<p>My future dil was over the other morning. She decided to give herself a manicure. In my den…on a marble table…with chemicals like acetone. I very nicely asked her to find another place in the house…the breakfast room (yes on the table) or a bathroom.</p>
<p>She was quite annoyed. I admit that my formal rooms (formal dining and formal livingroom are no nos for manicures. My den has some very valuable and sentimental things that I don’t want destroyed. We host parties for all sporting events in the den…but I just don’t want this stuff ruined.</p>
<p>Am I the hated mil (to be)…or should I swallow hard and not say anything? Or should I show my boundaries? Or take her to my manicurist and be done with it?</p>
<p>I think it would have been polite of her to ask you where you preferred her to do her manicure and be more gracious when you redirected her. I feel you were well within your rights as the woman of the house to redirect her since it bothered you. Nothing worse than you remaining silent and building resentment against her.</p>
<p>Well, if you’re looking for honesty, then I’d say I would have been annoyed too. I don’t believe in owning things so nice that I don’t want anybody touching or using them. I want my house to be nice enough to e comfortable, but not so nice that I get annoyed if people sit on something. But I guess if that’s how you’re going to feel, then it’s better to get it out now rather than wait until she’s a permanent part of the family.</p>
<p>Did I ever tell you about the time I spilled nail polish remover in my mother’s living room and took the entire finish off her side table? Your future DIL committed the faux pas by using something in your home that would have irreparably destroyed anything that it spilled or dripped on.</p>
<p>Absolutely not a faux pas! I am assuming you asked tactfully. If so, she was totally out of line to express her annoyance with you. Not using nail polish on marble or good furniture is common sense, or should be. I’d have said something, too.</p>
<p>No, not wrong at all. If she continues to be upset about it, you could tell her that you’ve heard stories about nail polish remover (if you have no personal experience on that subject–I certainly do!) and panicked a little seeing her there with her manicure stuff. Try to defuse it. It could be that she felt awkward herself and that’s how she presented under the circumstances.</p>
<p>Better to tell her. I think all of us feel embarrassed when we unintentionally break someone’s house rule, but better that you mention it the first time rather than letting your resentment fester.</p>
<p>I think you had every right to ask her to please do her manicure in another room.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that she was rude enough to allow you to see that she was annoyed that she had to move her manicure twenty feet down the hall.</p>
<p>I’m sure you didn’t ask her to do anything that you wouldn’t have asked of your own girls. Welcome to a family with respect for each other and their things!</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t think not using nail polish remover on marble furniture is common sense. I have never had anything marble, and neither did my parents. It would not occur to me that marble would be damaged by spilling something like that on it (if you wipe it off right away, obviously) - wood, plastic, upholstery - yes, that’s common sense to me. But marble - I have no experience with it, and it’s news to me. I would never think of that.</p>
<p>By the way, what WOULD happen? Just curious…</p>
<p>Maybe your daughter-in-law had no idea either and felt that you were just being picky. I think many people are being way too harsh on her without fully knowing the circumstances.</p>
<p>I think a lot also depends on how you brought it up. I think there is a world of difference between treating a future daughter-in-law like a guest/friend that’s a peer or treating her like one of your daughters - personally, I would not want a mother-in-law to talk to me like she was my mom or treat me on that level, but that’s just me - just a thought.</p>
<p>Yes, I was tactful. Zoosermom, I know that you are a wonderful daughter. I suspect you were forgiven…long ago.</p>
<p>When we have sports parties in the den I clear all surfaces of books and magazines and put a tablecloth on the marble table. Easy to clean up afterward. The bar doesn’t have a tablecloth just a typical assortment of drinks from fizzy water to scotch. </p>
<p>My guess here is that our home (where everyone is welcome…and it is filled often with friends (the kids’ friends and our friends) is more formal than most. I do not have the removal of shoes at the door. I am ok with lots of things…Did I forget to mention that she starting cutting her nails in the den?</p>
<p>One factor–and I don’t know your backstory–is how long she has been in your life/how often she has been in your home and what her experiences are to date. Is this a room where food and beverages flow regularly or a no-food zone etc. You don’t need to explain but it would effect what she has picked up about how the house runs/what is ok. </p>
<p>My ex-MIL had a formal living room that no one was allowed to go into and she re-vaccuumed daily. I understood the rules pretty quick without having them said aloud.</p>
<p>[xross posted obviously…but EWWWWW on the toenails…groom in your room!]</p>
<p>You did fine IMO. The only excuse I can imagine for her is that she might be oblivious to the damage her substances can do to fine furniture. </p>
<p>She also may have been embarrassed to be corrected/redirected. Would she have rather damaged a piece of your furniture, though? There is nothing wrong with how you handled it. We need to speak up rather than let bad things happen.</p>
<p>How formal/fussy are the rooms in her own parents’ home? Some people are not used to fine furniture and the limitations of it. (And I am not saying this to be critical, just that people come from different perspectives/lifestyles.) For some people a living room, for example, is treated like a formal parlor – and for others it is a hangout place.</p>
<p>We do not have a den. Our living room is often used for hanging out but we do not have food there unless it is a company occasion. We don’t even have food in our family room unless, again, with company. (Less work/cleaning for mother is my motto! Food is eaten in kitchen or dining room.) I would never expect nail polish work to be done anywhere other than in a bathroom or at a kitchen table.</p>
<p>When I was a kid, I spilled nail polish remover on the tile floor in my room. After that it was like modeling clay, I discovered, and there was no way to make it flat and shiny again.</p>
<p>For sure on marble it would leave a terrible rough spot and discoloration.</p>
<p>Funny…we have had that talk. Mother versus mother in law…future MIL. Her family has issues…our family has neuroses . After something…not important…triggered a mother daughter problem we had the talk. I told her that I love her…but I am not her mother. Her mother was there was she was in the NICU…for birthdays…for bumps on the knee. I am honored and happy to be her mil. But her mother has more points than I do…and that is a good thing.</p>
<p>I feel this is all on your DIL. I would’ve asked her to move to the kitchen, bathroom, or basically more appropriate room. Whenever I do my nails, I make sure to have something between me and the surface I’m working on. I don’t feel anything needs to be done now since you already said something earlier. “Keep calm and carry on.” Act normal. If she does something else that you’re not comfortable with, speak up again. </p>
<p>
Eh…Please tell me she had a napkin or a towel or just something. Nail clippings are done in the bathrooms or bedrooms at my house, but perhaps our house is a bit “formal”. All shoes are taken off at the door.</p>
<p>It sounds like she really didn’t know about the dangers of nail polish remover. Also sounds like she may feel kind of outclassed by you. You might want to try to defuse it. Also if you can stand it, maybe don’t say anything about the toenail clippings right now. When she feels more comfortable with you, I bet you can be a tremendous asset for her.</p>
<p>My suggestion was not that you treat her as if you are her mom, but rather you treat her as though she were family. Which soon she will be!</p>
<p>You did nothing wrong. It’s your house after all. The only wrong part is if you had delivered your message harshly which I have no doubt you didn’t.</p>