<p>I just transferred colleges last year from a local college to a liberal arts college this past fall. I live in a small dorm building, which is labeled substance free, which I completely adhere to. A freshman girl in this dorm ended up really liking me within the first few weeks there. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend from back home, partially because of me and partially because of the long distance. To make a long story short, we ended up cuddling and kissing several times over a couple month span. </p>
<p>Problem is, I never liked her nearly as much as she liked me. She even said this to me at one point and I couldn’t refute it. We never actually were officially in a relationship. At one point, however, tired of my own indecision, I convinced myself to just go with, see how it would be if I tried to let myself like her as much as she did me, but all that seems so false now looking back on it. </p>
<p>She and her roommate were good friends with my quad mates, and vice-verse, so we saw each other all the time. Throughout all this I knew that I didn’t like her as much as I’ve liked a couple girls in the past, so why didn’t I just break it off? I mean, we even agreed to be just really good friends, but the physical relationship kept going. As my first semester living away at college, and at one point thinking that maybe I made the wrong decision to transfer, it was just comforting to have someone to talk to and to have some physical contact with.</p>
<p>She is the first and only girl I have ever kissed. I’m 20. </p>
<p>Eventually I got control of my feelings and I think she grew tired of my indecision as to whether I liked her or not, so the relationship just naturally ended, and she is even talking to another guy. We left for break still as friends. I feel absolutely no jealousy and felt that the end to the relationship was the best possible way it could have happened. </p>
<p>So the couple weeks after, as I headed into winter break, I more or less thought that while I would have done things differently had I gone back, it’s whatever. No hard feelings over it. </p>
<p>But then a couple weeks later, I woke up one morning and randomly just started replaying the events in my head, and got really angry at myself for letting any of it happen. I am not religious and don’t believe in sin, and I in no way feel guilty towards her or anybody else. But I feel like I can’t forgive myself. When I think about all the times I just could have said no and could have stopped myself from kissing her, I feel sick about it all. </p>
<p>In the end I just tell myself that we didn’t do anything more than an average high school sophomore does. And all around me plenty of college guys and girls and making out and having random hookups every other weekend.</p>
<p>But now I’m literally depressed, like I’ve done something terrible, betrayed myself. I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I gave into physical temptation, even if it went nothing further than a kiss. It’s like I was untrue to myself.</p>