<p>My daughter has been diagnosed with depression in the last couple of weeks. This is her sophomore year, but her first year at her current school. She had attended a LAC her freshman year but found the school way to small. She had a great first year socially and academically; she really just wanted a bigger school. At the beginning of this school year we thought her complaints were due to her wanting everything to be like her old school. She wanted her old friends and wanted to have a group of “best” friends right away. Then I thought she just wasn’t busy enough, so she got involved with a few different groups and rushed a sorority. Things looked better although she still complained about the lack of friends even when I knew she had several.</p>
<p>Long story short, she is now seeing a therapist and may end up on some meds; she has an evaluation scheduled next week. While my daughter would love to come home while receiving treatment, she also wants to stay in school. She feels like she can finish the semester, but she can’t promise her grades will be what she would like. She is still attending classes and doing her work, just not with the same focus as in the past. She is attending sorority functions and her community service activities. Exercises, eating well and sleeping well are the areas she is having trouble in, and sometimes she doesn’t want to attend some functions. She knows keeping busy is the best thing for her and she is really trying.</p>
<p>We are trying to take one week at a time. I think she is thinking if she finishes the semester then she take the next semester off. I am thinking with treatment, maybe she will feel like going back second semester; but if she can’t, we will look into a medical leave. As a mother it breaks my heart to have her away from home while in therapy. If I really thought it would help, I would have her come home, but I don’t think sitting at home with mom and dad not in school is going to be any better for her. Yes, I could be move active in her therapy, but I think I am doing that now by phone with both her and the therapist. I told the therapist that I would be there whenever she felt I needed to attend a session or attend to my daughter. If I need to go visit every week, I will.</p>
<p>Am I wrong to think that staying at school this semester would be the best? The therapist at this time thinks my daughter can handle it; of course that could change at any moment.</p>
<p>Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest. I have told a couple of friends, but I think I have drained them with my daily worries!</p>
<p>“Am I wrong to think that staying at school this semester would be the best? The therapist at this time thinks my daughter can handle it; of course that could change at any moment.”</p>
<p>No, I do not think you are wrong. It sounds like she’s taking the right steps to deal with her depression; seeing a therapist and considering medication. I’d take my cues from her. If she starts feeling better she may not want to take the next semester off. I wouldn’t worry about this until it happens.</p>
<p>It’s so hard when our kids are going through tough times.</p>
<p>I agree with PrimetimeMom. Take your cues from your D. and her therapist. It’s great that you are in contact with them both. Have you visited yet? Perhaps you would feel better if you went ahead and scheduled a session with the therapist either with or without your daughter–whatever they think best. </p>
<p>Nothing is harder than your child going through a rough period— all you want to do is fix it for them or take the burden yourself. I’m so glad your daughter shared her concerns with you and with a therapist, she has taken the hard first steps.</p>
<p>The meds may take care of the problem for her. I would stay in school unless the health risk is very high. Nothing is more depressing than feeling you have failed and just sitting on the couch.</p>
<p>cyber hugs, snow. Your heartbreak pours out of your post.</p>
<p>Take your cues from your D and from the therapist–although I would ask the health manager to forward the CV of the therapist so that you could review the qualifications. Hopefully, it is a therapist with a few years of treating students under his/her belt–and not a grad student.</p>
<p>Also, presumably the school will use a local psychiatrist to evaluate your D for the meds. Therapists cannot prescribe meds. I’d ask who they will be using and maybe have a word with that doctor too.</p>
<p>Is there a history of depression or mental illness in the family? Does your daughter know about the family history (as she will be asked ahead of a prescription)?</p>
<p>This is either a case of learning to be careful what you wish for (happy at one school but transfers anyway) or the onset of more precarious mental health. It is your job to be vigilant about the latter.</p>
<p>One thing to be aware of is the school calendar and the date cutoff for withdrawing. At most schools you can withdraw before that date, but after the date you will be stuck with whatever grades are earned. It’s sort of a point of no return. If she is able to keep up with her schoolwork, then fine, but if she starts to fall behind just be aware of that date. It’s better to have the slate wiped clean thru withdrawals then 5 Fs on the transcript.</p>
<p>NJres- it is our understanding that if necessary, my daughter can withdraw due to medical reasons and basically have the semester wiped clean (at anytime) as if she never attended. This is not the route we want to take, but I did want to find out how it worked if it came down to withdrawing or taking a medical leave. It gives my daughter comfort to know she will not have wasted a semester if she has to leave. She is currently able to go to classes and get her work done, but she had a really bad week this week and might have blown a midterm. Nothing like being in crisis mode with a virus of vomiting and 101 fever! She missed a quiz that she will be able to drop; she now cant drop any of the other quizzes-you are allowed to drop one for the semester, so since she didnt take this one, that is the one that gets dropped. While she was sick she also missed her pledge party that she was so looking forward to attending.</p>
<p>Cheers-My daughter school has a nice counseling service with a therapist on phone call each day for parents or students in crisis. I called on 3 different days and spoke to 3 different therapists. When my daughter wasnt able to get an appointment for 2 weeks, I call to get the names of those in the private sector. The on call therapist asks me several questions concerning my daughter to find which therapist would be the best for her. I call four of them on a Friday afternoon, and 3 returned my call that day and one called back on Monday. Before talking to each of them, I googled them and found out a bit about each. When they called I was able to ask many questions and talked to each at length. I ended up going with the first one I spoke to as she was pleasant, a mother of 2 college students, have worked at the university before opened her own private practice, and she had an opening on Monday!! Each of the other therapists was happy to answer my questions even knowing I already had an appointment with another psychologist. I wanted to know more about each and their practice in case my daughter didnt click with the first one.</p>
<p>The university has several psychiatrists available for medical evaluations. If my daughter could not get an appointment in a timely fashion, her therapist had put in a call to a psychiatrist in private practice that she has worked with. As it turns out, my daughter was able to get an appointment on Tuesday on campus. She did not want to go on Monday as she has 2 midterms on Tuesday and knew she wouldnt feel like studying on Monday after that session. It is my understanding that my daughter will continue with her psychologist for talk therapy and only use the campus psychiatrist for medication management. As her psychologist will see her weekly, I am hoping we will be kept updated on how the medication is working.</p>
<p>As far as family history, my daughter has asked us about that as she knows my husbands mother had some problems. While I didnt give her too many details, she knows enough. My daughter has an active imagination, so if someone tells her this is hereditary, she will figure she cant get well. If the therapist convinces her this is a short term issue, my daughter will work harder to make herself better. We are being honest with her; just a few details are missing.</p>
<p>My daughter suffered from depression in high school. For her, the combination of medication and therapy made all the difference. Once she started taking something, we noticed a difference within weeks. Be sure once she starts the meds that she really is really disciplined about taking it. When D missed a day or two, her mood changed noticeably.</p>
<p>It really helped her to stay busy. For my D, being home by herself while all her old friends were away at school would have only made the depression worse.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your entire family. I know from personal experience that things can improve.</p>
<p>Cybersupport to you, snowball. Like PrimetimeMom said, nothing is harder than watching our kids struggle. Better that it would be us.</p>
<p>I’m sure there is no “right” answer, but I think you and your D are doing the right thing. One day at a time. With therapy and meds, there is such a good chance that she will improve. Who can know how she will feel at the end of the term? Not us, not you, not her. But chances are it will be better than you can imagine right now.</p>
<p>My husband needed someone to talk to, so he told his sister this morning what was going on. Our close relatives knew she was having a slow time adjusting to the new school, but everyone knew it would only be a matter of days until we were getting the excited phone call about what she and her friends were doing. When the phone calls didn’t arrive, we didn’t tell the family, so everyone just assumed all was fine. I love my sister-in-law, but this morning she just irritated me. First she want to know what I thought cause her to be depressed. Then she wanted to know if she would get better. I most likely was a bit snippy when I told her I didn’t have a crystal ball, but my hope was that she would improve over time. I know my SIL meant well and was concerned, but I found her questions stupid. Can you tell I have no tolerance these days? Are moms every allowed to take time off from being a parent? I was really beginning to enjoy being an empty nester!</p>
<p>Well, my husband and I destressed tonight by going to a burger joint and eating all sorts of fried foods we normally don’t eat very often. Then my husband stopped for ice cream on the way home. God that felt good!!!</p>
<p>Sorry for that, snowball. Well, not for the burger joint and ice cream part - that sounds just right :).</p>
<p>You know, a lot of people just have no understanding or experience with depression (you can tell, otoh, that a lot of people on this board do, though), so they just don’t know what to say or not say, ask or not ask. Don’t be too hard on your SIL. But , most important, don’t be hard on yourself. You are allowed to have no tolerance at the moment! You are allowed to take time off, but we all know that’s impossible. So, you are allowed to have the ice cream! get snippy! and come here to blow off steam!</p>
<p>My brother has been seriously ill with bi-polar illness for more than 20 years. People say all kinds of hurtful things but family should know better, shouldn’t they? Keep in mind however, that a huge part of mental illness is the inability to read social cues.</p>
<p>More cyber hugs. (Can we get a delivery from Sinner’s Alley for some cyber-fattening food, please!)</p>
<p>Snowball: I can really sympathize with you as I went through a very similar situation with my D last fall. Watch out for the current illness your D has possibly making things worse. My D had a bad bout with strep throat that reoccurred (with two rounds of antibiotics) and that set off a downward spiral for her. Also had three lab sciences and a nasty breakup with a horrid boyfriend. What a semester! </p>
<p>It’s great that your D is in counseling, and you were wise to go ahead with the immediate appt. with private therapist and consulation with psychiatrist for meds. Counseling and meds helped my D (along with multiple daily phone calls to me) but we didn’t know if she would make it through the semester. I do think it is best to stay in school if possible but it is very stressful through tests and the last week of class and then exam week. My D did make it through and got good grades. She rested up all Christmas vacation and we did not allow her to work over vacation as she had in the past. She is doing great a year later and handling three lab sciences this year.</p>
<p>Depression in the college years is very common, though there isn’t too much discussion of it on CC. I just wanted you to know that I was in your shoes last fall and now things are so much better a year later.</p>
<p>Snowball…sending cyber support. It is hard to see our kids in any kind of muddle especially when her new circle of friends is not developed as yet and she is in a demanding chapter of her life. I really like your proactive work and making sure she got to see a medical doc and a talk therapist with no delay. Depressive spells resolve much faster with the combination. She sounds like an articulate person who may be able to use therapy very well for herself. I also like that she can talk to her parents in such a sensible way about realizing she is confused and needs to talk to a professional about her well being. Says a lot about her family.<br>
Ask if she might consider to sign a release of info if you want the therapist to be able to answer your questions re her stability and resilience within reason, and ask her more about what kind of support she needs from you as each week passes. We all need bridges in life at times. Let her know what kind of information you and your husband need to feel comfortable, too. You may not need a blow by blow of what is discussed but you will want to have a general idea about how things are faring with her, so ask for what you need too, and directly ask her to promise to contact you right away if she has any sinking spells! There is always the chance you can ask to be invited in for a session when you are in her college town. Encourage her to allow her talks with her therapist to develop over time…therapy is not magic but after a handful of hours things tend to focus and get more clear even if the first session or two feel a bit all over the place. The therapist has to ask a lot of questions at first but if she is active in this process, she can guide it and use her hours well. I was a licensed counselor but have been home for over a decade.
and cheers… I imagine you and your family have been through so much with your brother…bipolar is indeed a very destructive and misunderstood illness…so some thoughts going your way too</p>
<p>That’s such a nice comment. I heard Katherine Paterson (author of A Bridge to Terabithia and many other highly regarded children’s books) speak once. She said that she tried to find a bridge to help her son who was devastated by his young friend’s death. The one day she realized that SHE was the bridge. I have oftened remembered this when helping my D.</p>
<p>I just wanted to offer a student’s perspective, even though, once again, CC parents have already been super helpful!</p>
<p>I was in the same situation as your D’s last spring, although I’ve been diagnossed with depression for a few years now. When I went to college, I got the added affect of intense amounts of anxiety, and by spring semester, I was a wreak. My parents and I have had a rocky relationship around my mental illness, and I hid most of it from them, but I started getting suicidal near the middle of the semester, and started to talk to them about coming home. </p>
<p>To make a complicated story short, I stayed, finished the semester with a 3.4 (At a top LAC with one senior level course! i was pretty impressed!), and was happy I did so. I also made it clear to my parents that what I did next fall was up in the air. This sort of gave me a “light at the end of the tunnel” and I think helped me to pull through. </p>
<p>To me, your D sounds like a HIGHLY functional person with depression. It may take her a while to find a good med, but when the right one is found, its a godsend! It’s taken me 5 years, but I am finally feeling like I am in a good place again. </p>
<p>One thing I might caution you about: If this turns into a long term thing, your being so hyper involved might start to drive a wedge between your daughter and your’s relationship.
My parents were very involved at the beginning of my therapy, but the mind is a complicated thing, and they couldn’t even begin to understand what I was going through. Their “help” really started to hurt and bother me. It underminded my recovery process and invaded my space. Now, it is very clear in my family that depression is MY issue and I am in charge of getting better. I am the one who chooses to share how therapy/meds are going.</p>
<p>Anyway, I am glad things are seemingly going well, despite the unfortunate diagnosis. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Be mindful that it may take several prescription changes to get the right medication for her. If she doesn’t feel right on the first one, keep trying.</p>
<p>I’ve had depression since childhood. As a college student, I felt worse during the breaks when I didn’t have that much going on. </p>
<p>It would have been hard for me to go back to school had I taken some time off. The threapist would have far better insight into this issue than I would, of course.</p>
<p>I want to thank everyone for their warm wishes and hugs, they are much appreciated. I spoke to my daughter this morning on her way back from visiting a high school friend at a neighboring college. She attended a party and spent the night at her friend’s dorm. Of course she said she just had an ok time, but I am hoping she had a better time than she has let on to. I told her that we were proud of her for getting out, and she replied that she wasn’t going willingly. I am sure that comment was to tug at my heart, but I told her again that we were proud of her and this would all take time.</p>
<p>I want to talk to my daughter when she calls, but I only get the sad calls. I do try to keep the conversations upbeat and try to avoid asking too many questions. We just spoke again a few minutes ago, she called to ask a questions. My son called while I was speaking to my daughter, so I told her I needed to go; don’t think she was too happy.</p>