On my 21st BD I was totally alone in a place where I knew no one, as my then boyfriend was out of town. In my Scottish heritage, 21 is a big birthday for some reason. So I decided that it was up to me to celebrate, and I have maintained that attitude since, that I make my BD. If someone else does, it is lovely. But I have the ability to make my day special, and do so, whether solo or with friends.
However, there is a special pain in being involved with someone who can’t muster the wherewithall to show that you are valued. My ex used to shock me with how he would harass the kids if they ignored his birthday, which is at a busy time in August. Now I realize he was right, and the kids stepped up their game. Some of us are skilled at suffering in silence, but over time I’ve learned that a little noise in the direction of expectations keeps resentment down and the tension out of the surroundings.
mom2jl, I also have a Thanksgiving week birthday, though it is before the day, when the desire for dessert is still intact in most folks. It is too busy a time of year however, and I always go into the holidays overwhelmed with all our family birthdays in addition to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
to the OP. i know certain occasions may not live up to our expectations occasionally but I think you could take comfort that you are surrounded by your family that loves you. that is worth all the presents in the world.
DH and I watch shows on Roku so I have no idea when the show aired, but a season 12 Bones has the titular character celebrating her 40th birthday by planning her own surprise party, where she surprises her friends with special things for them, “because I hate being surprised but I love surprising people.” I think this is brilliant and plan to steal the idea and make it my own.
I totally “get” your your situation. My husband is a really terrific guy, but a horrid gift giver. In fact, when he proposed to me, he did it with a pair of $50 earrings (I should have realized then what I was in for in the gift-giving department!). He is very frugal and really doesn’t see the need for gifts. He rarely gets me a gift, but otherwise treats me like a queen. To those that say to just let your husband know what you want, trust me, I have, many times, but it doesn’t get through to him. I’ve learned to live with it, because other than the gift-giving thing, he is perfect to me.
The guy in the video below is probably the best gift-giving husband EVER.
Many years ago the floral industry was changing and a couple of companies were cutting out the middleman and delivering high quality stunning bouquets by mail. Our friends had the monthly service and after seeing a couple of bouquets first hand I was overwhelmed by the quality and beauty.
A milestone birthday was coming up and I handed my husband the catalog with a page clearly marked and said, “Honey, I normally don’t need/want gifts but this is a big birthday and this is what I want.” It was a beautiful bouquet of red roses and white lilies.
About a week before my birthday I said to him, “Do you know what I want for my birthday this year?”
“Oh yes,” he replied.
On my birthday I am glancing out the window now and then expecting to see the UPS truck. But as the day goes on I realize those flowers will not be coming.
Very late in the afternoon my husband leaves the house. BTW my birthday is on/near a major holiday. He comes home later with a bouquet of pink (!) roses with a short shelf life and some other flowers that had no business being paired with pink roses.
Since it was close to a holiday and they would be closed the next day I assume they were sold out of almost everything. I don’t know the actual conversation at the store but I chuckle when I think of my husband handing that picture to the clerk within thirty minutes of closing time.
He has always been a fantastic husband and father.
To those of you on this thread that just think you need to tell them what you want, I will tell you that sometimes a picture doesn’t even do it.
" All I want for my birthday is a coconut cake from X bakery" “I know this is hard for you so I
am making this really easy and that is all I want for my birthday”. Less than a week before and repeated several times.
D calls me to warn me that H forgot, she reminded him, and he went out midday to find one although
he had no clue what bakery I had said. I did get a sort of ? coconut cake that was
completely stale. He wondered why I was not happy and, of course, “you are so hard to buy for”!!!
If there is an understanding that H or W does not care about being celebrated then fine and good.
However, if an H or a W tells their partner what they feel and want and it does not happen then not
so good.
I think many here have good spouses and are aware of the love that they are surrounded by and feel that love.
That said, no, not ok to give your only intimate contact a pass. Everyone can learn and step up–
Actually, I have always believed that our spouse should help us be the best person we CAN be
and that is one of the purposes of marriage. Honoring your H or W, if that is what they want,
is showing respect and consideration.
Of the reasons my ex-fiancé is the ex is because of the gifts. I told him I dislike massages, so he got me one. I saw d I disliked red roses at V day, so he got me those. He also bought me turquoise necklace, when that is my sisters business and I have more than enough.
My son tries hard. He does best when he buys tech toys.
Bless his soul, but my dad tried. He’d take me to local flower store to pick out roses. He’d give me blank check to go to his former neighbor, who owned one of the best jewelry stores in the city, with goal of buying earrings one yer I bought her ivory rose earrings. When she died, she specifically left them to me. I always felt we were a team.
My sons dad would p lan a shopping day. That was great.
The year before I turned 50 my best friend turned 50, and she spent a lot of time complaining to me about what her husband did and did not do for that event. I was telling my husband about it, so he asked me what I would want for MY 50th. I told him my ideal birthday celebration, adding that I knew it wasn’t really feasible, but it was my fantasy nonetheless. Wouldn’t you know it, he made it happen for me when the time came! (The only downside was that, years later when he turned 50, I really had to think of something great because he had set the bar pretty high.) Honestly, I think that I had scared him by telling him the horror stories from the other marriage, because the husband was failing so badly at doing what my friend wanted and she was so unhappy, that my husband made sure he was not going to be in that position when my birthday came! Anyhow, usually I find that works best, just telling him what I’d like.
@Mom2jl - I am sorry you did not recognized by your family! It is the worst feeling when your loved ones don’t celebrate you. I can certainly symphonize with you since my birthday is right after the holidays. When I was younger my mom would combine my Christmas and birthday present together. Always made me feel bad but got used to it. I always felt birthdays should be acknowledged and the person should be celebrated. As a nurse I am saying life is too short!- We need to celebrate us!
True story. Since my H always make my cake he asked what kind of frosting do I want. I told him I would like a cake from the bakery as its my 50th and he said ok. Not even kidding you an hour later he was at the grocery store and texted me what kind of frosting do I want as he is picking up the stuff to make the cake! I was like are you playing a joke on me? He was dead serious that he did not hear me say I wanted the cake from the bakery! Should have known that we were off to a rocky start of my birthday
@raclut - That birthday week agenda sounds great! Starting tomorrow I taking myself shopping! Hope I find nice stuff for myself
Once my mother passed away, no one really gets me real gifts - SIL might if we were ever together on a gift giving occasion but she doesn’t target me well anyway. DH does always get me flowers for birthdays but sometimes they have been from Whole Foods.
My 50th fell days after 9/11 so naturally no one was in a celebratory mood; I actually had made plans to have lunch with my mother on 9/11 and she hadn’t seen the news when I called. DS told DH he should get me something so he got a silver bracelet which isn’t too bad except the latch is too tricky to do by myself. So I have to ask him to help; he can’t do it without his glasses which are always in another room - so I seldom bother wearing it.
For my 60th, I was depressed because my hopes of relocating were not happening. I refused to spend my birthday in Illinois so I took myself off to California to visit DS who was there at the time. I made him take me out to dinner.
My worst birthdays are the ones where I hit Yom Kippur. Rosh Hashona isn’t as bad…
Nurse 001, I’m so sorry the Christmas/birthday thing didn’t work out well for you growing up! Probably compounds the feeling now if you feel ignored. My 14 y.o. daughter’s birthday is New Year’s Day so I have always had to think about this. But I Iove it, because anything from Amazon that doesn’t arrive in time for Christmas goes into the birthday pile Seriously, she does get plenty of presents for both! She always gets a sleepover party on New year’s Eve…birthday cake and presents at midnight, and her friend’s parents get the night off to celebrate. A Win-win all around…though it’s slim pickings for the rest of the year for her until the holidays come around again. Well, except for Valentine’s Day…and Easter Bunny…and Halloween…OK, not so bad after all…
@Nurse001 - wait, your H actually baked your birthday cake? That’s a piece of the story left out of your OP. I think that’s kind of adorable – be tough for me to be upset if he actually baked a cake himself. Of course now my H cannot boil a pot of water so for me that would be a huge deal!
My birthday is next week. I hate my birthday. I lost my grandpa on my 3rd and my great grandma on my 12th. I was broken up with twice the day after my birthday (different birthdays, same guy, stupid decisions.) Next week, I will be in the hospital having a treatment done on my birthday. Double bonus because every time they hang up a new medicine bag, they have to ask me my full name and DOB. This happens at least half a dozen times at each treatment.
The kindest thing Mr R does for my birthday is to try and keep me as distracted as possible. I’m grateful for it. I choose to just ignore it since it’s squashed between Christmas and our anniversary. I much prefer to celebrate those.
My dad is basically not allowed to buy my mom gifts. He bought her a pink fluffy robe one year (she despises pink and the robe was way too small) and that was the last time he was allowed to shop for her. She tells me what she wants, I buy them, and put dad’s name on it. He thinks I’m psychic. Between my dad’s memory issues from a bad car accident and my brain fog, dropping hints does not work in my family. We have to be explicit and remind people often. On the rare occasion that Mr R or I want something for our birthdays, we tell each other.
Mr R & our best friend/roommate’s birthdays are two days apart so I treat them to dinner either the weekend before or after.
Maybe it comes from being the youngest child in a large family, but I never received much in the way of gifts, and do not have expectations of them/feel sad about not getting them. If I wanted a certain cake from somewhere, I would just buy it. I have sometimes made my favorite cake for my birthday, but now that it is just H & I, it is too much cake to have around, so I make it for family gatherings. I’m happy for recognition of the day from my kids by card or text. I don’t feel someone getting me a gift as that important, or that I need to make them, ‘step up’.
Years ago my husband spirited away the old Sears Kenmore sewing machine that constantly messed up and replaced it with a brand new Bernina. He’s off the hook for presents ever since. Last birthday I told him where I wanted to have dinner and who I wanted to go with and he caused it to happen. And when the wait staff sang Happy Birthday I sang with them.
Happy belated birthday! Don’t feel too badly. As a woman over the age of fifty, I have to say that on my 50th, I most decidedly didn’t want a party or a big fuss, and many freinds had zero celebration. Is it possible that hubby was trying to downplay it because he thought you might prefer that?
Anyway, in my house I am the bad gift giver. Ninety percent of gifts that I buy hubby get returned. He never likes them and I can’t spend his money to buy him the expensive things he would really like, because he would go nuts if I did.
I have a friend whose husband is the pits at birthdays. She gave up. She goes out and buys herself an amazing cake and asks her kids to light the candles and sing. It seems to work and she always has a cake she likes.
For my 50th, I took the day off from work, locked myself in my room and SLEPT. My kids were between 10 and 18 then and I just wanted a break. I didn’t want a party, a cake or any presents.
I am not a present or a party person. At this point in my life, I am trying to downsize so if my family would throw something out for my birthday, rather than bring something in, I would appreciate it more than a gift.
I have people in my life who give awesome gifts and people who hardly remember my birthday but I know who would be by my side if I ended up in a hospital or whose couch I can land on if I go broke. Some people just like to give grand gifts and celebrate things, it’s really about them not you. Others have no clue about what to buy and how to throw a party. Some are just great all around but those are rare.
Seriously, she does get plenty of presents for both! She always gets a sleepover party on New year’s Eve…birthday cake and presents at midnight, and her friend’s parents get the night off to celebrate. A Win-win all around…though it’s slim pickings for the rest of the year for her until the holidays come around again. Well, except for Valentine’s Day…and Easter Bunny…and Halloween…OK, not so bad after all…