would be no excuse for being rude.</p>
<p>As another said, you just don’t bring it up. Remember to say thank you for any compliments you receive about publications. Blame your spouse for how smart the kids are and change the subject. We lost touch with several families over the years as our kids headed towards their NMF standings. It is hard to be around a family where things are going well while your child might be flunking out or mixed up with drugs.</p>
<p>As far as dealing with mean people in JR H and HS, you have to talk with your child. What the child has to realize is that for some this is the best momment in their lives. It’s simply not going to get any better for them, so they resent those with a future. They need to understand with a bit of empathy why some kids are so mean. Then look forward to college where alot of those people will never be there. Time passing tends to reduce the nasty people in our kids lives. Their enjoyment about college is now there’s more of “us” than there are of “them”.</p>
<p>citygirlmom: I know exactly what you are talking about and have seen that scenario myself. It’s one reason why D is running X-C instead of playing soccer, lol! Naively I had hoped that the objective standards in running would eliminate the majority of the politics and favoritism. Silly of me.</p>
<p>Sticker, I think you have a handle on some of the issues that could arise. Unfortunately, even if this would be a case where running the underclassmen would boot off some juniors or seniors without changing the end result of the meet, the kids aren’t the ones making the coaching decisions. In my D’s case, at least, her presence is definitely going to affect the team’s outcome. (It’s too soon to tell if she’s a Div 1 prospect or not. As for the strength of her team: they couldn’t hold a candle to teams like Colts Neck or Jackson, but they’re not bad either.)</p>
<p>Berurah, I understand how the idea of you addressing the anti-semitism might bother your kids, and I’m not sure what I’d do in your situation. I haven’t walked that walk.</p>
<p>But it just galls me to let that pass! It’s a teachable moment for all the kids at the school, not just your children. What’s the point of teaching the history of the Holocaust in the classroom if we don’t live it in real life? Would it make sense to get someone from the Anti-Defamation League to speak at the school? My son attends a parochial school with a very active Jewish Student’s Union. Kids from a variety of faiths attend the school and they really try to be inclusive and respectful to their faiths, even to the point of having Rabbis or Orthodox priests participate in services. It benefits everyone.</p>
<p>
Berurah,</p>
<p>I didn’t mean your children have to fight. Far from it - they are kids. I was referring to adults in positions of authority, especially the teachers and principal of your children’s school, the school board, the community leaders and, by extension, everyone who is offended by what you describe.</p>
<p>
DRJ4~</p>
<p>I realized what you meant, and I didn’t interpret it to be a suggestion that my kids fight. Unfortunately, the administration/teachers/parents in this community do NOT perceive there to <em>be</em> a problem. Their reaction is much like the coach’s described above by TheGFG—they deny that there is a problem and ascribe VERY offensive behaviors to a “kids will be kids” attitude or better yet, the idea that these kids <em>only</em> do this because they do not know what a Jew is. ??? </p>
<p>When my son’s gf received the hateful and threatening message via IM the one I referenced above, my dh and I printed it out and took it to the police who quickly dismissed it as “child’s play” and deemed it “harmless.” </p>
<p>It is this ENTIRE mentality that is difficult to fight, and we virtuallhy have no allies in the administration, which would rather turn a blind eye to this ugliness than address it head on. </p>
<p>We are kind of between a rock and a hard place here…doing nothing is NOT a good choice, but in this particular case, doing SOMETHING might prove to be even worse.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Berurah,</p>
<p>The police response is disappointing, and I’m sure that is putting it mildly from your perspective. Have you considered calling the state police or another law enforcement agency outside your community? The ACLU? Is there a statewide Jewish organization that might be able to offer support? Perhaps you could call the [Jewish</a> Federation of Greater Kansas City](<a href=“http://www.jewishkansascity.org/]Jewish”>http://www.jewishkansascity.org/) and discuss this matter with them. I realize you don’t want to make waves because your family will have to live with the consequences and, in my opinion, standing up to this kind of hatred is too much for one family to fight alone.</p>
<p>EDIT and PS: You might see if your children’s school would show The Paper Clip Project movie. Here’s a link: <a href=“paperclipsmovie.com - paperclipsmovie Resources and Information.”>paperclipsmovie.com - paperclipsmovie Resources and Information.. It’s the story of an eighth grade class in Tennessee that collected paper clips to represent people who died in the Holocaust. Perhaps others have seen this film, too. It’s powerful and especially effective with teens in middle and high school.</p>
<p>
You are most correct here…The local problem is MUCH too deep-rooted and pervasive for one family to fight alone. And there is a great deal of sheer ignorance to go along with the malice. A quick example:</p>
<p>Several years ago, when most of my kids were still young, we met a nice family during library hour. She asked us to get together to let the kids play. During the course of a conversation in which she asked which church we attended, I casually said that we were Jewish. She was stone cold silent. Later, during a phone conversation, she blurted this out…“Well, I really <em>WAS</em> surprised to find out you were Jewish because you <em>ACT</em> like a Christian!!!” Puzzled, I asked her what she meant by that and she said, “Well, you’re so nice and your kids are so nice!” Yep. Sad, but true.</p>
<p>So, you see, it <em>really</em> is a losing battle here, although I did, at one point, consider some of your excellent suggestions above–but then thought the better of making waves. It’s a lesson we all learn at one time or another, I guess. Sometimes, it’s just too risky and futile to do battle.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>