<p>JimmyJones, who states on CC that “Fat Girls are good to practice on” offers more profundities.</p>
<p>Hi Snowball: I’ve been thinking of you and your D. You said you only get the sad calls, and I think that is very common. One of the counselors I spoke with at my D’s college told me that. She said she learned that from her own sister, not in her counselling training.</p>
<p>I often felt like my D had all these negative, scary feelings that she needed to talk through extensively, far more than she could cover in one hour per week with her therapist. I was the safe place for all those words to go. It was really hard for about a month–she called me many times a day. I just kept listening and trying to be reasonable and comforting and supportive. She did not talk to any of her friends about her issues, only the counselor and me. It really takes a toll on you to be so supportive to someone else and to be worrying all the time about that person, so try to take care of yourself in here as well (sleep, vitamins, healthy food).</p>
<p>Ok, this last phone call was a doozie! My daughter was thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to study abroad next semester! A friend on her floor did that last year when she was having trouble and said it really cleared her head. I am not sure my daughter really understands the mixed emotions she is having, but we explained that going to a new country before she was “well” might not be the best idea. Sometimes I do wonder if the school she is at just isn’t the right place, but other times I think if she wasn’t in a funk she would be happy there. I think she wants to blame the school for her illness as it is an easy scapegoat.</p>
<p>Just had to share the lastest call; I never know what I will hear on the other end of the line when I see her number on caller ID. I must say she sounded a bit perkier with this call. While I am happy that she is talking to a few friends about her feelings, she ends up thinking whatever they say is the right answer-one friend said that she was not helped by medication (this was after a sever illness in her family in high school,) another has a friend that is having trouble with her medication (don’t know what kind of follow-up this student has with a doctor,) and the girl that went abroad and all is well (this student ended up transferring after the semester abroad.) We have discussed how each person is different and we will have to do whatever is best for her not people around her.</p>
<p>I sure know how you feel about those phone calls. My son had set my cell phone with a special ring for his incoming calls. When he was going through his 5 times/day phone calls last year, that tune going off just put my stomach in a knot! It was so nice when it was really just a quick question.</p>
<p>As far as the semester abroad, go with your gut. My son talked about it some too–I think he looked at it as an escape from at least the location where he was feeling so miserable. When it came down to deadline time to deposit and reserve a space, he decided he didn’t really want to do it (much to my relief).</p>
<p>Yes, this is just how I felt about the phone calls. Some days I would have a phone call every couple of hours. Sometimes she would be sobbing and incoherent. Sometimes I had to talk to her for two hours straight to calm her. It was awful.</p>
<p>Maybe the semester abroad would give her something great to look forward to? My D went to Europe on spring break of that difficult year and met a German friend and traveled with him. That worked well for her, and as I look back on it, was an uplifting experience for her.</p>
<p>If your D does go on meds for depression and continues with her therapy, she will likely be in a very different place by Jan. (Maybe in a very different place–studying abroad!)</p>
<p>ummm … you mentioned something about your daughter not eating (and sleeping, exercising) well. That’s common with depression of course. But is there any remote chance she’s REALLY not eating well? That happened to my daughter when she was depressed. She lost far too much weight and, when the health office finally noticed how thin she’d become, she was sent home. She has recovered nicely with meds (refused talk therapy) and time.</p>
<p>celloguy-If you were thinking eating disorder, that isn’t an issue. The issue with her eating less is due to food allergies, horrible food on campus, and stomach issues due to the stress. She ate well when home and when she goes out to dinner with friends. I have told her that if she wants to have dinner out more often we would be happy to pay. She feels guilty that she has the small meal plan on campus, plus now a meal plan at the sorority house. The problem with meals at the house is she can’t go to many of them due to her class schedule. </p>
<p>On the other hand, I am keeping an eye on her weight as she did gain the freshman 15+ last year and was trying to lose it this summer through Weight Watchers. The joke in our family is that we all love food too much to become anorexic!! As far as exercise, she hasn’t been doing that at all, and use to. We are trying to get her to at least attend an exercise class once or twice a week as that was something she use to enjoy. She knows she feels better when she exercises, but right now doesn’t want to go alone and hasn’t found a buddy to go with.</p>
<p>snowball – that’s good news. I’m glad your daughter is doing what she can to take care of herself. Actually, for the record, when my daughter’s weight dropped so precipitously, “eating disorder” is what jumped to my mind too. I took her to a couple of specialists, but they agreed she was just homesick and unhappy. She met with a nutritionist several times, and it did take some time and special foods before her stomach could handle normal food again (she was seriously in starvation mode and her system had shut down). She had simply stopped eating because she wasn’t hungry and was too unhappy to “act normal” in the dining commons. She’s a typical thin vegan, but on meds she is able to eat enough to keep her going. What’s great is that, as a very private person, she still feels comfortable sharing with me, so I’m okay with her being far away at college. If she were in trouble, I’m confident she wouldn’t hide it.</p>
<p>Snowball, how is D doing now?</p>
<p>Hi Snowball. Two more thoughts for you. We sent lots of care packages with food to my D during her stressful semester. We even sent a dozen of her favorite bagels by overnight delivery. I also sent extra money so she could eat out or buy whatever food she wanted. </p>
<p>In the spring semester following the difficult time, she asked if she could have a personal trainer at the college health center. You could buy 10 sessions with a student trainer. This worked out really well, as the trainer was a very peppy, upbeat girl. This girl worked out with her and swam with her too. I thought it was money very well spent.</p>
<p>I hate to say this outloud, but my daughter has had a good few days. No crying phone calls, and I actual heard her laugh when she called me about something her suitemate did. I know we still haven’t turned the corner, but I will take whatever I can get.</p>
<p>Medications was started yesterday, but we won’t really know much for several weeks. Her session with her therapist when well today, although I am hoping my daughter doesn’t end up doing what they spoke about. The therapist, after listening to my daughter seems to think that she isn’t unhappy with her current school. What she thinks is the issue is that my daughter would prefer to be working full or part time and taking classes in maybe in the evening. She doesn’t want ot drop out of school, just take a semester off to mature and center herself. My concern is that she has already transferred so she has missed 2 semesters at this school, and she wants to go abroad a semester and one summer. If she missed two spring semesters, she will have only attended this school 3 fall semesters and one spring semester. I am afraid that when she got back next fall she would be starting over in a sense. She will have her sorority and she feels it is no different that going abroad a semester. My take on it is she really hasn’t become a part of the university, so taking a semester off this early in her schooling might not work like she has planned. None of her friends would be in her home town while she was here, and any local school where she would be able to take classes at night would have students much, much older than she is. So socially, this plan doesn’t really work. Yes, my daughter and I get along well, but I don’t think she wants mom as her only friend for a semester! There is a possibility that she could attend a local LAC during the day, but if she lives at home, again she wouldn’t really connect with the students and she would not work the hours she wants. This is all a lot to work on, but at the moment she is making plans to return to her current school. She has her schedule all worked out for the next 5 semesters assuming she can get the classes she wants. I have received many phone calls concerning her schedule and which programs she will do for abroad. This doesn’t sound like someone that isn’t going back! She even has an appt. with an advisor concerning a double major!!</p>
<p>I guess we will not know the outcome of next semester until December. I had my daughter promise that she would wait until after first semester to make any lasting decision. We decided even if she decided a few days before it was time to go back, that would be ok. My hope is that after medication and therapy, she might be able to think more clearly. While I don’t think taking a semester off is a bad idea, I don’t think living at home without friends will make her happy in the long run.</p>
<p>I am no physician nor am I a psychiatrist, but I have had to deal with a family member with depression before. From my experience, it seems that depression is the result of a chemical imbalance (brought on by…?), but with a physical cause. The medications, if matched to the imbalance, are wonderful… IF THEY ARE TAKEN. In my case, the person would feel great, but then think that the medication wasn’t important or that it might be harmful in some way or <whatever-other-excuse-she-could-come-up-with> and then stop taking the meds. And then the downward spiral would begin. From the outside, it seemed obvious what to do: TAKE THE MEDS!!! But each time she would stop, and the descent went lower and lower until it was too late to help.</whatever-other-excuse-she-could-come-up-with></p>
<p>also be patient- meds can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months to really kick in</p>
<p>I had serious troubles with depression and anxiety throughout my childhood and lost semesters as a result. I found the right combination of treatments at age 18 and I’ve been great ever since. Aggressive treatment – medication plus therapy at LEAST once a week – combined with support can pull your daughter through this. My only additional advice is for her to make a schedule for eating and exercise and STICK TO IT. It’s no more optional than asthma medicine or chemotherapy or any other health intervention. No matter how you feel, you eat X amount at X time and you do X minutes on the treadmill every afternoon. Period. The benefits from pushing yourself to eat and exercise on time will kick in sooner than the medication, which can take weeks to work.</p>
<p>Update-My daughter seems to be doing a bit better and is seeing her therapist weekly. It sounds like the two of them are communicating well, so I take that as a good sign. I get to hear about the session from my daughter on her way back to campus; I don’t think she tells me everything; just what she wants to share and that is fine by me. The crying has stopped, but she said she is in a blah period and doesn’t really feeling better, whatever that means! </p>
<p>Here is what the therapist has come up with, and I do not agree with her. The therapist feels from my daughters conversations that taking next semester off is a good idea. The thought is for her to come home and take classes locally and work full or part time. She has every intention of returning to campus in the fall. For some reason the therapist feels my daughter has a mature healthy attitude about college life and that a semester off will allow her to see if college is really for her or not. My daughter seems to want to jump head first into the real world and begin working. She is a solid student (mostly B’s, a few A’s, and a two C’s in courses she struggled with in high school.) Her first year of college left her with an average of an 88, and this semester is showing 2 A’s, 1 B, and who knows in the forth class, as the professor doesn’t like to give A’s and the kids don’t have an idea of his grading scale!</p>
<p>I feel that a semester off will only make things worse. Living at home with no friends in town, working during the day and taking night classes is not going to make her happier. The student at the local college attend evening classes will be adults, not older teens. If she attends classes during the day, it will be at a school that is a commuter college, so no chance to really make friends. The jobs in the evening are not the kind of jobs she would be interested in. If I really thought coming home would be better for her, I would say so; but I really don’t think this will work. </p>
<p>I am hearing that she finds this school not what she thought it was, but that may be more due to the depression than the school. She does miss what she had at the LAC, but does not think returning there is the answer either. I think she is afraid to look at a third school to transfer to and I agree that always looking for the greener grass might not work. While she is getting involved in several different activities, she misses having one EC that meets several times a week for practice so that you are seeing the same group of kids every time. The only EC my daughter had all through her primary-high school years was dance, which she was involved in up to 20 hours a week. She is finding she really misses the commitment of the dance and seeing the same group of kids everyday of the week. I am not sure she misses the dancing as much as the common bond of the others. After being involved in one activity for 13 years I am sure there is some let down. Being surrounded by friends makes my daughter the happiest; she is not a loner, but likes her down time also.</p>
<p>As a family we have decided that my daughter should continue with registration for next semester, look into moving into the sorority house where she will have a closer circle of friends and continue with her therapy. At the other end, she will see what is available in the way of classes and jobs at home. It might turn out that she doesnt like what is available at home in the way of classes as she is trying to add a second major and has very few electives left to take. The ones she does have, she had planned on taking when she went abroad during the summer. Nothing definite has been decided and I told my daughter we could wait until after exams to figure this all out. My hope is that when she is feeling better she might see my side more clearly, or maybe I will see hers!</p>
<p>Why I value the therapists opinions and I feel my daughter is working well with her, I just wonder if maybe I know best as the mother for 19 years. Maybe there is a happy middle ground we can work on, but in my heart I really do not believe that taking a semester off at this time would be in my daughters best interest. If she were going abroad, I could see that maybe that would be a solution; but while she might have depression, I dont think being in another country is a good idea. I would rather her continue therapy and school if possible. It is also too late for her to sign up for an abroad program through her school, although I guess we could find one through other means if her courses would transfer. My other concern with a semester off is the starting over in the fall. My daughter is president of her pledge class and most likely would be replaced. While not a big deal, I feel that this job has helped her connect with the other girls more. When everyone is talking about things that went on spring semester, she might feel left out. I realize that those that go abroad have the same issues, except my daughter was not at this school last year, and plans to go abroad during spring of her junior year. That leaves her attending this school fall semester sophomore year, fall semester junior year and both semesters senior years. This just seems like too much disruption for someone that likes structure.</p>
<p>What am I missing here? I realize there is no right answer, but I really think coming home is not one. We love our daughter and only want what is best for her.</p>
<p>snowball, I think you know your daughter best. If she’s involved with her sorority, and moves into the house, I think she’ll find a supportive group of friends. Changing her school and living situation for a third time seems like a bad idea to me. Is it possible for you to talk to the therapist, with your daughter’s permission, of course?</p>
<p>You didn’t mention anything about medication. Depression has a biological basis, and unless the brain chemistry is treated, recovery is difficult. The newer SSRI’s have good results, and can make the cognitive therapy more effective. I would encourage your daughter to see someone about medication.</p>
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<p>snowball,</p>
<p>I mean in the most gentle manner possible to ask you reread the post from banana, partially quoted above, who is in a position to have a view worth considering.</p>
<p>What strikes me most about your posts is that you seem to have a definite involvement and view on many if not most of the issues that your D is facing. Are you, intentionally or not, sharing these pretty definite views with your daughter? IMO, this approach perhaps could merit some reconsideration. </p>
<p>I’d like to suggest that a parent’s better role might be to shift your focus more toward listening and the exploration of options, to using a nondirective and nonjudgmental manner to help your D explore herself and her options. To calmness, to releasing any strongly held views of your own, to expressing your own opinion as little as possible, to asking gentle questions meant to bring her more deeply into the ramifications of a decision, to having confidence in her therapy and meds, to being available and watching lovingly and with great attention but trusting her to find a good path. </p>
<p>I would discourage direct involvement in your D’s therapy, which IMO would defeat one of the main purposes of the therapy–to help her, in uncontrolled, unfettered freedom, to explore herself and her options with an experienced, trusted professional.</p>
<p>I wonder if you would consider talking to a therapist yourself? Not to one at your D’s college, but to one in your local area. What I am suggesting is exploring, with a professional who is not involved with your D, how you can best support your D’s therapy and decision-making process. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.</p>
<p>I also would suggest talking with the therapist. The therapist may not be aware of all the issues you outlined above re concerns about why it may not be positive for your D to come home. When my son was seeing a counselor, I talked to him several times. The counselor of course never shared anything about my son to me, but did listen to my concerns and had that info to include in discussions with son. The agreement with counselor up front was that son was his client/patient and while his conversations were confidential, mine were not. My conversations were shared with son by counselor–which I was fine with–I had never held anything back with son, just wasn’t sure if he had shared all with counselor.</p>
<p>IMO mkm56’s idea is worthy of serious consideration as well. It seems to address some of your concerns while preserving the freedom of your D’s therapeutic process. It would be interesting to learn what your D and her therapist think of this idea.</p>
<p>In therapy, the client is helped to sort out his/her feelings, choices, and decisions. Does your daughter already know your opinion on this matter? If so, I assume she’s taking that into consideration.
Sometimes it’s not so much What decision is arrived at, but rather who makes the decision. If you are concerned that your daughter is behaving in a personally dangerous way, then by all means call the therapist. Otherwise unless your daughter wants you to become involved in this way, it’s almost always better to let her arrive at her own decision.
I do think the option of registering, knowing that it can be cancelled is a good option to put on the table.
Sometimes we become so worried about our “kids” it’s hard to watch them struggle with making these decisions.</p>