When the kids were young, I would get them nice BD cakes, and H and my BD cake too. I lost weight before my 50th and bought a nice cake. After that, when the kids were older (and should have been more about my BD and not getting great cake) and I was fighting the weight, I stopped buying a cake for my BD and told my family why - no one made any effort or very little effort for my BD. Sometimes I would get a hand made card from DDs, and I fussed over them. H knew minimal was a card, so at the last minute he would procure.
Often kids/H would want ice cream cake and I would procure.
When I was under chemo for stage III cancer, I told H to get DD’s birthday cake at X store because they had great cake/frosting. No he got a cheap aXX cake with horrible frosting at store Y. Clueless! Somehow he didn’t hear about the store detail either, but of course he went for convenience w/o knowing that I get great cakes at specific places because they are GREAT CAKES!
Now kids are 20 and 22. Sometimes I have not gotten either a call or a card from one or other DD. At some point they will ‘wake up’. I told them they could still make a card and it would be cherished. Also H and my wedding anniversary - should be important to recognize.
H is not a good gift buyer usually, because of the family he came from and his growing up years - he had no sisters either, and mom did not instill the feminine touch and father grew up in frugal and tough circumstances. I didn’t establish a pattern in our early married years, and now it just is easier to work around.
If anyone saw ‘Blue Bloods’ last night - great episode about circumstances with Frank’s 9th birthday, and the underlying reason why he had a hang up about celebrating his birthday.
Honestly, SOSConcern, I am shocked. I would think anyone surviving stage III cancer would get a parade, a 21-gun salute or at least a few dozen roses each birthday! You really deserve to treat yourself to something extra special, even if that means going away for a retreat, a spa or a posh hotel with room service by yourself for the weekend (and maybe they’d get the hint!)
On my 50th, hubby was on an assignment in Istanbul and 10-year-old DS didn’t know it was my BD (still doesn’t–if you’re reading this, ChoatieCorporal, it was yesterday!). I had totally forgotten it was my BD until my mother called me that night to wish me happy 50th. Hubby called the next day, and I thanked him for not reminding me that I was getting closer to my expiration date.
I thought of this thread while I watched a TV show with comedian Jim Gaffigan. “My three-year-old didn’t get me a birthday present!” [The crowd groans.] “I’ve known him a couple of years, too! I won’t be talking to him anymore…”
I’m learning a lot from this thread. When my kids are grown I think I’ll call them the week before DH’s and my birthdays, tell them we’d love for them to give us a call, and let them know what time their dad and I will be back from wherever we’re spending the day. And if I don’t hear from them by dinnertime, I’ll call them to let them know we’re home.
@inthegarden I actually buy fresh flowers almost every week now (for about the past year), at very good prices (we have a Kroger that overstocks and I drive by there on Wed evening when it is after mark down, so I usually can make two nice floral arrangements in my crystal vases, and place the arrangements in two spots- kitchen counter and dining table, each week for under $6).
I don’t focus on keeping a neat house, and have faults of my own. But yes, surviving the aggressive and quickly spreading cancer puts everything into perspective.
Last time H complained about something minor, I told him he is terrible with complaining - and he made a bit of a joke saying he was good at complaining.
When H complains and it really ticks me off, I make a comment like, well I can die and he can have my life insurance, and then he can get rid of my stuff that bothers him; it shuts him up because his life is a whole lot better with me around. He has no clue how to handle many things. H has really let up and doesn’t complain very much anymore.
I also have done a super job with our investments for retirement (so keeping H well fed and with $$ security - two things important to him) - it took our financial guy (who we hired a few years ago) three different visits and times where he commented how great I have done with our money based on income. H always has the idea that I spend $$ too readily - which is totally not the truth, but I am not going to be living like we have half the income we have. Very pleased with last year’s 401k return, which I manage (and got input from financial guy that manages other retirement assets).
And I totally agree when someone gives gifts over and over that are against what was requested during the dating/engaged scene - it definitely is a bad sign.
@MaineLonghorn, I think, to a lot of people (and perhaps you) those of us who cherish birthday rituals may come across as gimme-gimme-whiney childish types. I don’t think that’s always true, and I’m going to make a case for lovely rituals in our lives, even when life is hard, or ESPECIALLY when life is hard. And to me, it’s not really about the material gifts.
I think birthdays can mean the opposite of entitlement…teaching one’s children (or enlightening spouses) to get excited about other people’s birthdays can encourage the habits of empathy, demonstrating appreciation and the importance of cherishing significant people. Including parents to be recipients teaches children that parents are people too, and to be honored.
Some people love rituals and others don’t, so if some families teach these qualities well, through spontaneous gestures of care and love sprinkled throughout everyday life, then that’s great and no birthdays needed! But a lot of people get busy and preoccupied with the everyday humdrum of life and the grind of problems and it gets very easy to forget to show direct appreciation or to notice the opportunities for seeing the loveliness of life. Having specific birthday dates on the calendar can be a way to make sure it happens. It’s very easy to take for granted the people who do so much of the weight of caring in a family. If someone in the family HAS done a lot of caring rituals for others (the person who DOES take the time to learn where the very best cakes come from or to notice the little things that others feel and need) I think it’s good character-building to expect others to reciprocate, to learn that noticing little things is an important aspect of love. I think some of the disappointment some people feel when there is little reciprocity is the letdown of having raised ego-centric people after having shown so much care themselves. If the children and spouses go out of their way to show appreciation in quieter, but significant ways then great! But celebrating of an individual’s existence is a fine thing, IMO . Maybe it’s almost as if people live in different emotional cultures in how they see this, though. No right or wrong view as long as there is compatability.
BTW, I am hitting “send” after having had a long phone call after I wrote it. If others have already answered in a way that makes this thread redundant, or if the thread has already moved on, my apologies
@inthegarden It’s just that posts aren’t about ritual, doing for Grandma, a neighbor, your sibling, even after a fight. Nor kindness to those in need. It’s been mostly about what “I” want or need.
I get it. DH was usually terrible at gifts for me. He genuinely didn’t get why an adult would “expect” a fuss. He was generous in other ways.
@HarvestMoon1 - Every year H makes a cake for me (him or my daughter) we always make cakes for birthdays as I also felt homemade cake is special, but this year I wanted a bakery cake from Publix as I wanted something different and really yummy!!. If anybody has had a Publix cake you would know what I mean So I told him I would like a cake from the bakery as it’s my 50th and he said ok. Not even kidding you an hour later he was at the grocery store and texted me what kind of frosting do I want as he is picking up the stuff to MAKE the cake! I was like are you playing a joke on me? He was dead serious that he did not hear me say I wanted the cake from the bakery! Should have known that we were off to a rocky start of my birthday
When the kids were younger they would say it was their birthday week so we kind of celebrated all week, it was just something we did. Nothing too crazy but they would pick what I should make for dinner or what they wanted to do the weekend before (if their birthday fell during the week). Either my daughter would want a birthday party and my son would pick a theme park because at that time we lived in Florida. But their birthdays were always treated special. Same for my H, his parents never made a big deal with birthdays so I always did. A nice cake, he picked his birthday dinner place to eat and of course presents. I am a good gift giver and I am not talking money wise as I always take into consideration what a person would like (example my dad loves to eat out, so I got him $10 gift cards to 10 different restaurants and you should see his face light up). All the Christmas presents under the tree this year and not 1 went back except for mine
So basically I just wanted to be treated and feel special. But I will give you all an update so far, after discussing with my H my disappointment in how I didn’t feel special he told the kids. My daughter came home after school with a beautiful figurine Willow Tree figures of a mom and daughter and she apologized. Boy did I cry and I explained to her that it was not about the gift but the thought behind it that made my heart melt that she realized she hurt me. My son, well of course still have not heard from him as he is at school even after my husband talked with him he still has not called. I am sure he will call when he needs money or something from me. As for my H, I gave a do-over and he informed me to pack my bags next weekend as were going away!!! Don’t know what the surprise is yet but whatever it is I am sure I will love it as I know he has been working on it the past day now!
I want to wish every single person on this thread a Happy and Healthy Birthday year, just in case it is not said to you! We all deserve a happy birthday as we should all be celebrated on our special day
Nurse00, what a wonderful post. So very happy for you as well as you H.
Not only are you going to feel good but he is going to feel great!
Now about that shopping trip…guessing maybe some nice lingerie could be interesting…
My birthday’s the day after Christmas. My parents were always good at making it separate from the holiday (I grew up Catholic and converted to Judaism as an adult), DH not so much. It’s either feast or famine with him – nothing for 50th though 54th, a Surface Pro last year, nothing for my birthday three weeks ago (he does make a cake since we are always in GA visiting family then). Over the years, he’s gotten me a new camera and a couple of sewing machines, so he’s not entirely clueless.
He is insanely hard to buy for. Picky in inconsistent ways. He gets really upset when the shoes he wears have been discontinued. (He will replace worn out shoes with exactly the same make/model.) When his backpack died, I had to find another of the same make and model. He doesn’t exercise or have many hobbies, so gifts tend to be travel-related because he’s on the road a lot for work. I’ve been trying to buy him a new set of pots and pans for four years – can’t find any he likes.
We have taken to having nice weekends away periodically, including our anniversary. That compensates for a lot of these “paying attention” issues for both of us.
My favorite birthday present was for my 32nd birthday – S1 had just turned two and S2 was 10 months old. He got me a train ticket to NYC for three days of hanging out at museums and seeing ADULT friends. It was a desperately needed piece of sanity!
@doschicos
Yes, H was a bad gift giver from the get-go. I received a very nice radar detector (that he had been admiring) for my first Valentine’s Day, which was within a month from our wedding day.
@sryrstress - too funny on your radar detector. That just brought back a memory. We had a jeep many years ago and the grill was starting to peel so I said to my H that I would like to get a new one…well don’t you know my new grill for the car was under the tree for Christmas my one and only present. I think my husband realized after I opened that he was in trouble
H and I were college students when dating, and H was on very thin budget. Sometimes his mom would give him some money so he could take me out. We lived on very thin budget for following years to get into first home, and then moved with jobs and gifts were really not thought of much. And our families expected us to ‘come home’ for vacation and holiday time - and that was an issue; we had very few real vacations as a couple. We never spent a lot eating out, but do enjoy low to mid priced restaurants. H and DD2 love IHOP pancakes for example, so when I suggest IHOP, usually H is on board to go. They also make very good pancakes at home.
H got some of his characteristics on complaining about even buying a card, and little gift giving abilities from his dad and the way he grew up. I told H I never would work as hard (or be the slave and the giver w/o receiving) as his mother had been. H did stop complaining about buying cards or making snide remarks about keeping Hallmark in business - he realized those comments were inappropriate.
Women here will totally get this. MIL always did a lot of baking for C-mas. One year when H and siblings were grade school age, the gift for MIL was something she wanted, the Sunbeam Mixmaster for C-mas gift, but instead of giving it to her early so she could more easily do the mixing for her baking, they laughed about her having to work harder that year before getting it. To me, very mean spirited.
Another example - MIL did the laundry for widowed FIL. She also worked FT as a teacher. ‘Wash day’ for her FIL was always on Monday. Would her H just tell his dad that the laundry would be done each week on the day MIL could most easily do it? No - she sucked it up. Total disregard for her IMHO. FIL almost really ignored that MIL had FT teaching job, was the main family breadwinner and benefits recipient, and doing the homemaking job was a 2nd FT job. She also had the parenting and homework chores, and the drive for her sons to all go to college. FIL was a horrible example as a H and father in being any kind of a leader or good example in the home. He was satisfied being a blue collar worker and not making much money. At least he wasn’t a drunk or a womanizer. Oh FIL took his sons hunting and fishing because he also enjoyed those recreational activities.
Having your birthday right before Christmas is a triple whammy. First, I seldom get a decent present and people often reduce my Christmas present accordingly. Next, people are so squirrelry by the time my day arrives that they just want to get it over and done with. Finally, the weather where I live can make it a struggle to venture out to the closest restaurant. My birthday party had to be cancelled a few times due to major blizzards.
Not to mention that it falls on one of the shortest days of the year. That means I wake up and go to work in the dark. Then I head back home after work in the dark too. Gosh how I envy those of you with summer birthdays.
I learned the hard way that if you want something special for a special occasion , then it is best to be forward about it. I am not married to a mind reader , and didn’t give birth to any. I am pretty easy to please actually.
I used to hope that my husband would just magically know what I wanted…mistake on my part. He tends to get me things he really wants for himself , which is not necessarily a bad thing.
