@inthegarden your post resonated with me – it really is simply feeling that someone cared enough to expend the effort. But I think you were the poster who told the story about how your H actually hand crafted your D’s bedroom door before you brought her home – so you know he has that in him!
I make it pretty easy for my H and children since flowers do the trick for me every time – I never tire of them. We don’t do expensive gifts for birthdays but we do always have a cake for the person we are celebrating.
The one thing I will not do is cook on my birthday. When the children were younger and we had sports schedules, homework and other commitments it just meant that H would get take-out from somewhere that evening. Now they are teenagers so whoever is home will go out with me for dinner, but usually just to one of my favorite local restaurants – it’s not a dress up affair if my birthday falls on a weekday.
Birthdays mean different things to different people. Personally I have no need for gifts although I enjoy having my family and friends wish me a happy day. I would hate having a surprise party.
This came up at work yesterday. A man in my department is having a “special” birthday in a few days (he is turning 60) and our department is planning a surprise lunch for him. He will enjoy this. However, I am also turning 60 soon (in May) and I really, really don’t want anyone to even know that. My colleagues know what day my birthday is, but only a few know my age. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come out!
@doschicos Good morning. I didn’t tell him in person because he was sleeping as he gets up early and I would’t see him before he left for work. I knew he was upset because I was upset, so I thought if I left the note when he woke up he will feel better today knowing he can do the do over. I did tell him in the note I do not want a present I want him to plan a special day/weekend. Hopefully he will plan it and we can make my 50th birthday memorable.
I am also going to take the advice and book my message for next week and maybe even take myself out to lunch
You are absolutely justified to feel disappointed. Birthday is an opportunity to show the person love and attention, and it does not sound like your family gave it much thought the first time. I really hope that a redo will make you happy.
In my husband’s family birthdays are no big deal, but I made it clear from the start it is a big deal in our family. I remember birthdays for DH family, he does not. At the same time I do not care for material things or restaurants. For my 50th my teenage sons and one of their GF gave me something that brought me to tears. They made a photo-montage of family photos through the years and also a photo book. My DS’s girlfriend loves photography, and has been taking artsy pictures of flowers and vegetables around my garden and put them into a photobook. When I feel down, I look at it. A gift like this will never be forgotten and will not cost more than massage. My husband made a fantastic family dinner.
A special weekend trip sounds like fun, go for it. If your husband is like mine and never booked travel before, he may need to be given some limited responsibility like “Find tickets to a show” while you take care of all everything else. But in the end it will still be your birthday present
@LoveMyPuppies . Thanks! You sound like me. I love memorable gifts and in fact I got a big picture frame from my daughter for Christmas. She went through all the photos (and there are many) and she picked out one of us when she was younger and a current one and did that for my son, husband and my dad. The people that I love most. It has a special place on the wall right now.
I am going to talk with my daughter in secret to see if she could guide my H just in case. He knows my feelings now so I am hoping he gets it. I really do not care what he plans as long as he put his heart into it. So next weekend is the do over. I will be sure to give an update
It’s not really the gifts, it’s the relationship. Like some, I wanted to be treasured, doted on, on special occasions. But I looked around and saw that some of the women I (thought I) envied had lousy or declining relationships the other 363 days of the year (ex Christmas and bday.)
Sorry for this downer, but I work with widows (and some widowers) in a couple of bereavement groups. I promise you, they don’t talk about gifts or surprise parties. The memories they cling to are much more ordinary.
I get the wanting. But sometimes it helps to step back. Make it clear, if it’s important to you that you get X (and it’s affordable.) Or treat yourself to the special something. But keep the perspective.
Why, thank you @HarvestMoon1! So thoughtful to show that to me…so beautiful! I may have to tack on a trip to Paris…and then head over to Monet’s Garden too, lol. That’s the trouble with travel (and gardening), you just don’t know where to stop. (I guess, when the money runs out!)
@Nurse001, sounds like a plan! I hope you let us know how it goes…
@inthegarden Maybe we need to coordinate our trips as I love rose gardens and like to visit local botanical gardens.
My favorite thing to receive is flowers. If I don’t get them I make it a point on my birthday to buy the prettiest bouquet for myself and admire them in a beautiful vase all week long. I love gardening.
Maybe so,@ratclut! I really love landscape design…both historical, and all the innovative things being done with native plants (fell in love with a prairie garden in the middle of Chicago while traveling through a couple of years ago.) I guess, if I had a favorite it would have to be the semi-formal English country garden…just enough clipped yew or boxwood and a gothic arch for some structure, but a good bit of wild abandon too…30-foot rose canes clambering over ruined stone walls…(the book The Secret Garden made quite an impression on me in my formative years…)
I’d like to chime in with much empathy for the OP and all others who have been disappointed by their families regarding birthdays. My birthday either falls on or near Thanksgiving and for my whole life has been largely uncelebrated, even as a child. I remember maybe only one birthday party from my childhood. I rarely get a birthday cake especially if my birthday is on or after Thanksgiving, since there are too many pies around and noone wants more desserts. My husband is terrible at planning anything special, so for my 50th birthday (which fell on Thanksgiving), I planned a short family getaway to Death Valley where we stayed in a lovely hotel and had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner. The worst birthday I ever had was the year my son was born. He was three months old and my in-laws came for Thanksgiving. I had to cook Thanksgiving dinner by myself, when I was completely sleep-deprived and then was deserted by my husband and his family the day after Thanksgiving (my birthday) while they went off and had fun and I was left at home to take care of the baby. We had leftovers that night for my birthday and no cake. I’ve never let DH forget about that year. However, has he really taken it to heart? Not really. For example, this past November, I got no cake, no cards and no gifts, except from my sister who mailed me some books. Usually, I at least get a card or two from someone in my family (my mother didn’t even send a card this year). My son left that day to go back to school and I think he felt bad because he sent me an e-card when he got home. I have to say, I felt really unloved and unappreciated, not just by my husband, but by the rest of my family as well.
Sorry for all those who felt unappreciated. I hope you can figure out how to get what you want by working with your loved ones of making no plans that suit YOU!
By the way, Huntington Gardens has lovely grounds and gardens as well and are in Los Angeles. They also have a very nice tea.
Oh, that’s rough, @Mom2jl, especially with all the sudden cold and darkness of November settling in…a hard time to cheer yourself up. (My birthday is in mid-May… countless times my favorite rose has put out its first bloom on my birthday, which can make up for a lot of human neglect!) November can be such a cozy time, but often it’s the human warmth that makes it so. Plus, just so much work to put together Thanksgiving dinner, with Christmas to come.
Your Death Valley trip sounds ideal. Is there any kind of rustic lodge closer to home (for all I know you may be 30 minutes from Death Valley, though, lol) that you could make a family tradition for Thanksgiving/your birthday from now on? Or you could announce that you will start celebrating you half birthday every year in May
If you want people to break a previously established pattern, you have to tell them. If gifts have not been a big deal in prior years, your family would not have any reason to think this year was any different. Not everyone equates milestone birthday with milestone gift, especially in families where gift giving isn’t the usual love language.
@Mom2jl Time to start celebrating your half birthday and spoiling yourself. May is a great time of year for celebrating as @inthegarden can attest. And yes, tell your family how you feel!
To die for, @doschicos! I don’t think I got to see this particular garden, but visited the city of Vancouver 30 years ago. At the time I thought it must be the most beautiful city in North America. Snowing at the time in Calgary, but flowers everywhere in Vancouver.
My sister’s birthday is also around Thanksgiving. This year I reminded myself to call her on her birthday. Of course I forgot, but I did call her on her birthday to chat about something. While I was on the phone with her, I got a text from her daughter to remind me to wish her mother happy birthday (she was with here mom when I called). Now, that’s a great daughter and niece. It was a nice save.
