<p>I have a young friend, a woman I used to work with. She’s is beautiful, delightful and smart. She got married about three years ago and is now pregnant.I see her husband’s posts on Facebook, and I can just tell from the type of things he posts that he’s a – jerk. His posts are all about drinking beer and hanging with the guys. I think she’s way too good for him. Of course I don’t know for sure how it will all work out --not to mention that it’s none of my business! – but it irritates me whenever I see a photo of them together. </p>
<p>Yes. At my cousin’s wedding my H happened to be in the bathroom (closed stall) when the groom and a couple of his groomsmen entered. The language they used was so foul and vulgar that it shocked my H. He later told me he didn’t think the marriage would last. And it didn’t.</p>
<p>Couples who have a lot of fights and misunderstandings before they get married are generally doomed. Marriage, even a good marriage, is hard. Dating/courtship should be the easy part.</p>
<p>This reminds me of my FIL years ago. While he genuinely liked H’s sister’s fiance, he sincerely believed they should not get married. That they were only getting married because so many of their friends had taken this step. On the night before the wedding, after the rehearsal dinner, he told H’s sister this (again) and stated he would back her 100% if she wanted to call it off, don’t worry about the cost, etc. The entire family was angry with him and everyone went to bed that night upset that he would attempt to ruin this lovely occasion. Next day, wedding and reception went off without a hitch. </p>
<p>Four years later, marriage disolves in a very public sea of accusations, adultery, lying, financial mismanagement, etc.</p>
<p>FIL had the grace not to say “I told you so” even once.</p>
<p>Then there’s my husband’s sister and her husband. I never thought they belonged together. It took her, oh, about 30 years to figure that out! My SIL is a very happy woman now that she’s rid of him.</p>
<p>Well, yes, and then there have been a few I just KNEW would never make it that have. One of them seemed horrible and contentious for years, and only in the last couple seems to have blossomed into something very good. Go figure.</p>
<p>Yes, my brother and sister-in-law. From very different kinds of families, very different SES, very different educations, very different aspirations. That was 30 years ago. They’ve survived several health crisis (including my brother’s near-death), several crushing economic situations (from the health crisis), the ire of her parents not wanting her in the marriage, and much more. </p>
<p>Years ago it looked like they had nothing in common that could help them weather the storms of life, but they’ve outlasted 3 of their siblings’ marriages and genuinely love and care for one another. And their kids are among the most successful of the grandkids.</p>
<p>I attended the wedding of the daughter of a neighbor and good friend of mine. I love the neighbor, but this daughter seemed to have entitlement issues. Before the D even got married I wondered how it would go, and would not have bet on it lasting long term. Early in the marriage I could tell that the couple was not appreciating each other. Within a few years they were having significant issues, and are currently getting divorced – and it is a contentious and messy situation. Sad, as there are young children involved.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have two female friends who confided in me many years ago that they were not happy in their marriages, and one told me she would never have chosen to marry her husband if she had a chance at a do-over. BOTH these couples came through, somehow, over the intervening decade and now seem deeply appreciative of each other. (I don’t even know if one friend remembers her previous negative feelings; the other friend told me that she and her H had made a concerted effort to rebuild their marriage, and they did it!) It is truly wonderful to see such positive momentum in long marriages.</p>
<p>My parents were the couple nobody thought would last. Right before their wedding, my grandmother told my mother she still had time to call it off. Heck, at the time my mother didn’t think they’d stay married for more than a few years.</p>
<p>This winter, though, they’ll celebrate their 43rd anniversary. They still aren’t the couple that makes sense to observers, but they do love each other.</p>
<p>I seem to be more accurate the other way around. There seems to be many ways that couples choose each other, but every once in a while, I see a couple that just seems to fit. It isn’t an act. It’s almost as if I have a subconscious response to something between them, maybe their body language, tone of voice, or just how they look at each other- past that initial stage where couples are just starting out. </p>
<p>Marriage takes a certain amount of work, and all have their ups and downs. Perhaps these couples are more skilled at working things out than others, but when I do see this, I think they are very fortunate. </p>
<p>I was about 12 when my cousin, “J,” a 23yo school teacher, married a just-turned-19yo sailor she’d known only a few months. I remember being in the restroom at the reception when the bride came in, crying. I always thought brides were supposed to be the happiest women on earth, so I was really confused when I saw the bride crying. The groom was drunk and had gotten in a fistfight, embarrassing everyone.
J had 3 sisters-- all married at the same church in consecutive years. About 20 years later, J’s mom (my aunt) ran into the priest who’d officiated at all those weddings. The priest asked how the couples were doing. When my aunt told him that J was still married, the priest was shocked and said he really thought that one wouldn’t last. The couple had their 40th anniversary last year. They get along well–both very funny, easy-going. (The fact that he was at sea with the navy a lot in the early years probably didn’t hurt, either 
)
A few other couples that did end up divorced seemed fine at the beginning. But issues like drug abuse, mental illness, infidelity drove them apart. One woman (another cousin’s wife) was spoiled and unwilling to compromise about anything, so I heard. They just couldn’t live with each other–for no big reason, but a million little ones.
Sometimes it is hard to understand what someone sees in a partner–seems like one of them is marrying down/could do better. But there is no way to get inside anyone else’s marriage/head/bedroom. Everyone has different needs and appearances can be deceiving.</p>
<p>Many years ago, I went to DH’s cousin’s wedding. When he walked down the aisle, I said to my husband, “He looks like he’s going to his execution.” I know that sometimes grooms look nervous, but this was different. Four months later they were divorced. Cousin said that he knew the marriage was a mistake but didn’t know how to back out since so much money had already been spent on the wedding.</p>
<p>Pretty much any of kim kardashian’s marriages. </p>
<p>And u wonder why people make such a fuss about gays marrying…</p>
<p>I hope it lasts - I heard of a couple of teenagers from Harvard and Wellesley who eloped last month.</p>
<p>Some couples who I thought were doomed from the beginning are still together. My sister, for example. Met a real jerk. We all disliked him. Got pregnant and my mother talked her into marrying him. Lost the baby. We all still dislike him. Mean to her. Teaches the kids to be mean to her. Has lasted 36 years with no signs of ending.</p>
<p>I’m sure many thought mine was doomed too. I was 22. He was 32, divorced, a different religion, we would have to move far away and had only known each other a month. Been married 35 years now. </p>
<p>While others I just don’t understand. I know a couple who are both so nice. I would be friends with either. When together they are nicer to each other than most couples I know. Divorced after 28 years just before their only child got married. </p>
<p>I don’t think we ever know what really goes on between two people Maybe she sees something in him you don’t.</p>
<p>Funny, we were just talking about this topic at dinner last night (me and two of my kids). Sadly, the case in point we used was my niece who is in her early 30’s and recently separated from her husband. From the moment they said they were getting married, all of us were like, “huh?” - totally did not seem like a couple, WAY different personalities and levels of motivation, etc. It’s not a surprise to me that they have endured years of a not good marriage and now, separation. Talked to my niece last night and it was like talking to a totally different person - the happy, confident person she was back in the day before the marriage. </p>
<p>I have “just known” that a couple wouldn’t last, but I don’t think the accuracy of my predictions has been better than I would get predicting the outcome of coin flips.</p>
<p>One situation where I got it right produced the most 100% guaranteed bit of parental advice I have given my kids: It’s a really bad idea to marry someone you meet in a residential drug rehab program.</p>
<p>^^^LOL!!!</p>
<p>I think H & I may have been one of the couples people weren’t sure would last. WE were married in 1986 and are still very happy and supportive of one another. There is a BIG age difference between us and at the time we were married, I earned significantly more than him and had more credentials/education. </p>
<p>One of my brother’s friends had a fiancé (living with him) who said that if he had a bachelor’s party, the wedding was off. Just before the wedding, his friends threw him a bachelor’s party and sure enough, the wedding was cancelled and the couple had to figure out how to distribute all the food for the multi-course Chinese meal, as it was too late to get a refund from the hotel. Both married others and I believe are still married.</p>
<p>One of my friends was dating a man who was unhappy that she had so many friends that she kept in close contact with–it seemed he was somewhat jealous of her extensive network of friends. We hoped she would find someone with a more expansive view of friends and relatives, which she did and married him. They raised a S together but sadly the H recently passed away.</p>
<p>Residential drug program reminds me- neighbor’s daughter is in her early 30’s and on her third marriage (4 LT “commitments,” if you count the one that produced her son.) All but one were met in a common rehab program. She tends to chew men up and spit them out.</p>
<p>No one expected my brother’s marriage to last 30 years, but it did.
But it has been in the deepest pits for a long while, real hell- so bad they can’t manage to agree on divorce terms. Sad.</p>
<p>It takes a lot of work and good will to make a good marriage. I don’t think arguments pre-marriage are the signal-- it’s how those arguments are resolved. Or not. </p>